Would this upset you? WWYD

[DSNLvR]

OP,

You really are in a bind....
You have three possible options...

1. Continue to pay your mother, and let this all fester and burn...

2. Make your excuses to your mother, and 'seeing that she is happy to help your brother and sister in law out, blah, blah, blah....'.

3. Find other child care

The problem with finding other child care... While it kind of removes you from the immediate situation, it would very much exacerbate the whole issue.... Your mother, Brother, SIL, and their kids, will be like the happy little clique, with your mother being just so much closer to them and showing even more and more favoritism... and you will be the 'outsider' (very painful and hurtful.....)

My first approach would be to call my mothers bluff, with the approach I must mentioned.....

Then, it it her call.... If her decision is to actually continue to demand payment from you and not your brother, you will have to decide how you want to react... Either you can continue with the festering and resentment, or you can decide that you just cannot accept this treatment, and pull away, find other child care, etc...

I can say, once again, what I have posted several other times here on the DIS.... Grandma providing professional/business childcare for a working parent is a two edged sword.... In many cases, it is not the perfect little situation that many think it is all cracked up to be.

This is my fear as well and I have considered that.

I agree having Grandma watch the kids has its ups and downs.

 

[SC Minnie]

I wonder, though, is OP is paying her mother the same amount she would pay a daycare or unrelated babysitter. If not, isn't she kind of "walking on" her mom? Of course to a lesser extent than the freeloading brother.

Well, if she paying what the mother asked for then no, she isn't 'walking on' her mom. She is paying mom's rate. The brother is the one taking advantage of the mom and mom is allowing it. Nothing the OP can do except for move her kids but she will probably be paying even more with less one on one care. Not to mention hurting her mothers feelings.

I don't think I would ever actually do anything other than come to the DIS and vent.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Yes. I would be upset by all of what you describe. It's really sad! I don't know what I would do about it if anything. Does your mom show preferential treatment in front of the grand kids? For me, that would be the straw that broke the camels back. I wouldn't know what to think about the rest of it.

Do you think your SIL is feeling guilty about all of that, and that is why she asked? Strange to me that she would ask at all. And continue to probe about how much. I wouldn't get a warm fuzzy feeling about that.

I wouldn't know what to think of any of them. I'd have to ponder it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ha what are we on page 3 and the OP gets it. Shocking on these boards I'll tell ya. I started this thread asking if others would be upset - 10 posts later led you to the conclusion that I need therapy?

Ohhh, that is what I was thinking!!!!

But, I do see what is behind this poster's presumptous comments.
If this is just the tip of the iceberg, and part of an ongoing issue.... It could be enough to make someone want or need some outside thoughts and assistance to come to terms with it.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

If it is true as stated, it would upset me.

What the grandparent is doing is playing favorites for whatever reason. She shouldn't be charging you while not charging others. It isn't fair. In fact the cost should be split.

I would try in earnest to modify the payment situation or find other care all together. I would be concerned if the favortism was extending to favoring one grandkid over another.

What she has done is blatantly inappropriate and staying in the same situation is giving your stamp of approval on that behavior.

Since you are her income source-I wouldn't be too concerned about being out of the clique.


Hey--therapy isn't all that bad. I've been in it...several times. You might need it--you never know. I tell you what--sometimes its fun to have a therapist to vent to about the evil things mom does at times.

 

[DSNLvR]

Yes. I would be upset by all of what you describe. It's really sad! I don't know what I would do about it if anything. Does your mom show preferential treatment in front of the grand kids? For me, that would be the straw that broke the camels back. I wouldn't know what to think about the rest of it.

Do you think your SIL is feeling guilty about all of that, and that is why she asked? Strange to me that she would ask at all. And continue to probe about how much. I wouldn't get a warm fuzzy feeling about that.

I wouldn't know what to think of any of them. I'd have to ponder it.

I dont think my mom shows any favoritism infront of the kids, not infront of me anyways and the kids have never mentioned it.

I think my SIL knows I know she isn't paying and that I believe she is taking advantage of the situation so she asks to make it look like she has intentions of paying for grandma's care...when in fact she has no intention at all.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey--therapy isn't all that bad. I've been in it...several times. You might need it--you never know. I tell you what--sometimes its fun to have a therapist to vent to about the evil things mom does at times.

 

[DSNLvR]

Ohhh, that is what I was thinking!!!!

But, I do see what is behind this poster's presumptous comments.
If this is just the tip of the iceberg, and part of an ongoing issue.... It could be enough to make someone want or need some outside thoughts and assistance to come to terms with it.

Yes this is not the only time my mom has bailed them out. She is currently paying for my nephews hockey because DB and DSIL have not put him in any kind of extra curricular activities. My mom signed up my nephew and pays the fees every month. I pay for my kids activities myself. I dont complain about her paying for his hockey because I am happy he is now in a sport that he loves, even if it means DB and DSIL are getting another handout - it does enforce my feelings of resentment towards my brother.

 

[snykymom]

OK, sorry if I opened a can of worms with the "therapist" comment - I probably should have explained in more detail.

The reason I suggested a therapist is not because the OP shouldn't be upset about what's happening. Of course that's a legitimate gripe.

I suggested the therapist to help the OP figure out how to talk to her mother to get this particular sort of favoritism (and the OP's feelings that were she irresponsible, mom would let her have it, but since it's brother, it's OK) resolved without breaking the family apart. Not an easy line to walk.

 

[DSNLvR]

I really could go on and on, every year my nephew tells me and my mom about the book fair that comes to his school but that he never has money to buy a book. Last year he even used his lunch money to buy himself something because he felt left out. So this year my mom gave him $20 to take the book fair, my kids have book fairs twice a year and we've never asked her for a dime for them to buy themselves a book at the fair.


I would not complain about these things if things just happen to be tight for my brother and SIL. I believe we should help each other out BUT I am watching my mom fork over money for all these things they could/should EASILY provide for their kids while DSIL goes shopping.

Wow, venting like this feels good and makes me wonder if maybe I do need therapy?

 

[Scurvy]

OK, sorry if I opened a can of worms with the "therapist" comment - I probably should have explained in more detail.

The reason I suggested a therapist is not because the OP shouldn't be upset about what's happening. Of course that's a legitimate gripe.

I suggested the therapist to help the OP figure out how to talk to her mother to get this particular sort of favoritism (and the OP's feelings that were she irresponsible, mom would let her have it, but since it's brother, it's OK) resolved without breaking the family apart. Not an easy line to walk.

Good point. I totally misunderstood what you meant. Therapy might be useful to help with the communication issue. (Or to have someone to vent to, as others pointed out!) I know I'd have a hard time addressing something like this without making things worse, because I'd be really mad about it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I really could go on and on, every year my nephew tells me and my mom about the book fair that comes to his school but that he never has money to buy a book. Last year he even used his lunch money to buy himself something because he felt left out. So this year my mom gave him $20 to take the book fair, my kids have book fairs twice a year and we've never asked her for a dime for them to buy themselves a book at the fair.


I would not complain about these things if things just happen to be tight for my brother and SIL. I believe we should help each other out BUT I am watching my mom fork over money for all these things they could/should EASILY provide for their kids while DSIL goes shopping.

Wow, venting like this feels good and makes me wonder if maybe I do need therapy?

Don't knock therapy. It can be a wonderful tool to vent and forge solutions with a party outside your family.
That is why people come to the DIS with issues. You are looking for a "outsider perspective".

BTW, how old are the kids and how old is your mom?

My younger self would have ripped on mom. My 44yo self knows that grandma's time is limited and being close to her is something that is priceless.

Your DB/SIL are always going to be ripping off your mother in one form or another.

So the addage cutting off your nose to spite your face comes into play here.

 

[allison443]

Well, if she paying what the mother asked for then no, she isn't 'walking on' her mom. She is paying mom's rate. The brother is the one taking advantage of the mom and mom is allowing it. Nothing the OP can do except for move her kids but she will probably be paying even more with less one on one care. Not to mention hurting her mothers feelings.

I don't think I would ever actually do anything other than come to the DIS and vent.

The reason I asked that is because a number of posters said stop having mom babysit and just put the kids in another daycare, but in one of her posts OP said things were "tight" in her house. So another daycare may not be feasible.
I agree venting on the dis is sometimes the best solution!

 

[It'sWDW4me]

Yeah, quite honestly, this would totally tick me off.

I can see Grandma helping my brother and his family out should they find themselves in a pinch but this "pinch" sounds to be self-inflicted and, more than a year later, lasting way too long. Going to the spa, buying the latest clothes and accessories are extravagances that shouldn't be indulged in if you can't afford child care. Grandma is not helping - she's enabling.

Have you talked with your mom about this? She and her good intentions are being taken advantage of - maybe she doesn't realize it, maybe she does. Is she afraid that she won't get to see those kids at all if she doesn't babysit for free? I ask that from experience - my uncle, his wife, and their two kids lived with my grandmother for 14 years (not a typo) rent free, utility bill free, and the moment they finally got their own place - lo and behold - grandma's not invited to come visit the kids.

I would encourage her to discuss some sort of payment plan with your bro & SIL. She could begin by saying that she "started watching the kids for free to help them get out of a financial jam and since they must be back on their feet by now...." They should pay something - even if they start off paying half of what you pay and the amount gets raised a few bucks every so often from that point. If bro & SIL don't want to pay your mom, then they can find someone else to watch their kids for free (good luck with that). If your mom is too insecure to stand up for herself, then I would seriously consider the lessons being indirectly taught to my children: "how to bully Grandma"; "letting someone walk all over you and taking it with a smile"; "no, you don't have to be financially responsible - someone else should constantly bail you out, month after month, after month, after month, after...."

So, yes, I would be extremely ticked but do try to think of it this way - you're teaching your kids valuable life lessons and they will be much better off in the long run than your brother's kids. Plus this - when your brother & SIL are old & broke who are they going to turn to - their young & broke kids whom they taught well on how to be a leech?

 

[Kitzka]

Yes this would upset me. But does it happen? Yes.

I am the responsible one in my family and ahve always had to work for everything. My younger brother not so much.

The one thing is that regardless of what your Brother and SIL are paying or not paying your mom, are you happy with the relationship yuor have with your mom and the one your kids have with her? If yes then i would try to forget this. maybe ask your mom to not discuss this kind of thing with you anymore. the less you know, the less you will resent.

My in laws have 2 children, my husband and my sil. They claim to not have favorites in the grandkid or kid dept. my husband and sil get equal gifts My husband and i live 45 mins from my SIL and have since our daugther was 4 SIL has 2 kids. In spite of MIL's pleas of i don't have a favorite grandkid, i know that is not true. My neice was born 4 years ago and since the momenet of her birth my in laws come from their home 5 hours away from us to see the neice twice a month for about 3 days. often when they come to see my neice they do not call my husband or i or try to see my daughter. this upsets me because i would like my daughter to have a realtionship with her paternal grandparents (we don't see my parents as often as i would like because they live 6 hours away and health issues prevent them from travelling). it use to really upset me and i asked my MIL about it and she said that she doesn't always think to call us ebcause my daughter is so busy (with school, dance, homework etc) but if we knew they were coming we could make some arrangements! anyway, i gave up trying and now try not to think about it. i don't hold it against them (very much) and i don't hold it against my SIL. It is what it is. i can't change it and i am only bothered when my daughter says something about it.At 11 she notices when grandma's letters say she was just nearby visiting the grand daughter.

Sorry to go off topic there but try to not let it bother you and enjoy the relationship your kids have with their grandmother

Lara

 

[luvsJack]

It would upset me too; but OP, you know what? You can't change your mom. She is doing what she thinks is right. I know its not fair, and you know its not fair; but maybe she doesn't see it that way. Maybe she thinks she is making things more even between the grandkids.

Like the book fair money. You give your kids money for the book fair, and your nephew doesn't get any money for it. She didn't see it as being unfair to your kids, she saw it as making him equal to your kids. Make sense?

You cannot change what she feels is right and will only make yourself miserable thinking on whether it is fair or not. Let it go and be happy that your kids have a relationship with your mom and that you have good reliable child care.

 

[Handbag Lady]

OP, we are rowing the same boat. My mom/dad supported my sister when she needed it (years!) and now she's living in one of my dad's houses at a lower-than-normal rent.

Do I get help with my bills? Nope.

I absolutely hate it but it isn't like I can go asking for money. I'm just not wired that way, I guess.

Yes, it angered me and yes it upset me.

After a long, long, long time, I decided to take the high road sprinkled with really witty zingers. Now, when my sister takes a trip, I tell her, "Oh, I wish we could go but we have to pay rent this month." It helps me, but I don't think anyone else gets the joke.

 

[DSNLvR]

Don't knock therapy. It can be a wonderful tool to vent and forge solutions with a party outside your family.
That is why people come to the DIS with issues. You are looking for a "outsider perspective".

BTW, how old are the kids and how old is your mom?

My younger self would have ripped on mom. My 44yo self knows that grandma's time is limited and being close to her is something that is priceless.

Your DB/SIL are always going to be ripping off your mother in one form or another.

So the addage cutting off your nose to spite your face comes into play here.

Kids are 8 and 5. My mom is 51.

 

[worm761]

I would probably talk to my mother about it and look for alternate care for my kids. My father does more for me and my son but lives in my home. I don't ask for anything, he just does. He does things for the other grands when he sees them. But we are in different states.

Oh and stop answering financial questions by SIL. It sounds more like she is bragging than trying to live on a budget. Next time just tell her that you prefer to not discuss your finances with anyone but that Dave Ramsey has a great financial program.

 

[jen0610]

This is because SIL spends all their money on purses and shoes. I am not exaggerating, she hides her purchases throughout the home. So while we can afford to pay my mom things are tight at our house too but my SIL walks around like she just stepped out of a magazine with designer clothes and handbags. She is always going to the spa, hair appointments, nail appointments etc. Part of me is jealous because I sure would love to be able to do that but never at the expense of my mother.

I know I wont say anything because it is not my business but I am still upset about it.

This is from the really snarky side of me.

The next time the whole group is together, with both your brother and mom listening, you need to express interest to your SIL on how she manages to cover everyday expences, pay for day care, put money into the savings and still have extra enough to treat herself to a spa day or mani/pedi trip. State that you would love to be able to "treat yourself" every once in a while, but after you pay grandma for baby sitting and help out with the rest of the debt, you never seem to have anything left over for the little special extra's. Ask what her "saving secret" is, so you can try it too.

After you have made your point to all of the other parties, without coming right out and telling them it it a bunch of hog-wash that one pays and the other doesn't, let it go. You made your point to all of them. Your brother should be giving your mom something every week.