WWYD - Other People's Kids

[momgjgc]

I've got a great story. Last summer my nephews came over to play with my boys for the day. Asked SIL before they came what they ate for lunch she said anything, said Mac and cheese was fine. They come have a blast I make lunch and they REFUSE to eat their lunch. Ask for chicken nuggets or McDonalds. Not happening! My boys finish lunch and get their snack of gummy treats. My nephews start screaming it's not fair. Don't eat lunch no snack! My house-my rules. SIL gives in every time and makes 3 or 4 different meals for dinner every night so everyone is happy. SIL is mad at me for not making them a special meal. Am I wrong in not making them a special meal? I don't think so!

 

[happygirl]

I've got a great story. Last summer my nephews came over to play with my boys for the day. Asked SIL before they came what they ate for lunch she said anything, said Mac and cheese was fine. They come have a blast I make lunch and they REFUSE to eat their lunch. Ask for chicken nuggets or McDonalds. Not happening! My boys finish lunch and get their snack of gummy treats. My nephews start screaming it's not fair. Don't eat lunch no snack! My house-my rules. SIL gives in every time and makes 3 or 4 different meals for dinner every night so everyone is happy. SIL is mad at me for not making them a special meal. Am I wrong in not making them a special meal? I don't think so!

You need to tell your sister you aren't a short order cook lol

 

[shortbun]

Not to beat a dead horse....
but I agree with everyone saying its not your job to teach her good eating habits. Its really hard to bite one's tongue about it..Its also easier to feel strongly about the way kids should behave before you actually have kids.

Once I was at Target and saw a young couple pouring a Coke into a baby bottle..and gave it to their baby who could not have been more than 8 or 9 months old. I so badly wanted to walk up to them and go, "What the hell do you think you're DOING?!" It was hard to walk away from and say nothing. At times I think back to that scenario and wonder if I sHOULD have said something to them...but then again, it wasn't my child.....

I think a tactic that might work is maybe to go on and on about the older sibling who eats well... and really make it a big deal... I dunno ...Good Luck!

I know I said I was done but eewwwwww-coke in a baby bottle. I would have gone outside and banged my head against the brick wall. lol!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Does babysitting to you mean "keeping the child alive", or does it mean "helping to raise, educate, and nurture the child"?

WOW, I find the child-care/educators are gods and surrogate parents attitude to be very disgusting and troubling.

And, even a child-care/educator god has NO right to try to force anybody to eat anything.

People just can't give up on the God Complex control issues...

Ms. Pete.... IMHO, you are so very very wrong and off-base. I know of children who have serious allergies... Chocolate is a very very common allergy. I would have way more than a chat-board disagreement with you if you ever, EVER, encouraged my child to eat chocolate peppermint cake.

 

[NMAmy]

So what I'm mostly reading that bothers me is , what I am understanding of people saying that the OP should not be trying to do anything about this girls eating habits. She said the girl only ate potato chips and other than that barely ate.

Why can't the OP set a good example about eating regular meals? Should she just leave a bag of potato chips and say, help yourself? It really stinks that some think they should just not bother to try, because it "interferes."

You don't think that was an exaggeration? Apparently, according to the OP, she also at the very least eats chicken.

The OP's post made it sound like she started this whole thing with an agenda--that she would make this kid eat sweet potatoes even though her parents don't think it's a big deal. I think it's very telling that she did not mention this to the parents the same evening that it happened.

There's nothing wrong with offering new foods. I've found that having a family member or friend offer a different food has made it more enticing for dd. I would be ticked if they had tried to force her to eat it, though.

This is not a battle I would choose to fight with someone else's child. Danger issues--absolutely. Food issues--why would you even go there?

 

[MoniqueU]

I would be ticked at someone forcing their values and food ideas on my kids. You wouldn't be babysitting for me ahain no matter that you were doing me a favor. My Mil tries to pull this on my kids and as a result they don't like to stay at her house or have her come stay with them. I just don't think setting up a battle over food with kids is worth the trouble/ How hard is it to make them a bowl of cereal.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I've read this thread and all I can think about are my eating habits and growing up.

I was a picky eater and my parents tried to do everything they could to break it. Making special dishes, force-feeding me food (and then forcing me to eat what I chucked up), not making special dishes...everything besides starving me.

Yet, I still grew up and developed an eating disorder. I'm either 104 pounds or 200 pounds.

I don't know the answers, but I do know that because of however I was raised, I really, really hate vegetables.




I figure in the OP's case, it is her house and her rules. She made the sweet potatoes and the sister of the picky eater likes them. The picky eater should have been required to try them (she hadn't before) and then that's that.

 

[MushyMushy]

WOW, I find the child-care/educators are gods and surrogate parents attitude to be very disgusting and troubling.

And, even a child-care/educator god has NO right to try to force anybody to eat anything.

People just can't give up on the God Complex control issues...

Ms. Pete.... IMHO, you are so very very wrong and off-base. I know of children who have serious allergies... Chocolate is a very very common allergy. I would have way more than a chat-board disagreement with you if you ever, EVER, encouraged my child to eat chocolate peppermint cake.

I can't remember the exact rules for it, but the daycare providers here have to offer a certain variety of foods for lunch, but I know back when he was little, my son's daycare provider allowed parents to send in something to be heated up. I never had to do that because I knew she'd have something on the table he'd like! But she would have never thought of forcing a child to eat everything on the table. I don't even do such a thing at anybody's dinners.

Anyway, my sister and I went to a bunch of different babysitters growing up when there was no official daycare program. I don't know how old I was at this particular sitter -- not very old, and not old enough to be in school, but I can remember it! But she had made peas for lunch and I did NOT like peas, so it turned into a huge power struggle. She actually forced them into my mouth and then when I either spit them out or threw them up, she sent me into a dark room to stay until my mother got there. My mother later told me that she was so satisfied with herself and fully expected my mom to back her up in the discipline. That's the one time in my life that my mom actually did stand up for me, took us both out of there and let this woman have a piece of her mind.

20 years later, I got pregnant with my son and I get this call out of the blue at work. It was that WITCH! She had somehow heard I was pregnant and wanted to let bygones be bygones to watch my son. Yeah right. I went home and told my mother, who said, "Over my dead body!!"

Anyway, just sharing. It's funny how I can still remember that power struggle from so far back.

 

[luvmy3]

I've read this thread and all I can think about are my eating habits and growing up.

I was a picky eater and my parents tried to do everything they could to break it. Making special dishes, force-feeding me food (and then forcing me to eat what I chucked up), not making special dishes...everything besides starving me.

Yet, I still grew up and developed an eating disorder. I'm either 104 pounds or 200 pounds.

I don't know the answers, but I do know that because of however I was raised, I really, really hate vegetables.




I figure in the OP's case, it is her house and her rules. She made the sweet potatoes and the sister of the picky eater likes them. The picky eater should have been required to try them (she hadn't before) and then that's that.

I can't believe you were forced to do that. No offense to your parents but what they heck were they thinking?

 

[rie'smom]

I'm not sure anyone's saying the OP shouldn't try to encourage or support good eating habits! And do you really believe that she only eats potato chips? Couldn't that be a bit of hyperbole?

I quoted it once, but another poster (shortbun) said: A picky eater should be led by helping them to grown a garden-plant, water, harvest and perhaps eat their bounty. They can be led by teaching them to cook-maybe they will taste what they've worked hard to make.

That has nothing to do with threats, control, or power struggles, which I believe are completely unnecessary when dealing with eating.

The OP said the kid didn't eat the sweet potato, so i'm guessing she did eat the chicken, yep hyperbole.
I can't believe the posters who honestly think that the only thing this kid eats is chips.

 

[C.Ann]

I have to comment here that I do think there are times it it okay to lie--and I have taught my children do so! Before we had caller ID, I taugth DD that if she answered the phone while I was out (becuase it might be me) she should say that I am in the shower and take a message offering to have me call right back. She then called me on the phone and I would call the person right back. Telling someone her parents were not home would not have been safe. Both kids are also allowed to lie and say I do not allow them to something if they are with firends who want them to do something they feel uncomfortable with. Yes, it would be best if they felt safe simply saying that they do not want to do XYorZ, but it is far better for them to use me as a cop out to save face than to cave to pressure and do something they really are worried about (like they may say I do not allow them to watch R movies--which I do depending on the movie--as a way to get out of watching a horror film they are frightened of). They also know if they are out and feel like someone is watching them, etc. they can pick up their cell phones and start "talking" to me and say something like--yep I can see the store you're in now--I'll be right there, etc. There are dozens of safety issues where the smart thing to do is lie (and a few etiquette ones as well. Really everyone knows that "it looks interesting" does not mean good)..

Those are entirely different situations - not even remotely in the range of what the OP was discussing here.. I really don't think there is any comparison at all.. This was not a safety issue - nor was it a question of watching an "R" rated movie.. In this instance, I would have addressed the lying immediately - but I would not have involved the parents unless it became a habit.. See the difference?

I'm not touching the "food" thing..

 

[BeccaBellePA]

So, I'm not entirely sure why I feel like I need to keep defending myself because part of me is just saying to leave this alone, but I must say that with the food issue (not the lying) the parents are behind me 100%. They encourage me to get their children to eat new things and eat what I give them, mainly because they've grown tired of trying and I try to make things more fun and interesting when they are over. Therefore, I am NOT trying to parent this girl because I don't believe her parents are doing a good job. I am only doing what they are encouraging me to do. She has been checked for food allergies and has none.

And, to the PP, the foods she eats are: chips, popcorn, plain white bread, and fried chicken (the chicken I made was baked and she even fussed over that because it wasn't what she was used to). So while it is technically more than chips, there will never be a dinner I make that she will willingly and readily eat unless it is only chicken fingers and chips.

 

[Irish9697]

I'm might be in the minority here. When I have family members watching my kids I expect for my kids to behave like they would for us (hopefully) better lol. It wouldn't be acceptable for my child not to eat what is given, I wouldn't accept for them to make them a specail meal either. My house rules is you try it and if you don't like it that fine. I would have a huge problem with the child lying and hiding the food in a napkin,

I completely agree!! Well said!

 

[RobinFabulous]

Background: I don't have kids, but babysit my cousin's kids (ages 9 & 11) fairly regularly. The youngest is an extremely picky eater and her parents either cater to her or let her just skip dinner and eat what she wants, which is generally just potato chips. Whenever they're at my house, I try to make her eat more and do not make her something different for dinner. Which, in turn, creates a lot of stressful moments.

This weekend, they spent the night and I made chicken drumsticks (which she eats) and sweet potatoes (which she doesn't). I told her she at least needed to eat a good three bites of her sweet potatoes before she could have dessert. When I return from filling water glasses, half of her potatoes are gone, but so is her napkin. I ask her about it, and she said she dropped some chicken on the floor and just put it in her napkin. I ask to see and she gets very snappy and says she's just going to throw it away. When she's not looking, I dig it out of the trash and lo and behold, it's filled with sweet potatoes.

So here's my question: I didn't call her out on it at all. She was so cranky and moody already, and our nights together are always supposed to be fun "Disney party" nights. Should I say something to her? Her parents? How far can you go with setting rules (i.e. not giving dessert) to some one else's kids, especially if their parents feel it's not important? I have no clue how to handle this!

TIA for any help.

So, I'm not entirely sure why I feel like I need to keep defending myself because part of me is just saying to leave this alone, but I must say that with the food issue (not the lying) the parents are behind me 100%. They encourage me to get their children to eat new things and eat what I give them, mainly because they've grown tired of trying and I try to make things more fun and interesting when they are over. Therefore, I am NOT trying to parent this girl because I don't believe her parents are doing a good job. I am only doing what they are encouraging me to do. She has been checked for food allergies and has none.

And, to the PP, the foods she eats are: chips, popcorn, plain white bread, and fried chicken (the chicken I made was baked and she even fussed over that because it wasn't what she was used to). So while it is technically more than chips, there will never be a dinner I make that she will willingly and readily eat unless it is only chicken fingers and chips.

In you first post you said her parents didn't feel it is important, then you say they've encouraged you to do this....

Which is it?

 

[MonicaInFlorida]

I read a very interesting article a while ago about "supertasters" - some people have hundreds more taste buds than others and are super sensitive to flavors, making them more picky. I believe that I fall into that category. The only way I will try new foods is if I know exactly what is in it. If there is an ingredient that I don't like, I can taste it even in trace amounts and it can make me physically ill.

A few years ago my husband had some dental work done at the dental school of a local university. The student who examined him called the instructor over and said "Hey, check this out!" It turns out my husband has some kind of nodules in his mouth (not taste buds, something else I can't remember the name of).

Most people have them, but he has way more than most people. The instructor called the whole class over to look inside of his mouth, telling my husband that most of these students will go their whole careers without seeing this many in a single mouth. She asked him if he was a picky eater and preferred bland foods. He said "Yes, my 5-year-old daughter eats more of a variety of foods than I will." One of his favorite lunches is two pieces of bologna between two slices of Wonder bread. No mayo, no mustard, totally dry.

The instructor said that was common for people like him... he only gets the "front" flavor of any food he eats, not the other flavor nuances most other people taste.

 

[BeccaBellePA]

They encourage me to get her to try new foods because they've become exasperated with it, as I'm sure I would if I had to try to feed her every night.

 

[lillygator]

I think that raw oysters should be served at all children's parties and that every adult should be forced to eat them too, if they want any birthday cake.

actually my 4 and 6 yr olds eat raw oysters....on crackers, one likes the hot sauce, one doesn't.....

from the beginning of solid foods, never made a different meal, or special meal for them - they have grown up eating what we eat. We use the one bite rule and both will pretty much eat anything. When they get around friends they tend to order what the other kids order (out to dinner together), which doesn't bother me, they still eat it all, but it is usually not something we serve at home.

I would not address the lying now, but going forward I might say something, but think of the foods you personally don't like and eat, would you want someone to force you to eat three bites.

 

[SandrA9810]

Kids are definatly more adventurous around other people than they are around thier own parents. I've had other kids try food because I said it was good, I've had them try new things because I said it was cool. And the best story, I had a two year old take a pacifier out of his mouth after his mom tried so hard to get him to take it. All I did was walk over to him and ask, can I hold you binky so you can smile for the camera?? Bam it was out of his mouth and he was smiling. His mom was in total disbelief over it.
Kids know the boundries of thier parents, how far they can push something before punishment sets in or the parents cave in. Like the OP said, her mom has given up because the child knows the boundries. She had every right to have the child take three bites of food. Heck I wish you were my aunt, our plates had to be clean, no matter what. Of course the baby cousin always wound up with a lot of extra lima beans on her plate...

Any case, I think you should talk to her the next time she comes over. 9 years old is old enough to remember what happened, and to know right from wrong. Talk to her ask her if she put the sweet potatoes in the napkin, and ask her if that was a polite thing to do. And if she denies having placed the sweet potatoes in the napkin, then you might want to take it up with her mom to say that she's repeatedly lying. Next time you make sweet potatoes, bake some marshmellows on top, that's how my grandmother did it for thanksgiving and I loved them (well i still like them plan too)

Eventually the adults learned what we would and would not eat, like I love spinach but my sister hated it, and I can't stand squash. But there was always at least 2-3 vegies served at dinner, so it wasn't just about the meats.

Now if there were severe intolerance to some foods, I'm sure the kids mother would've said something to begin with. Kari is a VERY picky eater, picker than what most of you consider your kids to be. Her parents tried everything, mixing it with mash potatoes, serving only that for dinner. But it never worked, and her mom even took her to the doctor and he told them, she's healthy, as long as she takes her vitamins, don't worry too much. And she let her friends know as well if she was ever invited to dinner. One time she went to a friends house, every one had a plate, except for her, she had a bowl so she could have a bowl of cereal. And if she was ever invited to dinner out where she didn't eat anything off the menu, she would have bread and butter. Again this is a forever problem that her parents tried to overcome at like 2-3 years old.
To this day, if we go some place new or I cook something different, I will make Kari try it. And I have to lay down the rules, you must chew it at least twice, and it must be swallowed. Then she make take the biggest drink possible to get the taste out of her mouth. And surprisingly enough she has discovered two things she likes, 1 corn and 2 chedder cheese soup from canada.

Every one needs to try something new... how do we know what we like without trying? I do believe our tastes change but we don't usually grow out of some of our favorite foods.

 

[disykat]

WOW, I find the child-care/educators are gods and surrogate parents attitude to be very disgusting and troubling.

And, even a child-care/educator god has NO right to try to force anybody to eat anything.

People just can't give up on the God Complex control issues...

Ms. Pete.... IMHO, you are so very very wrong and off-base. I know of children who have serious allergies... Chocolate is a very very common allergy. I would have way more than a chat-board disagreement with you if you ever, EVER, encouraged my child to eat chocolate peppermint cake.

Here we go again. WOAS - you would be a VERY negligent mom if you EVER left your child with someone for a meal without mentioning their allergies. I have a peanut allergic child, that's not what is being discussed here. Nor are we discussing your hatred of teachers.

 

[disykat]

OP didn't punish anyone, nor did she force them to eat. Dessert was going to be optional, depending on whether the kids tried everything on their plate. No yelling, no forcing, simply choosing not to do what it takes to get dessert. That's not punishment IMO. I have no problem expecting regular "guests" to follow my house rules when they are at my house. If their parents have a problem with that, they wouldn't be leaving them with me.

I do think the cheating and lying should have been addressed with a discussion, but it's too late for that now. Next time she came to my house, I would again explain the house rules and add "no throwing the food away in a napkin."

Kids often try new foods at other people's homes that they won't try at their own. I know my child does.

As for food allergies, my peanut allergic child is treated differently than my child with no food allergies. He has been taught that if he is uncomfortable in any way he doesn't eat it. I wouldn't have left him anywhere where people weren't aware of that. It would be MY fault if I did.