Will DS12 ever forgive me if I force him to move?

[TwinsinCA]

My parents would have beat the snot out of me if I behaved that way.

Behaved WHAT way???

I didn't pretend to love the town, what would be the point? It would be a lie.

I was a good kid who never got into ANY trouble in high school. My parents had no reason to "beat the snot out of me".

 

[Angelhalo]

My parents would have beat the snot out of me if I behaved that way.

Behaved what way? The poster just moved back and went to college. First of all I don't condone beating "the snot" out of anyone, but more importantly, I don't see that the poster even did anything bad or wrong.

 

[mill4023]

We moved from Oregon to North Carolina 3 years ago.
For our family as a whole, it was absolutely the best decision.

Our girls made friends quickly because we moved into a neighborhood with lots of girls their age, including our next door neighbors.

For our son, who was 11 at the time, it was much harder. He had several good friends in Oregon and because he is not super outgoing, it took him a long time to make friends here. The first year or two were pretty tough. He was always talking about how much he hated it here and how he wanted to go back to Oregon. But then things changed. He's 14 now and it seems like every weekend, he's either off playing airsoft or Xbox with his friends, or they are at our house, spending the night.

So it wasn't easy at first, but we all adjusted and everyone is very happy now. I really think the key is to make sure that they have the opportunity to make new friends. Whether that means looking for a house in a neighborhood with lots of kids, or signing them up for sports, or other activities.

 

[hentob]

Behaved WHAT way???

I didn't pretend to love the town, what would be the point? It would be a lie.

I was a good kid who never got into ANY trouble in high school. My parents had no reason to "beat the snot out of me".

I was thankful for your honest reply.

Maybe rowbear was kidding? I hope

 

[rowbear]

I am sure you were traumatized and it breaks my heart to read your post. But I was thinking, at what point do children/teens make it harder on themselves? When does a child create a miserable situation? I am genuinely curious—Did you try to make friends?

Did your parents get you involved in sports? Activities?

My children are very active in Scouts. I am thinking that a new troop will be a great place for them to make friends when we move. Also, we are big Community Pool people. My children love to swim. They also enjoy tennis, so we are looking for subdivisions that have courts. I don’t know how they can’t make friends. They are outgoing and happy children. Am I living in a dream world thinking they will adjust and life will move on?

I figure they will have to make new friends when they go to college, so this will be a great start.

I am trying to stay positive about the move. I am actually shocked (and scared) by all of the negative moving stories on this thread

Don't you think it is just as harmful to treat a child like they are fragile? What happens later in life when things don't go their way? I was moved at 11 and it was never in the cards for me to be upset over it. I was expected to deal with it and I did. I am not sure why everyone thinks that style of parenting is wrong because it was used for a very long time with great results. Suffice it to say I was mature at 20. I have never believed I was entitled to anything I haven't worked for. However, almost everyone I have hired right out of college in recent years have been HORRIBLE workers.

 

[TwinsinCA]

I am sure you were traumatized and it breaks my heart to read your post. But I was thinking, at what point do children/teens make it harder on themselves? When does a child create a miserable situation? I am genuinely curious—Did you try to make friends?

Did your parents get you involved in sports? Activities?

They tried. I did a few things but never found something I really enjoyed doing.

I DID have friends, several good ones in fact. One I met the first day of 8th grade and I just spoke to her last week. We've been friends for 26 years. But it didn't change the fact that I hated where we lived and I got out as soon as I was able. Some places are just "home" and some just never will be.

 

[Angelhalo]

Young teens and high schoolers are working on breaking away from their families, and their friends and peers are their support system and their confidantes. They are the most important people each others' lives. Looking back maybe your high school best friend doesn't seem that important to you now, but how did you feel back then?

As far as activities go, I found that it was tough when I moved to get involved - especially in sports. I moved from a very small high school to a very large one in 10th grade, and the kids in the large school were much better at sports than I was. I was cut from the basketball and softball teams - which ended an avenue for me where I could have made friends.

Ditto to all of this.

I think that was one of the things that made it so hard for me is that I DID try to make friends. I joined multiple activities, and ended up enjoying the activities, but never really made any friends out of it no matter how hard I tried. I just think it is too hard to move into a new high school. Especially in a slightly smaller town. Everyone knew each other already and I mean literally since birth or preschool. They all already had their best friend situations worked out. I ended up finding one little group of girls who were nice to me, and I spent most of my in school time with them, but we really had nothing in common with each other. They were just the only ones who would talk to me. I was friendly and outgoing, and participated in many activities, but it just didn't help by that point. The other kids were just already too tight with each other.

It eventually got better around the middle of my junior year. To this day, I doubt many of them outside my tiny group would even know my name, but it certainly wasn't for my lack of trying.

I just really missed the people who knew me and loved me. We had gone through lost teeth, first kisses, sleepovers, first dances, scouting, etc together and all of the sudden in one fell swoop they were all gone.

LOL, people always say they wish they could be in High School again because your teen years are the best years of your life. I say NO THANKS!

 

[hentob]

I was expected to deal with it and I did.

We really don't parent that way. We have always respected and considered the opinions of our children, even though we do not always agree with them.

I want them to be comfortable with the move. They understand that we have to relocate and they have accepted it

But what they think does matter to us. Their feelings matter to us. I would never say "just deal with it" That seems mean and disrespectful

 

[Luv2Scrap]

We moved from Oregon to North Carolina 3 years ago.
For our family as a whole, it was absolutely the best decision.

Our girls made friends quickly because we moved into a neighborhood with lots of girls their age, including our next door neighbors.

For our son, who was 11 at the time, it was much harder. He had several good friends in Oregon and because he is not super outgoing, it took him a long time to make friends here. The first year or two were pretty tough. He was always talking about how much he hated it here and how he wanted to go back to Oregon. But then things changed. He's 14 now and it seems like every weekend, he's either off playing airsoft or Xbox with his friends, or they are at our house, spending the night.

So it wasn't easy at first, but we all adjusted and everyone is very happy now. I really think the key is to make sure that they have the opportunity to make new friends. Whether that means looking for a house in a neighborhood with lots of kids, or signing them up for sports, or other activities.

What a coincidence - one of the places I am interested in is Charlotte NC! I heard the economy is still pretty strong there. Do you agree with that observation?

 

[mickeyboat]

Don't you think it is just as harmful to treat a child like they are fragile? What happens later in life when things don't go their way? I was moved at 11 and it was never in the cards for me to be upset over it. I was expected to deal with it and I did. I am not sure why everyone thinks that style of parenting is wrong because it was used for a very long time with great results. Suffice it to say I was mature at 20. I have never believed I was entitled to anything I haven't worked for. However, almost everyone I have hired right out of college in recent years have been HORRIBLE workers.

Personally I think it is more harmful to treat a child as if his or her feelings don't matter. My parents made the decision to move knowing I would be upset, but that didn't mean that my feelings were not valid, or that they didn't feel badly becaue I was upset.

I can't see how being concerned about your chid's emotional well-being creates and sense of entitlement.

 

[Angelhalo]

Don't you think it is just as harmful to treat a child like they are fragile? What happens later in life when things don't go their way? I was moved at 11 and it was never in the cards for me to be upset over it. I was expected to deal with it and I did. I am not sure why everyone thinks that style of parenting is wrong because it was used for a very long time with great results. Suffice it to say I was mature at 20. I have never believed I was entitled to anything I haven't worked for. However, almost everyone I have hired right out of college in recent years have been HORRIBLE workers.

I'm sorry what the heck are you talking about? First off children ARE fragile. Now that doesn't mean nothing sad should ever happen to them, but they are fragile. They undeveloped hence their status as children.

Second, the poster you are replying too, DID deal with it. They were sad, and they hated it, then when they were old enough they moved back to where they were happy. Sounds like dealing with it to me. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things. When we moved when I was 12, I had to deal with it. I did so by crying almost all the time. My parents couldn't "make" me be happy. I joined some groups and tried to make some friends and it didn't work. But I "dealt" with it.

And, what the heck does horrible workers have to do with anything? I was miserable when we moved, but I am a great employee, who is highly recommended. I finish all my work ahead of time, never arrive late, and receive honors from managers.

You say suffice it to say you were mature at your 20, but your posts don't sound that way

 

[JessicaR]

I think your son will be fine if you move; I'm pretty sure he'll be mad and think he'll never forgive you, but I bet it won't last long.

I agree. Children are resilient and they adjust easily for the most part.

 

[MushyMushy]

Don't you think it is just as harmful to treat a child like they are fragile? What happens later in life when things don't go their way? I was moved at 11 and it was never in the cards for me to be upset over it. I was expected to deal with it and I did. I am not sure why everyone thinks that style of parenting is wrong because it was used for a very long time with great results. Suffice it to say I was mature at 20. I have never believed I was entitled to anything I haven't worked for. However, almost everyone I have hired right out of college in recent years have been HORRIBLE workers.

There's a difference between treating kids like they're fragile and not allowing them to feel emotion!

I grew up with parents who didn't tolerate showing emotion and I won't do that to my kids, and I won't tell them to just "deal with it." We work through things together.

 

[rowbear]

We really don't parent that way. We have always respected and considered the opinions of our children, even though we do not always agree with them.

I want them to be comfortable with the move. They understand that we have to relocate and they have accepted it

But what they think does matter to us. I would never say "just deal with it" That seems mean and disrespectful

Um my parents have raised 2 children successfully and you have no idea if you will be successful until your children are out and leading good lives. So I don't think you should be knocking my parents.

 

[jd_mouse]

OP, if the schools are declining and the financial well being of your family could become dire, the way I see it, you MUST move. And no, I don't believe for a second that your son will "never forgive you."

My parents moved before I entered my senior year in High School. Was I mad? Yep. Was I scared? Yep. Did I hold it against my parents? Yep...for about a month. But it worked out GREAT for me (and my family). The schools were better, I learned to become more outgoing, and it served me well later in life as far as adjusting to different situations and making new friends.

My little sister was in 9th grade at the time, and she adjusted even more quickly than I did, and also feels that (while difficult at the time), it was not detrimental.

Kids are resilient. As parents, I think if we know its going to be difficult for them, we need to take an active role in helping them make the transition. Whether its having kids over, finding and joining sports/activities ~ I think the process can be eased a bit.

Good luck to all of you!

 

[Angelhalo]

What a coincidence - one of the places I am interested in is Charlotte NC! I heard the economy is still pretty strong there. Do you agree with that observation?

I would agree with that, especially in certain industries. The banking industry here took a hit, but even it isn't completely terrible.

There is lots of IT work here, and plenty of real estate work. I work in real estate and we are hiring about 5 agents per month.

 

[Angelhalo]

 

[hentob]

Um my parents have raised 2 children successfully and you have no idea if you will be successful until your children are out and leading good lives. So I don't think you should be knocking my parents.

I did not “knock your parents”. I explained my parenting technique It is different from your parents.

You seem angry, bitter and very defensive. Perhaps it is because you were expected to "just deal"

How do you define success?

 

[rowbear]

I'm sorry what the heck are you talking about? First off children ARE fragile. Now that doesn't mean nothing sad should ever happen to them, but they are fragile. They undeveloped hence their status as children.

And yet throughout recorded history children have been used as farm and ranch hands as soon as they are old enough to ride a horse. 13 was once considered the age of maturity. You could fight in wars at 13.

Doesn't sound that fragile to me.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I moved alot... my kids have moved almost as much as me.. (we are staying put now until my 4th grader graduates at least) but we all adjusted fine. If he's outgoing..he'll make friends. I'd do what is best for the family as a whole, not JUST what is best for you or JUST what is best for him....

Good Luck!