Would you want to know?

[DopeyDame]

Both of my kids are adopted. They are still very little, but they both know that they are adopted and know a little bit about their birth families. Clearly, at 4 and 7, they don't fully understand what it means, but we talk a lot and answer questions and add depth and layers as they grow. If, when my kids are older, they want to search for their birth parents, I will be 100% supportive. I can't imagine how overwhelmingly joyful I would be to get to hug and thank their birth parents. So I'm not at all opposed to birth parents becoming involved in and getting to know their birth kids.

BUT... big but...
The time, place, and method matter. A lot. And all decisions about it have to be made with the best interest of the child - not the birth parents and certainly not the adoptive parents - in mind.
I just can't see how reaching out to the girl at this point in her life will offer her anything good at all.
If she already knows, then she should be given the leway and power to decide when and if she wants to reach out.
If she doesn't know, age 20, when you are just starting your own life and beginning to really develop your own inner sense of self, is a HORRID age to intrude and upset her life like this. She's too old to be easily comforted and cared for by her parents, but too young to have the life coping skills and self-awareness to really process by herself. Our agency very specifically advises against having kids search in their late teens and early 20s. They say either keep an open relationship so they meet birth parents as younger kids or wait until they are in their 30s and more able to handle it.

I would honestly be shocked if the girl doesn't know she's adopted. It's been standard advice in the adoption community for at least a full generation now to just always talk about adoption with kids, from even before they can understand. Plus, from the little we know about how it all went down 20 years ago, it just seems unlikely that they would have been able to hide it completely from all other relatives and friends. And "secret" adoptions are typically only possible if it's the old fashioned "send the girl away to camp for 9 months" situation or a non-relative adoption. If the girl was pregnant and remained with her family, then every aunt, uncle, and cousin knows the story already. So I can't imagine the parents risking little cousin Johnny accidentally saying something over the Thanksgiving turkey.

I get that the birth father probably desperately wants to know that his daughter is OK. And that's admirable and understandable. But he needs to act like a father and put the girl's needs way ahead of his own. Register for the adoption search registries, and then let it be, at least for several more years.

 

[kamik86]

But most of them were raised by one parent and not the other, not fully adopted and have no knowledge of who either parent is. That is different and often involves one parent bad mouthing the other.

Technically though in this case this girl was partially raised by or at least with one of her parents. She just thinks she is her sister.

 

[wvjules]

OP and her DH are selfish. It's not about them. It's about her. He should register with those adoption sites and if she wants to know then she can seek him out. Him contacting her is nothing but a selfish act on his/their behalf.

 

[phorsenuf]

pretty good summary, but I would prefer it just a bit more scupperized...

Good grief, please no!

 

[HarleenQ]

But most of them were raised by one parent and not the other, not fully adopted and have no knowledge of who either parent is. That is different and often involves one parent bad mouthing the other.

That's not what I've been reading here at all.

 

[DawnM]

Technically though in this case this girl was partially raised by or at least with one of her parents. She just thinks she is her sister.

Not sure we know that.

OP, has your DH contacted the bio mother? I haven't read all of this thread so I don't know the answer to that.

 

[SirDuff]

Technically though in this case this girl was partially raised by or at least with one of her parents. She just thinks she is her sister.

As far as I know, we don't know that that is the case. We (and the OP/her husband) have no idea what girl knows/thinks.

 

[HarleenQ]

Technically though in this case this girl was partially raised by or at least with one of her parents. She just thinks she is her sister.

Speculation. We don't know what she knows.

 

[HarleenQ]

OP has never answered, but what happens if the adoptive parents aren't receptive to her husband or choose not to respond again? What's next? I definitely get the vibe from the OP it's "contact at any cost" at this point.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I have some personal knowledge about this sort of situation.

I was raised by my birth mother, adopted by my 'dad' at age 6. I knew he wasn't my bio dad, and had only brief memories of my bio dad, but it was a difficult subject for my mom so I didn't ask a lot of questions. Bio dad had relinquished his rights at the request of my parents when I was 6. After my parents divorced when I was a teen, I wanted to learn about bio dad, so I asked. My mom arranged a meeting with him and his family. It went ok, but all of the feelings of 'not belongingness' that I'd felt my whole like remained. My sister, however, fit right in. Like they were all peas in a pod. It bothered me.

Fast forward to my 18th birthday, I was having dinner with my mom and made some mention about all the skeletons being out of the closet. She paled. And then I learned that bio dad was, in fact, not. He WAS my younger sister's bio dad, but not mine. That 'bio dad' had ALSO adopted me, shortly after birth so legally yes, he was my dad too.

My mom was assaulted, and that assault resulted in my conception. It was 1970, so this wasn't something people talked about. She intended to raise me on her own, and then met and married my first adoptive father.

This caused a lot of turmoil in my life for a while. But ultimately, peace. No more secrets. I know who I am now, fully. I no longer have that deep down feeling. I'll never know the person who assaulted my mother, nor do I want to, but the knowledge that I have the full story now is enough.

I did ask my mom WHY she didn't tell me. And she said they DID consult several child therapists over the years, who said when I was ready I'd ask. And I occasionally DID ask question, but just not the right ones. She said she didn't know how to tell her child something so awful. She suffered her own PTSD from the assault, so this wasn't something as easy as explaining a one night stand or something.

Acceptance, love, forgiveness, openness. All important things for a healthy human being.

I don't judge your dh for the decisions he made as a teenager. I can totally see how he could be coerced into thinking his decision was the right one. And I can totally see how he'd want to make contact now, that he'd want to know his child at least knew the truth.

I'd want to know. I'm glad I know about my own parentage. I think that ultimately it's healthier. But I understand I'm not all people. It's a difficult situation. And whatever your dh decides, I'll pray for him that it's the right decision for all of them.

Good luck.

 

[gmboy95]

Your biological parents? Even if it meant your whole life was built on a lie? We're dealing with something like that. Want to reach out to a biological child after many years but fear it could ruin their lives. Would you do it? Have you done it?

Oh. For info sale this "child" is 20.

If your the parents and they are the child....it is absolutely not your place to do the reaching out. It very well could lead to a life event that is unwanted and unwarranted for the child, regardless of how old they are....I have zero idea of the circumstances of this issue, but if the case is an adoption of a child you couldn't care for (a certainly noble reason to seek adoption)....then that is part of the deal

 

[gmboy95]

That's part of the problem. I don't think she knows the truth. She might not know she needs to look.

The bravest thing you could ever do for your child is to let them live their lives, even if that means never knowing whatever the truth may be

 

[gmboy95]

No more like kids have a baby in high school. Grandparents pressure guy to sign over rights at a very young age. They take the child and raise it as their own and cut all forms of communication with father.

on the other side of this....how about we not pass judgement on anyone in this situation. At the end of this, it is about the child.....and unfortunately if parental rights were signed away and this child was raised by different parents that he or she feels like are their bio parents, then it really is unnecessary to upset that, as painful as that may be

 

[gmboy95]

everybody says its a bad idea. you keep coming on here to try to get us to say yes, but adding in what you feel are tidbits that will help us to come around. news flash: it isn't working. you came on here to find out what we think. we all pretty much think it would suck and is a bad idea. hope this helps to sum it up for you.

yeah....I dont think this was necessary

 

[Madhatter family]

But most of them were raised by one parent and not the other, not fully adopted and have no knowledge of who either parent is. That is different and often involves one parent bad mouthing the other.

To answer your question - yes I was raised by my biological mother and her husband (both of whom had to technically adopt me). However, my mother NEVER EVER bad mouthed my biological father (and I had known since age 6 that I was adopted). It had no bearing to the situation that I didn't want or need to know my biological father. I knew who I was regardless of DNA (and I only found out my ancestry DNA recently).

I think everyone here is responding with their opinions based on their own situations. I, personally, think it is a bad idea for the biological parents to ever seek the adoptee. It should always be on the adoptee. Simply because (in my opinion) the only reason for the bio parent to do it is to appease something in themselves (guilt, a need to know they child is ok, pride whatever). The adoptee would be doing it for medical or identity reasons.

Again just my two cents based on the question presented by the OP. Not debating anyone else's desire to know.

 

[Nancyg56]

The bravest thing you could ever do for your child is to let them live their lives, even if that means never knowing whatever the truth may be

I agree. My situation is a little different in regards to parenting. My first husband died due to an alcohol addiction. It was not pretty. My children were 4, 2, and 9 months. I met the man who parented my children, and who they regard as their father shortly after that and eventually we married. He is their father. We never felt the need for an adoption process, and my sons proudly wear their Grandfather's name. My oldest barely remembers his birth father, and I think most of hos memories are from stories we have told, we maintained a close relationship with my inlaws.

Anyway, we now have a granddaughter, and my IL's kept wanting DD to tell her about her Grandfather. She knows her Grandfather. She calls him Pa, she adores him, and at 14, she still thinks he can do anything. He is the man who dropped everything each time she was sick, who took her with him on "errands" every weekend, and who she thought took her on "dates". DD refused to discuss her birth father with Kady, she felt that would confuse her when she was little, and still sees no reason to discuss him now. Kady understands that Buddy was not her mother's birth father, but has no interest in any information about him. If she asked, my DD would expand. My IL's have never approved, but my DD knew best what to do with her DD, and as her mother, I respected that.

I understand that this is different than an adoptive child meeting a bio parent, but I thin what I am trying to say is that we need to give children more credit for understanding what is in their lives. This young woman is 20, and was adopted in a manner that I cannot understand would remain a total secret. People talk about the past, kids ask questions. If this young woman really wanted to meet her biological parent she would be able to start this process, because she may not acknowledge she knows, but I bet she does. If my 14 YO DGD could understand that her PA is not a biological parent, but is a father and grandfather, and decide she had no questions, a 20 YO woman can do that as well.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

Wow- just because someone is searching for their biological family doesn't mean that they don't love their parents and family. My mom was supportive of my search for my birth mom- she even invited my birth mom to my baby shower and they exchange Christmas cards and kindle books! Just because I found my birth mother and some bio siblings doesn't mean anything has changed with the family that I grew up with!

I am not sure why you believe I think adoptive children searching for their birth parents do not love their adoptive families. I am sure most do and I am glad you fall in that category. I think adopting is a wonderful thing and know many people who have adopted and been adopted. The difference is you know you are adopted and have not grown up thinking otherwise. I answered the original question. If I had no idea at this point in time I was adopted I would not want to know now.

 

[smadath]

Listen. I get it. You guys don't have to beat the horse. If I really wanted to be selfish I would tell my husband to quit bringing her up every time someone asks about how many kids we have or I would just worry about my own brood. The fact is that even though I've never met this beautiful girl I would love and accept her. I would be there for her if she needed me. But we can't know her. That's hard. A lie is lack of truth and if she thinks grandma is mom that's not the truth. It's just hard.

Out of curiosity (and I haven't read the whole thread, this may have been asked) how do you know she doesn't know she's adopted? Maybe she does, and has no interest in meeting her biological parents. Maybe her adoptive parents deleted the FB account because they know this, and don't want any contact.

A close childhood friend of mine was adopted. She already knew when I met her in 4th grade. She had access to her biological parents info when we were high school, if she wanted it. She didn't. She loved her adoptive parents and didn't want to hurt them by seeking her 'real' parents.

Had they actually shown up one day, I don't think she would have even met with them. She had a loving family, wad happy, and had no desire to change things.

 

[DawnM]

To answer your question - yes I was raised by my biological mother and her husband (both of whom had to technically adopt me). However, my mother NEVER EVER bad mouthed my biological father (and I had known since age 6 that I was adopted). It had no bearing to the situation that I didn't want or need to know my biological father. I knew who I was regardless of DNA (and I only found out my ancestry DNA recently).

I think everyone here is responding with their opinions based on their own situations. I, personally, think it is a bad idea for the biological parents to ever seek the adoptee. It should always be on the adoptee. Simply because (in my opinion) the only reason for the bio parent to do it is to appease something in themselves (guilt, a need to know they child is ok, pride whatever). The adoptee would be doing it for medical or identity reasons.

Again just my two cents based on the question presented by the OP. Not debating anyone else's desire to know.

Unfortunately, many adoption records are so sealed that this isn't possible. I can't post more because there are things I am not willing to share publicly right now.

Question: Why did your mother have to adopt you if you were biologically hers?

 

[sunshinehighway]

OP and her DH are selfish. It's not about them. It's about her. He should register with those adoption sites and if she wants to know then she can seek him out. Him contacting her is nothing but a selfish act on his/their behalf.

Yes, completely selfish. It seems a bit of a pattern though. I mean she's painting these people as duping a teenager into giving up his child. It sounds like he had twoish years to decide what he wanted to do and didn't ask his family for help or advice because it was easier not to.
Coming back into her life now that the hard part of raising her is over, yeah good timing on that. It'll throw her into turmoil but who cares as long as it makes the op and her husband happy.