Why Do Men Cheat?

[Race the Reaper]

You really do not need to save us from the OP. What harm are we doing you offering her support? Even without hearing both sides.

 

[MinnieGirl33]

.

The only advice I would give you is to

a) Protect you and your kids FIRST and foremost. Talk to an atty familiar with military divorces. Get a bank acct in your name only. Prepare like it is over and then go from there.

Absolutely.

Not to sound harsh but this is the time for level heads to be thinking practically about protecting yourself & your kids. You will have time for tears (or breaking things if that's helps you more) later.

Good luck with everything

 

[SplshMtn99]

Hugs for OP from another military wife here.

I don't know what makes men cheat, but I asked myself & a few other people this same question just today when I heard of another husband that told his wife last night that he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore. It made me think today of all the men I know that have cheated on their wives. And I won't be shy to say that I watch close for any lies from DH. I trust him ....to a degree. He's lied about other stuff.

We military marriages face so many more stresses than most normal marriages I feel. We have distance, deployments, deaths & the stress of their jobs -- which they really are doing 24/7, even when home. We probably have a higher divorce rate than non-military.

I really don't have any advice. I'm not good with that kind of stuff. I just wanted you to know that I'll be thinking of you. And I hope that your DH can get some help or insight into what is keeping him from finding his way back to your heart.

 

[CheshireVal]

If you are interested in trying to work things through, I'd HIGHLY recommend the book After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, by Janis Spring. It has sections for both partners and pretty much hits all these conflicting emotions (anger, pain, despair, confusion) head on and helps you work through them.

Don't ask me how I'm familiar with this, though.

 

[Dancin Desert]

Why do men cheat? The same reason women do. Because they have this want/need to be the most important person in someone's life and damn the consequences.

 

[holycow]

I'm sorry but why do you need to take DH feelings into consideration. He is hiding something! I'd fly down there and get this out in the open. Why sit around dying inside wondering what his next move will be. I'd take the next move and check the apartment out. You have children to think about!

Hugs to you!


Holycow

 

[jsmith]

i have walked a mile in your shoes. Don;t give up on it yet-he needs help and so do you -theres no excuse but stress and lonliness and the horrible things they see can make them do stupid things-and sometimes they look for someone they can share that with out burdening the families back home and it gets out of hand-before you leave make sure its really what you want to do-because once you cross that bridge its hard to go back.

 

[chell]

Sorry I have no words of wisdom for you but you have received some great words here already. I'm just here to offer you a and some support. No amount of stress warrants such behavior.

 

[lindakmonty]

My husband just retired last month...he's 45 and spent 26 yrs in the military...20-21 full time...I brought up your situation and said I can see why us military wives try to be so supportive and understanding etc. and his reply was B.S...there is no excuse to cheat...military or not..no matter the situation..there is NO excuse...I agree...If he was hiding that from you...plus who knows what else he's hid from you... you need to protect you and your children. Talk to an attorney and prepare yourself. If you need someone to talk to... you can email me I've been there w/an abusive ex and a lot of things I won't bore you with...but I know what you're going through!Good luck and just remember those kiddos need you!

 

[Mimi Q]

 

[MyLittlePony123]

Thanks again, everyone.

I do appreciate the words of support and encouragement more than I can express.

In a surprise twist the other woman emailed me and we exchanged several messages back and forth. She helped me understand the meaning behind a few of their messages but I was not born yesterday and though I do tend to believe her I know there is still much more to the story that I don't know. DH isn't speaking to me now and I have no clue if he knows that she and I communicated with each other.

There are huge issues here - mainly the lying, deception and the lack of communication along with the attitude and way he was treating me.

I don't know where to go from here but for now I am giving him space and trying to not check my phone every few minutes to see if he has called yet.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

Today I find that he has a MySpace page and that some girl he knew from his last assignment is posting love notes to him talking about their future. She has icons all over her page about "loving her military man". I confronted DH with this and he said the girl was just a friend but within minutes her posts were deleted from his page and then his page was gone entirely. I know he has sent her love notes back too. Those are also gone but I have screenshots of them.

That has to be the most sickening feeling finding that. I feel so sorry for you. No advice as I've never been there myself (as far as with a husband, I have with boyfriends but it's not the same). I would be devastated. Good luck and lots of .

 

[MareQ]

. DH isn't speaking to me now and I have no clue if he knows that she and I communicated with each other.

.

HE's not speaking to YOU????????????????? WHAT NERVE!!!!!

RUN LIKE THE WIND..............

 

[momrek06]

DH isn't speaking to me now

He has a guilty conscience, OP! So, he is going to play games now. He is going to give you the "silent treatment" and make YOU think that YOU are the "evil" one here. GUILTY !!!

Hang in there, OP, do not let that happen. You have done NOTHING wrong!
Stand your ground.

, OP!

 

[kellyg403]

OP...I have been in your shoes and trust me you are getting sound advice. His not speaking to you may be heartbreaking as you are hoping he will simply beg and plead for your forgiveness. Or make you feel like YOU are the crazy one. Its a game to make you doubt yourself. The old saying about where there is smoke there is usually fire is right. Trust your instincts...you know the real deal better than anyone else. As for the OW. Well, if she is military too the jig could be up for her too depending on ranks and other issues involved. Been there too. She too will tell you what you want to hear so she doesn't get into trouble.

I can't tell you what to do or how to feel but let you know that only you can decide if you are willing to forgive and forget or just forget it all together. Look at your children and wonder to yourself if you would want them to go through this. Yes, I thought I was in a loving relationship. We were the people other people thought were a "happy" couple. We didn't fight in public, held hands, had 6 wonderful children. Now looking back 6+ years later well, I see the cracks I didn't before.

Take care of you and your children and don't speak to either one of them. You are the party that wasn't involved in the fun, let them be the only ones involved in the game. If you are looking for the truth, you won't get much from either one of them if there really is something going on and it does sound like it. Take 50% from each of them and add 50% of your gut instinct and you will get most of the truth.

Just my 2 cents and if you need to talk feel free to pm me. Its rough and you will need all the strength and committment either way you choose.

Kelly

 

[Ariel Wanna-be]

In a surprise twist the other woman emailed me and we exchanged several messages back and forth. She helped me understand the meaning behind a few of their messages but I was not born yesterday and though I do tend to believe her I know there is still much more to the story that I don't know. DH isn't speaking to me now and I have no clue if he knows that she and I communicated with each other.

Maybe I'm being a cynic, but I have to believe that not only does he know that you and the other woman communicated, but he probably encouraged her to make contact in the first place, so that she could provide "innocent" explanations for everything

This way he can:

1. make it seem like you are overreacting, causing you to second-guess your instincts.

2. avoid telling you more lies himself (and digging himself a deeper hole).

3. appear to be the victim ("I am so hurt that you would question me, that I'm not speaking to you") and put you on the defensive, so you will feel the need placate him.

I hope for your sake that this is all a misunderstanding, but I'm a believer that where there's smoke, there's usually fire.

The most troubling thing I've read from you so far is that he actually had T.O.W. in your apartment (to, ahem, watch scary movies). This would be unacceptable to me, since it was done without your knowledge.

Again, I realize that none of us know the entire situation, and I would encourage you to not make any hasty decisions based on the opinions of strangers (including my own). Instead, use this forum as a sounding board - to vent and to explore options that you may not have thought of on your own.

I'm so very sorry you're going through this...you sound like a caring, devoted, and attentive wife. It so sucks when life is unfair.

 

[SplshMtn99]

OP, I have a question about maybe a background issue going on? You mentioned a "funk" about him earlier. I know my DH gets that way when returning - even just from 2 wk drill due to total lack of sleep. Is he talking with anyone about this? DH had gotten so bad while away one time that he was forced by his unit to speak with someone. Then they made an evaluation about his future. (All OK now. But the stress he was in had brought up issues from his past that he had buried.) I think he needs to work on that (& himself) before he can work on you guys.

All to often they seek friendship from people in the same situation...and it goes further than intended. So, he's probably got all those confusing feelings going on too.

Not an excuse....but maybe some help.

 

[*Fantasia*]

Thanks again, everyone.

I do appreciate the words of support and encouragement more than I can express.

In a surprise twist the other woman emailed me and we exchanged several messages back and forth. She helped me understand the meaning behind a few of their messages but I was not born yesterday and though I do tend to believe her I know there is still much more to the story that I don't know. DH isn't speaking to me now and I have no clue if he knows that she and I communicated with each other.

There are huge issues here - mainly the lying, deception and the lack of communication along with the attitude and way he was treating me.

I don't know where to go from here but for now I am giving him space and trying to not check my phone every few minutes to see if he has called yet.

How does she know your email addy? How do you know that it is actually her who is sending you emails? Anyone can make up an addy from hotmail or yahoo.. or something like that. I was thinking that maybe it is your husband who is emailing you making you think it's the girl emailing you. If they have something going on, I doubt the girl would want to confront someone else's wife. He probably wants you to think it's her, so on the letter he writes something to really make you think nothing is going on and to lighten things up so you won't get too upset. I'm sorry for sharing my thoughts with you, but I just wanted to share that ???s in my mind.


I'm sorry. I hope things work out between you two.

 

[Serena]

Ok, now he's just making me mad.

 

[MyLittlePony123]

Ok, now he's just making me mad.

Thanks for that. It made me smile.

The other woman messaged me thru her MySpace account. DH is a well-educated man and there is no way on this planet that he would have used the expressions and grammatic mistakes that she did. Today she posted a bulletin survey for all of her friends to see and I was mentioned in there a few times (all positively of course).

I am still getting the silent treatment. I havent heard a word from DH since Saturday. I am sick of being punished like I did something wrong but I am not wanting to call him either.

To answer the other question - she is a civilian working for the military - she is not military herself.

I got on the treadmill for the first time in a very long time and just walked for over an hour. It was very therapeutic.

DH has been in a funk for several weeks. I told him I thought he needed to talk to someone but he was in defensive mode and shot that down. He did seek counseling when we went thru the miscarriage in January from the Chaplain where he was stationed. I suggested he contact that Chaplain again but he refused. I don't know if the "funk" is related just to this girl, to the fact that he is switching branches and jobs or what. He swears it has nothing to do with her but I just don't know.