Wondering about sibling relationships...

[Disney_1derland]

In your experience as a sibling yourself or with your own children do you think that a Sibling bond is automatic or is it something a parent must go out of their way to nurture?

I am an only child, so the sibling experience is new to me. I have two girls ages 4 & 2 and I see a healthy loving relationship between the two of them, even though they have their roughspots, they are pretty easily gotten over.

My question comes from a few points of view, the dynamic is new to me so often I turn to dh who has several sibs and ask him what he thinks, his perspectives are VERY different from mine. I also have friends who, it seems to me, are literally driving wedges between their children by favoring one over another. And on a completely opposite side I have a friend who insists I *must* forge the bond between my children forcefully by telling them things such as "No matter what in life, even when mommy and daddy are gone, you will always have your sister, so you'd better love her and treat her well no." (No way I would ever say that to my kids who would get lost long about the time they heard 'mommy and daddy gone' and go hysterical)

So, what do you do for your kids, or what did you parents do for you to help your sibling relations along?

 

[jrydberg]

Never really needed anything to help things along.

 

[Tiger Fan]

While I do think parents can play a role in their children's relationships, I feel more strongly that the children have the deciding factor. I have 2 sisters and while we have all had our moments I am very close to both of them. However, my 2 sisters are not that close to each other. I am 12 years older than my youngest sister and we have a more mother/daughter relationship at times, while my middle sister and I (4 years apart) are much more sisterly. They are 8 years apart and have always had difficulty. My middle sister would tell you that she feels my mother has driven a wedge between them, but I just don't buy that (I've witnessed their whole relationship) and I think it's a cop out. Sibling issues alone could keep most therapists in business , but I feel it's more up to the sibs to make it work. My DD unfortunately will not have that option - I had always wanted 2 girls, but it's not to be.
Lisa
Tiger Fan

 

[Missy1961]

I have 3 sisters and 2 brothers. I don't remember my parents doing anything specific to help us bond. Maybe the fact that a bunch of us are close in age helped.

It sounds to me like your daughters are developing a nice sibling relationship!

 

[Jenn Lynn]

I have a Sister who is 2 years younger than me and a Brother who is 4 years younger than me. I think it depends on the kids. We were close when we were young (played together fine). When we got into the teenage years my Sister and I did not like each other. Well, probably more like she really looked up to me and wanted to be me, and I found her VERY annoying. She would steal my clothes and things and then lie about it when I couldn't find them. With my Brother I just think there was that age gap and I just didn't have time for him. He was much closer with my Sister.

Now, my Sister and I are friends although I think our friendship is pretty much about our kids which is fine. I talk to my Brother once in a while to keep in touch, but we still are not super close. We would all be there for each other if something happened though. I should mention that we all live in different states.

 

[snoopy]

"No matter what in life, even when mommy and daddy are gone, you will always have your sister, so you'd better love her and treat her well no." (No way I would ever say that to my kids who would get lost long about the time they heard 'mommy and daddy gone' and go hysterical)

I've always stressed this to my kids, with perhaps not mentioning the part about Mommy and Daddy being "gone". I just want my boys to know that blood is thicker than water, and when friends go home, at the end of the day they will always have each other. I honestly don't know if I would have survived the death of my parents had it not been for my siblings, not to mention other traumatic events in my life. My siblings are my best friends and I hope my boys are lucky enough to have that same sort of close relationship.

 

[TimeforMe]

My MIL is constantly pitting her kids against each other in a passive-aggressive way. The result is that none of them are exceptionally close and all have resentments to one another. I have no idea why she does this. My DH is the youngest of 5 and her "favorite" which really sits well with the others.

My 2 are close in age and now that they are both teenagers (15 and 16) have a really sweet relationship that has developed nicely. Of course, ds teases dd mericlessly but she knows how to handle him. We've always made a conscious effort not to show any type of favoritism (they're both my favorites for different reasons) and not put them in competition with each other.

 

[NMAmy]

Tiger Fan are you my older sister? I'm the middle sister--my older sister and I get along wonderfully--I haven't spoken to my younger sister in 2 years. My mom definitely favors my youngest sister and it's caused a lot of trouble between us--plus the fact that she's just plain mean. I've overlooked it over the years but it got to the point that it was better just to stop contact.

 

[Crankyshank]

I think it depends on the dynamics of each family and the age difference between the siblings.

There are 4yrs 10mos between each of us. I am the eldest. There really isn't much of a relationship between myself and my brother. A lot of it has to do with my resentment - both of my siblings are blatantly favored, especially my brother. I have a much better relationship with my sister (almost 10yrs younger) now because the older she gets, the more we have in common.

 

[jrmasm]

that blood is thicker than water, and when friends go home, at the end of the day they will always have each other.

Yeah my mom told me this too. Guess what? She was wrong. In a crisis, I would never call one of my siblings, I would call a life long friend.

I'm not sure why some siblings get along great and othes don't.

 

[bballmom56]

My brother and I (he's 4yrs. 9 mos. older than me) get along, but we don't have much in common. We are two very different people. We see each other at Christmas, Thanksgiving, and when he comes to visit our mother who lives with me (about 4 times a year) and he only lives about an hour away.

My children (daughter 4 yrs. 9 mos. older than son) are much closer, even though they are really very different. They have seen the relationship between my brother and me, and I've always told them I hope they can be closer than we were. They know we work with each of them as individuals and do what is necessary for each. DD is into horses and we have spent a lot of time and money on that. DS is into 4 wheelers, computers, and basketball and that's where our attention is focused. They respect their differences. They are much closer now than when they were younger and I really enjoy watching them together. DD will be 21 and DS just turned 16. She is his biggest cheerleader and goes to all his bball games when she's home from college. She never used to care that much when he was younger. Maybe it's because he plays varsity now and it's more exciting, who knows!? I'm just very thankful for it!

 

[mickeyboat]

My DD's are 4 and 5 and started Pre-K together this year. They don't really need help with forging a bond, they get along fairly well, but I do go out of my way to help them realize how lucky they are to have one another. (I have two brothers, and I always wanted a sister).

I tell them that they will always have one another (but in the present tense or very near future): to ride the bus together, to share clothes with, to play with, to comfort and aid one another when mom and dad aren't there - or when they are mad at us. I don't sit them down and lecture them about it, I just comment when I see it happening, to reinforce it for them.

Denae

 

[cgcw]

And on a completely opposite side I have a friend who insists I *must* forge the bond between my children forcefully by telling them things such as "No matter what in life, even when mommy and daddy are gone, you will always have your sister, so you'd better love her and treat her well no."

I don't tell my kids that we are going to die, but I do stress to them that when they grow up and have families of their own, they are still going to have each other and be brothers forever.

I come from a family who was very close until my Dad passed away 24 years ago. Then we fell apart. It has taken all of these years and the death of one of my brothers and another yone of my brothers being committed to a state facility to make us realize that we are a family and need to work HARD at being one. Within the last couple of months, we worked together to have a surprise party for our mothers 80th birthday. As part of that, my 2 sisters and I went out to lunch together -- a first in all of our years (I'm 43 and the youngest girl). It was actually fun and we look forward to doing it again. In fact, we're entertaining ideas of going on a Disney cruise together.

There are 5 years between my DS's. It's a lot when they are 5 & 10. But, I found out this past weekend that they do have a bond -- even though they fight like cats & dogs. DH took DS4 camping this weekend, DS10 was home with me. As soon as DS10 came home from school, he asked when they were going to be home, commented about how quiet the house was, kept coming to me to talk, definately out of sorts. DS10 even admitted that not only did his miss his dad, but his brother too. Then DH & DS4 come home Sunday. DH tells me that during the drive on Friday to the camp place, DS4 commented that he wished DS10 was still 9 because when he was 9 he still went camping with them. It touched our hearts to know they are truly brothers and have in their own way bonded.

 

[debloco]

I have one sister, and we are not close. There are several reasons for this. First, we have very different personalities. Second, yes-the way my mother parented each of us contributed a great deal to our difficulties. My mother and I have talked about this issue many times and she understands and accepts responsiblity for her part in helping to create the unhealthy dynamic between me and my sister. I understand and accept that my mom did the best she knew how. If she had known better, I believe she would have done better. Third, I would be very open to building a better relationship with my sister now. But due to where she is emotionally, psychologically, and at her current level of maturity I don't see that we would be successful. Again, something my mother admits and agrees with. And she also realizes that the way my sister is now is partly due to how she choose to parent her and what her expectations of my sister were.
So yes, I believe parents have a responsibility to get their own "stuff" together and parent well. Part of parenting well means managing the sibling relationships (as much as is your part) so as not to breed resentment/bitterness. You can't change your kids basic personality, but parents can play a big part in how that sibling relationship develops.
And I'll go one step further(and risk starting a debate or getting flamed) and say that if you don't know how to do that, find out. It's part of your job and responsibility as a parent. Check out or buy some books, talk to a counselor, whatever.

 

[missypie]

When your children are adults, they will decide how much they want to have to do with their siblings, based on what kind of person the sibs have turned out to be. I have one sister and we were pretty close (even though I was the good one and she was the rebel). As an adult, she's chronically unemployed or underemployed, always in a crises. She only calls me when she needs something, which makes me want to have little to do with her.

DH's father had one brother and they weren't close, so he decided that the way to make his 4 kids be close is to give them money on the condition that they invest it together. THAT'S ABOUT THE DUMBEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN ANYBODY DO. Enough said.

 

[JVL1018]

I have 2 brothers, one 3 years older, one 2 years younger and we are close..I am closer to my little brother though, I'd say he was one of my best friends.

All 3 of us adore each other and much of that is due to my parents. My Mom was forever telling us to never treat a friend better than we treat each other.
Don't get me wrong, we fought often when we were kids, but we knew we were a unit. To this day I still feel that way.

I am very very lucky, and I think my insistence on never having only one child is all due to how great my relationship with my brothers is. I want my kids to enjoy knowing that they have a friend for life, that there is someone there who knew exactly what it was to have me for a Mom,to grow up in this house, to have a lifetime of memories together. No one can give that to you but a sibling.

I truly believe the greatest gift my kids have is each other...even if they don;t think so just yet. LOL

 

[chrissyk]

My sister and I have a good relationship. We have our ups and downs, but we always work it out. My parents play no role in our relationship with each other as adults, and really didn't even when we were kids. It's none of their business and they know it! They are wise to stay out of it.

My DH, on the other hand, has a demon-spawn of a sister. She's a druggie loser who caused countless problems for him and his parents during childhood. My MIL is one of those "you must forgive because she's family" kind of people. She tried to force my DH to "have a relationship" with SIL. He didn't want it, MIL wouldn't stop pushing, and eventually MIL pushed DH right out of her own life What I learned from this is that people should respect their children's boundaries. Just because you gave birth to or adopted all of your children does not mean that they are meant to "have a relationship" with each other. It's GREAT when it does work out (speaking from experience), but it's understandable when it doesn't. A parent cannot force a sibling relationship that one (or more) siblings do not want. Besides, a sibling relationship (or lack thereof) is just that...between the SIBLINGS.

 

[Happy Homeschooler]

I think it has alot to do with parenting. When I was growing up, there really was no "family" in my family, if you know what I mean. We were always off, doing our own things, and never spent much time together just enjoying each other. As a result, our relationships as adults are awkward. There's no resentment or anything; I just feel like we're strangers.
I definately think family time is important in instilling that bond, even if they fight sometimes.

What I learned from this is that people should respect their children's boundaries. Just because you gave birth to or adopted all of your children does not mean that they are meant to "have a relationship" with each other. It's GREAT when it does work out (speaking from experience), but it's understandable when it doesn't. A parent cannot force a sibling relationship that one (or more) siblings do not want. Besides, a sibling relationship (or lack thereof) is just that...between the SIBLINGS.

I agree here. When there's an obvious problem, then that's different. But, that makes me wonder if it's a parental thing, too. (Why did the sister end up so messed up?) I think encouraging children to spend time as a family is one thing, but pushing adult siblings to be closer is just useless.

 

[Beth76]

I have one sister (5 years older) and we never got along growing up. We were just completely different and had nothing in common. Part of the reason is that my sister ended up being more of a parent to me than a sibling. Not that my parents weren't around to do their jobs, but I guess she felt it was her "job" to make sure I did the right thing, or whatever. I could never go to her with a problem because I knew she would run right to my parents. Almost like she was on some sort of power trip. She always felt like she had all this experience and would advise me with her infinite wisdom, just because she was older.

We get along much better now, mostly because we have children the same age. She's mellowed out now. I think because I'm more in my element with raising kids, than she is. I still don't really consider her a great friend though. We have a good sisterly relationship.

My two boys are 3 years apart and so far get along great. My older son loves his baby brother and my younger son adores his big brother. I try to get them to do things together, as much as they can. I also suggest to my older one that he help me with stuff for the baby. I try to include him with lots of stuff like diaper changing, feeding, dressing. And I'll say "Thank you for helping me get Quinn dressed, he just loves it when you help". I don't really see this as helping them form a bond, just teaching them to be courteous.

 

[remyandhollandsmommy]

I think both can be a deciding factor. I only have my girls to observe. When Holly was born and a friend asked Remy how it felt to be a big sister her reply was, "She belongs to me." That was the answer out of the mouth of a five year old and they bonded right away. Their relationship has been fun to watch. Now that Holly is a little older she really is attached to her older sister. They are alot alike in personality and they do have the regular sibling "issues" which I tend to help them work out. Funny thing though is Holly refuses to say Remy's name. I think she says sis, but I can't be sure yet LOL. One thing she does do is everytime she hears the word 'Remy' she makes the face in my siggy picture. She can be in the middle of babbling and hear 'Remy' and she will pause, make that face (raspberry) then continue 'talking'. Hopefully they keep a good relationship throughout the years.