WWYD:the truth about Santa?

[adoptionmomma4]

My husband called me while I was out shopping this evening to let me know our 6 year old DS told the little girl (5) across the street that Santa was not real. The mother came over and talked to my DH. He said she could hardly hold back her tears. I feel horrible. I do not know what to do.

We do not celebrate Santa in our home. We have told our children the true reason Christmas is celebrated and that Santa is a story about a man who gave presents to children a long time ago. He is not coming into our home and delivering gifts. We see him at the mall and get pictures, we watch movies about Santa but we know he is not real. It is fun to make believe and that is what we do.

We have always told our children not to tell other children the truth about Santa. We explain to them that each family has different beliefs and that some parents choose to have their family believe in Santa. Unfortunately my son is 6 and the things I tell him to do are not always the things he does. The little girl’s mother said if my son was going to do things like that then her children are not going to be able to play with mine! Now I sympathize with her and I do feel terrible. However, I think that is a bit much. He is a child and she is holding him to much higher standards than she is her own child. I think if she chooses to have her children believe in Santa then she should be able to find a way to keep the story alive for her DD. What would be wrong with saying "well if Justin doesn’t believe in Santa then he will not get any presents from Santa" or "we believe there is a Santa and that is all that matters". Am I wrong? Should it be a bigger issue? She talked to my husband tonight, do you think I should go over tomorrow mom to mom and apologize? I want to make it better or at least let her know I sympathize with her feelings. She wanted him punished and let my DH know that is why she was here. She said, “I just thought someone should know what he did so it could be handled appropriately” and that my son has “ruined Christmas”. I guess I am sad for her and her DD, but I feel like my DS didn’t really do anything wrong. He didn’t say it in a mean way it just came up when they where showing Christmas gifts. I don’t think he “ruined Christmas”. Someone somewhere was going to tell her DD the truth eventually. I do wish is was not my DS

FWIW we did talk to DS again about the importance of not telling other children there is no Santa. We did not punish him for it. He does feel bad for hurting her feelings and wrote an apology note to the mom and dad.

Thanks in advance for the advice.

 

[brymolmom]

Well, if this was a 'rule' in your house that you're not supposed to ruin it for other kids, I personally think ds should be punished (not a huge punishment or anything - but at least one of your more mild ones). It might make the other mom feel a little better. Of course, her real reason for being upset is that her own dd was (I'm sure) very upset about the whole thing. But, you are right - I personally think she's taking it too far. There are always 'explanations' that can be made to account for the mistake (and I do mean mistake - lots of kids and adults make them) that was made.

I am just waiting for this to happen to us - we are friends with a family who is similar to your own (no thinking Santa actually exists) - and they are TWIN 5 year olds - so that's two chances for them to 'accidentally' tell my own ds the truth.

If I were you I would give it a couple weeks of 'cool down' time and then take over a peace offering and try to put the whole thing behind all of you.

 

[Feralpeg]

Unfortunately, telling a small child not to tell other children that Santa is not real is too tall an order for the child. While I understand your motivation and it is absolutely your choice what you decide to tell your children, I can definitely see why the other mom was upset. I would have been upset if it had been my child. Hopefully, she managed to come up with a story to keep Santa real for her child, but I'm sure she was taken by surprise.

It is just a sad situation. Of course, your son should not be punished. He had no way to know what he was doing.

 

[Ellielovesdisney]

gosh...I don't know what I would do with a 6 year old. DD is only 4, and loves to correct people when she thinks she is right. We don't even celebrate Christmas...but told DD santa loves all children but only brings presents to Christian kids. I thought she'd be upset by this but felt I had to go along with it because she is the type to tell the other kids at school the "truth". She was fine with it...not upset or jealous at all...so I guess all's well that ends well.

I don't think your son should be punished...6 year olds are not known for their judgement.
I hope your neighbor finds a way to help DD believe in santa again for now
I would probably go over there and apologize...even though you really didn't do anything wrong...but to let her know you feel badly about the situation.
Good Luck!!

 

[trivial]

Personally, we plan to tell our kids that Santa is real, etc. until they're no longer so gullible! However, your son did nothing wrong in this instance; he was sharing his belief that Santa doesn't exist.

The little girls' mother is being entirely unreasonable in her desire to keep her daughter in a bubble, and to blame you or your son for anything. If she wants to tell her daughter that Santa exists, surely she realizes that her daughter will hear otherwise. The mother ought to tell her daughter something like, "Well some people don't believe in Santa, and there's nothing you can do about it." Same goes for any faith-based belief, really.

You don't owe the mother an apology, and neither does your son. She should thank your son for the reality check and use her head instead of misplacing blame.

 

[ksumn1]

I agree that your DS should not be punished. After all, he's 6 and I'm sure he didn't realize letting the cat out of the bag would cause such heartache. I would sit him down and once again explain that just because he knows the truth about Santa doesn't mean that some people don't believe. I would definately apologize, tell the Mom that you will talk to DS again, but that he didn't realize what he was doing. If I were in her shoes I would be upset, too.

 

[Whosemom]

Is she going to far expecting you to punish your son? yes. Is she going too far because she said it ruined Christmas . Not that you in anyway should feel responsible, but the year a kid hears the truth about Santa just might tarnish that particular Christmas. I remember that I was devastated. Again, not the teller's fault, but it did ruin my Christmas.

Our own run in with this was pretty striking. We had friends that don't "do Santa" and when our oldests were both 5, her daughter told mine at the lunch table there was no Santa. Mine looked at me and said, "is there a Santa, Mommy". I said, "what do you think, honey?" She said, "there is a Santa" and I said, "well, there you go." So this little cherub looks me dead in the face and calls me a liar. And her mother sat there looking smug. EXCUSE ME? How rude can one child be???? Luckily, these friends live an hour away, and it has always been hard to get together, and we just haven't been able to pull it off in November or December since then. LOL.

I like this though - no matter what she says, her 2nd child believes in Santa

 

[Miss Mary Poppins]

We have neighbors who tell my 4 year old she is going to hell because we are Catholic. I do not let them play with my kids anymore.

If I were to put myself in the moms place I can see where she is coming from. Our young children are only young for so long and I would feel your family, not just your son robbed my family of my dd's Christmas magic. We have to be careful what we tell our kids because they have big mouths. I guess I would have done the same thing the mom did. But I don't think I would have banned the kids from playing.

If my dd had done the telling and I had found out she would be over at the families house with the Polar Express book/DVD and a BIG apology for opening her mouth. The reason would be my morals, beliefs and values do not outweigh anyone else's and we need to respect each others.

 

[SmallWorld71]

That woman completely over reacted. Kids believe what they want to believe and if her child believed your son over her then either her daughter was ready to stop believing or she backed up what your son said. It would have been very easy to say that she thought your son was wrong and done something to restore her daughter's belief if she wanted to. Instead, she chose to flip out and back up your son's story. Your son is 6. He apologized. End of story. Sounds like he acted a lot more grown up than the other mother.

 

[gladstoneganderfan]

We have neighbors who tell my 4 year old she is going to hell because we are Catholic. I do not let them play with my kids anymore.

If I were to put myself in the moms place I can see where she is coming from. Our young children are only young for so long and I would feel your family, not just your son robbed my family of my dd's Christmas magic. We have to be careful what we tell our kids because they have big mouths. I guess I would have done the same thing the mom did. But I don't think I would have banned the kids from playing.

If my dd had done the telling and I had found out she would be over at the families house with the Polar Express book/DVD and a BIG apology for opening her mouth. The reason would be my morals, beliefs and values do not outweigh anyone else's and we need to respect each others.

I couldn't have said it any better. Yes, it is your choice to teach your family whatever you want. But, if you are going against something that means so much, like Santa, I think you should think very carefully how you handle it. I agree that you son doesn't deserve to be punished.

 

[trivial]

If my dd had done the telling and I had found out she would be over at the families house with the Polar Express book/DVD and a BIG apology for opening her mouth. The reason would be my morals, beliefs and values do not outweigh anyone else's and we need to respect each others.

Sorry, I don't mean to be argumentative, but I'm hearing two different messages. Shouldn't your child's belief (or disbelief, as the case may be) be respected? Is telling someone you disagree with their belief disrespectful? Does disagreeing with someone else's belief require an apology?

Intent to harm is one thing, but innocently stating one's beliefs is another. Children need to learn to handle differences of opinion/belief, which may be difficult for them if their own parents cannot.

 

[SplashMountainMama]

When my DS was 7 his best friend told him repeatedly that Santa wasn't real. I was initially really mad at this other kid because I wasn't ready for my son to stop believing. Interestingly, my DS just decided on his own that his friend was wrong and he said he felt bad for him that he didn't believe. Kids have a way of working things out for themselves. If they want to believe they will believe. Afterall, I'm 35 and I still believe!!

 

[adoptionmomma4]

Is she going to far expecting you to punish your son? yes. Is she going too far because she said it ruined Christmas . Not that you in anyway should feel responsible, but the year a kid hears the truth about Santa just might tarnish that particular Christmas. I remember that I was devastated. Again, not the teller's fault, but it did ruin my Christmas.

Our own run in with this was pretty striking. We had friends that don't "do Santa" and when our oldests were both 5, her daughter told mine at the lunch table there was no Santa. Mine looked at me and said, "is there a Santa, Mommy". I said, "what do you think, honey?" She said, "there is a Santa" and I said, "well, there you go." So this little cherub looks me dead in the face and calls me a liar. And her mother sat there looking smug. EXCUSE ME? How rude can one child be???? Luckily, these friends live an hour away, and it has always been hard to get together, and we just haven't been able to pull it off in November or December since then. LOL.

I like this though - no matter what she says, her 2nd child believes in Santa

WOW! What an outspoken little girl. Too funny that her 2nd daughter believes

Sorry, I don't mean to be argumentative, but I'm hearing two different messages. Shouldn't your child's belief (or disbelief, as the case may be) be respected? Is telling someone you disagree with their belief disrespectful? Does disagreeing with someone else's belief require an apology?

Intent to harm is one thing, but innocently stating one's beliefs is another. Children need to learn to handle differences of opinion/belief, which may be difficult for them if their own parents cannot.

Thank you so much!!! I do not think my family "ruined" the other families Christmas. If stating the truth is that harmful then I could argue that her daughter "ruined" my sons image of his mom and dad when she told him "your mom and dad are liars".

We simply do not believe in Santa. That is not to say that we don't believe in the magic of Christmas. We have a very magical Christmas in our house with out believing that a stranger comes into our home through our chimney and leaves gifts. I "personally" do not believe a child has to believe in Santa to have a magical Christmas.

Again, I do not think what my son said was nice or is it acceptable for him to say. Unfortunately they were playing in my front yard and I was in the house. He has apologized and will hopefully not have this issue in the future. I really had not clue it would be such an issue. We attend home school group and church where not believing in Santa is the norm.

Thanks for the input.

 

[Miss Mary Poppins]

Sorry, I don't mean to be argumentative, but I'm hearing two different messages. Shouldn't your child's belief (or disbelief, as the case may be) be respected? Is telling someone you disagree with their belief disrespectful? Does disagreeing with someone else's belief require an apology?

Intent to harm is one thing, but innocently stating one's beliefs is another. Children need to learn to handle differences of opinion/belief, which may be difficult for them if their own parents cannot.

*Even if I hurt someone and didn't mean to I personally just could not shrug my shoulders and make like it never happened. I would feel responsible for the person/people who were hurt by words spoken by a family member or myself, even with the most innocent of intentions and try and make it better if I could. What is modeled at home is what I expect of my children outside of my home.

As my kids age, they will indeed have their own voice, but for now it is my voice being mirrored by them.

I would never tell someone what they believe is wrong. Not my style. I would not expect or give an apology for having different beliefs. I don't hold others to my moral code, just my family. I would expect no less from my kids.(*see first paragraph)

 

[Sarubo]

Every time I hear of parents having trouble with a child who is beginning to "not believe" I always remind them of this article.

"DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
"Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
"Papa says, 'If you see it in THE SUN it's so.'
"Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

"VIRGINIA O'HANLON.
"115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET."

VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

 

[disykat]

I think that mom needs to get a grip. Kids tell people all the time there is no Santa, it's up to the adults to smooth it over. I teach Kindergarten and have students that don't believe. The other kids just shrug it off.

I think the mom probably blew it and is mad at HERSELF. Maybe she confirmed what your son said rather than saying "now why would he say that?" or "I guess Santa won't bring him presents then" or "what do you think?" or something of that nature. I don't know a parent or anyone who spends lots of time with small children who hasn't fielded the Santa issue. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Growing up, I had neighbors who talked about the "pretend fairy" instead of the tooth fairy - it didn't stop us from believing.

Most 6 year olds will follow the things they are taught by their parents, not the neighbor children.

I think an apology letter was a very nice gesture and that reminding him not to talk about Santa to other kids is "handling it appropriately."

 

[mattmommy]

We've always taught DS7 that we live in a great country where he can be friends with people from other countries and religions. I'm happy he can be in a school where they have parents come in for a bit to teach about Hanukkah and Kwanzaa (spelling?). We are Catholic and a friend (born again) told me that her granddaughter (7) doesn't believe in Santa. I asked her if her gd knew not to say anything to kids who do believe.

DH and discussed with ds the fact that some people don't celebrate Christmas (or any other holidays), but it matters what's in your heart and how you live your life.

That being said, I'd be upset if my son actually believed another child, probably a little more for myself having my ds grow up more than anything else. I love the wonder of Christmas morning when we put out cookies and milk that are taken and the snow footprints (powder) left behind.

 

[bumbershoot]

We have a very magical Christmas in our house with out believing that a stranger comes into our home through our chimney and leaves gifts. I "personally" do not believe a child has to believe in Santa to have a magical Christmas.

Ayep. I personally always found it magical, and STILL to this day am mystified how she did it, that I had no clue how my mom got the rest of the decorations, most of the gifts out, and the stockings filled, when she had a daughter who stayed up nearly until dawn if she could get away with it, in an 800 sq. foot house, when the kids' bedrooms were immediately off the living room.

That my friends is much more magical than some big man coming into the house in the middle of the night...especially when we didn't even have a fireplace!

(my mom didn't start the Santa thing b/c her marriage had already gone pretty darned sour before I was born, and my dad wasn't even living with us when my brother was conceived...my dad was a scary scary man at times (still is but he doesn't give me crud b/c he knows I won't take it), and the thought to me of a big scary man entering our house in the middle of the night was a *little* too close to the very scary truth)


In response to the neighbors...I dunno. I have no sympathy for those who do the Santa thing when it starts to unravel. Those parents choose to lie to their children, you choose to NOT lie, AND you are very kind about it, because you have tried to let your kids know that they should just stay mum on the subject (while the kids who "believe" and the ad agencies and stores and everyone else get to spout off all year long)...I don't have to think too hard about which side gets to have empathy and sympathy from me!

 

[Aliceacc]

Mostly off topic:

We've had the Santa discussion a number of times over the dinner table, right in front of my 4 year old. It didn't occur to my 2 older kids to talk when she wasn't there, because they didn't think there was anything to hide.

My 7 year old started it: "Mom, Sara says that Santa's not real."
Me: "Well, honey, what do you think?"
9 year old: "Well, I KNOW the Easter Bunny is a fake!"
7 year old: "I think he's real."
me: "You know we're pretty broke."
9 year old: "Yeah, he's real, but the Easter Bunny is a fake."
(We'll tackle that one in March.)

At Church on Christmas Eve, my 9 year old was pretty tough, telling his friend that he didn't believe. But he was up until 2:30, watching the sky through his window. And when I came up and told him that Norad had spotted Santa in Jersey (an hour away), he almost jumped out of his skin. My husband came up to lie down with him, so I could get my work done downstairs. Brian swore that he heard Santa (entirely possible; it was late and I was tired) and Peter assured him that it couldn't be mommy, since I never stayed up that late.

Yesterday Brian noticed an inscription Santa had written in a book he got for Christmas. He ran to show me, showed Peter, and must have re-read it 6 times. Pretty interesting for a kid who doesn't believe.

So this was probably our last Santa Christmas for my 2 older kids. But any discussion of Santa is like us discussing the price of gas or anything else in the news... we talk about the things that matter in our lives. It's absurd to place blame on a child for talking about "current events" with another child.

As long as your child meant no harm, then he did nothing wrong.

 

[Zeebs]

Being 6 years older than my sister when she started to not believe we told her she had to pretend as we knew that the end of Santa would be the end of the Santa sack and all those great pressies. I don't recall anyone telling me he didn't exist I just got to an age where when adding everything up it just didn't make sense. I think that if your son has apologised then it should be left at that. It is a shame that he did let the cat out of the bag so to speak but I am sure that the mother could have done some damage control to get a few more years of believing out of the child.

Kirsten