Why won't people ask for help when they need it? Just a vent

[quentina]

I disagree, I would never expect my teen to buy there own clothes

Neither would I.

 

[mrsklamc]

If you cant buy pants for your kid, much less prom clothes, etc...and this teen cant find a way to get cheap clothes (hello-Goodwill! I give practically new clothes to there all the time)....how will she figure out loans and Finanicial aid for college?

Some people really have trouble seeing outside their own experience. Where I grew up, there IS no Goodwill because it's that rural. I didn't have money for clothes either, and my parents were not involved at all after I was 14, but the guidance office walked me through the financial aid process.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Well if the 17 year old cannot afford pants that fit (although the thing about the flood pants doesn't make sense, most girls stop growing around 14 or so so they probably didn't fit for awhile), she could probably try to find a way to make a little bit of money, maybe babysitting or something? I don't think kids are studying all day and night-I also don't know any kid around here who volunteers (except mine-they teach religious ed-another brag, sorry).

My niece is on a youth council, and all they do is volunteer! It's basically just a huge laundry list of town events that they have to volunteer for - and it's by application, with only the "top" kids selected, so they compete to be allowed to work for free for the town at all the festivals and parades. I believe they also have a youth forum/board that advises the mayor, but all I see is the volunteer work.

Also, most of the private schools in this area require X number of volunteer hours to pass each grade.

Heck, our town's HS football team spent several days this past summer painting buildings for the town, and other school organizations do a lot of volunteer work as well for various local charities like the food bank.

Yes, not all kids volunteer, but many do. For the top students especially, it's seen as scholarship and college application building, and it's almost mandatory to them.

 

[SaraJayne]

If you cant buy pants for your kid, much less prom clothes, etc...and this teen cant find a way to get cheap clothes (hello-Goodwill! I give practically new clothes to there all the time)....how will she figure out loans and Finanicial aid for college?

So because this mother and teen can't afford new clothes, they are somehow illiterate idiots that can't read?

 

[Swan4Me]

No...I just find it strange they cant figure out how to get clothes cheap...and no matter how many forms for aid you fill out-youstill need some $$ from the parents for college.

the OP states her neice was wearing too short pants
All the schools here wear uniforms-walmart sells the shirts for like $8...the pants $12
Lots of groovy jeans and other clothes at our Goodwill

 

[SaraJayne]

No...I just find it strange they cant figure out how to get clothes cheap...and no matter how many forms for aid you fill out-youstill need some $$ from the parents for college.

the OP states her neice was wearing too short pants
All the schools here wear uniforms-walmart sells the shirts for like $8...the pants $12
Lots of groovy jeans and other clothes at our Goodwill

I got $0 from my mother for college. Zip, zero, zilch, nada.

Sometimes, though it seems hard for you to imagine, that $20 may have to be used for something other than clothes.

And I know this has been repeated enough in this thread, but you seem to not be reading the posts ~ not everyone has a Goodwill near them.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I got $0 from my mother for college. Zip, zero, zilch, nada.

Sometimes, though it seems hard for you to imagine, that $20 may have to be used for something other than clothes.

And I know this has been repeated enough in this thread, but you seem to not be reading the posts ~ not everyone has a Goodwill near them.

and that $20 is only buying 1 shirt and 1 pair of pants.

 

[mrsklamc]

No...I just find it strange they cant figure out how to get clothes cheap...and no matter how many forms for aid you fill out-youstill need some $$ from the parents for college.

the OP states her neice was wearing too short pants
All the schools here wear uniforms-walmart sells the shirts for like $8...the pants $12
Lots of groovy jeans and other clothes at our Goodwill

Doesn't matter how cheap it is if you have NO MONEY. I don't understand why this is such a complicated concept for you.

And it is totally possible to go to college with no $ from parents, as I did, esp. as she has a free place to live.

 

[SaraJayne]

Doesn't matter how cheap it is if you have NO MONEY. I don't understand why this is such a complicated concept for you.

And it is totally possible to go to college with no $ from parents, as I did, esp. as she has a free place to live.

 

[auntie]

Sorry, your post does comes off like you are annoyed with her. I get that your heart is in the right place, but if it were me, I'd respect my sister's decision to not ask for help, whether or not I agreed with it. I would also assume that my 17 year old niece was able to understand their situation and that they have discussed it and what it means as far as not being able to have this or that, and that since they didn't go asking for help that they have decided they don't actually want it.

Exactly...it doesn't matter whether the OP agrees with her sister's choice to keep her financial situation to herself. It isn't her decision to make. If she wants to be supportive of her sister, she should respect her choices. Obviously they are quite capable of raising their own children in any way they see fit. Even if, God forbid, that means her niece's pants will be too short for a while.

 

[Hannathy]

Exactly...it doesn't matter whether the OP agrees with her sister's choice to keep her financial situation to herself. It isn't her decision to make. If she wants to be supportive of her sister, she should respect her choices. Obviously they are quite capable of raising their own children in any way they see fit. Even if, God forbid, that means her niece's pants will be too short for a while.

While I agree with this sentiment and not getting into her sisters financial business I still wouldn't want my nice to go to school looking bad. I would simply gift my niece with clothes and not getting into any of the other finances.
I would just send her packages like I did with my nephew when he was young. Just say I want to spoil her a bit, that it is an aunts right!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, I will jump in here.
I see that some posts on here are getting picky and not going in the best direction!!!! This isn't about young students being put in a position of having to support themselves.

I realize that I have experienced a similar situation.
VERY similar.
I have a sister with 3 kids.
At this point, the situation is pretty darned bad...
The kids (two are now adult 18,20, and one teen) do not have adequate clothing, are not fed healthy, do not have jobs of any kind, at all.... are not being given opportunities to prepare them to become independent responsible adults.
(Just in comparison... which I know I really shouldn't compare... My son, just 14 now, has a sizeable savings account of his own by doing great neighborhood lawn work. Quite a bit of money! Okay, I know, braggin' a bit... but def. not taking the credit or claiming any superiority.)

The hard truth is that in most of these cases, people find themselves in these situations because they choose to keep finding themselves in these situations. They don't want to make the hard decisions necessary to live their lives in a way to insure better. They don't want to take ownership... They also don't want to feel 'judged'. (notice the judgement in the OP's post)

At one point, myself, and other siblings, have wanted to help... But have realized it is to no avail.

In her case, she (and her husband) have not stepped up, and have done without, and have not empowered themselves... AND THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HER CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED. It is a very well known thing... Learned Helplessness.

Any help that would come with conditions, strings, or judgement/opinion, just would not be accepted. Strict freebie handouts only. (Of course, those would ALWAYS be just a little too welcomed....)

I do not know the backstory in the OP's situation... But, something tells me that there is more than a simple 'hit some hard circumstances' going on???? something tells me that there is more to this than meets the eye. Especially since the OP has not been aware, and is suddenly 'surprised' by what she is seeing.

OP, I really don't know what to tell you... In my case, my neice and nephews are are young adults (one older teen) and I don't feel like there is really anything I would have been able to do to change where they are at. If your sister has not been forthcoming, and has not been trying to help herself, by possibly opening up to you and 'letting' you help her to help herself... there may not be a lot you can do.

I know how the situation feels. ( not good! )
But, you can't let yourself harbor any anger or judgment.
That just will not help.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Doesn't matter how cheap it is if you have NO MONEY. I don't understand why this is such a complicated concept for you.

And it is totally possible to go to college with no $ from parents, as I did, esp. as she has a free place to live.

If one has NO money, and seems unable to even go to Goodwill (or other similar resources), to keep their children adequately and properly clothed... I would begin to question their fitness for parenthood.

And, believe me, this is coming from somebody who has BTDT.... I did without as a child. This is not coming from somebody who has always been provided for and just does not understand.

 

[auntie]

While I agree with this sentiment and not getting into her sisters financial business I still wouldn't want my nice to go to school looking bad. I would simply gift my niece with clothes and not getting into any of the other finances.
I would just send her packages like I did with my nephew when he was young. Just say I want to spoil her a bit, that it is an aunts right!

I can understand that, and would probably do the same myself.

 

[Andtototoo]

No...I just find it strange they cant figure out how to get clothes cheap...and no matter how many forms for aid you fill out-youstill need some $$ from the parents for college.

the OP states her neice was wearing too short pants
All the schools here wear uniforms-walmart sells the shirts for like $8...the pants $12
Lots of groovy jeans and other clothes at our Goodwill

Groovy jeans? Well, maybe back in Greg Brady's day you could get groovy jeans at Goodwill.

 

[jaminmd]

Groovy jeans? Well, maybe back in Greg Brady's day you could get groovy jeans at Goodwill.

I remember Greg Brady's jeans very well, as well as his ginormous belt buckles. He can keep his jeans and his groovyness. If that's what Goodwill is selling and that was all I could afford, I think I'd rather go commando.

 

[SaraJayne]

Re-read posts like these if you're wondering why your sister won't ask for help.

Okay, I will jump in here.
I see that some posts on here are getting picky and not going in the best direction!!!! This isn't about young students being put in a position of having to support themselves.

I realize that I have experienced a similar situation.
VERY similar.
I have a sister with 3 kids.
At this point, the situation is pretty darned bad...
The kids (two are now adult 18,20, and one teen) do not have adequate clothing, are not fed healthy, do not have jobs of any kind, at all.... are not being given opportunities to prepare them to become independent responsible adults.
(Just in comparison... which I know I really shouldn't compare... My son, just 14 now, has a sizeable savings account of his own by doing great neighborhood lawn work. Quite a bit of money! Okay, I know, braggin' a bit... but def. not taking the credit or claiming any superiority.)

The hard truth is that in most of these cases, people find themselves in these situations because they choose to keep finding themselves in these situations. They don't want to make the hard decisions necessary to live their lives in a way to insure better. They don't want to take ownership... They also don't want to feel 'judged'. (notice the judgement in the OP's post)

At one point, myself, and other siblings, have wanted to help... But have realized it is to no avail.

In her case, she (and her husband) have not stepped up, and have done without, and have not empowered themselves... AND THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HER CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED. It is a very well known thing... Learned Helplessness.

Any help that would come with conditions, strings, or judgement/opinion, just would not be accepted. Strict freebie handouts only. (Of course, those would ALWAYS be just a little too welcomed....)

I do not know the backstory in the OP's situation... But, something tells me that there is more than a simple 'hit some hard circumstances' going on???? something tells me that there is more to this than meets the eye. Especially since the OP has not been aware, and is suddenly 'surprised' by what she is seeing.

OP, I really don't know what to tell you... In my case, my neice and nephews are are young adults (one older teen) and I don't feel like there is really anything I would have been able to do to change where they are at. If your sister has not been forthcoming, and has not been trying to help herself, by possibly opening up to you and 'letting' you help her to help herself... there may not be a lot you can do.

I know how the situation feels. ( not good! )
But, you can't let yourself harbor any anger or judgment.
That just will not help.

If one has NO money, and seems unable to even go to Goodwill (or other similar resources), to keep their children adequately and properly clothed... I would begin to question their fitness for parenthood.

And, believe me, this is coming from somebody who has BTDT.... I did without as a child. This is not coming from somebody who has always been provided for and just does not understand.

 

[mrsklamc]

If one has NO money, and seems unable to even go to Goodwill (or other similar resources), to keep their children adequately and properly clothed... I would begin to question their fitness for parenthood.

And, believe me, this is coming from somebody who has BTDT.... I did without as a child. This is not coming from somebody who has always been provided for and just does not understand.

NOT EVERYONE HAS A GOODWILL OR SIMILAR RESOURCE. And sometimes people fall on hard times, doesn't mean they are unfit parents.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

If one has NO money, and seems unable to even go to Goodwill (or other similar resources), to keep their children adequately and properly clothed... I would begin to question their fitness for parenthood.And, believe me, this is coming from somebody who has BTDT.... I did without as a child. This is not coming from somebody who has always been provided for and just does not understand.

Good Lord! Her pants were short. She wasn't re-enacting Oliver. I hardly think that makes her an unfit parent. I can't believe anyone even suggested that.

 

[mickeysgal]

Good Lord! Her pants were short. She wasn't re-enacting Oliver.:sad2: I hardly think that makes her an unfit parent. I can't believe anyone even suggested that.

I wish there was a high-five smilie.

The child does not have unfit parents for having short pants. Good lord - money is just real tight right now and they are choosing not to ask for help. And yes, when money is tight, you do without. And yes, many do not need or want assistance for whatever their private reasons are. The child is fed, has a roof over their head, and has clothes to wear (albeit a bit too short in the pants department). They're fine - they just don't want help. No reason to over-analyze the situation.