Would this bother you?

[islangrl]

I read your post earlier, and was going to respond, but then you got a lot of responses that said exactly what I was going to say.

But for some reason I can't stop thinking about you and your situation.
OMG, this would so bother me.

Exactly. Opportunity is there for something to go wrong.
Your feelings are VERY valid. Trust your instincts. This girl is trying to get into your relationship with DH. She needs to back off and find her own guy and other friends.

Clarabelle is absolutely right!! Please listen to her!

No matter how you bring it up, if they come back at you, calling you jealous and paranoid, that isn't right!!! That's them turning it back on you, to make you feel you are doing something wrong!!! Come on girls, don't fall for it!!!

I'm not implying that your DH is cheating, but my ex BF cheated on me, and turning it around to make me feel guilty was what he always did.

we had bought this special wine for when we moved into our house earlier this year and we were going to drink it together. well she came over and apparently invited herself to drink it as well, and keeps going on about how she's going to drink it as well once we "crack it open" and i told DH "i'm kind of upset because i thought it was just going to be us, you know?" and he said "i don't really care tho. whoever wants to drink it can drink it" and i thought maybe i was getting upset for a stupid reason, but i think that with everything that's been going on, it added to it.

He needs to respect your feelings. You cant force him too, but you can have a talk about it. You are newlyweds, in a new home, with a special plan to celebrate. She absolutely should not be a part of that celebration.

Here is an analogy for you.
What if you just bought a brand new $350,000.00 Ferrari? The car of your dreams. You LOVE the car and it is so expensive.
Would you allow this girl to borrow your new Ferrari and drive it around all day while you are work? Knowing that she wants to drive it really fast? I wouldn't.

Well, your husband is way more precious and important than any car, and personally, I don't think she should be "borrowing" him while you are at work.
Please, don't be naive. Women are blindsided every day, by husbands they thought would never do such a thing. Have a talk with hubby, and have him end this "friendship".

 

[3jsmommy]

Ok, he's been laid off, why is he scheduling movie dates with this woman instead of job hunting?
I would be more than annoyed if my husband behaved that way!
If my DH heard some single guy say, "don't worry I'll watch your favorite show w/ you when your husband isn't home" well the next thing that guy'd be saying would be "help"! lol
I would tell the "friend" to find a new "buddy". It's obvious by her comments that she is in some sort of competition with you. I would cut her out of my life she sounds a little toxic.
Be honest with him about how you feel, getting in an argument is nothing to be afraid of. Healthy marriages are not made by keeping your hurt feelings to yourself.

 

[Huskerfamilyof5]

I pretty much agree with everyone else, I think you are headed for trouble. Be careful! My DH had a good friend from high school who is female, they never did anything like what you described. We have since introduced her to another friend of ours and they have been married for over 2 years now. She is now one of my best friends, more so than she is with my DH. Good luck, keep your eyes open!

 

[luvindisneyworld]

It would bother me alot and I would let him know that to.

My DH worked with a girl that tried to befriend him and want to talk to him about everything. She would talk to DH all the time about things and then he started to trust her and they would talk on the phone all the time and he even went out with her and her DH on a couple of occasions. We were having problems at the time and she got him to open up to her about everything and before you knew it she started telling DH that her and her DH was having problems and always wanted to be talking to him.
Well I found the cell phone records and I went Crazy . I knew that alot of the things in our marriage that was wrong was my fault but you should never ever turn to anyone else.
I put a stop to that emotional relationship before it had time to progress. All along my DH was not seeing through this little tramp. She had done this before to others that worked there and had broken up marriages and she was not going to do it to me.

I tried to tell my DH what she was doing and all he could say was that they were friends and she meant no harm, I knew in my heart that was not true.

A woman gets gut instincts and they are pretty much always right. So if you feel that something is off you need to nip it now before it goes any further.

 

[Castlebound]

Yes, it would bother me. If this person is a friend of yours she shouldn't have any problem backing off your DH. Your DH shouldn't have any problem limiting his time with this friend to times when you can all be together. Is he actively searching for a job? When DH lost his job a few years ago it was very hard on him. Keeping busy helped him feel like he was productive and needed.

Spend more time connecting with your DH. DH and I trade off watching movies and shows. I will watch his "guy" movies and he will watch my "girl" movies. He has made me promise to not tell other people some of the "girl" movies that he has watched and sort of liked! I understand that you have been working extra hours to help make up for his lost income and I'm sure that is a strain on both of you.

 

[luvmy3]

I haven't read the whole thread but yes it would bother me especially if my dh didn't do those things with me.
Personally I don't understand why some women feel they need top befriend a married man. I understand if you are already friends but then you start doing things with him and his wife. If you are doing those things alone with another woman's husband, then its my opinion that you are looking for more than friendship.

 

[LadyEMT]

This is a very bad situation, and may have ALREADY crossed over into an inappropriate relationship. At the very least, it sounds as if they are dancing around an emotional affair. You should read the Shirley Glass book,"Not Just Friends", for an eye-opening look.

This scenario makes me very uncomfortable. I have experienced first-hand what happens when you don't nip something like this in the bud, and maybe you and he should even get counseling. I'm sure I will get flamed for this, saying it is an extreme reply, but this is a very serious issue within the OP's marriage. If someone has never experienced infidelity, they may be more inclined to blow it off and say,"let him have his friends", but once you have been down that hellish road, you can see the RED FLAGS WAVING in the wind from miles away, which is what I see here.

He should respect YOUR feelings and your wishes! WTH! This is a very serious threat to your marriage, in my opinion. Something I have dealt with and educated myself about, and the signs are impossible to ignore for me.

Please update us with the situation! Infidelity is a soul-destroyer.

"SYMC Definition of Infidelity

Infidelity is the breaking of any one or more of the covenants of marriage between the partners of the marriage.

These covenants bind the partners to standards of behavior which protect and nurture the partners within the marriage and therefore the marriage itself.

Any breaking of the covenants of the marriage may be considered an unfaithful act which is harmful and even destructive to the entity of marriage.

We must, therefore, speak to infidelity on a multitude of levels: sexual, emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual.."

This is a quote from a website called Save Your Marriage Central.

I expect to get some people bashing the H*LL out of me for going to the extreme on this, but this is one thing I know too much about and would even risk looking like a zealot just to save one person the agony of this kind of situation. Take care, R

 

[delilah]

I agree that this is a big problem. There is absolutely no excuse for this type of behavior. I have a similar situation with my husband and the mother of one of my son's taekwondo classmates. She is a single mother of 4 daughters ranging in age from 9-21. He saw nothing wrong at all with going to her house after taekwondo so that the "kids could play". Yeah, sure. Like 9 and 10 year olds need to up "playing" until 10pm on week nights. Plus, this was a little girl. I even question whether a 10 year old boy needs a 9 year old girl friend. Then there was the night that my husband stayed out until about 11pm to "help her with her chemistry homework". My son wasn't even there that night--he was home sick with a dental emergency. That is when I hit the roof. Ultimately, I threatened to move out by October 1 if he didn't clean up his act.

He tried to introduce us at our parish festival. My husband was the chair of the children's game tent, and she "volunteered" to "help" at the tent. She isn't even Catholic. I don't understand why she would need to camp out at his booth at a parish festival for a church she doesn't attend. There were lots of places to volunteer--the food tent, the beer tent, bingo, the garage sale. Looked mighty suspicious to me, and my husband wondered why I didn't welcome with a big hug.

In her stupid, narrow mind, I can see the attraction to my husband.
She cleans houses, and is going to "nursing school". What she didn't realize, and I know, is that I am a physician, and earn about 2/3 of our family income. So, getting involved with him isn't her ticket to easy street. Actually, as a doctor, I could potentially make nursing a very difficult profession for her, if I were so inclined. Think working in the hospital where I admit patients. Bad news travels fast, and don't think I wouldn't share my experiences with coworkers (I already have, but haven't named names).

Good luck opening your husband's eyes.

 

[maccagerl]

. it's really been getting me down lately, aside from him losing his job and me having to work extra to pay the bills, so i've been kind of depressed and this situation isn't helping at all, you know?

So he's not working and while you are working extra hours to pay the bills, he is hanging out , going to movies etc with a female friend?

How did he lose his job?
Why isn't he out job hunting every day?
Why are you picking up the slack while he gets to lounge around every day?

Something is very out of kilter here, and not just between him and the friend.

He is showing you an extreme lack of respect.

Tell him to get off his butt and go find a job,even if it's just a minimum wage job so you don't have to work so much, then the two of you might have more time to spend with each other.

Good luck.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I'm sorry you are going through this. One thing though. Don't kid yourself into thinking he is "clueless". If he really was he would have been mortified when you told him that you didn't like it. He is acting innapropriately. Period. From what you have posted I think he knows exactly what is going on. I truly feel so bad for you but you need to lay your cards on the table and let him know that you want it to stop because it makes you uncomfortable and hurts your feelings. I would also be very p.o.ed if my dh was sitting watching tv with someone (girl or boy) while I was out working instead of trying to find a job. Good luck!

 

[maccagerl]

Actually, as a doctor, I could potentially make nursing a very difficult profession for her, if I were so inclined. Think working in the hospital where I admit patients. Bad news travels fast, and don't think I wouldn't share my experiences with coworkers (I already have, but haven't named names).

.

I'm sure as a doctor you would never do something so unprofessional- I think this would backfire and make you look like a pathetic vindictive unprofessional. If I heard you were doing this , I would never refer patients to you, nor go to you myself.

 

[MeghansMommy]

His wife should be more important than his friend. Period.

Yep!

No matter how you bring it up, if they come back at you, calling you jealous and paranoid, that isn't right!!! That's them turning it back on you, to make you feel you are doing something wrong!!! Come on girls, don't fall for it!!!

Absolutely right.

Am I the only one who doesn’t think the husband is clueless?

You're not alone - it was the first thing I thought. He may not have crossed the line yet, but the fact that he shows the OP very little respect in many different ways gives me the thought that he very well may cross the line soon.

He needs to respect your feelings. You cant force him too, but you can have a talk about it. You are newlyweds, in a new home, with a special plan to celebrate. She absolutely should not be a part of that celebration.

Here is an analogy for you.
What if you just bought a brand new $350,000.00 Ferrari? The car of your dreams. You LOVE the car and it is so expensive.
Would you allow this girl to borrow your new Ferrari and drive it around all day while you are work? Knowing that she wants to drive it really fast? I wouldn't.

Well, your husband is way more precious and important than any car, and personally, I don't think she should be "borrowing" him while you are at work.
Please, don't be naive. Women are blindsided every day, by husbands they thought would never do such a thing. Have a talk with hubby, and have him end this "friendship".

Great post and great analogy.

As newlyweds, his focus should be primarily on you. I can't get over the fact that he's watching movies with this girl while you're at work rather than out being a real man and looking for a job. I feel so bad for the OP.

This is a very bad situation, and may have ALREADY crossed over into an inappropriate relationship. At the very least, it sounds as if they are dancing around an emotional affair. You should read the Shirley Glass book,"Not Just Friends", for an eye-opening look.

This scenario makes me very uncomfortable. I have experienced first-hand what happens when you don't nip something like this in the bud, and maybe you and he should even get counseling. I'm sure I will get flamed for this, saying it is an extreme reply, but this is a very serious issue within the OP's marriage. If someone has never experienced infidelity, they may be more inclined to blow it off and say,"let him have his friends", but once you have been down that hellish road, you can see the RED FLAGS WAVING in the wind from miles away, which is what I see here.

He should respect YOUR feelings and your wishes! WTH! This is a very serious threat to your marriage, in my opinion. Something I have dealt with and educated myself about, and the signs are impossible to ignore for me.

Please update us with the situation! Infidelity is a soul-destroyer.

"SYMC Definition of Infidelity

Infidelity is the breaking of any one or more of the covenants of marriage between the partners of the marriage.

These covenants bind the partners to standards of behavior which protect and nurture the partners within the marriage and therefore the marriage itself.

Any breaking of the covenants of the marriage may be considered an unfaithful act which is harmful and even destructive to the entity of marriage.

We must, therefore, speak to infidelity on a multitude of levels: sexual, emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual.."

This is a quote from a website called Save Your Marriage Central.

I expect to get some people bashing the H*LL out of me for going to the extreme on this, but this is one thing I know too much about and would even risk looking like a zealot just to save one person the agony of this kind of situation. Take care, R

I won't bash you - I completely agree.

So he's not working and while you are working extra hours to pay the bills, he is hanging out , going to movies etc with a female friend?

How did he lose his job?
Why isn't he out job hunting every day?
Why are you picking up the slack while he gets to lounge around every day?

Something is very out of kilter here, and not just between him and the friend.

He is showing you an extreme lack of respect.

Tell him to get off his butt and go find a job,even if it's just a minimum wage job so you don't have to work so much, then the two of you might have more time to spend with each other.

Good luck.

I agree.

OP - I am saying this with absolute love, and it's going to sound harsh, but this man needs to grow up. His focus should be on supporting his family - that's YOU. He needs to get off his butt and get himself a job, not disrespect you by staying home and watching movies with another woman of all things. You need to draw the line right now.

Hugs to you and I'm sorry if I sound too harsh.

 

[diznygirl]

You have to tell him (if you believe him - and it's a good place to start):

"Honey, I know nothing is going on, but it weirds me out. I trust you, but maybe I don't trust her so much, ya know?"


And he should COMPLETELY understand. Otherwise you have to go to Plan B which is to forbid them from seeing each other because he married to YOU goshdarnit and that should matter!

Good luck! I know how hard it is to get through to clueless men!

 

[delilah]

I'm sure as a doctor you would never do something so unprofessional- I think this would backfire and make you look like a pathetic vindictive unprofessional. If I heard you were doing this , I would never refer patients to you, nor go to you myself.

No, I wouldn't do such a thing. But, on a daily basis I do things to help out the nurses I work with to make things easier for them. I am really a very nice doctor. I try to be very patient, and not make unrealistic demands, like some of the doctors I work with. Earlier in the week, one I work with was having a major hissy mood and making things awful for everybody. I just wouldn't go out of my way to be nice. But, the likelihood that she would work at our hospital or my office is remote--we live in a metropolitan area, and there are many places to work for nurses.

 

[delilah]

Yep!

Absolutely right.

You're not alone - it was the first thing I thought. He may not have crossed the line yet, but the fact that he shows the OP very little respect in many different ways gives me the thought that he very well may cross the line soon.

Great post and great analogy.

As newlyweds, his focus should be primarily on you. I can't get over the fact that he's watching movies with this girl while you're at work rather than out being a real man and looking for a job. I feel so bad for the OP.


I won't bash you - I completely agree.


I agree.

OP - I am saying this with absolute love, and it's going to sound harsh, but this man needs to grow up. His focus should be on supporting his family - that's YOU. He needs to get off his butt and get himself a job, not disrespect you by staying home and watching movies with another woman of all things. You need to draw the line right now.

Hugs to you and I'm sorry if I sound too harsh.

Amen, sisters. I couldn't have said it better myself. This is what I have told my husband, and, if he wishes, he can try out if this woman really is his "friend", and go sleep on her sofa.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

You have to tell him (if you believe him - and it's a good place to start):

"Honey, I know nothing is going on, but it weirds me out. I trust you, but maybe I don't trust her so much, ya know?"

And he should COMPLETELY understand. Otherwise you have to go to Plan B which is to forbid them from seeing each other because he married to YOU goshdarnit and that should matter!

Good luck! I know how hard it is to get through to clueless men!

You say it much nicer than I would!

 

[Laura]

thanks. i'm gonna have that chat with him very soon. i just hope he doesn't think i'm being silly or anything.

yeah i hope he does too, it's driving me a little nuts! lol.

I hope your chat goes well. You are NOT being silly at all. You have every right to be suspicious of this friend and her intentions.

 

[Bevin]

I think you might need to drop in at home earlier than you usually do.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Another issue that has to infuriate you is you are working extra to pay bills and he is spending money on the movies and whatever else! That would make me even madder.

As a person married for almost 18yrs., this is a true test of fire for you guys.

Both of you need to sit down and work it out otherwise this will snowball into something that you don't want.

It can work out if both of you work it out.

 

[Aye Sea Turtles]

OP...obviously your gut feeling is telling you that something is hinky with this situation. Let me tell you this...your gut feeling will never steer you wrong.

Listen to what your subconscious is trying to tell you, and make plans NOW to nip this situation in the bud before things go too far.

Just because this woman acts like she is your friend, does not mean her intentions toward your husband are innocent. I've seen her game before.

Good luck to you.