Would you tell your spouse?

[boomhauer]

It would bother you, yet it's not allowed to bother your wife?

At any rate, bottom line, if you lie to your wife about this, what's next? And caught lying once about something (not just a little white lie like taking your stepson for and ice cream cone an hour before dinner and telling her you only returned the library books ) will cause her to wonder what else you are lying about.

Anne

Again, I didn't say she wasn't allowed to be bothered by it. Where are you getting this from?

I have no intentions of lying to my wife. I should have posted the question differently.

You're making me out to be someone I'm not. It's not like I'm creating this whole elaborate scam to cheat on my wife. I just didn't know how I should handle this situation without upsetting her. I was asking if it was unacceptable to go to the movies with a friend of the opposite sex. Apparently, most people feel it is.

 

[pogo791]

Boomhauer, I can relate on this one. I've been (very happily) married for quite a while now, and both I and my wife have several close friends of either sex. Getting married is no reason to cut ties with good friends. Moreover, I do a lot of travelling, and one of my female colleagues has been seen with me so often over the years that at meetings out of town, we are assumed to be husband and wife. The two of us, and our respective spouses, get a kick out of this everytime it happens. (And both of us have been known to milk the occasion for everything it's worth.)

Similarly, my wife works in a male-dominated field, and often travels with her (male) colleagues. No hassle.

You say that you want to avoid hurting your wife's feelings by not telling her about seeing your good friend. As a short-term policy, my own feeling is that white lies are OK - as long as you and your friend are both clear about the status quo and aren't testing the waters for some extra-marital activity. From what you say, I understand that this is indeed the case.

The problem is that you are regularly seeing your friend every couple of months, and that this apparently will continue. As other posters have said, when (not if) your wife finds out about this, the fact that you have kept these meetings from her will hurt her even more than had you told her each time where you are going and with whom.

I agree with ducklite - take the open approach. Tell your wife that you would like a double date with your female friend and her boy friend, or get involved in group activities. Above all, make it clear to your wife that she is welcome to come along. You said that she isn't interested - but at least give her the option of saying so.

 

[florida-again]

Sorry but I wouldn't like it either. I know many here disagree. If DH is going to the movies and out to eat with another woman, I'd better be invite to chaperone.

Totally agree with you. If BF wanted to go out with another woman to dinner or the movies I would be very very reluctant to agree!

....and by reluctant I mean kicking, screaming, stamping my feets!

 

[boomhauer]

The problem is that you are regularly seeing your friend every couple of months, and that this apparently will continue. As other posters have said, when (not if) your wife finds out about this, the fact that you have kept these meetings from her will hurt her even more than had you told her each time where you are going and with whom.

No no no - My wife knows. I've always told her. I just realized that the last couple of times it bothered her. So, I thought maybe I should just go and not even bring it up. I don't tell her all the time when I go out with my guy friends. She works 2 nights a week, so I go out with them those nights.

However, my concience is getting the better of me and I feel bad about going and not telling her, regardless if there is nothing wrong with it.

 

[wdwmom2]

I will not judge you. I am assuming that your nights out are truly as they say they are, totally innocent. But my problem is that you are not telling her the truth, about what you are doing, and the biggest, who you are with. This breaks one of the biggest things in a marriage, TRUST. If you are not honest with her, how can she trust you? Once you break that trust and she finds out, how can you ever expect her to trust you again? It's truly not worth ruining a marriage over, at least that is my opinion.

 

[boomhauer]

I guess I should just shut my mouth, as what I have posted hasn't come across correctly at all.

I have told my wife each and every time I've gone out with this person. I was just thinking, knowing that it bothers my wife, to not even bother bringing it up anymore.

 

[C.Ann]

Sorry, but I was reading fast and I thought the title of this thread was "Would you sell your spouse?"

As to the problem at hand, I would say have your wife come along or invite this friend to your home when your wife is there as well.. Otherwise - I think you're asking for big trouble..

 

[Chicago526]

Boomhauer, don't worry, not all of us think your a cheating cad! I understood your question, you're just trying to figure out how to see your friend without upseting your wife. Sometimes things get lost in translation on an internet board. I once asked for advice on a minor problem DH and I were having prior to getting married, and I was told that I needed to leave him and not get married at all! All over a small misunderstanding that we hadn't even had a fight over! So don't take the "you must be planning on having an affair" posters too seriously!

 

[Marseeya]

I think once you get married or in a very committed relationship, you just have to realize that the nature of your friendships will change in the future. I don't think they can help but change!

 

[mickeyfan2]

I would tell my spouse.

 

[ducklite]

I was asking if it was unacceptable to go to the movies with a friend of the opposite sex. Apparently, most people feel it is.

I don't think it's unacceptable, but it seems like you are going on a night your wife can't in order to purposely exclude her.

Bottom line, involve her. Go out with this other couple to dinner to a restaurant she likes. Let her become more comfortable with them. Then maybe she'll look at it differently.

Anne

 

[wdwmom2]

I guess I should just shut my mouth, as what I have posted hasn't come across correctly at all.

I have told my wife each and every time I've gone out with this person. I was just thinking, knowing that it bothers my wife, to not even bother bringing it up anymore.

OK, about the not bringing it up anymore, how about when she asks you what you did, how will you handle that? She deserves the truth, but the truth will hurt her. I guess the question is, who is more important, your wife or your female friend? I'm sorry, but that is a no-brainer!!!! And it doesn't mean ending your friendship with your friend, it just means no more outings with her by yourselves. I have several of close male friends, but I don't make it a point of going out socially with any of them, on a one on one basis.

 

[pogo791]

The messages on this thread are coming in so fast, that I miss some of the give-and-take while typing in a response. (It just shows that you struck a nerve with this original post.)

So you've told your wife each and every time that you are going out with your friend - that's OK, and the way it should be. And I think that the unanimous answer of the posters to your question - should you try to avoid hurting your wife's feelings in the future by not telling her about your meetings with your friend - is a fairly unanimous "no." Basically, everyone who's chimed in has said that that is a recipe for disaster, since it would destroy the trust on which marriage is based.

Not that you should live your life on the basis of an ad hoc poll on the Internet, even from such a reliable source (ahem!) as the DISboards. But You Have Been Warned ...

(and enjoy those meetings, but keep your wife informed!)

 

[smilie]

For reasons of clarification-- You want to do it on this night because you have a person to watch your stepson. Is that correct, it's not just to exclude her. I think the exclusion is what a lot of posters have a problem with.

 

[boomhauer]

For reasons of clarification-- You want to do it on this night because you have a person to watch your stepson. Is that correct, it's not just to exclude her. I think the exclusion is what a lot of posters have a problem with.

Exactly correct. When my wife works during the week, I watch my step-son. When she's home, I wouldn't go out with my friends. We all stay home or go out together.

I NEVER exclude my wife. I always ask her if she wants to come, even when it's just the guys from the office. Just not her cup of tea. I don't mind. I wouldn't wanna go out with her friends from work either.

 

[VSL]

I know I'm probably reading way too much into this, but...

Looking at this thread, and the one you had over on Adults/Solo Travellers about carrying on with your (twice yearly) solo visits to WDW that your wife isn't happy with, I'd say that you're having trouble getting into the whole marriage thing I think you want to be married but still lead the life of a single person.

(and no, I do not think you are cheating on your wife)

That's just how it comes across.

 

[horseshowmom]

Sadly, no. It's such a double standard. Not because I don't trust her, but because I don't trust guys.

That's what my DD's BF tells her! (And her father nods his head in agreement!) We're going to have to be more careful about you men!

 

[Jillpie]

Oh please people, here we go again. Its been awhile, but its baaaack. A post that is concocted to get a 4 page thread going. Are you all seriously believing that a man would possibly go out to a movie and dinner with another woman while married??

Cmon now. Don't feed into it. He's lovin every word.

 

[boomhauer]

Oh please people, here we go again. Its been awhile, but its baaaack. A post that is concocted to get a 4 page thread going. Are you all seriously believing that a man would possibly go out to a movie and dinner with another woman while married??

Cmon now. Don't feed into it. He's lovin every word.

Um, yeah - That's what I'm doing.

Why in the world would I do that?

 

[boomhauer]

I know I'm probably reading way too much into this, but...

Looking at this thread, and the one you had over on Adults/Solo Travellers about carrying on with your (twice yearly) solo visits to WDW that your wife isn't happy with, I'd say that you're having trouble getting into the whole marriage thing I think you want to be married but still lead the life of a single person.

(and no, I do not think you are cheating on your wife)

That's just how it comes across.

Yeah - I can't deny that.

But the thing is, I would LOVE my wife to do these things with me. It's just a question of her either not wanting to, or not being able to (vacation time.) I need to grow up. I won't deny that.