Would you want to know?

[Wishing on a star]

Just checking in here, out of curiosity....

I actually 'liked' your above posts Hikergirl, Cabana, and others!!!!
Not that this makes a huge difference, but in all honesty, I had missed that the child was younger when the first contact was tried....

We do agree on a lot.
All in all, I do think that there is a lot that has been less than truthful and forthcoming.
And this applies to both sides!

No matter though. Because, going on FB was definitely the wrong thing to do in every way. And, at this point, IMHO, any other unsolicited attempts to make contact would be wrong and misguided.

 

[DawnM]

Two things seem to be coming up a lot:

first there is this idea taht the OP's husband was manipulated as a teen and forced to give up his rights. Yet, apparently the family moved away shortly after the child was born and he never had contact with his biological daughter before turning 18 and signing away rights?
Am I the only one seeing a disconect there? How easily could he be manioulated for well over a year from a distance??
I just really feel like during the 1-2 year gap there he had more than enough time to come to his sense, speak to his parents or a school counselor or some other adult and get help to gain custody or visitation rights if he actually wanted to be a parent to this girl. I can understand that being so young he did not and I do not fault him for that, but I do fault an adult for now trying to paint himself as some formerly poor helpless manipulated teen when we had lots of time to step up and chose not to then. It sounds more like an adult regreting choices he made when young---it happens, but he still needs to live with HIS choices.

.

I don't know, I have a 16 year old and an 18 year old. I think they really don't know what they want and rely on adults to make decisions for them.

You can't gain custody after you sign away rights legally. Once you are no longer the legal parent, you can't fight anything, the other parents have all the rights.

 

[Wishing on a star]

When do her choices start to matter?

You just hit the nail directly on the head.
This, IMHO, is the HUGE HUGE issue.

Whether there is the possibility that the family kept all of this from her.
Or whether the OP's husband is wanting to make contact out of the blue.

That is what is wrong with these very real possibilities on BOTH sides.
They deprive her of any choice in the matter, regarding a very personal part of her life.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I had the same thought. Some young adults struggle with emotional or mental health issues. What it she is one of them and this would further complicate a precarious situation? Nobody knows anything about this young lady, but just assumes she's a happy healthy well adjusted young woman. There's no way to know that or how having this dumped on her now would affect her life.

Even if she is happy and healthy, she's still of the age she might be in college. Maybe it would be a terrible distraction at this point in her life.

I totally understand the comment by the PP who said their counselor had advised against sharing the information in this period of life.

Oh good. I'm glad someone got what I was saying. I didn't want it to come off wrong. It's just a hard age and I know several people that have struggled at that age, either with a serious problem or maybe more growing pains. If you know nothing about some who really have no idea if a major bombshell (if this even is one, maybe she already knows) is going to push them into a tailspin.

 

[Nancyg56]

To be technically clear, the voluntary release of parental rights means that the girl's family are not in fact blocking contact with a family member by blocking and deleting facebook. OP's DH is not in fact this girl's family member because of a very serious choice he made VOLUNTARILY years ago. That choice included abdicating responsibilities as a parent to others willing to step into the breach and make sure a child was cared for and nurtured.

I cannot say that the decision a young man made when he was a teen means that he abdicated responsibility. He voluntarily gave his parental rights up, and that was probably the best decision for the baby.

Now with that said, if this guy contacted me via FB when my DD was 13, using social media as a means of contact, I would question his judgment and would probably refuse to allow any contact at that time. There are acceptable methods of contact under these circumstances, and a message on FB is not one of them. WHether it was the case or not, I would regard that contact as impulsive and not well thought out, and I woudl nto put my daughter through any trauma while a grown man worked out his issues, especially when those issues could severely impact my precious young daughter for the rest of her life. You want to contact us, you do it through prope channels and let us decide if we, all of us, are willing to open that door.

 

[mom2rtk]

Oh good. I'm glad someone got what I was saying. I didn't want it to come off wrong. It's just a hard age and I know several people that have struggled at that age, either with a serious problem or maybe more growing pains. If you know nothing about some who really have no idea if a major bombshell (if this even is one, maybe she already knows) is going to push them into a tailspin.

Yes, I got it. And had already considered that before reading the post I was talking about. I found it again and will quote below.

Without considering this possibility, the bio parent really shows they are doing this for selfish reasons, not because they think it's best for the child. Registering, then letting the child pursue the information is the height of a selfless act, and lets it all be within the control of the child to pursue at a time that is right for them, instead of a time that is right for the bio parent.

Both of my kids are adopted. They are still very little, but they both know that they are adopted and know a little bit about their birth families. Clearly, at 4 and 7, they don't fully understand what it means, but we talk a lot and answer questions and add depth and layers as they grow. If, when my kids are older, they want to search for their birth parents, I will be 100% supportive. I can't imagine how overwhelmingly joyful I would be to get to hug and thank their birth parents. So I'm not at all opposed to birth parents becoming involved in and getting to know their birth kids.

BUT... big but...
The time, place, and method matter. A lot. And all decisions about it have to be made with the best interest of the child - not the birth parents and certainly not the adoptive parents - in mind.
I just can't see how reaching out to the girl at this point in her life will offer her anything good at all.
If she already knows, then she should be given the leway and power to decide when and if she wants to reach out.
If she doesn't know, age 20, when you are just starting your own life and beginning to really develop your own inner sense of self, is a HORRID age to intrude and upset her life like this. She's too old to be easily comforted and cared for by her parents, but too young to have the life coping skills and self-awareness to really process by herself. Our agency very specifically advises against having kids search in their late teens and early 20s. They say either keep an open relationship so they meet birth parents as younger kids or wait until they are in their 30s and more able to handle it.

I would honestly be shocked if the girl doesn't know she's adopted. It's been standard advice in the adoption community for at least a full generation now to just always talk about adoption with kids, from even before they can understand. Plus, from the little we know about how it all went down 20 years ago, it just seems unlikely that they would have been able to hide it completely from all other relatives and friends. And "secret" adoptions are typically only possible if it's the old fashioned "send the girl away to camp for 9 months" situation or a non-relative adoption. If the girl was pregnant and remained with her family, then every aunt, uncle, and cousin knows the story already. So I can't imagine the parents risking little cousin Johnny accidentally saying something over the Thanksgiving turkey.

I get that the birth father probably desperately wants to know that his daughter is OK. And that's admirable and understandable. But he needs to act like a father and put the girl's needs way ahead of his own. Register for the adoption search registries, and then let it be, at least for several more years.

 

[buffettgirl]

With so many assumptions being made everyone seems to be overlooking the obvious: The people who raised this child might know a lot more about the situation than the OP. They might know that the OP's husband was a complete jerk to their daughter, the baby's bio mother. They might know that the Op's husband never intended to support the baby. They might know that the Op's husband was into drugs / beat their daughter / was going to drop out of school.

The list of assumptions we can make about this situation are pretty long. Seems that the OP is making plenty of assumptions of her own, starting with assuming that her husband is telling her the full and complete truth.

 

[CarolAnn856]

With so many assumptions being made everyone seems to be overlooking the obvious: The people who raised this child might know a lot more about the situation than the OP. They might know that the OP's husband was a complete jerk to their daughter, the baby's bio mother. They might know that the Op's husband never intended to support the baby. They might know that the Op's husband was into drugs / beat their daughter / was going to drop out of school.

The list of assumptions we can make about this situation are pretty long. Seems that the OP is making plenty of assumptions of her own, starting with assuming that her husband is telling her the full and complete truth.

I've been wondering how much of the story the OP has left out, either intentionally or simply because she does not know it herself. Given that new information keeps popping up throughout the discussion, some of which drastically alters the initial storyline, I'm finding it difficult to elicit the initial sympathy I felt for her husband.

 

[Bluestars]

Your biological parents? Even if it meant your whole life was built on a lie? We're dealing with something like that. Want to reach out to a biological child after many years but fear it could ruin their lives. Would you do it? Have you done it?

Oh. For info sale this "child" is 20.

If it were me, I would want to know the truth.

 

[Kellykins1218]

Something here is just not upfront and truthful.

Yes, like a man trying to directly contact a 13 year old child, that he has absolutely no claim to, for his own selfish reasons. He has absolutely no right to even attempt contact no matter how old she is now. Totally inappropriate.

 

[mummabear]

I cannot say that the decision a young man made when he was a teen means that he abdicated responsibility. He voluntarily gave his parental rights up, and that was probably the best decision for the baby.

Now with that said, if this guy contacted me via FB when my DD was 13, using social media as a means of contact, I would question his judgment and would probably refuse to allow any contact at that time. There are acceptable methods of contact under these circumstances, and a message on FB is not one of them. WHether it was the case or not, I would regard that contact as impulsive and not well thought out, and I woudl nto put my daughter through any trauma while a grown man worked out his issues, especially when those issues could severely impact my precious young daughter for the rest of her life. You want to contact us, you do it through prope channels and let us decide if we, all of us, are willing to open that door.

Serious question (not being cheeky) if these parents have moved and are unlisted, there is possibly no adoption agency to contact since its within family, what proper channels are you suggesting?

Maybe Facebook wasn't an impulsive act but the only way to make any contact.
My understanding is that he made contact with the parents not the girl.
I am not sure why a private Facebook message is any different to an email or even a letter in this day and age.

 

[mummabear]

It could very well be that this girl's family on the maternal side views OP's husband as an unsavory person based on the fact he got their daughter pregnant, hid the pregnancy from his parents, made no attempt to stay in his daughter's life or provide for her at all before signing away his rights. It may even be true that there was the extensive delay in signing away his rights because he was hiding the situation from his parents & the secret would have been revealed if he had attempted to sign earlier.

I know it sounds like I am defending the sad a lot and I don't mean to, just interesting to debate the other side sometimes.
Has anyone questioned why he kept it secret from his family? Maybe he was really scared. It sounds like he made the decision without anyone looking out for him and helping him with the decision.

With known adoptees they have other concerns to work through, but they don't have the "my whole life is a lie" issues or "all my core family members lied to me" burden that a secret adoptee would have. This would be completely altering someone's reality that their entire childhood/parental bond was built on.

It's interesting, we have a friend that has just adopted an newborn, the adoption agency strongly suggested not letting the child or anyone else know they were adopted. They said that adopted kids get teased a lot.
I don't think my friend has decided to do this, a little hard to drop one kid off on Friday and the show up at school on Monday with a baby saying oh yeah totally mine.
I would have thought it was easier to talk to them about it all along about how the bio parents loved them so much they wanted what was best for the baby and that they loved him so much that they chose him.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I don't know, I have a 16 year old and an 18 year old. I think they really don't know what they want and rely on adults to make decisions for them.

You can't gain custody after you sign away rights legally. Once you are no longer the legal parent, you can't fight anything, the other parents have all the rights.

Really?

Mine are 17 and 19 and I cannot fathom them, or any of hteir friends, being bale to be manipulated to the extent that they keep a child secret and then sign away rights to that child for close to TWO YEARS, especially if the so called manipulators moved to another location and were not even local to do the manipulating (and even more so 20 years ago when an online presence through which to manipulate would also have been much less than now).

I mean, that is some amazing powers of control that the grandparents supposedly had over a 16-18 year old young man!

I don't buy it. I agree with the PP (Cabanafrau?) who said the OP's husband is probably remembering himself in a more favourable light than how things actually ocurred. I have worked with a whole lot of teens and never known one who I htink could be that completly controlled by unrelated adults from so far away.

 

[Nancyg56]

Serious question (not being cheeky) if these parents have moved and are unlisted, there is possibly no adoption agency to contact since its within family, what proper channels are you suggesting?

Maybe Facebook wasn't an impulsive act but the only way to make any contact.
My understanding is that he made contact with the parents not the girl.
I am not sure why a private Facebook message is any different to an email or even a letter in this day and age.

I do not pretend to be an expert in this, but I do know there are registries. My husband's cousin had given her baby up. WHen the baby was an adult, the young woman used them to find her. The relationship was rocky at best, but they did try.

FB is not a secure means of contact, and it is not uncommon for children to access parents accounts. This is not an invitation to a party, it was an attempt to establish a relationship with a teen. It woudl upset me, although I do not know how I would react.

I feel badly for this man, I really do. However I firmly believe that once the decision is made that an adoption is the best for the child, that decision needs to be honored. Would this man attempt this kind of contact if he did not have a prior knowledge of the adoptive parents?

 

[lorenni]

Your biological parents? Even if it meant your whole life was built on a lie? We're dealing with something like that. Want to reach out to a biological child after many years but fear it could ruin their lives. Would you do it? Have you done it?

Oh. For info sale this "child" is 20.

I think your question is really whether or not you should contact the adult biological child. And for me the answer would be no.

I am assuming that if you have the means to contact the child, then that child also possibly has the means to contact you. (I have not read the full thread, so apologize if this is detailed elsewhere). I would leave it up to the child to reach out - in all instances of adoption.

The only exception would be if the need arose to share important medical history not already known to the adoptive parents.

 

[DawnM]

Really?

Mine are 17 and 19 and I cannot fathom them, or any of hteir friends, being bale to be manipulated to the extent that they keep a child secret and then sign away rights to that child for close to TWO YEARS, especially if the so called manipulators moved to another location and were not even local to do the manipulating (and even more so 20 years ago when an online presence through which to manipulate would also have been much less than now).

I mean, that is some amazing powers of control that the grandparents supposedly had over a 16-18 year old young man!

I don't buy it. I agree with the PP (Cabanafrau?) who said the OP's husband is probably remembering himself in a more favourable light than how things actually ocurred. I have worked with a whole lot of teens and never known one who I htink could be that completly controlled by unrelated adults from so far away.

If you are telling them they need to sign away rights, the girl's parents are telling them, possibly other adults are telling them, yes. REALLY.

Kids are scared, they don't often know what to do and follow advice given to them.

I don't know about this particular situation, but it does happen.

 

[gwynne]

I've been wondering how much of the story the OP has left out, either intentionally or simply because she does not know it herself. Given that new information keeps popping up throughout the discussion, some of which drastically alters the initial storyline, I'm finding it difficult to elicit the initial sympathy I felt for her husband.

Really?

Mine are 17 and 19 and I cannot fathom them, or any of hteir friends, being bale to be manipulated to the extent that they keep a child secret and then sign away rights to that child for close to TWO YEARS, especially if the so called manipulators moved to another location and were not even local to do the manipulating (and even more so 20 years ago when an online presence through which to manipulate would also have been much less than now).

I mean, that is some amazing powers of control that the grandparents supposedly had over a 16-18 year old young man!

I don't buy it. I agree with the PP (Cabanafrau?) who said the OP's husband is probably remembering himself in a more favourable light than how things actually ocurred. I have worked with a whole lot of teens and never known one who I htink could be that completly controlled by unrelated adults from so far away.

I agree with you about teens. I realize this doesn't apply to all teens.
I think @CarolAnn856 and @cabanafrau are spot on with thinking there must be more to this story. This apparently happened in the mid-90's time frame. That's not the 'olden days of adoption.

And my opinion only? I would never want to be the person seemly urging on establishing rapid contact in a "non-traditional" way.
There are some checks to slow the process for a reason. If it's important, it's worth doing correctly. And to me, correctly means get some counseling and registering with adoption registries.

 

[Nancyg56]

If you are telling them they need to sign away rights, the girl's parents are telling them, possibly other adults are telling them, yes. REALLY.

Kids are scared, they don't often know what to do and follow advice given to them.

I don't know about this particular situation, but it does happen.

I agree. I was a mother and had my own home at 18, so I have a hard time with the notion that an 18 YO would not know what to do under pressure, but then I look back.....and some of the decisions I made! My goodness! But I have to add that the family in my life helped me make decisions that empowered me and kept me whole. And I still shudder.

I trusted them. If this young man was given advice from people he trusted I cannot blame him. All I can say is that no matter the duress, you are responsible for your decisions, and you need to own that.

 

[Aliceacc]

Total hijack.

This thread has been on my mind a lot. As I've mentioned, one of my kids was adopted, and is heading off to college in 2 weeks.. And my friends across the street have a 4 year old who was adopted. They hadn't ever found the words to tell her, and it's been on my mind to talk with them about broaching the subject.

I was over in their yard last night, and they commented on how quickly my son's childhood went, and about that first night he arrived from Korea at the airport. I asked whether they had ever had the conversation with their daughter, and they said they didn't know how to do it. I said I would be happy to help if they wanted, and they agreed.

So I asked "K, did I ever tell you about the first time I met you? You know how most babies come out of their mommy's tummy? Well, you came out of a different lady's tummy, but she didn't have enough money for diapers and bottles and toys and sprinklers. (She had just been playing in the sprinkler.) So mommy and daddy got to be your mommy and daddy....." Then I told her the song I used to sing to my son on his Gotcha Day. She loved the song, and had me repeat it over and over, changing the name in the song from his to hers. I promised that on her Gotcha Day, I would sing it again.

My friends looked as though the weight of the world had been lifted. They asked how much of it I thought K understood, and I replied that that was the point: she understood as much as she was capable of understanding, but she would never remember a time when she didn't know she had been adopted. And that they should show her pictures of that first Gotcha Day, and keep the conversation up every once in a while.

So some real good has come from this thread.

 

[DawnM]

Total hijack.

This thread has been on my mind a lot. As I've mentioned, one of my kids was adopted. And my friends across the street have a 4 year old who was adopted. They hadn't ever found the words to tell her, and it's been on my mind to talk with them about broaching the subject.

I was over in their yard last night, and they commented on how quickly my son's childhood went, and about that first night he arrived from Korea at the airport. I asked whether they had ever had the conversation with their daughter, and they said they didn't know how to do it. I said I would be happy to help if they wanted, and they agreed.

So I asked "K, did I ever tell you about the first time I met you? You know how most babies come out of their mommy's tummy? Well, you came out of a different lady's tummy, but she didn't have enough money for diapers and bottles and toys and sprinklers. (She had just been playing in the sprinkler.) So mommy and daddy got to be your mommy and daddy....." Then I told her the song I used to sing to my son on his Gotcha Day. She loved the song, and had me repeat it over and over, changing the name in the song from his to hers. I promised that on her Gotcha Day, I would sing it again.

My friends looked as though the weight of the world had been lifted. They asked how much of it I thought K understood, and I replied that that was the point: she understood as much as she was capable of understanding, but she would never remember a time when she didn't know she had been adopted. And that they should show her pictures of that first Gotcha Day, and keep the conversation up every once in a while.

So some real good has come from this thread.

I remember one day when my son was about 6. He came to me and said, "Wait a minute, so I had a different mom before you?" I was prepared for something deep and possibly hard, but I went through a short, "Well, yes," and then some details. He looked at me, and said, "Oh, ok" and ran off and played.

I have asked if he feels different or needs to talk to someone (therapist) and he says no, he is fine with it. He knows we WILL take him if he needs it.

I can't imagine not knowing. I am adopted and I have adopted. It is near and dear to my heart.