Why would a woman want to have an affair with a married man?

[NY Disney fan]

Mistakes happen, and I completely regret what I did. I expect to be flamed of course, but there probably isn't anything anyone can say that would make me feel worse about the situation than I already do. Fortunately, it was many years ago, and I rarely think about it, except of course when stuff like the Tiger Woods stuff pops up in the news.

What matters is that you realized the impact on all parties and that you move forward with better choices in your future. Now that your eyes have been opened you can only do good things now and impact people in positive, not negative ways.

 

[Sneezie]

Did you tell his wife that he came onto you?

I did not and will not. Nothing came of it. The only reason I would have for telling her is to hurt her and I wouldn't want to do that.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I will probably regret sharing this, and will likely be flamed, but what the heck, I don't post here that often anyway and if I'm too ashamed to come back after posting this, then that's my burden to deal with.

I'm so embarassed...but here goes.

I had a relationship with a professional athlete when I was in college. He was married with 2 kids. He told me it was a loveless marriage, and that he slept on the couch, and that they were only staying together for the kids. I was an idiot, and believed him.

He took me on 2 vacations, wined and dined me, and made me feel like I was special. He even told me he loved me (that makes me cringe to even say that part). (I will give him a little credit to say that he never said he was going to leave his wife for me or anything like that).

When we were on these vacations, he would call home to the wife to check on the kids. I would be in the room when he called her. The conversations were sterile, never ended with "I love you" and I stupidly thought that this confirmed what he had been telling me about the loveless marriage, etc.

A couple months into the relationship he told me that his wife was pregnant, and that it must have been the "one time" they slept together in years. I was sick to my stomach for his poor wife, and that's when I realized that I was not only a fool, but an evil "other woman." I ended the relationship that day. He sent me a few greeting cards after that (this was back before email, internet, etc), but I never responded.

He is still with his wife after all these years (I did a quick search before writing this post), and I know that I was likely not the first, and probably not the last young woman who he cheated with. At this point in time, he probably doesn't even remember my name.

Mistakes happen, and I completely regret what I did. I expect to be flamed of course, but there probably isn't anything anyone can say that would make me feel worse about the situation than I already do. Fortunately, it was many years ago, and I rarely think about it, except of course when stuff like the Tiger Woods stuff pops up in the news.

You were young, you regret it....I'm not going to flame you.

 

[SamRoc]

She is not over him because she never got to work on her marriage and make things better and improve. Her husband moved on and some other girl got in the middle. Stuff like that is very hard to reconcile. I pray that her heart heals.

My heart breaks for my friend. She is very vunerable and still is so heartbroken. The worst part about this situation is that her husband left her for her best friend, and got her pregnant. my friend could never have children, and to this day she says that her friend gave him something she never could. She is actually seeing a therapist for depression. She comes over to my house and says "i used to have a life like this" its just so sad. in the meantime, her ex and her friend are happily married with a little girl. I only can be there for her.

 

[Sneezie]

I will probably regret sharing this, and will likely be flamed, but what the heck, I don't post here that often anyway and if I'm too ashamed to come back after posting this, then that's my burden to deal with.

I'm so embarassed...but here goes.

I had a relationship with a professional athlete when I was in college. He was married with 2 kids. He told me it was a loveless marriage, and that he slept on the couch, and that they were only staying together for the kids. I was an idiot, and believed him.

He took me on 2 vacations, wined and dined me, and made me feel like I was special. He even told me he loved me (that makes me cringe to even say that part). (I will give him a little credit to say that he never said he was going to leave his wife for me or anything like that).

When we were on these vacations, he would call home to the wife to check on the kids. I would be in the room when he called her. The conversations were sterile, never ended with "I love you" and I stupidly thought that this confirmed what he had been telling me about the loveless marriage, etc.

A couple months into the relationship he told me that his wife was pregnant, and that it must have been the "one time" they slept together in years. I was sick to my stomach for his poor wife, and that's when I realized that I was not only a fool, but an evil "other woman." I ended the relationship that day. He sent me a few greeting cards after that (this was back before email, internet, etc), but I never responded.

He is still with his wife after all these years (I did a quick search before writing this post), and I know that I was likely not the first, and probably not the last young woman who he cheated with. At this point in time, he probably doesn't even remember my name.

Mistakes happen, and I completely regret what I did. I expect to be flamed of course, but there probably isn't anything anyone can say that would make me feel worse about the situation than I already do. Fortunately, it was many years ago, and I rarely think about it, except of course when stuff like the Tiger Woods stuff pops up in the news.

No flames here, the topic is "why would a woman want to have an affair with a married man?" and who better to answer that question than someone who has been the other woman!

 

[NY Disney fan]

She comes over to my house and says "i used to have a life like this" its just so sad. in the meantime, her ex and her friend are happily married with a little girl. I only can be there for her.

Because she feels like damaged goods. Adultery...the gift that keeps on giving. Thank goodness she didn't get an STD.

 

[Disney Doll]

I've heard this also. You know I hear a lot.

But what are they getting??? A cheating man? Woohoo! I say more power to the other woman because she's getting the kind of guy she deserves--a loser of a man.

I agree with you. Ultimately that particular one (I must be really hot to be able to get another woman's man) means that the only way they can feed their low sad self-esteem is by getting another wopman's man. They can do it from within themself. They rely on someone/something else (their "ability" to break up a family/marriage) to provide their sense of self worth.

Sad when you think about it....

 

[Scurvy]

I will probably regret sharing this, and will likely be flamed, but what the heck, I don't post here that often anyway and if I'm too ashamed to come back after posting this, then that's my burden to deal with.

I'm so embarassed...but here goes.

I had a relationship with a professional athlete when I was in college. He was married with 2 kids. He told me it was a loveless marriage, and that he slept on the couch, and that they were only staying together for the kids. I was an idiot, and believed him.

He took me on 2 vacations, wined and dined me, and made me feel like I was special. He even told me he loved me (that makes me cringe to even say that part). (I will give him a little credit to say that he never said he was going to leave his wife for me or anything like that).

When we were on these vacations, he would call home to the wife to check on the kids. I would be in the room when he called her. The conversations were sterile, never ended with "I love you" and I stupidly thought that this confirmed what he had been telling me about the loveless marriage, etc.

A couple months into the relationship he told me that his wife was pregnant, and that it must have been the "one time" they slept together in years. I was sick to my stomach for his poor wife, and that's when I realized that I was not only a fool, but an evil "other woman." I ended the relationship that day. He sent me a few greeting cards after that (this was back before email, internet, etc), but I never responded.

He is still with his wife after all these years (I did a quick search before writing this post), and I know that I was likely not the first, and probably not the last young woman who he cheated with. At this point in time, he probably doesn't even remember my name.

Mistakes happen, and I completely regret what I did. I expect to be flamed of course, but there probably isn't anything anyone can say that would make me feel worse about the situation than I already do. Fortunately, it was many years ago, and I rarely think about it, except of course when stuff like the Tiger Woods stuff pops up in the news.

Nennie, as one who is (obviously) very unforgiving of anyone who chooses to participate in an affair, I feel differently about your situation than I do about most I've heard about recently. You did a horribly selfish thing. . . I could say more but I'm sure you've heard it all by now. The difference for me is the bolded portion of your post. If you truly regret what you did and if you understand now how wrong it was and wouldn't do it again, then I believe that you are not like most of the "other women" I have encountered in my life.

Most of the ones I have known defended their actions by saying the man would have strayed with or without them. Some of them have said they are "sorry the relationship had to start out that way" without ever acknowledging that it didn't have to, and it shouldn't have started that way. They didn't care that they might be hurting the wife or children, and once they knew for sure that they were hurting them they still didn't care.

Those who defend their actions clearly haven't changed, and deserve to reap the "rewards" of that behavior. They are not good people. You don't sound like you are one of those people. It was stupid of you to believe his lies but you were young. (Sorry - I know that sounds harsh. But then young people are often stupid!) Obviously once you realized the truth you left the relationship, and that's the most important part in my opinion.

 

[Scurvy]

My heart breaks for my friend. She is very vunerable and still is so heartbroken. The worst part about this situation is that her husband left her for her best friend, and got her pregnant. my friend could never have children, and to this day she says that her friend gave him something she never could. She is actually seeing a therapist for depression. She comes over to my house and says "i used to have a life like this" its just so sad. in the meantime, her ex and her friend are happily married with a little girl. I only can be there for her.

Yes, she used to have a "life like that" - married to a cheating low life. I know she's hurting, but hopefully therapy can help her realize that there are better people out there. As for the child . . . that will make things even messier when the idiot's marriage to the "best friend" finally falls apart. The poor child is the only member of that family who shouldn't have to suffer.

Your friend is lucky to have you, and though she obviously doesn't realize it right now she's also lucky to be rid of the moron she married.

 

[geogat]

I am guessing there is probably 100 reasons why this happens.
Self esteem
the allure of temptation

but for this particular situation that is in the news right now... I would have to go with...

it's Tiger!


Not that it is an excuse to do it. But if we are trying to figure out why a woman would sleep with a married man.. I think a good place to start is the name.... TIGER!

 

[manning]

haven't read much

I'm wierd. Been happily married to the same woman for 38 years and cheating never came to mind.

Of course I never could hide that gun from her.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Very well stated!!!!

I see that there are a lot of posts "but but but but the man(or married woman) is a scum, why blame the woman" There is no question that they are scum. No debate at all. The question is, why would a woman willingly want to be in a relationship with said scumbag. Knowing that he sleeps in the bed of anotehr woman every night, who most likely thinks she has a wonderful marriage.

Married men provide all the fun and excitement without the ins and outs of everyday life. They do not ask to be attached to your hip. They are pure fun- dancing, traveling etc - without the stuff like lawn mowing, colicky kids etc.

Plus is it usually good sex. Married men are typically nice/normal guys - there is a safeness about them.

I have seen cheaters go on to faithful marriages - so I don't buy the always a cheater.

 

[Took]

I will probably regret sharing this, and will likely be flamed, but what the heck, I don't post here that often anyway and if I'm too ashamed to come back after posting this, then that's my burden to deal with.

I'm so embarassed...but here goes.

I had a relationship with a professional athlete when I was in college. He was married with 2 kids. He told me it was a loveless marriage, and that he slept on the couch, and that they were only staying together for the kids. I was an idiot, and believed him.

He took me on 2 vacations, wined and dined me, and made me feel like I was special. He even told me he loved me (that makes me cringe to even say that part). (I will give him a little credit to say that he never said he was going to leave his wife for me or anything like that).

When we were on these vacations, he would call home to the wife to check on the kids. I would be in the room when he called her. The conversations were sterile, never ended with "I love you" and I stupidly thought that this confirmed what he had been telling me about the loveless marriage, etc.

A couple months into the relationship he told me that his wife was pregnant, and that it must have been the "one time" they slept together in years. I was sick to my stomach for his poor wife, and that's when I realized that I was not only a fool, but an evil "other woman." I ended the relationship that day. He sent me a few greeting cards after that (this was back before email, internet, etc), but I never responded.

He is still with his wife after all these years (I did a quick search before writing this post), and I know that I was likely not the first, and probably not the last young woman who he cheated with. At this point in time, he probably doesn't even remember my name.

Mistakes happen, and I completely regret what I did. I expect to be flamed of course, but there probably isn't anything anyone can say that would make me feel worse about the situation than I already do. Fortunately, it was many years ago, and I rarely think about it, except of course when stuff like the Tiger Woods stuff pops up in the news.

Thank you for sharing this. No flames here. When you empathized with the wife, that was your real moment of growing up. Good for you.

 

[jenrose66]

Hi OP, you should ask my dad's wife this question. She knew very well that my dad was married with a 2 year old and a 5 year old. She pursued my dad, told him she couldn't have kids and then....my god it was a miracle as soon as dad left my mom she was pregnant...more miraculous still, lightning struck twice and she got pregnant again 14 months later...

So when my dad left my mom he said it was because he was tired of having a family and wanted his freedom (he was 28). Then a few months later he finds himself with a pregnant girlfriend...serves him right.

If there were justice in this world my dad would have left her too and just been by himself like he supposedly wanted, but he married her and they are still together 21 years later.

 

[LoraJ]

Married men provide all the fun and excitement without the ins and outs of everyday life. They do not ask to be attached to your hip. They are pure fun- dancing, traveling etc - without the stuff like lawn mowing, colicky kids etc.

Plus is it usually good sex. Married men are typically nice/normal guys - there is a safeness about them.

I have seen cheaters go on to faithful marriages - so I don't buy the always a cheater.

Some cheaters maybe, but not all. I would think there would be lots of trust issues. And if they marry and one of them cheats, I would have zero sympathy.
I have seen that scenario happen more than the faithful one.

And with all of those reasons you listed, he is still going home to his wife and sleeping in her bed and doing things with his kids that you are not a part of. And say you do end up with the loser, now you have resentful stepkids and a bitter ex-wife to deal with. Congratulations!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My other thought based on personal witness (not in my relationship!)....

Codependency can be another issue. Both for the man cheating on his wife and the women whom he is cheating with. I can't say that what I witnessed on the woman's behalf was for thrills as she was constantly seeking relationships even if they were with married men. I don't know the ins and outs of the relationship. But it did end when it was embarrasingly discovered that the man had no intentions of leaving his wife (IMHO due to his on codependency issues).

It's pretty sad and not all men or women do it to be studs. I think they really believe they find something special even though it is just a smoke screen. It doesn't make it right, though.

It sucks.

And while I've never done this--I would have to admit that my psychology would make me extremely gullible and I would likely believe lies told to me. Especially in my younger days. But I only dated single college guys (to my knowledge). But I could see how I could easily be fooled. I'm less naive than I used to be. But if I ever went through the pain of losing a spouse and resume dating, it is likely I would encounter men who could possibly lie to me and I wouldn't even begin to know how to verify if they are for real or not unless I knew them already.

But I even found out that I knew a couple who had an open marriage. Their actual marriage was over, but they stayed married for financial reasons (he strayed and she was a SAHM). So the marriage ended but not on paper. Sadly, he ended up passing away. So now their marriage is over for real. But when I found out--I was shocked. B/c I am indeed still naive and gullible. (this was 2 years ago!)

 

[tasha99]

Hi OP, you should ask my dad's wife this question. She knew very well that my dad was married with a 2 year old and a 5 year old. She pursued my dad, told him she couldn't have kids and then....my god it was a miracle as soon as dad left my mom she was pregnant...more miraculous still, lightning struck twice and she got pregnant again 14 months later...

So when my dad left my mom he said it was because he was tired of having a family and wanted his freedom (he was 28). Then a few months later he finds himself with a pregnant girlfriend...serves him right.

If there were justice in this world my dad would have left her too and just been by himself like he supposedly wanted, but he married her and they are still together 21 years later.

If they're still married 21 years later and are happy, maybe it was all for the best. My stepmom was my dad's girlfriend as well. My brother had a hard time with it, but not me. Mom and dad fought and fought and fought and he was a serial cheater. I don't think he's ever cheated on my stepmom, though. Cheating was a symptom of how miserable he was in his marriage. He was afraid to leave because he was afraid of losing his kids, but in the end, it all worked out (we all lived with him as teenagers anyway). My mom kicking him out was the best thing that ever happened to our family.

One thing I've thought is that cheating allows a bad marriage to continue. The cheater isn't getting what he or she needs at home, but they've created a situation that is bearable because they're getting their emotional and sexual needs met elsewhere. Just a thought.

 

[jenrose66]

If they're still married 21 years later and are happy, maybe it was all for the best. My stepmom was my dad's girlfriend as well. My brother had a hard time with it, but not me. Mom and dad fought and fought and fought and he was a serial cheater. I don't think he's ever cheated on my stepmom, though. Cheating was a symptom of how miserable he was in his marriage. He was afraid to leave because he was afraid of losing his kids, but in the end, it all worked out (we all lived with him as teenagers anyway). My mom kicking him out was the best thing that ever happened to our family.

One thing I've thought is that cheating allows a bad marriage to continue. The cheater isn't getting what he or she needs at home, but they've created a situation that is bearable because they're getting their emotional and sexual needs met elsewhere. Just a thought.

My parents didn't appear to have a bad marriage. My dad worked with this woman, the company they worked with started downsizing, their desks got pushed together....and I guess they got involved. She was married at the time to, to a bad man who apparently was a drug addict, I guess she thought my married father was the best way out.

Now that I have small children of my own I understand that young children are a stressor on a marriage....that doesn't mean you take the easy way out. My mom wanted to work on the marriage, my dad didn't want to bother...

I don't believe my dad is a bad man, he just did a very bad thing. His wife...well she'll rot in hell and that's fine with me. I tolerate her and outwardly our relationship is fine, my mom wanted it that way so that I could have a relationship with my dad, but I have a lot of internal resentment towards her that I will never let go of.

 

[Ember]

My mom wanted to work on the marriage, my dad didn't want to bother...

At this point the marriage is over, regardless of issues of cheating. Your father may have actually used the affair as an excuse to end things. I'm fairly sure this is what my dad has done in the past. (He's a serial cheater, onto wife #4 - we don't get along...)

 

[ktink]

I have a "friend" that cheated w/ another one of my friends husband. Anyway she felt as though she had the upper hand and had taken someone's husband. A complete issue of her insecurities. What she didn't realize was she was nothing more than a dirty little secret. He was lucky in the fact that my friend stayed with him & has been able to work things out.

I was in complete shock when all of this came out. I just never thought I would end up in a situation like this that involved 2 close friends. The relationship all started in church to boot.