WWYD - DD/texting language & friends

[czycropper]

OK - so tonight my DD comes upstairs and is crying after texting with a friend - this friend "A" pretended to be someone else but had the friend "A's" phone and texted my DD saying that the friend A had not made it after having a concussion. Of course, my DD was devasted & believed it. When I asked why she was crying, she showed me the message, and I said "this doesn't sound right" so I call the friend A's number and it went into voice mail. But, as I'm walking up the stairs, a text comes through saying that she can't talk but to text. I get mad since my DD had my BFF DD here spending the night.

Well, I take the phone away from my DD and tell her that this friend A is not a friend by pulling that type of joke on my DD but DD still believed that something bad happened to friend A.

Things only get better (said in a very sarcastic voice at past midnight) - I look through the text messages and I couldn't believe the language that my DD & friend A had been using on the texts. Friend A really doesn't have much parental supervision (her Mom has a cleaning business & leaves her in the house by herself most of the time) and her mouth is basically a "potty mouth" and now I found out that my DD was using the same words including the f--- word, idiot, etc. to some of the text she sent to friend A - I literally exploded!!!

Phone has been taken away indefinitely, I told her that any additional ballet classes are up in the air, she is to immediately stop talking to this friend A and if she ever associated with friend A in school

This is also the friend that I told her a couple of weeks ago that she couldn't come over to our house when there was a babysitter here (my work days) because it wasn't fair to the babysitter - well, lo & behold I come home early from work and who is sitting on a chair in the family but friend A and then I start paying the babysitter and friend A disappears without saying bye or anything because she knew that I had told DD that friend A couldn't come when I wasn't at home.

WWYD...I still haven't told my DH, he just thinks that I got mad at DD because of the fake "did not make it" message - if he saw these texts my DD would not be leaving the house for a few years other than to go to school

Do you think that I overreacted? was I too strict or not strict enough.

 

[Sparx]

honestly, i think you're over reacting a bit.

(and is "idiot" on the same plane as the f word now?)

 

[Stacerita]

I would say you are over reacting a bit.

Punish her for the bad words and her own potty mouth. Don't bring up something that happened a couple of weeks ago with the friend being there when she wasn't supposed to. If you were upset about it, you should have dealt with it then.

The punishment should fit the crime so to speak. There was a few threads floating around here about that. Take the phone away for a while, or tell her no texting for a set amount of time. Don't think she should be punished by taking away dance classes. JMO

 

[Stacerita]

OK - so tonight my DD comes upstairs and is crying after texting with a friend - this friend "A" pretended to be someone else but had the friend "A's" phone and texted my DD saying that the friend A had not made it after having a concussion. Of course, my DD was devasted & believed it. When I asked why she was crying, she showed me the message, and I said "this doesn't sound right" so I call the friend A's number and it went into voice mail. But, as I'm walking up the stairs, a text comes through saying that she can't talk but to text. I get mad since my DD had my BFF DD here spending the night.

Well, I take the phone away from my DD and tell her that this friend A is not a friend by pulling that type of joke on my DD but DD still believed that something bad happened to friend A.

Things only get better (said in a very sarcastic voice at past midnight) - I look through the text messages and I couldn't believe the language that my DD & friend A had been using on the texts. Friend A really doesn't have much parental supervision (her Mom has a cleaning business & leaves her in the house by herself most of the time) and her mouth is basically a "potty mouth" and now I found out that my DD was using the same words including the f--- word, idiot, etc. to some of the text she sent to friend A - I literally exploded!!!

Phone has been taken away indefinitely, I told her that any additional ballet classes are up in the air, she is to immediately stop talking to this friend A and if she ever associated with friend A in school

This is also the friend that I told her a couple of weeks ago that she couldn't come over to our house when there was a babysitter here (my work days) because it wasn't fair to the babysitter - well, lo & behold I come home early from work and who is sitting on a chair in the family but friend A and then I start paying the babysitter and friend A disappears without saying bye or anything because she knew that I had told DD that friend A couldn't come when I wasn't at home.

WWYD...I still haven't told my DH, he just thinks that I got mad at DD because of the fake "did not make it" message - if he saw these texts my DD would not be leaving the house for a few years other than to go to school

Do you think that I overreacted? was I too strict or not strict enough.

Almost forgot new rule.

 

[HunnyPots]

Taking the phone away? Yep, I'm right there with ya! Whenever either of my kids had an "issue" of this nature, I always assumed they had too much time on their hands and needed something more constructive to do. I had no problem finding a substitute activity for them, usually involving lawn care, garage cleaning, car washing, things of that nature.

Keeping her away from the "friend" is going to be a tough one, as you can't follow her to school every day and monitor who she associates with. And of course, forbidding anything or anyone always makes it that much more appealing.

Good luck - this is just the beginning!

 

[IDoDis]

I think you overreacted. We all do it. Your DD is spreading her wings and unfortunately, using foul language is one of those things some kids do to try and fit in. Obviously she knows better and doesn't talk that way at home, so just be frank with her and let her know that you are disappointed in her "choice" language and as she gets older, people will judge her negatively by the language she chooses to use. .

Maybe a more appropriate punishment would be to block texting from her phone for a a determined length of time. That way she'll still have her phone for emergencies, but every time she wants to send a text and can't, she'll remember why.

And as far as the friend being there w/out your permission when the sitter was there, don't blame the friend, blame your DD for letting her friend come in. She knew the rule and she is responsible for that one. That's actually a separate issue though, so don't confuse the two.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So is this the 11yo? So that would make her in 4th, 5th or 6th grade?

Frankly I am stunned that you did not tell your dh. We are a united front with our kids and we parent together. I have 2 dd's, 12 and 18.

I would sit with DH and we would come to an appropriate punishment together. Your DH needs to be kept in the loop. Trust me you are going to need his backup as the girls get older. Plus dad can really guide the girls. I know my dd's really respect their father and his info.

And to put it mildly, as another poster said, this is the beginning. This will be a nice situation to bust your dh's cherry.......

 

[pyrxtc]

At 11, she shoulnd't be texting words like that, but it is starting to be cool ats chool to do so wiht your friends. I know my 15 yr old can have a mouth at school, I remmeber how it was, but as long as she controls her mouth around adults and younger kids then I am not going to judge her on it. 11 is too young to accept it now. I agree with taking the phone away for a period of time. Is there something you can do to it to lock it from texting for a while? So she can ahve her phone for emergencies but not texting on it ? I also agree that punishing her for soemthing that happened 2 weeks ago is too late to do it now.

 

[MushyMushy]

I think you overreacted. She's awfully young for that kind of language, but in my opinion, the kids can use whatever language they want with their peers as long as they can speak appropriately in front of adults. (at least that's the way I handled it with my kids)

As for the not going to make it thing -- nothing you can do about that. My DD has a friend who is constantly making stuff up and my daughter is good about coming to me before jumping to conclusions.

 

[Christine]

My son was about 13 when I saw him use a "bad" word on his AIM account. I was stunned. I called him out on it, saw that this is how they talk on these type of things, and told him I better NEVER hear him speak like that in front of me, or in a group of people, etc. I didn't punish him. I just don't think it's something you can "win". I don't care for it though.

 

[Darsa]

I do know that my DD13 wouldn't say the s-word if she had a mouthful, KWIM? But she does use stronger language in texting/IM'ing her friends than she speaks. She knows I don't approve of it and apologizes if I catch it, but I expect it to happen truthfully. Kids talked like this when *I* was 13, and here it is 26 years later and I can't see that things have gotten any "cleaner".

 

[golfgal]

My son was about 13 when I saw him use a "bad" word on his AIM account. I was stunned. I called him out on it, saw that this is how they talk on these type of things, and told him I better NEVER hear him speak like that in front of me, or in a group of people, etc. I didn't punish him. I just don't think it's something you can "win". I don't care for it though.

I agree. There have been a few things in text messages/facebook, etc. that made me go but I have never once heard our kids speak those words. I am not naive, I am sure they say then around their friends, maybe, but I have never heard them come out of their friends' mouth either. There are a lot of pre-teen girls that are just nasty and it sounds like your DD got hooked up with one of them. By forbidding your DD to talk to her, hang out with her you have just dangled the proverbial apple in front of her face. I would sit down with her, calmly, and explain that friends don't treat each other that way and SHE may want to rethink having a "friendship" with this girl.

I would not have taken the phone away, nor would I have tried to call the girl back. I would have told her to turn off the phone and go to bed. Just ignore the snotty girl.

I am also SO GLAD my DD has not had to deal with kids like that girl!!!

 

[Mellie2162]

Another vote for over reacting. She didn't start potty mouth texting overnight. I would have spoken to her and let her know that you will be randomly checking texts from now on and the consequences of potty texts. Also why not tell DH about the potty texts? Communication is key in a marriage and you should not keep secrets from him about anything.

 

[Disney Doll]

Here's what I'd do (and I don't have kids so take it for what it's worth):

I'd take texting off the phone. I'd tell her the phone is only to be used for emergencies like "Mom I need a ride" or "Dad there is a strange man following me in a white van offering me candy if I get into the van". I'd do this for a period of one month to really make the lesson "stick" a little. I'd also inform her that I would be checking the cell phone bill to make sure she was not using the phone indiscriminately and that she might be asked to tell me about every call logged on the bill under her phone #. Not saying I'd actually do that, but I'd make her think I might. I'd also tell her that when she got texting priveleges back in one month that I would retain to right to check her phone at will. My theory is as the parent if you pay the bill, then you have the right to know what's going on with the phone.

I wouldn't bring the ballet class into it at all. That's a bit of overkill.

As far as the friend...this is what I see as the "teachable moment"...to use that recently overused, hackneyed phrase.

Your DD sounds like she may be a bit of a "sheep" rather than a "shepherd"....ie-easily led. "Friend A" sounds like she is a classic manipulative teen girl. Your DD needs to learn how to deal with manipulative people, because she will encounter them all her life. "Friend A" came over the house a while back when your babysitter was there...well, who let her in? DD, who knew that she wasn't supposed to be there but "Friend A" probably said "Oh come on, don't be a baby, are you going to let your Mom tell you what to do?" and things like that. Now, with this incident, again, here's your DD being manipulated by "Friend A" into believing someone else died from a concussion. So, rather than forbidding contact with "Friend A" (because we all knwo that never works), why not have a discussion with her about why she thinks someone who will make her disobey her mother (the babysitter incident) and then a few weeks later tell her an upsetting lie, not to mention the terrible texting language, is someone she thinks is worthwhile to be her friend?

 

[java]

Forget about banning the friend. It'll only backfire on you. She's 11. For the language - I would take the phone away. I do spot checks. I pay the bill- so they know I am checking whenever. They watch what they type. And since it's pop in checks they haven't yet figured out to text and delete. (that'll come I guess some day but hopefully by then they'll be old enough for me not to mind)

I understand your frustration with the Friend. And your dd may just be following along - but it's a good time to let her understand that she doesn't have to do it just because someone else is doing it.

 

[goofy4tink]

Here's what I'd do (and I don't have kids so take it for what it's worth):

I'd take texting off the phone. I'd tell her the phone is only to be used for emergencies like "Mom I need a ride" or "Dad there is a strange man following me in a white van offering me candy if I get into the van". I'd do this for a period of one month to really make the lesson "stick" a little. I'd also inform her that I would be checking the cell phone bill to make sure she was not using the phone indiscriminately and that she might be asked to tell me about every call logged on the bill under her phone #. Not saying I'd actually do that, but I'd make her think I might. I'd also tell her that when she got texting priveleges back in one month that I would retain to right to check her phone at will. My theory is as the parent if you pay the bill, then you have the right to know what's going on with the phone.

I wouldn't bring the ballet class into it at all. That's a bit of overkill.

As far as the friend...this is what I see as the "teachable moment"...to use that recently overused, hackneyed phrase.

Your DD sounds like she may be a bit of a "sheep" rather than a "shepherd"....ie-easily led. "Friend A" sounds like she is a classic manipulative teen girl. Your DD needs to learn how to deal with manipulative people, because she will encounter them all her life. "Friend A" came over the house a while back when your babysitter was there...well, who let her in? DD, who knew that she wasn't supposed to be there but "Friend A" probably said "Oh come on, don't be a baby, are you going to let your Mom tell you what to do?" and things like that. Now, with this incident, again, here's your DD being manipulated by "Friend A" into believing someone else died from a concussion. So, rather than forbidding contact with "Friend A" (because we all knwo that never works), why not have a discussion with her about why she thinks someone who will make her disobey her mother (the babysitter incident) and then a few weeks later tell her an upsetting lie, not to mention the terrible texting language, is someone she thinks is worthwhile to be her friend?

I do have kids....35, 33 and 15. And this is exactly what I would do. I maintain that we give our kids way too many choices at too young an age. My dd got her phone when she was 13. And she didn't have the ability to text...not until a year or so ago. Way to tempting and possible to get into trouble. Take away the ability to text. At least until she shows herself to be resonsible enough for it.
I was one of those who thought my dear, sweet angelic dd wouldn't say 'poop' if she had a mouthful. Well....color me stupid. I have seen some of her Facebook stuff and it's pretty potty mouth. But when I explained to her the dangers of potty mouth on the internet, she realized that she was wrong.
Potty mouth is never an option....I don't care if it's to m face or in a text or on FB..or just with your group of friends. That kind of behaviour creeps into your everyday life and pretty soon you're talking like that to everyone, without even realizing it.

I wouldn't take away ballet classes. But, I would use the whole bad apple friend as a teaching moment. Your dd is going to have to make good choices on her own, sooner rather than later. Giving her some guidance now is much better than punishment. Give her something positive to fall back on when she is faced with choices and you aren't around to help.

 

[RitaE]

I'd probably turn off texting for a week or two and temper down my urges to blame my kid's misbehavior on anything other than my kids. The friends may or may not be poorly parented/evil incarnate future stars of Reality TV ... it doesn't matter. My kids are responsible for their own behavior. Negative influences in life are only going to increase as they get older, it's much better to learn to resist them at age 11.


And gosh, if I couldn't have my nightly "YOUR spawn are driving me nuts and this is exactly WHY" gripe out session with my husband I think my head would have exploded about 10 years ago. Why in the world are you hiding this from him?

 

[czycropper]

UPDATE - My DH & I spoke this morning. The reason I didn't tell him last night was that he had a crazy day yesterday - going into the NYC for a settlement negotiation (about 3 hour commute back & forth) & then coming home to a black out that lasted till about 9 pm (which I forgot to mention in my original post) - he literraly collapsed in bed and when he heard my DD & I talking at 11:30 pm he just closed the door

The phone has been taken away until it's earned back (which my DH says will be maybe for her next birthday). She is to take my DH's phone to any cheer competition and dance activities since his phone doesn't have text and only used for emergencies.

I wasn't going to take all of her dance classes away just one - she's already taking pointe, technical ballet, & jazz/lyrical but wants to take an extra ballet class which my DH is not too happy about her taking.

I've already told her that friends don't do what this friend A did. Fortunately, they are not in the same class (my DD is in all advanced classes with most of her cheer friends) and not even in the same side of the building at school. They also have different lunch schedules starting in Sept. So they really won't see much of each other.

Side Note - I checked her other texts this morning and one of her cheer friends had asked her whether she was going to tell me about friend A - this after friend A had texted her saying that it was all a joke!

 

[clarabelle]

I wouldn't take away the ballet.
She needs nice productive things to do -not more time to text or to think about how mean her mom is LOL
Parenting -sigh
toughest job I have ever had

 

[NotUrsula]

You've already gotten good advice on punishment, I won't add to that.

What I will say, on the topic of "potty mouth" is that while it may not matter what kids SAY among their friends, what they WRITE (either online or in text messages) has the potential to live forever. I have hammered it and hammered into DS' brain that whatever I've said about inappropriate speech goes triple when it comes to text-based electronic communications.

Folks -- text messages and emails and web pages can live forever. Backups are made several times daily, and backups of backups are made periodically, too. Never trust that an email or text or web posting will ever be completely disposed of, because someone who knows what he or she is doing will almost always able to resurrect it if need be.