Will DS12 ever forgive me if I force him to move?

[rowbear]

I did not “knock your parents”. I explained my parenting technique It is different from your parents.

You seem angry, bitter and very defensive. Perhaps it is because you were expected to "just deal"

How do you define success?

You called what they did mean and disrespectful. How is that not a knock? Shouldn't a person be angry if someone is speaking ill of his parents?

 

[hentob]

And yet throughout recorded history children have been used as farm and ranch hands as soon as they are old enough to ride a horse. 13 was once considered the age of maturity. You could fight in wars at 13.

Doesn't sound that fragile to me.

Things have changed--For the better

Children are no longer thought of as property. There are labor laws to protect children.

That is a good thing.

 

[Angelhalo]

I did not “knock your parents”. I explained my parenting technique It is different from your parents.

You seem angry, bitter and very defensive. Perhaps it is because you were expected to "just deal"

How do you define success?

 

[Angelhalo]

You called what they did mean and disrespectful. How is that not a knock? Shouldn't a person be angry if someone is speaking ill of his parents?

You knocked other people's parenting skills first and then got angry when you couldn't take what you were dishing out. Maybe not knocking other people's parenting styles to begin with would be the best option, then no one has need to get angry and defensive.

Clearly you think your parent's "deal with it" method was fabulous, but not all people feel that way. It doesn't mean that either way is right or wrong, they are just different.

 

[hentob]

You called what they did mean and disrespectful. How is that not a knock? Shouldn't a person be angry if someone is speaking ill of his parents?

Oh. Yes. If they disregarded/did not care about your feelings and told you to "just deal with it" when it came to major and traumatic life changes, your parents were INDEED mean and disrespectful people. That is an awful way to treat any human being.

I am sure you would agree, no?


I did not mean to knock them. I was just pointing out to you that most people don't operate that way when it comes to loved ones. Most parents strive to provide comfort and support to their children.

 

[hentob]

Hey!! Watch out!! We are coming your way next year

 

[rowbear]

You knocked other people's parenting skills first and then got angry when you couldn't take what you were dishing out. Maybe not knocking other people's parenting styles to begin with would be the best option, then no one has need to get angry and defensive.

Clearly you think your parent's "deal with it" method was fabulous, but not all people feel that way. It doesn't mean that either way is right or wrong, they are just different.

I didn't knock anyone. I asked a couple of questions because this seems so foreign to me I was curious as to what the thought process was. I can't imagine my mother or father ever worrying about me forgiving them for moving.

The thing about the "deal with it" plan is that it is largely how life works. We have so little real control over our lives that we more or less have to just deal with things as they come up. My opinions on moving didn't matter because it had to be done anyway so what is the point in trying to get me to "buy into" the move? It is not like we were going to stay there because of me.

 

[mill4023]

What a coincidence - one of the places I am interested in is Charlotte NC! I heard the economy is still pretty strong there. Do you agree with that observation?

I guess it's all relevant. Unemployment is high here, housing prices are low, and I know quite a few people who have lost their jobs. I'm a software developer and there do seem to be quite a few positions in my field, although most of them are contract jobs.

So I guess it's hard to say. A lot will depend on how well the banking industry recovers, but it's certainly not the only business in Charlotte.

But aside from the economy, which is bad pretty much everywhere, I really like the Charlotte area. We live in Indian Trail, just south of Charlotte in Union County, where taxes are lower and the schools are better. We're about 6 miles from the Charlotte city limits. Indian Trail actually just made the Family Circle list of the best 10 towns in the country for families. I'd agree with that. The schools are good, housing is very affordable, it has a very friendly small town feel, but it's close to a big city.

If you have any other questions about the Charlotte area, feel free to PM me. If you're in the market for a house, our next door neighbors is in foreclosure and it's now down to 225k. It's 3500 sq. ft. and 3 years old. Very nice.

 

[Angelhalo]

I guess it's all relevant. Unemployment is high here, housing prices are low, and I know quite a few people who have lost their jobs. I'm a software developer and there do seem to be quite a few positions in my field, although most of them are contract jobs.

So I guess it's hard to say. A lot will depend on how well the banking industry recovers, but it's certainly not the only business in Charlotte.

But aside from the economy, which is bad pretty much everywhere, I really like the Charlotte area. We live in Indian Trail, just south of Charlotte in Union County, where taxes are lower and the schools are better. We're about 6 miles from the Charlotte city limits. Indian Trail actually just made the Family Circle list of the best 10 towns in the country for families. I'd agree with that. The schools are good, housing is very affordable, it has a very friendly small town feel, but it's close to a big city.

If you have any other questions about the Charlotte area, feel free to PM me. If you're in the market for a house, our next door neighbors is in foreclosure and it's now down to 225k. It's 3500 sq. ft. and 3 years old. Very nice.

We're in Indian Trail too and my Husband is a developer. Small World!

 

[Disney Doll]

OP, if you think you area will be "OK" for another 5 years or so, till your DS graduates from HS, I would probably recommend staying until he graduates and then thinking about a move.

However, if you truly think that your family's well-being will be severely compromised by staying where you are, then you need to explain why you need to move to your DS and allow him his feelings of being sad, angry, worried, scared etc.

You can still make the decision as a parent that "while I understand this distresses you greatly, these are the reasons we have to do it for the benefit of our entire family".

 

[Angelhalo]

Hey!! Watch out!! We are coming your way next year

Oh yeah! Winston Salem area? Or was it Burlington?

 

[hentob]

My opinions on moving didn't matter because it had to be done anyway so what is the point in trying to get me to "buy into" the move?

But to say "deal with it"


I would sit with my child and remind them that I know this is scary and a big change I would assure them that I would be there for them and discuss what would make the transition better for them I would talk about their feelings

I would not look at my child and say “We are moving. Deal with it.” Who speaks to their children like that during a major life change

Now if they dared to complain that they got a cherry lollipop at the bank instead of a grape…well, you will most likely hear me say “Deal with it!”

 

[rowbear]

Oh. Yes. If they disregarded/did not care about your feelings and told you to "just deal with it" when it came to major and traumatic life changes, your parents were INDEED mean and disrespectful people. That is an awful way to treat any human being.

I am sure you would agree, no?


I did not mean to knock them. I was just pointing out to you that most people don't operate that way when it comes to loved ones. Most parents strive to provide comfort and support to their children.

But your style of parenting is still relatively new. My parents style has been used for most of recorded history. How is it you can say they treated me poorly? If I could go back in time I would not change a single thing because I might not have turned out the way I have. I was a classic seen and not heard child.

 

[hentob]

Oh yeah! Winston Salem area? Or was it Burlington?

You pick Still deciding.

Our new love is Clemmons

 

[Angelhalo]

You pick Still deciding.

Our new love is Clemmons

Heehee Ok I pick Indian Trail!

Clemmons....hmmm...I recognize the name but don't know anything about the area.

 

[blissventure]

When DH and I both finish school, in about a year and a half, we are quite sure we want to sell our house and leave the area. There is nothing for us here as far as jobs go. The city is going downhill fast, as is the county. We both work for the county in different departments, so we know just how bad it really is. When the economy was good, there were very few good paying jobs in our area, and now of course, it's worse than ever.

We also have a very harsh winter climate that we are ready to leave once and for all. We've both lived in northern MN almost all our lives, and the older we get, the longer the winters seem (and we're only 36!).

So, DH and I are both all for moving to somewhere with a better economy and a better climate. We've got several ideas in mind of places we'd like to look at, but we're waiting until next summer to start seriously looking.

The problem is, my 12 year old son really loves it here. He loves his friends and his school, and he always has, all the way through. He is quite insistent that he doesn't want to move anywhere, ever. DH and I, on the other hand, dislike the school district very much - ever since we got a new superintendent, it's going downhill fast! We're paying almost half a billion tax dollars (80,000 population and shrinking fast) for all new schools/improved schools throughout the district, and almost NOBODY in the city wants it to be happening the way it is. We never got a chance to vote on it. The same superintendent already tried to do this in another school district and it was a miserable failure!

My point is, I have NO problem getting my son out of the school district, but I will feel so terrible for taking him out of the school he loves and away from the friends he loves, and throwing him into a whole new environment. I think this is a tricky age as it is, without having to deal with things like a big move to a strange city, especially when I know he doesn't want to do it at all!

To make matters worse, I recently read an article about how too many moves can increase the risk of teen suicide. That didn't make me feel any better about doing it.

So if you've gotten this far, I really appreciate your time. I could really use some advice/thoughts/ideas about this - especially if you've been through a similar situation.

PS: just wanted to add, he is quite familiar with living in other areas. The first four years of his life were spent living in Louisiana, and he goes there for at least six weeks every summer to be with his dad. So it's not that he doesn't know anywhere else.... he just really loves it here.

You've gotten a variety of opinions, here's mine. First, for adults who are still having issues with family moves during childhood, it might be time for a bit of therapy to help with letting go.

There is obviously a middle ground between basically letting children or teens make the decision, and just ordering them around. I'm big on the middle area.

Your son is only 12. It's probably not a good idea to approach this move with a lot of anxiety and guilt. He will feel it, and that's not healthy for either of you.

We had to move when our son had just completed his first semester of his junior year in high school. I kept him in the loop as the plans evolved, first, letting him know it was a possibility, and then when it was a sure thing being open with him about our plans as they evolved. I promised him that I would do everything I reasonably could to make this transition comfortable for him. In return, I asked him to work with me, trust me to find a school that wouldn't delay his high school graduation, and know that I was willing to go the extra mile if he was doing his best in school. He knew before we moved that I was budgeting for him to (if he wanted to) fly back to our old town that summer for 3 weeks. I made sure it was OK with the parents of his friends before we even moved. It helped him quite a bit to know that he'd see his friends in 6 months.
He did fly back that summer. He really appreciated it. I made the same offer for the next year.

If you can listen with empathy, but not baby too much I think it's best. Obviously, it's always better to start school in the fall.

Finally, I think sometimes kids are touched and a little surprised when you can reasonably go the (unexpected and special) extra mile for them. Respect in a family is a two way street.

 

[Angelhalo]

Finally, I think sometimes kids are touched and a little surprised when you can reasonably go the (unexpected and special) extra mile for them. Respect in a family is a two way street.

Well said. I remember my dad telling me when I was 10 years old, that respect has to be earned. By EVERYONE.

I knew that he was the dad and that what he said goes, but he also wanted me to know that he wanted me to respect him for being a decent human being, not just for being an old dude who made the rules.

 

[missypie]

To answer the original question, yes he will forgive you. But it might not be the best thing for him.

My parents moved us several times and at really boneheaded times of the school year. I stared a new 3rd grade class on MAY 1ST and a new 8th grade class on FEBRUARY 1st! Why did my parents not wait another month until the school year was done to move us? Why did my parents not wait until I was finished with 8th grade to move us? Looking back on it, I think they were foolish, but I don't hold it against them. They were young and didn't exercise the best judgment, but it's nothing that I harbor ill will about - it's more of a head scratching "what were they thinking?"

I don't adjust easily to change. I never felt really at home, didn't have long term friendships, never had relatives or long time family friends in town. But I did well in school.

Here is the consequence of our moving around when I was a kid: I have had the same job since 1985. I have lived in the same house since 1986. My kids will be in the same school district K-12 and will never have moved.

 

[hentob]

If you can listen with empathy, but not baby too much I think it's best. Obviously, it's always better to start school in the fall.

Finally, I think sometimes kids are touched and a little surprised when you can reasonably go the (unexpected and special) extra mile for them. Respect in a family is a two way street.

Beautiful.

I LOVED your post

 

[rowbear]

But to say "deal with it"


I would sit with my child and remind them that I know this is scary and a big change I would assure them that I would be there for them and discuss what would make the transition better for them I would talk about their feelings

I would not look at my child and say “We are moving. Deal with it.” Who speaks to their children like that during a major life change

Now if they dared to complain that they got a cherry lollipop at the bank instead of a grape…well, you will most likely hear me say “Deal with it!”

I guess this is where we both look at each other crossways because I wasn't raised in a way that I would be scared or need to discuss feelings. From the get-go my father raised me to be a man so even at 11 I was self-confident and self-reliant. A new place to live and a new school was just a new challenge. You think I am joking but I am not. I was also a rock when it came to peer pressure. No one could ever get me to do something I did not want to do.

ETA: At 12 I was expected to get up and cook my own breakfast before going to school. I took care of my own laundry at that age and I started mowing neighbors' yards for spending money. I had a chore list a mile long.