Would you have said anything to the creepy guy?

[Ceila]

I think your last paragraph is to the extreme. Somehow a man singing I wish they all could be little girls and thinking he is probably some kind of creep, isn't the same as hanging a black man or thinking everyone is a communist.

While I don't think equating the OP's experience with racism is a good analogy, I DO agree that the communism one is spot on. People were accused of being communists simply for making a statement or other minor things. Just as some guy who talks to a kid and sings made-up lyrics is automatically assumed to be a child molester on this thread. Maybe he has teenage daughters and misses the days when his were little. Maybe he is developmentally delayed. And, yeah, maybe he's a perv. But to automatically discount that there COULD be another possibility, as many on this thread have done, is wrong.

I'm not saying don't trust your instincts. I do think people should remove themselves and their children from situations that make them uncomfortable. And I have done that myself at various times. But I agree with Carly that I'm not necessarily going to trust everyone else's instinct without at least considering that there may be other explanations.

 

[Mermaid02]

While I don't think equating the OP's experience with racism is a good analogy, I DO agree that the communism one is spot on. People were accused of being communists simply for making a statement or other minor things. Just as some guy who talks to a kid and sings made-up lyrics is automatically assumed to be a child molester on this thread. Maybe he has teenage daughters and misses the days when his were little. Maybe he is developmentally delayed. And, yeah, maybe he's a perv. But to automatically discount that there COULD be another possibility, as many on this thread have done, is wrong.

I'm not saying don't trust your instincts. I do think people should remove themselves and their children from situations that make them uncomfortable. And I have done that myself at various times. But I agree with Carly that I'm not necessarily going to trust everyone else's instinct without at least considering that there may be other explanations.

I wouldn't necessarily trust someone else's instincts- but I do trust my own. I might have just given the guy "the look" (passed down to me from my Mother) and left. I might have NOT gotten a creepy vibe from him- but the OP did and acted appropriately.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I know one person that is a high functioning autistic, this is NOT something he would do. I know autism exists, but I won't give everything a pass just because it does. Sorry.

I am a highly functioning autistic, and I do sing or talk to myself at times when I'm in a public place. From page 1:

You handled it just fine and appropriately. I would either have ignored it or rolled my eyes at the cashier if she was thinking the same thing I was.

As my sister says, it takes all kinds to fill the freeway. He could have been perfectly harmless, off in his own little world and happened to see little girls and wove that image into whatever song was playing on the musac at the time. I know I've done that myself sometimes. Think of the song, "Lime in the Coconut" sung with lyrics of "Take the butter and the cookie dough and eat them all up!" and I'm sure I've got people standing around me wondering about my sanity.
Calling the cops because you don't like what someone's saying or singing is a bit extreme, though. You made your irritation known and he apologized. End of event. No need to overthink or dwell on it.

I typically can control these kinds of impulses (or tics, if you will), but I have to be constantly aware of myself and on guard in order to stop them.

This is timely because the past few weeks have been stressful for me because of issues going on in my work life. DH mentioned to me last Thursday that I was "doing funny things" more often such as blurting out nonsensical words for no reason. His personal favorite was when we were getting into the car earlier that week and I opened the door, looked at the hood of the car and said, "Meesheewa eesheee" and then got in the car just as if nothing had happened and we both went to work. I don't remember doing that, but I have no reason to doubt my DH. It sounds like something I'd do.

He thought maybe I wanted the car washed so he got the car washed.

I've learned to live with it, as has my DH. I sometimes pace the kitchen or hallways for no reason. I'm not cooking or doing housework, I'm just pacing. If/when it bothers him, he comes and gets me and we go do something together like shopping, a movie or playing cards. I also stack and re-stack the linens, the paper products or "face" the canned goods. Repetitious action soothes me.

But DH finally said something when he came into the kitchen last Thursday and caught me rocking. I was sitting on the stool waiting for the water to come to a boil for the spaghetti and had my arms crossed over my chest, staring off into space and just rocking. It was a totally unconcious way of self-soothing. I felt fine, was probably dealing with the work stress in my own way, but I probably looked demented to anyone walking in that didn't know me. I think he finally had to speak up because he was becoming a little concerned.

Since then I've redoubled my efforts to appear "normal" and have been working on stress-reducing techniques to deal with the work issues. In addition to that, I increased my efforts to monitor my behavior, try to restrain myself from blurting out nonsense words (a tic that I've had difficulty overcoming since childhood), and employ distraction techniques such as focusing on favorite candle scents and background music.

This is what I do. I can't say that all autistics do this but this is what works for me. Because I know what I do, it's easy for me to observe someone else behaving in a manner that may seem unsocial or inappropriate to the general population and give that person the benefit of the doubt.

The fact that the man singing the "inapproprate" lyrics turned away from the father and his daughters and started singing to himself leads me to believe that he'd dismissed them from his immediate attention and had gone back to whatever was going on in his head. When the man with the daughters behind him made a remark about his singing ("Dude!"), he likely assumed that he was encroaching on that man's personal space with his singing and apologized.

I could be wrong. I wasn't there. But I can easily see how this could have been me in this same situation and how someone could think I was unbalanced or predatory based on a 30-second observance. Fortunately, I'm a woman and don't really have to deal with the stereotypical issues that are foisted onto men. In fact, if I dyed my hair blonde I could probably get away with all my autistic tics in public and never have to worry about what other people assumed of me.

 

[mhsjax]

I am a highly functioning autistic, and I do sing or talk to myself at times when I'm in a public place. From page 1:


I typically can control these kinds of impulses (or tics, if you will), but I have to be constantly aware of myself and on guard in order to stop them.

This is timely because the past few weeks have been stressful for me because of issues going on in my work life. DH mentioned to me last Thursday that I was "doing funny things" more often such as blurting out nonsensical words for no reason. His personal favorite was when we were getting into the car earlier that week and I opened the door, looked at the hood of the car and said, "Meesheewa eesheee" and then got in the car just as if nothing had happened and we both went to work. I don't remember doing that, but I have no reason to doubt my DH. It sounds like something I'd do.

He thought maybe I wanted the car washed so he got the car washed.

I've learned to live with it, as has my DH. I sometimes pace the kitchen or hallways for no reason. I'm not cooking or doing housework, I'm just pacing. If/when it bothers him, he comes and gets me and we go do something together like shopping, a movie or playing cards. I also stack and re-stack the linens, the paper products or "face" the canned goods. Repetitious action soothes me.

But DH finally said something when he came into the kitchen last Thursday and caught me rocking. I was sitting on the stool waiting for the water to come to a boil for the spaghetti and had my arms crossed over my chest, staring off into space and just rocking. It was a totally unconcious way of self-soothing. I felt fine, was probably dealing with the work stress in my own way, but I probably looked demented to anyone walking in that didn't know me. I think he finally had to speak up because he was becoming a little concerned.

Since then I've redoubled my efforts to appear "normal" and have been working on stress-reducing techniques to deal with the work issues. In addition to that, I increased my efforts to monitor my behavior, try to restrain myself from blurting out nonsense words (a tic that I've had difficulty overcoming since childhood), and employ distraction techniques such as focusing on favorite candle scents and background music.

This is what I do. I can't say that all autistics do this but this is what works for me. Because I know what I do, it's easy for me to observe someone else behaving in a manner that may seem unsocial or inappropriate to the general population and give that person the benefit of the doubt.

The fact that the man singing the "inapproprate" lyrics turned away from the father and his daughters and started singing to himself leads me to believe that he'd dismissed them from his immediate attention and had gone back to whatever was going on in his head. When the man with the daughters behind him made a remark about his singing ("Dude!"), he likely assumed that he was encroaching on that man's personal space with his singing and apologized.

I could be wrong. I wasn't there. But I can easily see how this could have been me in this same situation and how someone could think I was unbalanced or predatory based on a 30-second observance. Fortunately, I'm a woman and don't really have to deal with the stereotypical issues that are foisted onto men. In fact, if I dyed my hair blonde I could probably get away with all my autistic tics in public and never have to worry about what other people assumed of me.

'
I get impulses, I get "tics". what I don't get is a man singing I wish they all could be little girls. I don't and wont' give a pass on this, it is wrong and creepy. I stand by my opinion. I wouldn't have called the cops, I wouldn't have made a scene, but I would have said something just as the OP did.

 

[Carly_Roach]

'
I get impulses, I get "tics". what I don't get is a man singing I wish they all could be little girls. I don't and wont' give a pass on this, it is wrong and creepy. I stand by my opinion. I wouldn't have called the cops, I wouldn't have made a scene, but I would have said something just as the OP did.

I suspect that's where the disconnect is coming in. I've trained myself to focus on action as opposed to words. I've learned that what people say and what people do are often times polar opposites. It would seem that the 'normal' population dwells more on what is said and how it's said rather than what is done. This is an aspect of social interraction and society rules that I still haven't mastered and probably never will.

I agree that the OP probably acted appropriately when he brought the man's singing to his attention. Where I disagree is the OP's assumption that the man was likely a preditor based on his singing. Again, that strange man's actions seem to indicate the truth of the matter.

 

[PaulaSB12]

The level of hysteria about people any where near children is mad. The man was not looking at the kids when he was singing and had probably forgotten and thought his singing was irritating the op. To label someone a pervert because of that is infantile to say someone who has been told to put a santa suit on that because of that they are a pervert is wrong. In 2000 the news of the world ran an infamous picture story of child molesters. After that all sorts of people where attacked, for having a similar name, for living at the same address when the criminal had moved (a man and his 2 children nearly burned to death because of that) one of the pictures showed the perp wearing a neck brace so a man wearing a neck brace was attacked and last but not least a woman pediatrician was forced out of her house by morons who couldn't tell the difference between that and peadophile. In the majority of cases "gut instinct" is wrong and if you look at most cases of child abuse the abuser gets close to the parents before trying to get to the child.

 

[DaParkers]

'
I get impulses, I get "tics". what I don't get is a man singing I wish they all could be little girls. I don't and wont' give a pass on this, it is wrong and creepy. I stand by my opinion. I wouldn't have called the cops, I wouldn't have made a scene, but I would have said something just as the OP did.

Extreme! It could be creepy depending on the person, but wrong!? There are goofballs in this world. I am one. I change the lyrics to songs all the time. I just sing about whatever is around me. Granted, I do this at home and around family. But, I'm an introvert, and rarely talk to strangers. That doesn't mean that everyone is though. That man may been a pervert, or he may have been a goofball that didn't realize the innapropiate nature of his words. And for those that said his apology confirmed his tendencies......C'mon! Maybe he apologized because he thought the OP was disturbed by his singing, not by his lyrics. Like I said, he could've been a pervert, but predators don't usually exhibit their behaviors around the parents of their prey.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

My DH is an elementary school teacher (so am I). What you say is so true. He has to be real careful not to be alone with kids. The school counselor has a mentoring program at the school and teachers volunteer to eat lunch with a child they mentor once a week in their classroom while the other kids are at recess. DH always has to say "no" that he cannot do that. They really want him to because there are so few male teachers in elementary and the kids really love him. He's like a rock star at the school with girls wanting to hold his hand when he's walking outside. The parents all love him too, but all it would take is one child or irate parent to accuse him of something and that would be it for his reputation and maybe career.

It's sad that these things get in the way of helping our kids. I have students who must be monitored in the bathroom for their safety. I am so glad that my para is male so that he can monitor the boys. Even then, he stands at the entrance to the bathroom so anybody walking by can see him. I do the same thing for the girls. If a girl has an accident I never send him down with her, just like he handles any time the little boys have accidents. We have one girl who is still potty training. Normally the nurse does it, but if she's not available, I do it. It's not that I don't trust him, it's that I don't want him to ever be in a situation where somebody could get the wrong idea.

I'm wondering with your mentoring program how it is set up. We have a similar program at our school and have several male volunteers. We have tables set up in the hallway outside the cafeteria, so they are right there in public view (and in view of the cameras). I wonder if something similar would work for your husband if mentoring is something that he truly wants to do? That way he could do it, but would not be putting himself at risk of an accusation.

 

[dogluva]

Sorry, but any man singing I wish they all were little girls to the tune of Wish they all could be California girls is just sick, and yep wacko and yep probably a pervert. There is no other explanation for it, and frankly I don't see how anyone can even start to claim anything else. This has nothing to do with being nice or talking to or even smiling at kids, that is appropriate behavior. But that song isn't appropriate especially when you change the words to little girls. Those beach boys are talking about wanting to play dolls, they are loving the way California girls look. CREEPY.

I wouldn't have called the cops, but I would have suggested that he not try and get his jollies off of little girls.

This comment is so over the top. You were not there-he could have JUST been singing. Really, people sing all the time in stores. He also may have been mentally handicapped-this could be an another explanation.

Op, are you a man? Sorry, but if you are, over reacation on your part. Not everyone is out to get your little girls. My husband wouldn't have batted an eye. I might have found him amusing but nothing else.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Let me get this straight. We have a reasonably long time Dis member who seems to have a moderate disposition who ACTUALLY OBSERVES questionable behavior and the people here, yet again, rush to give the benefit of the doubt to a phantom individual no-one here knows anything at all about in a set of circumstances no-one here observed other than the OP

are you kidding me? seriously?

 

[Carly_Roach]

Let me get this straight. We have a reasonably long time Dis member who seems to have a moderate disposition who ACTUALLY OBSERVES questionable behavior and the people here, yet again, rush to give the benefit of the doubt to a phantom individual no-one here knows anything at all about in a set of circumstances no-one here observed other than the OP

are you kidding me? seriously?

Hmmm...he's been here for five months. I can't really consider that reasonably long-term. Sorry. If it had been Dan Murphy or someone else who'd been here for a long time, maybe.

I don't recall many of his posts, so I have to base my opinion on this one.

In fact, in reviewing how he's dwelled on an incident that most people would have dismissed and forgotten about as soon as they left the grocery store, I really can't say in public what I think about that person's disposition without being seen engaging in a personal attack. I'll just have to say that I disagree with your assessment.

Seriously. No, I'm not kidding you.

But I will say this and I mean it in the nicest of manners:

If you're constantly and consistently being shocked and made speechless by the majority of people's reactions to any given situation, you might want to sit down and figure out why your opinion is so different from everyone elses. I was once on a board where I couldn't believe how people were behaving and what they were saying. I eventually chalked it up to me being in my 40's and them being in their 20's and I left for calmer waters. It's how I found the DIS.

 

[dogluva]

Let me get this straight. We have a reasonably long time Dis member who seems to have a moderate disposition who ACTUALLY OBSERVES questionable behavior and the people here, yet again, rush to give the benefit of the doubt to a phantom individual no-one here knows anything at all about in a set of circumstances no-one here observed other than the OP

are you kidding me? seriously?

Sorry, don't know either of them.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I don't know the poster any more than the guy singing in the store. I just think it's wrong to assume the guy is a predator based on what happened. And, I work with special needs kids who often grow up to have "strange" behaviors as adults. I'd hate for them to be judged like that.

 

[phorsenuf]

Big cuddly bear is Papa Deuce.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Big cuddly bear is Papa Deuce.

Sooo...he got a new name?

Well, considering that I don't know who that is either, I'll have to stick with my opinion above. LuvOrlando and I will have to agree to disagree on her assessment of Big cuddly bear/papa deuce.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Let me get this straight. We have a reasonably long time Dis member who seems to have a moderate disposition who ACTUALLY OBSERVES questionable behavior and the people here, yet again, rush to give the benefit of the doubt to a phantom individual no-one here knows anything at all about in a set of circumstances no-one here observed other than the OP

are you kidding me? seriously?

Well, from my perspective the witnessed behavior, as described by the OP, ios not in the least bit questionable. Someone says hello, Turns around and no longer has any eye contact or physical contact with the family at all and sings softly enough under hie breath that while OP heard it, his daughters in the immediate vicinity could not. What is questionable about that The lyrics he was singing? Gracious, I change the lyrics to songs all the darned time. All kinds of songs. I never think about what the song is originally about when I change them. I am positive California Girls has been reworked by in our family a dozen times at least; it is an easy song to change the lyrics on. Besides, as the mom of a teen (whom I love) I do once in a while wish they all could stay little girls So does my husband--he says we can have children but NO teenagers Nothing creepy or predator like at all about that wish in a spur of the moment when seeing two sweet and well behaved little girl. If anything, it is a little creepy that someone else's mind would immediately go there and think that singing about little girls is a predatory overture. Why would your mind, and OP's mind leap that way? I am somewhat serious here. We knew someone once who was ALWAYS seeing inappropriate things in the most innocent of situations. Stuff no one else in the group of parents noticed or thought was meant in inappropriate ways. THAT set my radar off big time; that they were thinking in these innapropriate ways to make these off base connections all the time. It was like all they focused on was "how can this relate to sex with kids" I never left my kids alone with this person and did not sign up for the same homeschool group again after that.

Big cuddly bear is Papa Deuce.

Huh? Where are you getting that from? Has he said this? Wasn't Papa Deuce the BBQ guy? If i am thinking of the right poster that person was on often and pretty much posted about BBQs, DJing and starting businesses.
Not really similar at all to this poster Besides, WHY on earth would someone go away and then come back with a new name? I mean, maybe if you did not come very often and forgot your log in or something--but not someone who posted often (and even then, I think most people if forced by a forgotten password to create a new name would out a note about who they used to be in their signature or soemthing) Unless they are trying to come up with a new identity, in which case that is far creepier than just changing the lyrics of the song you sing under your breath. NOT that I think OP did this--I am not seeing the connection at all. YOU seem to think he did though, and fail to find that odd but find someone minding their own business and singing under their breath some changed song lyrics to be a serious breach. That is an odd disconnect to me.

 

[badblackpug]

Let me get this straight. We have a reasonably long time Dis member who seems to have a moderate disposition who ACTUALLY OBSERVES questionable behavior and the people here, yet again, rush to give the benefit of the doubt to a phantom individual no-one here knows anything at all about in a set of circumstances no-one here observed other than the OP

are you kidding me? seriously?

Nope, I'm not kidding you. I don't know either person, and I won't even pretend I know someone based on what they post on a message board. Based on the description of the incident that was given, I can't see anything even vaguely threatening about the singer's behavior.

Well, from my perspective the witnessed behavior, as described by the OP, ios not in the least bit questionable. Someone says hello, Turns around and no longer has any eye contact or physical contact with the family at all and sings softly enough under hie breath that while OP heard it, his daughters in the immediate vicinity could not. What is questionable about that The lyrics he was singing? Gracious, I change the lyrics to songs all the darned time. All kinds of songs. I never think about what the song is originally about when I change them. I am positive California Girls has been reworked by in our family a dozen times at least; it is an easy song to change the lyrics on. Besides, as the mom of a teen (whom I love) I do once in a while wish they all could stay little girls So does my husband--he says we can have children but NO teenagers Nothing creepy or predator like at all about that wish in a spur of the moment when seeing two sweet and well behaved little girl. If anything, it is a little creepy that someone else's mind would immediately go there and think that singing about little girls is a predatory overture. Why would your mind, and OP's mind leap that way? I am somewhat serious here. We knew someone once who was ALWAYS seeing inappropriate things in the most innocent of situations. Stuff no one else in the group of parents noticed or thought was meant in inappropriate ways. THAT set my radar off big time; that they were thinking in these innapropriate ways to make these off base connections all the time. It was like all they focused on was "how can this relate to sex with kids" I never left my kids alone with this person and did not sign up for the same homeschool group again after that.



Huh? Where are you getting that from? Has he said this? Wasn't Papa Deuce the BBQ guy? If i am thinking of the right poster that person was on often and pretty much posted about BBQs, DJing and starting businesses.
Not really similar at all to this poster Besides, WHY on earth would someone go away and then come back with a new name? I mean, maybe if you did not come very often and forgot your log in or something--but not someone who posted often (and even then, I think most people if forced by a forgotten password to create a new name would out a note about who they used to be in their signature or soemthing) Unless they are trying to come up with a new identity, in which case that is far creepier than just changing the lyrics of the song you sing under your breath. NOT that I think OP did this--I am not seeing the connection at all. YOU seem to think he did though, and fail to find that odd but find someone minding their own business and singing under their breath some changed song lyrics to be a serious breach. That is an odd disconnect to me.

As for the bolded part.... my goodness this makes perfect sense... I have a 13 year old .... I never thought about that, but that well could have been what he meant. More like "I wish they would all stay young, polite, and sweet, not grow into obnoxious teens! Interesting thought!

 

[PaulaSB12]

Let me get this straight. We have a reasonably long time Dis member who seems to have a moderate disposition who ACTUALLY OBSERVES questionable behavior and the people here, yet again, rush to give the benefit of the doubt to a phantom individual no-one here knows anything at all about in a set of circumstances no-one here observed other than the OP

are you kidding me? seriously?

No its the fact that some more nervious dismembers are assuming that a man who said hello, turned away from the kids and sang to himself must be a pervert wanting to grab two wee innocent children and harm them, your children are not that interesting, the op didn't mention the man following him or being any where near him after the dude so he probably went away and forgot the whole incident.

 

[NHdisneylover]

As for the bolded part.... my goodness this makes perfect sense... I have a 13 year old .... I never thought about that, but that well could have been what he meant. More like "I wish they would all stay young, polite, and sweet, not grow into obnoxious teens! Interesting thought!

See that (bolded) or the man just missing his "little girl" now that his daughter is all grown up and married or something equally benign is ALL I would ever think of (if i thought about it at all) unless there were some real indicators that the man was thinking about the girls in an inappropriate way (like leering at them, following them and the dad around, trying to draw them into a conversation which lured them away from the dad, making suggestive comments, etc--NONE of which the OP describes). I realize that in this thread the OP brought up sexualized/predatory behaviour which is probably what steered most people's minds that way--but barring such a suggestion I truly wonder WHY someone would even leap in that direction it is really weird to me.

 

[phorsenuf]

Well, from my perspective the witnessed behavior, as described by the OP, ios not in the least bit questionable. Someone says hello, Turns around and no longer has any eye contact or physical contact with the family at all and sings softly enough under hie breath that while OP heard it, his daughters in the immediate vicinity could not. What is questionable about that The lyrics he was singing? Gracious, I change the lyrics to songs all the darned time. All kinds of songs. I never think about what the song is originally about when I change them. I am positive California Girls has been reworked by in our family a dozen times at least; it is an easy song to change the lyrics on. Besides, as the mom of a teen (whom I love) I do once in a while wish they all could stay little girls So does my husband--he says we can have children but NO teenagers Nothing creepy or predator like at all about that wish in a spur of the moment when seeing two sweet and well behaved little girl. If anything, it is a little creepy that someone else's mind would immediately go there and think that singing about little girls is a predatory overture. Why would your mind, and OP's mind leap that way? I am somewhat serious here. We knew someone once who was ALWAYS seeing inappropriate things in the most innocent of situations. Stuff no one else in the group of parents noticed or thought was meant in inappropriate ways. THAT set my radar off big time; that they were thinking in these innapropriate ways to make these off base connections all the time. It was like all they focused on was "how can this relate to sex with kids" I never left my kids alone with this person and did not sign up for the same homeschool group again after that.



Huh? Where are you getting that from? Has he said this? Wasn't Papa Deuce the BBQ guy? If i am thinking of the right poster that person was on often and pretty much posted about BBQs, DJing and starting businesses.
Not really similar at all to this poster Besides, WHY on earth would someone go away and then come back with a new name? I mean, maybe if you did not come very often and forgot your log in or something--but not someone who posted often (and even then, I think most people if forced by a forgotten password to create a new name would out a note about who they used to be in their signature or soemthing) Unless they are trying to come up with a new identity, in which case that is far creepier than just changing the lyrics of the song you sing under your breath. NOT that I think OP did this--I am not seeing the connection at all. YOU seem to think he did though, and fail to find that odd but find someone minding their own business and singing under their breath some changed song lyrics to be a serious breach. That is an odd disconnect to me.

I completely agree with you. So they guy changed the lyrics and very well may not even realized how it may have sounded.

As for Big cuddly bear being Papa, if you read through his previous posts you'll catch it. When Big cuddly bear started coming around (and seemed pretty comfortable and knowledgeable of the CB) something seemed familiar to me. It wasn't long before I figured it out.
Why he would change his name and come back is beyond me. If he was trying to be incognito for some reason he didn't do a great job and now I outed him (oops). Maybe he'll come back and explain but I kinda doubt it. I think he's been asked before and ignored it.