Both of my kids are adopted. They are still very little, but they both know that they are adopted and know a little bit about their birth families. Clearly, at 4 and 7, they don't fully understand what it means, but we talk a lot and answer questions and add depth and layers as they grow. If, when my kids are older, they want to search for their birth parents, I will be 100% supportive. I can't imagine how overwhelmingly joyful I would be to get to hug and thank their birth parents. So I'm not at all opposed to birth parents becoming involved in and getting to know their birth kids.
BUT... big but...
The time, place, and method matter. A lot. And all decisions about it have to be made with the best interest of the child - not the birth parents and certainly not the adoptive parents - in mind.
I just can't see how reaching out to the girl at this point in her life will offer her anything good at all.
If she already knows, then she should be given the leway and power to decide when and if she wants to reach out.
If she doesn't know, age 20, when you are just starting your own life and beginning to really develop your own inner sense of self, is a HORRID age to intrude and upset her life like this. She's too old to be easily comforted and cared for by her parents, but too young to have the life coping skills and self-awareness to really process by herself. Our agency very specifically advises against having kids search in their late teens and early 20s. They say either keep an open relationship so they meet birth parents as younger kids or wait until they are in their 30s and more able to handle it.
I would honestly be shocked if the girl doesn't know she's adopted. It's been standard advice in the adoption community for at least a full generation now to just always talk about adoption with kids, from even before they can understand. Plus, from the little we know about how it all went down 20 years ago, it just seems unlikely that they would have been able to hide it completely from all other relatives and friends. And "secret" adoptions are typically only possible if it's the old fashioned "send the girl away to camp for 9 months" situation or a non-relative adoption. If the girl was pregnant and remained with her family, then every aunt, uncle, and cousin knows the story already. So I can't imagine the parents risking little cousin Johnny accidentally saying something over the Thanksgiving turkey.
I get that the birth father probably desperately wants to know that his daughter is OK. And that's admirable and understandable. But he needs to act like a father and put the girl's needs way ahead of his own. Register for the adoption search registries, and then let it be, at least for several more years.
BUT... big but...
The time, place, and method matter. A lot. And all decisions about it have to be made with the best interest of the child - not the birth parents and certainly not the adoptive parents - in mind.
I just can't see how reaching out to the girl at this point in her life will offer her anything good at all.
If she already knows, then she should be given the leway and power to decide when and if she wants to reach out.
If she doesn't know, age 20, when you are just starting your own life and beginning to really develop your own inner sense of self, is a HORRID age to intrude and upset her life like this. She's too old to be easily comforted and cared for by her parents, but too young to have the life coping skills and self-awareness to really process by herself. Our agency very specifically advises against having kids search in their late teens and early 20s. They say either keep an open relationship so they meet birth parents as younger kids or wait until they are in their 30s and more able to handle it.
I would honestly be shocked if the girl doesn't know she's adopted. It's been standard advice in the adoption community for at least a full generation now to just always talk about adoption with kids, from even before they can understand. Plus, from the little we know about how it all went down 20 years ago, it just seems unlikely that they would have been able to hide it completely from all other relatives and friends. And "secret" adoptions are typically only possible if it's the old fashioned "send the girl away to camp for 9 months" situation or a non-relative adoption. If the girl was pregnant and remained with her family, then every aunt, uncle, and cousin knows the story already. So I can't imagine the parents risking little cousin Johnny accidentally saying something over the Thanksgiving turkey.
I get that the birth father probably desperately wants to know that his daughter is OK. And that's admirable and understandable. But he needs to act like a father and put the girl's needs way ahead of his own. Register for the adoption search registries, and then let it be, at least for several more years.