Would you forgive your partner if they confessed to a one-night stand?

[SDFgirl]

I think it's possible that I could forgive, and my husband feels the same way. In *no* way is this a free pass to cheat, but we both feel that there's so much at stake (with our great marriage, our kids, etc.) that we would both WANT to at least attempt to forgive and move on. Whether we actually could or not would be a different story. It's hard to say unless you're in the situation.

 

[beattyfamily]

Even if I was married for 40 years, cheating is something I will never tolerate. I have too much respect for myself than that. I would rather be alone than with a cheater. Especially if I have children in the marriage. I would want to teach them right from wrong and there are consequences for your actions.

Just because my answer was "I don't know" and maybe I could forgive but that I just don't know until it's actually happened to me and that it depends on the circumstances does NOT mean I don't have respect for myself.

Just wanted to say that.

 

[kellyg403]

Having lived through this scenerio with my ex, I know now that in my current marriage that it would be over. I fought long and hard for someone who had no ability to be monogomous. The person I became during that time is someone who is long gone and buried. I will never sell myself short ever again. But, I do think forgiving is not forgetting and that is where the problem lies. I forgave him for cheating but I never forgot. So, ultimately I destroyed a big part of the relationship myself. I just could never get past it and trust him again. So when it happened again, it just wasn't worth it to myself when I looked in the mirror. And, like another posted...getting the visa bill and knowing what and where he had been doing it was an eyeopening experience. You can't dismiss what is right before your eyes, even for the kids. Ultimately, it boils down to the cheater and how much they are willing to do to make things right, and the one who is cheated on has to make a committment to forgive, move forward and not use it as a crutch to make the other person's life miserable.

I have known a few couples that have survived cheating, all but one of them said cheating was a dealbreaker. They are all still together and happy on the surface. I hope their marriages are as strong as they appear. So, yes I think it can work after an affair. Most definitely. And no, I would not judge another person who stays and works it out, any more than the person who leaves right away.

Kelly

 

[mumom95]

It's easy for me to sit here and hypothetically and say of course I would not stay with him, but I'm not so sure if I was in the situation that answer would be so easy. My decision wouldn't just affect me, but my two children also. So I answered Not sure. I just hope I never have to make that choice in real life.

 

[happygirl]

I think I could forgive. I would never forget though

 

[NY Disney fan]

My ex cheated on me when he was stationed overseas. He said he couldn't afford to come home to see his family--and our newborn daughter--during his leave from a tour of duty in Korea. Apparently although he couldn't afford to come home to be with family, he could afford to take a female coworker to Hawaii and not visit any of our many friends who were stationed there (and would have called me up in a heartbeat to let me know what was going on). He'd forgotten that the Visa bill came to me.

I actually did forgive him (after being separated for a year), but it was never the same and we're divorced now.

I know someone who was in the *exact* situation as you described above. He was stationed in Iraq and when he was "on leave" he went to see the other woman not his wife and child. The wife took him back (after a year of separation). They are still together but I wonder how happy they are.

 

[mushumadness]

no, i would wish the door to smack him on his way out

 

[EthansMom]

It would probably be a deal breaker for me.

DH and I actually have discussed it and agree that *if* either of us feels a pressing need to be with someone else, we would have the respect for each other to discuss it first BEFORE acting on our feelings. IMO, there's a bit of a difference between feeling that "the grass is greener" and discussing it with your spouse (and possibly having a trial separation or something) than sneaking around and cheating while acting like everything is fine at home.

 

[c4a]

Deal breaker.

Forgave my ex, eventually. 20 years later...still do not believe anything he says & don't trust him. Forgiving was hard...forgetting seems impossible.

 

[Stitchfans]

No way.

 

[AmericangirlinFrance]

I'm not married, but I was engaged to someone who did this. That among many other things ended our relationship. The thing is - I was heartbroken and utterly destroyed, but my reaction wasn't extreme anger, like "don't let the door hit you on the way out." I still loved this person, deeply, and losing him was like losing a part of me. I guess what I mean is that even when someone has been so cruel to you, you still love that person, and it's hard to cut them out of your life automatically. It was more hurtful for me than for him. It's kind of like children who are mistreated by their parents - many of those children still love their parents and don't want to be taken away from them, even though they are treated badly. Not saying that it's okay or that it shouldn't be a deal-breaker, just that it's often more complicated than just "get out."

I've been on the other side of this too - I was with a man for quite a while who I didn't know was married. My reaction was more of anger, but it was mostly sadness. It's always tragic to lose someone you love, and especially so in these circumstances...

 

[c4a]

I'm not married, but I was engaged to someone who did this. That among many other things ended our relationship. The thing is - I was heartbroken and utterly destroyed, but my reaction wasn't extreme anger, like "don't let the door hit you on the way out." I still loved this person, deeply, and losing him was like losing a part of me. I guess what I mean is that even when someone has been so cruel to you, you still love that person, and it's hard to cut them out of your life automatically. It was more hurtful for me than for him. It's kind of like children who are mistreated by their parents - many of those children still love their parents and don't want to be taken away from them, even though they are treated badly. Not saying that it's okay or that it shouldn't be a deal-breaker, just that it's often more complicated than just "get out."

I've been on the other side of this too - I was with a man for quite a while who I didn't know was married. My reaction was more of anger, but it was mostly sadness. It's always tragic to lose someone you love, and especially so in these circumstances...

OT but not same thing...and btw-a lot of the kids DO want out & still love their parents. Nice try, though.

 

[AmericangirlinFrance]

OT but not same thing...and btw-a lot of the kids DO want out & still love their parents. Nice try, though.

I think you know what I meant - I don't really know how to explain it. Thanks

 

[clgwli]

I would try to forgive if he wanted forgiveness. For better or worse for us. It would hurt but we vowed to try to keep our marriage alive as long as both of us live.

And once a cheater is NOT always a cheater. People do make mistakes. Shame on those who won't believe that people can change

 

[Camicar]

Nope. I have severe trust issues to begin with, which my dh knows, so if he had ANY sort of infidelity that would mean he set out with the intent of hurting me deeply. Therefore, the marriage would be over. And I made that clear from day one. I told him that if he chose to cheat -- and it's a choice, after all, -- he was basically choosing the coward's way of asking for a divorce. I meant it then, I mean it now. Actually, I mean it even more now -- after all these years and the sacrifices and compromises I've made for him and our marriage, if he can't keep his pants zipped, then he doesn't deserve me.

 

[SydneyFalco]

A one night stand? I'd forgive her. I'm about 80% certain.

If it were an ongoing thing or something with deeper feelings--like an ex boyfriend--then maybe no.

When I picture what it would be like to give up on our marriage because of a tawdry sexual encounter , my imagination starts to cheat (no pun intended) by including other problems, like any minor grievances I carry, into the mix. That strikes me as opportunistic rationalization and pure defensiveness, which might be excusable given that I've been cheated on, but not valid reasons to divorce. Marriage is such an unnatural, artifical construct that it can only be sustained by adults acting in an adult manner. Respect and trust are vital components, to be sure, but there are no serious violations of them--IMHO--in a single, unplanned incident with a prompt confession.

We'd more than likely end up in a string of fights and reconciliations, we'd look at why she'd done it, and if it was just weakness or boredom, yeah, I could easily get past that.

 

[Chicago526]

Hell to the no!

I'd toss my DH out on his butt and be on the phone with an attorney before he picked himself up off the ground! To be fair, I've told every guy I've ever dated up front, that I have a zero tollerance policy for cheating. I've always been able to support myself financially so the guys I've seen have known that I have no reason to stay if they fool around on me (or treat me badly in any way, for that matter).

Sorry, once trust is gone, it's gone. And seeing what my friends have gone through with cheaters, once a cheater always a cheater. Every friend I've had that has had their guy cheat on them, swore on a stack that it would never happen again. But it kept happening, repeatedly, until they were fed up and finally left their sorry butts. To me, anyone that would have a one night stand is also capable of having either additional one nighters or even to have an on going affair. There are a very few that truely have that drunken one night stand and regret it instantly, and do the right thing. But I've never met one, and I think they are quite rare.

I have no issue with other people (men or women) who try to save their relationship after cheating. But I couldn't do it, myself. Even with kids, I just couldn't do it.

 

[JB111107]

I voted not sure. I've been cheated on in the past and never would wish it on anyone to go through. I was also involved with someone for awhile before finding out that I was "the other woman". I was devestated, but more for the other person, because I knew what she was going to feel, and I felt horrible that I was the cause of that pain, even though I didn't know it at the time. DH forgave his ex for cheating while he was deployed, and tried to make it work, but she ended up leaving for someone else anyway.

I think that if we were in that position, both of us would at least try to work past it, but it really isn't something either of us are worried about happening. We both work very hard at making sure that we never even get close to a point where we are so frustrated in our marriage that it would ever be a consideration. Granted we've only been together 2 years, but we JUST had our first arguement, and it was barely even that....besides, the making up part is an awful lot of fun

 

[beattyfamily]

I would try to forgive if he wanted forgiveness. For better or worse for us. It would hurt but we vowed to try to keep our marriage alive as long as both of us live.

And once a cheater is NOT always a cheater. People do make mistakes. Shame on those who won't believe that people can change

ITA, especially the bolded part. Forgot to address it in my previous post.

 

[Ilovemylife]

Absolutely not.

My parents divorced due to cheating (by my Dad) and it's an absolute deal-breaker for me. No ifs, ands or buts about it.

My DH is well aware of that and has been since before we got married.