Would you want to know?

[Hrhpd]

Bio mother was 18 at the time of her pregnancy. She was a junior/senior. DH was freshman/sophomore so she was 2 years older. "Manned up?" There's some dis parents that would still have their 16/17 year olds in strollers and 5 point harnesses. And for the record DH isn't doing anything except trying to connect with a daughter that he should have been ENCOURAGED to communicate with from the beginning. They cut him off. He was a good kid. Not a hoodlum. Not a punk. Just naïve.

He didn't make the decision till 18, so it is disingenuous to keep saying he was 16 when he gave up his rights.

And she is not his daughter. She is the adoptive parent's daughter.

 

[Hrhpd]

Thanks. I believe he has decided to reach out to her adopted father (grandfather) first.

And if her father rebuffs him again, what is his plan? Will he let it go?

 

[mom2rtk]

And if her father rebuffs him again, what is his plan? Will he let it go?

I think that's a critical piece of this story. Not only was he an adult, but he was an adult with 2 full years to consider the situation.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I'm torn here. If my parents weren't really my parents, I want to know that. But I would want them to tell me, not my biological father.

 

[low-key]

I need the truth, even if it would mess up my life

 

[Hrhpd]

My guess is my DH was scared, alone, and being manipulated by the other side.

He might have been scared and manipulated at 16. But he did not sign his rights away until 18. So, again, trying to make him out as a young, scared teenager is again disingenuous.

 

[Hrhpd]

Decisions have been made so I'm gonna let this thread die. Thank you everyone for your input. Whether it was for or against this I appreciate it all. Perspective is good. It's just one of those things. Life is funny and unpredictable. It's awful and amazing all at the same time. I've been kicked in the face more than I care to admit but you keep walking the path.

Then why did you ask?

 

[Mirielle]

Where is the "biological" mother? What is her stance on this?

 

[BigAlsGal]

Then why did you ask?

Then why did you ask?

Sorry I will answer this question. My husband let me know his decision tonight. I had this thread going most of the day. Again thanks.

 

[BigAlsGal]

Where is the "biological" mother? What is her stance on this?

She's married, with a couple kids. Away from this daughter. Last answer I swear.

 

[BigAlsGal]

I need the truth, even if it would mess up my life

 

[cjbcam]

I think he should make himself known to his kid. I know adopted people and all have tried to get to meet their biological moms. The child is an adult. (Older than your husband was when he had to give up the child) I would want to know.

 

[CF'er]

I haven't read this whole thread but you would not only destroy the relationship with the parents/grandparents but also the sister/mother. That is a really selfish thing to do.

 

[Canooknic]

A couple of years ago I was 'the child'....I was 38.

One of my siblings found out by accident that my parents had separated when they were young and as a result I was conceived with another man but my parents got back together before my mom knew she was pregnant. My Dad raised me as his own and I am so grateful.

The truth coming out has put a big wedge in my relationship with my brother because it's not something I ever would have wanted to know - he told me because he didn't like having a secret and my SIL told him that if it was her then she'd want to know!!
He is now in an even worse situation because I've made him promise not to tell our parents that we know so he's still stuck in a secret!!

 

[Hrhpd]

She's married, with a couple kids. Away from this daughter. Last answer I swear.

Then I don't understand why he just does not contact his former girlfriend and ask her if the young lady knows she is adopted.

I am sorry if this is incorrect, but the more you post, the more it sounds like your husband is jealous and still harbors ill feelings for her grandparents/parents and wants to make sure she knows that he is her biological sperm donor.

 

[bookgirl]

Contact should be initiated by the child not the parent. You could make sure that the child has access to the contact information but unless they want to find the parents then any contact would be an intrusion.

 

[mom2rtk]

Ultimately it does not matter one iota whether any of us would want to know. What matters is whether this specific girl would want to know. And there is no way to know the answer to that without telling her. So if your husband really wants to do what is best for her, he will just register his information so she can find it if or when she goes looking. Then get on with his life.

 

[Sabeking]

What a difficult thread to digest! OP I will give you my thoughts as a person who placed a child for adoption and how I think I would feel as an adopted child.

Firstly, I placed my daughter when I was 21, pregnant through rape. I don't care if you are 16, 18 or 30 placing your child for adoption is tough emotional stuff and clarity on how to handle all the ins and outs up to everyone's standards is laughable. You do the best you can at the time. I had made a decision years ago that I would never contact my daughter as I had made the decision to place her and honestly did not want her to know how she was conceived. Every child should have an opportunity to be happy with no strings or in this case baggage attached. I understand your DH may have been coerced to make the decision he did as a very young man and that can have terrible long term regrets. Unfortunately, even with that being said, as an adult you have to take into consideration that his reveal may cause more harm than good. I would suggest before he even consider contacting the family he calls a counselor to talk about his feelings he had at 16, 18 etc... He needs to get his feelings straightened out before he even considers involving his birth daughter. It wouldn't hurt and I certainly think it would help.

Surprisingly , I will say if I were adopted I think I would want to know. I wish you all the best and ask that you, your husband and someone in the adoption field sort through your husband's feelings!

 

[mom2rtk]

What a difficult thread to digest! OP I will give you my thoughts as a person who placed a child for adoption and how I think I would feel as an adopted child.

Firstly, I placed my daughter when I was 21, pregnant through rape. I don't care if you are 16, 18 or 30 placing your child for adoption is tough emotional stuff and clarity on how to handle all the ins and outs up to everyone's standards is laughable. You do the best you can at the time. I had made a decision years ago that I would never contact my daughter as I had made the decision to place her and honestly did not want her to know how she was conceived. Every child should have an opportunity to be happy with no strings or in this case baggage attached. I understand your DH may have been coerced to make the decision he did as a very young man and that can have terrible long term regrets. Unfortunately, even with that being said, as an adult you have to take into consideration that his reveal may cause more harm than good. I would suggest before he even consider contacting the family he calls a counselor to talk about his feelings he had at 16, 18 etc... He needs to get his feelings straightened out before he even considers involving his birth daughter. It wouldn't hurt and I certainly think it would help.

Surprisingly , I will say if I were adopted I think I would want to know. I wish you all the best and ask that you, your husband and someone in the adoption field sort through your husband's feelings!

What a selfless act on behalf of your child.

 

[ols386]

I was adopted. I wouldn't. If the kid wants to know, and it wouldn't ruin their life, then that's a different story.