Would this bother you?

[OceanAnnie]

I would be so upset with him! The wine thing would have set me off. That should have been a special moment between you and your DH. HE should have recognized it as such. That's the biggest problem. He isn't on the same page and doesn't see your POV.

He should be doing everything in his power to make life easier for you. Not harder. You are working more hours while he does what?! Play with a friend? He doesn't need another friend. He needs a job. He should be actively searching for job. He shouldn't have all of this free time. But you can't really come out and say that or you would be the "enemy" with his POV so skewed (as it is).

Don't minimize your feelings as being silly. They aren't. They are dead on. You should tell him you are serious. Ask him how he would feel if it were you doing these activities with another guy. I hope you can get through to him. He is just asking for trouble.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

*sigh* thanks for giving me advice. i'll keep trying to talk to him about it, see how it goes.

i got pretty upset the other night when we had a stupid conversation about wine.

we had bought this special wine for when we moved into our house earlier this year and we were going to drink it together. well she came over and apparently invited herself to drink it as well, and keeps going on about how she's going to drink it as well once we "crack it open" and i told DH "i'm kind of upset because i thought it was just going to be us, you know?" and he said "i don't really care tho. whoever wants to drink it can drink it" and i thought maybe i was getting upset for a stupid reason, but i think that with everything that's been going on, it added to it.

After reading this, I have to say... girl.....that woman is out for your man.

Meeting her mother?!

She is dating your husband right in your face. If your DH can't see that, then you need to put your foot down.

This is no friend to you, trust me.

 

[OceanAnnie]

After reading this, I have to say... girl.....that woman is out for your man.

Meeting her mother?!

She is dating your husband right in your face. If your DH can't see that, then you need to put your foot down.

This is no friend to you, trust me.

That's my take on it too.

 

[RitaZ.]

would it bother you if your DH did things like going to the movies with another woman, grocery shopping with another woman, and going to her house during the day while you're at work to watch television shows or movies? because i keep trying to explain to him that i understand that this woman is a friend of ours, but i think this friend thinks she's something more to DH.....and he doesn't agree. and i really don't think anything "strange" is going on, i really do think he thinks it's harmless.....but i'm trying to think of a nice way to tell her to ease off a little bit. we're just newlyweds, i think we still need some time to ourselves.

What you've described in your post is a couple that is dating. There may be nothing going on, but it doesn't look good.

You are not being silly. You have every right to be upset. I wouldn't say a word to your "friend". This is between you and your DH. Simply put, he is behaving like a jerk.

Good luck to you.

 

[piglet too]

I hope your talk goes well.

 

[rie'smom]

It would bother me but it would bother him more after I slapped him sideways.

My husband wouldn't do this though. Once we were married, he chose not to go out with his friends. He goes out if I go out and vice versa.

 

[amyhughes]

After reading this, I have to say... girl.....that woman is out for your man.

Meeting her mother?!

She is dating your husband right in your face. If your DH can't see that, then you need to put your foot down.

This is no friend to you, trust me.

Double Ditto. Had a similar thing happen with a friend of mine who decided it was a-ok to hang out alone with my DH while I was at work. I finally put my foot down when she invited him in to look at her apartment without me. She never really saw it my way after that. It was more like, "How could you think I would do that?" But, still there are boundaries between friend and husbands and vice versa.

For me, even though I knew nothing was going on, it was more about her understanding that my husband was no longer just my DBF but the father of my children and that there needed to be a certain distance there for me, and him, to feel comfortable.

Best of luck, and YES you should talk to your husband. I have found I get more accomplished with my DH when I phrase things like this, 'I know you aren't meaning for this to appear, sound, hurt, etc. this way...but..." It helps soften the tone. The more you accuse the more his hackles will rise.

 

[npmommie]

delilah, you do realize nurses make life easier for the doctors in a hospital???

 

[Scurvy]

I am a big believer in people having friends of the opposite sex. I have more guy friends that girl friends. However, those friendships changed after I got married. I don't spend time alone in private with other men now, and I don't plan anything with other men that my husband isn't also included in, if he wants to be. Not because my husband would have a problem with it - because he isn't the jealous type - but because I think it's innappropriate now. Your husband's relationship with this woman is not appropriate at all.

You are not overreacting! I would be especially upset about the wine thing. Is your husband usually this obtuse about things? Mine can be - he's totally an "engineer" type and sometimes misses emotional cues and the meanings behind things. I could see him not getting the importance of the wine, but once I told him it was important to me it would become important to him as well. He would never tell me that he didn't care who drank it once he knew it was a big deal to me.

If this is how your husband usually is, then he is probably just oblivious to the fact that his behavior is not appropriate for a married man. If this is out of character for him, then he might be too invested emotionally in the relationship with this woman. Either way, the behavior needs to change. I agree with the other posters that the woman seems to be trying to get too close to your husband, and you need to get him to put a stop to it.

 

[npmommie]

OP, I agree with what everyone has said, you need to stop this now and if your husband will not listen to how you feel about things, I would be rethinking how committed he is to the marriage.
He may be clueless or not, but he still needs to listen to how you feel about things.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Would her name happen to be Camilla Parker-Bowles? How would your DH feel if it were you and a man, who only got together when he was in work?

 

[Amy&Dan]

It would bother me. To me, that much time spent with another woman sounds like an emotional affair. And I agree, sometimes men are a bit slow to wake up to this sort of thing, but I think that woman knows full well this isn't about being a buddy with your dh.

I had a friend who this happned to. It went on for years. She at first claimed she was fine with it, but after awhile became very unhappy about it. It finally took an ultimatum from her and then when she and her husband went into some counseling, he came to realize how inapppriate it was. It took an outside party, who happened to be another man to make the light go on in his head. Although I'll go to my grave thinking he knew full well, on some level what was happening. He liked the attention and he liked playing with his wife's head. This woman by the way was completely in love with my friend's husband. It was obvious to pretty much everyone who knew them. I think initially my friend's husband thought of her as one of the guys. They liked to watch Star Trek together and they were both majoring in the same thing at college which being engineering was mostly men and a very few women in the program. Believe me, she was all female when it came to her feelings for my friend's hubby. He had to know it. And I think he took her feelings into consideration far more than his own wife's. He admitted he was wrong finally but in the end, he never really admitted how wrong.

I am not saying your husband is doing anything wrong, but then again, if it feels wrong to you, his wife, it probably is. That's a lot of time spent with a female friend in my book. And I am betting if you start hanging out with some guy, your dh will have a fit.

Give him the choice, you or her. And tell him when he's sitting on his butt watching tv with her or going grocery shopping, that is time spent away from what he needs to be doing: Getting a job!

The wine thing is beyond rude. This gal is playing chess with your marriage. Don't let her!

 

[Disney Doll]

She cleans houses, and is going to "nursing school". What she didn't realize, and I know, is that I am a physician, and earn about 2/3 of our family income. So, getting involved with him isn't her ticket to easy street. Actually, as a doctor, I could potentially make nursing a very difficult profession for her, if I were so inclined. Think working in the hospital where I admit patients. Bad news travels fast, and don't think I wouldn't share my experiences with coworkers (I already have, but haven't named names).

Good luck opening your husband's eyes.

Doctors must wield a lot of power in your hospital.
In my hospital, most of the doctors are the ones fooling around, so one "reporting" bad behavior would be laughable, or at the very garner a reaction of "So? , who cares?".

Plus, in hospitals, doctors aren't nurses bosses. They are their collegaues. There is a chain of command for nurses, and it doesn't include doctors. And any hospital worth its salt would tell any employee or associate not to bring their personal life to work.

That being said...

I have a few thoughts for you, OP:
~If it is making you uncomfortable, you should speak to your DH about it immediately.
~If you speak to your DH & tell him clearly that you are uncomfortable with the relationship and it needs to change, he needs to listen to you. I have been married for 17 years. If my DH told me that a relationship that I was having with a male friend/colleague made him uncomfortable, I would move heaven and earth to do everything in my power to make him comfortable. If that meant cooling or ending the relationship, I would do so, because it is not a request DH would make lightly, to ask me to end a friendship, so if he made it, it would mean he felt it was wholly and truly justified. There should be nothing more important to DH than the state of your marriage.
~There are many danger zones in this scenario: A man with a bruised ego over a job loss who has a lot of free time, a woman willing to massage that ego and pay him lots of attention, a wife who is tired and possibly a bit cranky because she has been working overtime, a wife who he is seeing less of because she is working overtime, while he is seeing more of "friend".
~Let's give men credit where credit is due. They aren't stupid. This business of "my husband has no clue"...I don't believe it. They have a clue. It just works better for them to pretend they don't have a clue so they can get the attention of wife and girlfriend while pretending to be innocent.
~His lack of consideration for your feelings is annoying me, so I don't know how you are dealing with it.

I would tell my husband that the relationship needs to change immediately. If he bucks you, I think you have a pretty good idea of where you stand in importance in his life, and then you have some decisions to make from there.

 

[bellebud]

i didn't read the entire thread, but let me get this straight... you're employed, your dh is *unemployed*, but has time on his hands to hang around with another *unemployed* woman, without you. Boy, is it just me, or is this almost laughable?!? Oh, and they both have money to go to the movies together, but they're both *unemployed*? Geez, no wonder our country is in the shape it's in.

Seriously OP, when I say it's almost laughable, I'm not laughing AT you, but this sounds way beyond 'normal'. Are you paying for them to go to the movies? Come on! Tell your darling new dh to get off his bottom and stop wasting time w/ his *friend*, and to go DO something for goodness sakes!

I have to say I feel very sorry for you - this is no way to start off a marriage and a life together. You sound too good for him. Sorry if this is harsh, but I honestly can't believe someone old enough to be married (your dh) sees this as ok. And I'm talking everything - hanging out w/ another woman while you, his new wife, is at work, supporting him. Not being out looking for a job, or just working doing absolutely anything to make a few bucks. Does he have any pride?

I hope this all works out ok for you in the end, but I honestly don't see it. Good luck to you.

 

[live4christp1]

Maybe tell him that it really doesn't look good for appearance sake......don't know what size town/area you live in but in our town all the tongues would be wagging even if there was nothing going on.

 

[amyhughes]

If you haven't already, and yes this is a snarky last ditch effort, get a separate checking account for your pay check to go in so that it is just in your name. So, if he wants to go to the movies or out with his "friend" it's on her dime all the time (which may mover her out of the picture once things aren't so easy) or he has to ask you for the money. Most guys I know would rather die than ask a woman for money, and that may speed the process of him getting a new job or starting the hunt.

**Of course it needs to be done with finesse, lest it backfire and he accuse you of being controlling etc. I would say that since I am working now, I wanted to be more in control of my finances so that the bills are staying under control at present until he is gainfully employed. It could wound his ego a bit, be warned, esp. if he is a "what's yours is mine" kind of spouse.**

But, like hell I would pay for my DH to go on a date with another woman.

 

[AJ102]

If it bothers you, it's a problem. On the other hand, my husband has some very close female friends that he goes to all kinds of activities with-- football games and such. I know the women and it's just innocent fun. I'm glad he has friends. If the shoe were on the other foot, DH would be very unhappy, though.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

This scenario makes me very uncomfortable. I have experienced first-hand what happens when you don't nip something like this in the bud, and maybe you and he should even get counseling. I'm sure I will get flamed for this, saying it is an extreme reply, but this is a very serious issue within the OP's marriage. If someone has never experienced infidelity, they may be more inclined to blow it off and say,"let him have his friends", but once you have been down that hellish road, you can see the RED FLAGS WAVING in the wind from miles away, which is what I see here.

He should respect YOUR feelings and your wishes! WTH! This is a very serious threat to your marriage, in my opinion. Something I have dealt with and educated myself about, and the signs are impossible to ignore for me.

Please update us with the situation! Infidelity is a soul-destroyer.

"SYMC Definition of Infidelity

Infidelity is the breaking of any one or more of the covenants of marriage between the partners of the marriage.

These covenants bind the partners to standards of behavior which protect and nurture the partners within the marriage and therefore the marriage itself.

Any breaking of the covenants of the marriage may be considered an unfaithful act which is harmful and even destructive to the entity of marriage.

We must, therefore, speak to infidelity on a multitude of levels: sexual, emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual.."

This is a quote from a website called Save Your Marriage Central.

I expect to get some people bashing the H*LL out of me for going to the extreme on this, but this is one thing I know too much about and would even risk looking like a zealot just to save one person the agony of this kind of situation. Take care, R

No flames here at all. Just hugs!

Once trust is lost then it is impossible to ever rebuild it 100%. Anyone that says otherwise is lying to themselves.

And I agree with the PP that said to trust your Spidey sense.

 

[AJ102]

and now apparently they're planning on going to see a movie.....with her mother. i'm beginning to think she has a crush on DH and doesn't really know how to act since he's married.

OK, I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, but are you sure the chick's mother is coming along to the movie and that's not just a cover story? It just doesn't sound believable.

I think it's time to draw a line.

 

[diznygirl]

You say it much nicer than I would!

Believe me, Plan A is to be nice. Plan B is to rip him a new one!

After reading this, I have to say... girl.....that woman is out for your man.

Meeting her mother?!

She is dating your husband right in your face. If your DH can't see that, then you need to put your foot down.

This is no friend to you, trust me.

It DOES sound like she is dating your husband! OP - good luck with everything. Hopefully your DH is just clueless and nothing is going on.