Would this bother you?

[The Mystery Machine]

OK, I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, but are you sure the chick's mother is coming along to the movie and that's not just a cover story? It just doesn't sound believable.

I think it's time to draw a line.

Yea, that is a possibility. Although I am taking it in good faith that the OP's situation has not gone to that level.

Of course OP, first thing you can do is check his emails and cell phone messages/texting/pics. That could paint a pic for you there.

If he refused to stop seeing her and continues to date her, I would certainly start an invasion of privacy without his knowedge.
Don't tell him you are going to do it, if you have to go ahead and do it.

But you are a newlywed and learning all this stuff brand new.

We have probably scared you, so sorry for that. I will keep the faith your DH does the right thing....

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

^^^^That is absolutely the truth. The job loss could easily trigger him to act in a way he wouldn't ordinarily.

Did you have sort of an understanding regarding the bottle of wine & he's backed away from that now that she's in the picture?

Nip this situation in the bud.

well we bought it assuming that we'd both just have it for ourselves. and then she kept going on about having some, and at first i was like "yeah i guess." but then after a while i started thinking about it, and to me....it was special.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

Ok, he's been laid off, why is he scheduling movie dates with this woman instead of job hunting?
I would be more than annoyed if my husband behaved that way!
If my DH heard some single guy say, "don't worry I'll watch your favorite show w/ you when your husband isn't home" well the next thing that guy'd be saying would be "help"! lol
I would tell the "friend" to find a new "buddy". It's obvious by her comments that she is in some sort of competition with you. I would cut her out of my life she sounds a little toxic.
Be honest with him about how you feel, getting in an argument is nothing to be afraid of. Healthy marriages are not made by keeping your hurt feelings to yourself.

ohhhhh we've been down that road plenty of times already, trust me. he has applied to a few places, don't get me wrong, but it's GETTING him to actually do it that's the hard part. it's always "no...i don't think that's for me" until i'm blue in the face from screaming at him about it, then he'll apply for the job.

i have to admit, there really aren't many jobs around here at all anymore. 5 plants have just layed off their employees within the last 5 months, and two of the big banking corporations that are based here also layed off a ton of people as well.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

So he's not working and while you are working extra hours to pay the bills, he is hanging out , going to movies etc with a female friend?

How did he lose his job?
Why isn't he out job hunting every day?
Why are you picking up the slack while he gets to lounge around every day?

Something is very out of kilter here, and not just between him and the friend.

He is showing you an extreme lack of respect.

Tell him to get off his butt and go find a job,even if it's just a minimum wage job so you don't have to work so much, then the two of you might have more time to spend with each other.

Good luck.

he lost his job because about 5 plants in the area(he's worked at his one job for over 6 years, they laid off, then he got hired at another plant doing the same work, for more money, and then they closed and he got laid off again).

he has been looking...although not as much as i'd like. i won't lie, it is really tough to get a job around here. my DSIL got me my job that i currently have, and right after she got me the job, she lost hers because of "downsizing" so yeah, it pretty much sucks around here.

although i've told him if he doesn't hear something by the middle of January, he's gonna have to look elsewhere.

 

[sunnyday123]

see....i thought so too. at first i just brushed it off as "i'm just being paranoid" because i'm usually not a "jealous" type of person, but lately this "friend" has even been doing things like....if i don't want to watch a certain show, she'll say to my DH "well I'LL watch it with you then! come over when DW's at work and we can watch it" and when i try to say "you don't have to wait until i'm at work. he can come over later too you know" she'll say something like "no that's ok. we don't want to leave you by yourself".....DH used to be on afternoons while i was on days, i think i'd be ok with being by myself for an hour.

and now apparently they're planning on going to see a movie.....with her mother. i'm beginning to think she has a crush on DH and doesn't really know how to act since he's married.

um, yea. You need to put a stop to this. Like an hour ago. No way should he be going to a movie with another woman. Were you invited? DH is a married man and thinking he "doesn't know what is going on" is just a little to much of an excuse for him.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

I think you might need to drop in at home earlier than you usually do.

i would love to....but i work late hours. this week it's been 8:30-5:30...and it takes me a half hour to drive to and from work, so i don't get home until 6, and on Fridays it's from 8:15-6 ......it's definatly a tough schedule and i still don't have my 90 days in yet, so i can't take time off yet. although i'd LOVE to be able to one morning be like "...oh i'm not going into work today, by the way" lol....

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

After reading this, I have to say... girl.....that woman is out for your man.

Meeting her mother?!

She is dating your husband right in your face. If your DH can't see that, then you need to put your foot down.

This is no friend to you, trust me.

well he actually already knew her mother. they all used to work together. so the only part that bothered me wasn't "meeting" his mom, since they already knew each other, it was "oh we'll have to go to the movies early enough because my mom goes to bed early"...what?? who invited your mom?? you can't go with just you and your mom by yourselves??

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

I am a big believer in people having friends of the opposite sex. I have more guy friends that girl friends. However, those friendships changed after I got married. I don't spend time alone in private with other men now, and I don't plan anything with other men that my husband isn't also included in, if he wants to be. Not because my husband would have a problem with it - because he isn't the jealous type - but because I think it's innappropriate now. Your husband's relationship with this woman is not appropriate at all.

You are not overreacting! I would be especially upset about the wine thing. Is your husband usually this obtuse about things? Mine can be - he's totally an "engineer" type and sometimes misses emotional cues and the meanings behind things. I could see him not getting the importance of the wine, but once I told him it was important to me it would become important to him as well. He would never tell me that he didn't care who drank it once he knew it was a big deal to me.

If this is how your husband usually is, then he is probably just oblivious to the fact that his behavior is not appropriate for a married man. If this is out of character for him, then he might be too invested emotionally in the relationship with this woman. Either way, the behavior needs to change. I agree with the other posters that the woman seems to be trying to get too close to your husband, and you need to get him to put a stop to it.

he's definatly got that kind of demeanor. he's oblivious to a lot of things unti i have to explain them to him, thus why i kept saying "i know he doesn't think anything of it" because that's really how he is in general. it's definatly not out of character for him.

 

[sunnyday123]

i would love to....but i work late hours. this week it's been 8:30-5:30...and it takes me a half hour to drive to and from work, so i don't get home until 6, and on Fridays it's from 8:15-6 ......it's definatly a tough schedule and i still don't have my 90 days in yet, so i can't take time off yet. although i'd LOVE to be able to one morning be like "...oh i'm not going into work today, by the way" lol....

I would tell them I was violently ill and had to leave....and I would definitely do some sluething around.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

i didn't read the entire thread, but let me get this straight... you're employed, your dh is *unemployed*, but has time on his hands to hang around with another *unemployed* woman, without you. Boy, is it just me, or is this almost laughable?!? Oh, and they both have money to go to the movies together, but they're both *unemployed*? Geez, no wonder our country is in the shape it's in.

Seriously OP, when I say it's almost laughable, I'm not laughing AT you, but this sounds way beyond 'normal'. Are you paying for them to go to the movies? Come on! Tell your darling new dh to get off his bottom and stop wasting time w/ his *friend*, and to go DO something for goodness sakes!

I have to say I feel very sorry for you - this is no way to start off a marriage and a life together. You sound too good for him. Sorry if this is harsh, but I honestly can't believe someone old enough to be married (your dh) sees this as ok. And I'm talking everything - hanging out w/ another woman while you, his new wife, is at work, supporting him. Not being out looking for a job, or just working doing absolutely anything to make a few bucks. Does he have any pride?

I hope this all works out ok for you in the end, but I honestly don't see it. Good luck to you.

i should really specify the "movie" thing. they don't really GO to the movies a lot, that only happened once(and apparently she thinks it's happening twice......yeah......that's gonna happen *sarcasm*) but they rent movies or borrow movies from people and watch them together. and the movies are $1 so it's not massive amounts of money or anything. he goes get unemployment, so he gets SOME money for himself(although i get more...hehe...sorry....i like to rub that one in now.....) so he definatly doesn't spend any of MY money on these things. the only thing he spends my money on is bills and food.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

I would tell them I was violently ill and had to leave....and I would definitely do some sluething around.

like i said, i'm still on probation....the only way they'd let me go home is if i was bleeding or throwing up all over the place.

but as of January 1st i have 32 days to take at my leisure......i can't wait!

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

i want to thank everyone for the comments i recieved. most of them were very helpful and i really appreciate it.

i talked do DH lastnight. i told him that with everything that's been going on lately, i think we need to focus on just myself and him, since we're just newlyweds...we need some time to ourselves.

he agreed with me, and we both agreed that if we do see her, it will be on the weekends when we all are together, like it used to be, and there's usually more people there as well.

today he actually started working on the kitchen floor again, putting the tile in......something we've been trying to do for months, and yet never gets done....but he started it and got a lot done. plus he also sent in his resume for a job opening that my mother saw.

i also talked to him about the wine, and i didn't ask him, i told him that it was for us only, and it's going to stay that way. he didn't argue with it.

and also....i don't care what kind of movie they want to see, you better believe i will be there watching it. even if it's some crappy movie with Keanue Reeves being an alien....i might fall asleep in the theater or while watching it on tv....but i'll be right there in the middle of them(btw i forgot to mention that the few times we've gone to the movies in groups, with this female friend present, she's always sitting RIGHT next do DH.... ).

 

[disneyjunkie]

ohhhhh we've been down that road plenty of times already, trust me. he has applied to a few places, don't get me wrong, but it's GETTING him to actually do it that's the hard part. it's always "no...i don't think that's for me" until i'm blue in the face from screaming at him about it, then he'll apply for the job.

i have to admit, there really aren't many jobs around here at all anymore. 5 plants have just layed off their employees within the last 5 months, and two of the big banking corporations that are based here also layed off a ton of people as well.

How can an honest job that pays real money not be for someone who isn't working?? Earning a little money is better than not earning anything at all.

Are eating, having a roof over his head, electricity...not for him also?

 

[OceanAnnie]

see....i thought so too. at first i just brushed it off as "i'm just being paranoid" because i'm usually not a "jealous" type of person, but lately this "friend" has even been doing things like....if i don't want to watch a certain show, she'll say to my DH "well I'LL watch it with you then! come over when DW's at work and we can watch it" and when i try to say "you don't have to wait until i'm at work. he can come over later too you know" she'll say something like "no that's ok. we don't want to leave you by yourself".....DH used to be on afternoons while i was on days, i think i'd be ok with being by myself for an hour.

and now apparently they're planning on going to see a movie.....with her mother. i'm beginning to think she has a crush on DH and doesn't really know how to act since he's married.

The above doesn't look good at all. There should be no "we" between your DH and the pseudo friend. I don't understand why you offered time for your DH to go to her house later? And she turned it down because "they" didn't want you to be by yourself? It sounds like maybe they've talked about this before?

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

The above doesn't look good at all. There should be no "we" between your DH and the pseudo friend. I don't understand why you offered time for your DH to go to her house later? And she turned it down because "they" didn't want you to be by yourself? It sounds like maybe they've talked about this before?

at the time i hadn't thought anything about the situation. i was like "just go over, watch your stupid show, and i'll show up when you're done"

actually, when she mentioned that, he said something like "she doesn't care if she's by herself or not. she could still come and hang out on your computer or something" so at least he gave me that much.

 

[sunnyday123]

i should really specify the "movie" thing. they don't really GO to the movies a lot, that only happened once(and apparently she thinks it's happening twice......yeah......that's gonna happen *sarcasm*) but they rent movies or borrow movies from people and watch them together. and the movies are $1 so it's not massive amounts of money or anything. he goes get unemployment, so he gets SOME money for himself(although i get more...hehe...sorry....i like to rub that one in now.....) so he definatly doesn't spend any of MY money on these things. the only thing he spends my money on is bills and food.

But you are married to him, not her. Are you watching movies with him? Do they invite you to watch a movie with them? If this has bothered you enough to question it and ask if it's right, then there is something that isn't *right*.

 

[OceanAnnie]

at the time i hadn't thought anything about the situation. i was like "just go over, watch your stupid show, and i'll show up when you're done"

actually, when she mentioned that, he said something like "she doesn't care if she's by herself or not. she could still come and hang out on your computer or something" so at least he gave me that much.

Oh, I see. That makes sense.

I saw your post where you guys have talked. I'm glad he's receptive. I hope things will be on the upswing now and that she gets the message.

 

[MeghansMommy]

Hugs OP.

 

[sunnyday123]

like i said, i'm still on probation....the only way they'd let me go home is if i was bleeding or throwing up all over the place.

but as of January 1st i have 32 days to take at my leisure......i can't wait!

January 2nd I'd be taking a few hours...unexpectedly. I also would let this "friend" know is no uncertain way that she is not welcome in my marriage.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

But you are married to him, not her. Are you watching movies with him? Do they invite you to watch a movie with them? If this has bothered you enough to question it and ask if it's right, then there is something that isn't *right*.

i do watch movies with them, and tv shows. but i don't watch ALL of the things that they both apparently enjoy watching.....so her way of thinking is "we'll just watch together, then!" i remember the one time i brought over The X-Files movie to her house a few weeks ago....i had been talking about it for YEARS how excited i was, and she's like "oh just leave it here....he and i will watch it....i know you don't like stuff like that" ...... yeah i kind of flipped on her for that one. she KNEW i loved that show. that was i think one of the first wake up calls to me. even my husband said "she's only been talking about this movie for like, 2 years now.....if anything she'll know more about the storyline than either of us will"(although, in the end....HORRIBLE movie! ugh)

Oh, I see. That makes sense.

I saw your post where you guys have talked. I'm glad he's receptive. I hope things will be on the upswing now and that she gets the message.

yeah i'm glad that he seemed to agree with everything, also. takes a bit of weight off of my shoulders

January 2nd I'd be taking a few hours...unexpectedly. I also would let this "friend" know is no uncertain way that she is not welcome in my marriage.

oh i'll definatly be taking some time off asap. espically after working all of these crazy hours lately! i JUST started there in September and already they have me knowing things that people who've been there for almost a year don't know yet.....so there's more stress added.....crazy!