Wondering about sibling relationships...

[eeyore0062]

I was 5 when DB was born. He was the 1st boy in many generations on my mom's side (read old school Italian) and all I ever heard was how "wonderful" he was. The bond between us needed much help , and wasn't helped with all of the attention he got due to his "status" in the family. I think it is all in how it is handled with the older sibling. If the sibling is made to feel left out, inferior, or ignored, you may have problems. Things got better as we got older. However, if the sibling is included and made to feel just as important in the role of older sister/brother, the bond will be formed and life for everyone will be much easier. We only have one child and don't plan on any more, so that isn't a problem with us.

 

[chrissyk]

I agree here. When there's an obvious problem, then that's different. But, that makes me wonder if it's a parental thing, too. (Why did the sister end up so messed up?) I think encouraging children to spend time as a family is one thing, but pushing adult siblings to be closer is just useless.

Who knows why she ended up so messed up. I think that there is really something wrong with her mentally, and she is self-medicating with the illegal drugs. I've seen her get very verbally abusive to my MIL, throwing things and screaming She is just not all there. Maybe there were parenting problems, but I don't really see how...they did a pretty darned good job with my DH! Oddly, my in-laws are not blind to their daughter's problems. They simply feel that DH should suck it up and tolerate his sister's unpredictable, abusive behavior, though, because "they're family". They've made it a dealbreaker...either he sucks it up and has this "relationship," or else he can't come to this or that family function. That's just messed up! You can't force your kids to be close, no matter how badly you may wish that you could.

All of this has soured me and DH on having more than 1 child. If we do want 2, we are going to have one and then adopt another one MANY years down the road, so it will be like having 2 onlies. I honestly feel like my good relationship with my sister is the exception, rather than the rule.

 

[Crankyshank]

In DH's sister's case, she's messed up because of family issues. She was molested by her grandfather (both of DH's sisters were) and was very young when MIL had her nervous breakdown and found religion. That had a huge effect on how MIL parented her and I really think it messed with her self-esteem and caused her to get involved with abusive men.


eeyore0062 - My brother is my Italian Grandmother's eldest grandson born just under 5yrs after me. I can so relate!

 

[Tasha+Scott]

Well, I am the oldest. The second oldest is my brother and there is only 2 1/2 years between us. We did not need any help in bonding. It was as natural as breathing and we are still very close today. Although I will admit we did fight a lot when we were little. There is 9 years between my other brother and me. We are not quite as close but still have a good relationship. Again, no bonding help needed from my parents. My 2 little half-sisters are 15 years and 17 years younger than me. I rarely see them but am absolutely crazy about them. It is a different type of relationship since they are still so young, but I feel bonded to them as well. I think it was always just a natural thing with all of my siblings, but I do feel closer to my brother that is closest in age to me. We can relate more and have more memories of growing up together than I do with my other siblings. That is why I am hoping to have all of my kids only a few years apart from each other...hoping that will help them to stay close as they get older.

 

[Tiger Fan]

Tiger Fan are you my older sister?

LOL - sounds like maybe we are
Lisa
Tiger Fan

 

[Becky2005]

I'm going to go with it just depends on the age difference, the dynamics, etc... My sister is 6 years older than me, so we aren't really close but definitely keep in touch, get along fine when she visits & have a good time. She lives in another state than I do, got married at 19 and moved out of state I think by the time she was 20 and has lived out of state until this day (various states), I was still in High School when she moved, so obviously we wouldn't be as close as siblings that lived together, etc...

My brother is 3 years older and we played together more. He lives locally and we are closer than my sister & I but I think proximity has a lot to do with it. Much easier to hang out for holidays, kids' birthday parties, etc... when you only live within 20-30 minutes of each other.

I don't remember my parents doing anything in particular (as a matter of fact, I remember my brother & I being rather pesky to each other growing up at times! ROFL!!! I also remember being the youngest that I was a pest to my sister when she had friends over. What was funny is my best friend is an "oldest" and her little sister would be a pest to us but it never really bothered ME but drove my friend insane! - They get along fine now!).

I have 4 kids and my oldest 2 at the moment, get on each other's nerves but DD adores the 5 year old and the "baby" but I know the age gap will be big as there is a 10 year age difference between the oldest & youngest - so when she turns 20, he will be 9 1/2. It will be a completely different dynamic between those 2 and the 2 younger ones who are only 3 years apart!

 

[totalia]

I don't know really. I just naturally developed a relationship with my sister. Though we did fight alot when we were kids, we haven't fought in years. We may disagree with each other but we are close enough that we understand that we will be here for each other no matter what happens. Thats what family does.

 

[RitaZ.]

I've always stressed this to my kids, with perhaps not mentioning the part about Mommy and Daddy being "gone". I just want my boys to know that blood is thicker than water, and when friends go home, at the end of the day they will always have each other. I honestly don't know if I would have survived the death of my parents had it not been for my siblings, not to mention other traumatic events in my life. My siblings are my best friends and I hope my boys are lucky enough to have that same sort of close relationship.

I totally agree. I have done and said the same thing to my kids, I have seen them come together and help one another out. As for my siblings, two brothers, we get along well and are close. My husband often tells me how lucky I'm to have such great brothers. I can count on my brothers for anything and I want my kids to have that bond when they are adults.

As for what my parents did when I was growing up to instill a bond between us, I can't really think of anything specific.

 

[Disney Doll]

I agree with the idea that you can't force the issue. My DB and I are close insofar as we would be there for each other, but wee don't necessarily talk every day or even every week.

DH has 3 sisters...one is a nut, the other is a little quirky, the other is normal. Thank God the normal one lives close to us...the other 2 are out of town.

I do not agree with the noption that your family is more important than anything. I think there are times when family members will screw you worse than any friend could of think of doing.

 

[3gr8kids]

I am the youngest of 8 kids, 4 girls, 4 boys, my oldest 2 (sisters) are both 20 years older than me (Irish twins). I don't remember my Mom and Dad ever doing anything special regarding our relationships with each other, and I know despite the differences in age, we were all close and always looked out for one another and now as adults all with families of our own, we seem even closer, and all of our children are all close as well. With my 3 children, my oldest 2 (DD~14 and DD~8) look out for each other and get along GREAT, and both really take care of their little brother (DS~8 months). I think it's probably a combination of the two (nature vs. nurture) type thing. The only thing I try and instill in my kids is the fact that friends may come and go, but family is forever.

 

[PrincessaC]

my older brother and I are 4 years apart...and we naturally developed our relationship.. we are very very close..and my brother told me things he could never tell my parents...

As for my two ds's.. age 7 and 4 ... they are very very close..and it's not because of something I did.. it just came naturally... my oldest ds is very protective of my youngest...and takes care of him like a big brother should...don't get me wrong..they do have their fights every now and then... but it just makes me smile to think how gentle, caring, and loving he is towards my youngest......

And my youngest is just as caring to the oldest....he will share everything with the oldest...and is always concerned about older ds... it's sweet.. and makes me giggle just thinking about it...

 

[poohandwendy]

I think the best way to culture close sibling relationships is to create an atmosphere that is family oriented. I come from a family with 5 children, we are all very close as adults. Some of the things that I think contributed to that:

We ate dinner together almost every night.

We did almost everything as a family, watched TV, played games, vacationed (no excuses, we were expected to do things as a family) We laughed together alot.

We had open honest discussions, nothing was off limits to talk about. If one of us was getting the 'talk' whether it be about sex or grades or whatever, all of us were in attendance. I guess my mother thought we all could learn something.

We shared in the chores of the household and were expected to work together as a group.

Our parents were the authority and that was never questioned.

We were strongly encouraged to support each other and the basic theme in our house was that family matters, above all else.

We were not spoiled or favored. There were so many of us that there was no room for it being 'all about you', yet we were all valued. We were all accepted. We knew it. We were told.



That said, individual personalities play a large role too. We are all close, but some of us are closer than others due to where we are in life and common interests. But it basically is just known that you do not turn your back on each other. That is just not acceptable in my family.