Would you want to know?

[BigAlsGal]

Was he involved in her life for those 2 years? If so maybe she DOES know he exists and might reach out to him when the time is right.

I believe when he signed away his rights he had NO idea they would push him out and completely exclude him.

 

[HarleenQ]

What if what you think DOESNT happen?

This is his plan. Reaching out to her father.

The problem is that it's a very real possibility.

I think most people would agree that the risk is not worth it for her sake.

These types of decisions should be made with no one in mind but the child.

 

[kamik86]

I believe when he signed away his rights he had NO idea they would push him out and completely exclude him.

If they weren't going to exclude him why ask him to sign away rights? What other reason is there to have someone sign away rights then to exclude him?

 

[buffettgirl]

That was taken very literally. I think all adopted kids should know they're adopted. That's just me though.

This isn't about you. I thought that's what you said.

He waited 2 years until he was 18. This child was kept a secret from his family until he was 18. Its the most messed up thing I can imagine.

So he had two years to think this over and never told his family or did anything about gaining custody?
He's feeding you a line of bs. Sounds to me like he knocked up a girl and then walked away and now wants to change history.

You keep adding details and one thing is clear, you want people to tell you that you guys are doing a great thing but after 6 pages, and new details, no one is telling you that. Walk away.

 

[Hrhpd]

I should add that the reason I feel so strongly about this is that I have a relative in the position of your husband. He got a girl pregnant in high school. He gave up his rights, maternal family raised her. His mother sent gifts, they were all returned, they did not want the relative or anyone in his family to have anything to do with the child.

The thing is, as much as it hurt him, he stuck to his agreement. He strongly and correctly believed it was not his place to interrupt her life.

When the girl was an adult, she did contact him, but no relationship ever ensued. She has paternal half siblings but, per her choice, she wants nothing to do with her biological paternal family. It hurts my relatives, but no matter how much it hurts, they always put the girl first.

Your husband made a decision. He needs to stick to it.

 

[BigAlsGal]

If they weren't going to exclude him why ask him to sign away rights? What other reason is there to have someone sign away rights then to exclude him?

Honestly I wasn't at the table when all this was being discussed. My guess is my DH was scared, alone, and being manipulated by the other side.

 

[Allison]

I believe when he signed away his rights he had NO idea they would push him out and completely exclude him.

Have you not discussed this point with him?

 

[BigAlsGal]

This isn't about you. I thought that's what you said.


So he had two years to think this over and never told his family or did anything about gaining custody?
He's feeding you a line of bs. Sounds to me like he knocked up a girl and then walked away and now wants to change history.

You keep adding details and one thing is clear, you want people to tell you that you guys are doing a great thing but after 6 pages, and new details, no one is telling you that. Walk away.

Got it. Thanks

 

[StlJoe]

Not that another opinion is needed in this thread, but wanted to throw a couple of things out there as someone who is adopted and never knew their biological parents.

1) I knew I was adopted from a very early age. Not that I understood what that meant for many years but I've always known it. If this girl doesn't realize she is adopted then finding out would be very traumatic. The people I lived with were my parents and the only ones I knew.

2) I have gone through many phases of wanting to know and not caring. The birth of my first daughter really got me thinking that I need to know but I have never pursued it past internet searches which brings me to my last point...

3) If she does know she is adopted there are adoption registries that basically ask permission of the adopted child if they want their biological parents to reach out to them. By signing up you agree that yes, you do want to know and you do want them to contact you. That would be the best thing that could happen in this scenario, in my humble opinion. Register as the biological father of this child on national adoption registries and hope she does the same.

Just my opinions, not trying to stir the pot but to give the opinions of someone who was adopted themselves.

 

[focusondisney]

First time ever, I am replying to a thread without reading all the posts. I have lived this with my DH. His mom died when he was a child. DH was 42 when his father died. Right after his father died, a family member told DH he had been adopted! He had no idea. But adoption papers proved it to be true. DH was born in another state but adopted here.

He found this out almost 20 years ago & has never had a desire to try & find biological family. He considers his parents as his real parents. We did discuss it very briefly when he first found out, but it was never a serious thought. But I can tell you, it was a real gut punch when we found out. My DH was a secure, stable adult who was able to handle it. This type of revelation could really throw anyone for a loop.

Even after living they this with DH, I can't say if it is better to find out earlier or later in life. But I can say, he would have been absolutely fine with never having been told this information. If he had a choice, he would have chosen not to know. Tread very carefully.

 

[MataHari22]

Your biological parents? Even if it meant your whole life was built on a lie? We're dealing with something like that. Want to reach out to a biological child after many years but fear it could ruin their lives. Would you do it? Have you done it?

Oh. For info sale this "child" is 20.

No, from what you have posted. I would wait to see if the child contacted me. I would not go looking for the child.

 

[mummabear]

If they weren't going to exclude him why ask him to sign away rights? What other reason is there to have someone sign away rights then to exclude him?

My brother knocked up a girl when he was 18 and just had enlisted in the army, the broke up while she was pregnant and she ended up in jail.
Her mother who lived near he army base said she was willing to look after he boy while the mom was in prison and my brother was meant to have access and visitation as they believed being enlisted and single would stop him getting custody.
She started blocking him seeing his son etc, when the boy was 18 months he left the army so he would be able to get custody but it took the most let of 4 years for him to get his son.

Sometimes what adults are telling teen parents will happen is not in the best I trest of those teens, I don't doubt that the OPs husband was not a concern at all for he mothers parents they will have only cared about their daughter, grandchild and themselves.

 

[mummabear]

OP a lot of people are stating that your DH has to live with the decisions that he made, and that may well be true.
The flip side of that is that the adoptive parents(grandparents) also have to, no one has forced them to lie to this child and say that they are the bio parents, they chose to do that, for what reason I can only assume was embarrassment of hiding a teenage pregnancy.

 

[BigAlsGal]

First time ever, I am replying to a thread without reading all the posts. I have lived this with my DH. His mom died when he was a child. DH was 42 when his father died. Right after his father died, a family member told DH he had been adopted! He had no idea. But adoption papers proved it to be true. DH was born in another state but adopted here.

He found this out almost 20 years ago & has never had a desire to try & find biological family. He considers his parents as his real parents. We did discuss it very briefly when he first found out, but it was never a serious thought. But I can tell you, it was a real gut punch when we found out. My DH was a secure, stable adult who was able to handle it. This type of revelation could really throw anyone for a loop.

Even after living they this with DH, I can't say if it is better to find out earlier or later in life. But I can say, he would have been absolutely fine with never having been told this information. If he had a choice, he would have chosen not to know. Tread very carefully.

Thank you!

 

[Allison]

OP a lot of people are stating that your DH has to live with the decisions that he made, and that may well be true.
The flip side of that is that the adoptive parents(grandparents) also have to, no one has forced them to lie to this child and say that they are the bio parents, they chose to do that, for what reason I can only assume was embarrassment of hiding a teenage pregnancy.

Has it been stated that this is definitely the case?

 

[BigAlsGal]

Has it been stated that this is definitely the case?

No this is just speculation. She very well could know the scenario.

 

[Allison]

No this is just speculation. She very well could know the scenario.

Thank you for responding.

 

[pfalcioni]

He waited 2 years until he was 18. This child was kept a secret from his family until he was 18. Its the most messed up thing I can imagine.

This makes no sense.

 

[NCDisneyMom]

OP a lot of people are stating that your DH has to live with the decisions that he made, and that may well be true.
The flip side of that is that the adoptive parents(grandparents) also have to, no one has forced them to lie to this child and say that they are the bio parents, they chose to do that, for what reason I can only assume was embarrassment of hiding a teenage pregnancy.

Do we know, for a fact, that the adoptive parents (grandparents) have lied to her? Do we know for a fact that she does not know she was adopted? There is the very real possibility that she DOES know she is adopted. She could very well know the entire story. Everybody seems to be assuming that she doesn't know. And if she really does know, there is the very real possibility that she does NOT want to know who her bio father is.

OP...I think the best suggestion here is for him to put his name on a registry. Then, if his daughter does want to find him, she will be able to.

 

[BigAlsGal]

Do we know, for a fact, that the adoptive parents (grandparents) have lied to her? Do we know for a fact that she does not know she was adopted? There is the very real possibility that she DOES know she is adopted. She could very well know the entire story. Everybody seems to be assuming that she doesn't know. And if she really does know, there is the very real possibility that she does NOT want to know who her bio father is.

OP...I think the best suggestion here is for him to put his name on a registry. Then, if his daughter does want to find him, she will be able to.

Thanks. I believe he has decided to reach out to her adopted father (grandfather) first.