Why Do Men Cheat?

[Serena]

I think it probably has very little to do with her.

Take care of yourself. That's what you need to do right now. He'll either come around or he won't. You can't force it.

 

[sajetto]

The advice you've received so far is much better than any I could give, but I just want to offer you hugs and support.

 

[JennyMominRI]

Boy this is all familiar..My ex cheated 13 years ago.. I remember it like it was yesterday.. Your experience is textbook cheating like mine was.. He tried to play it off,to make like I was crazy..I was an idiot a fool. ..I.He used those words to me.. And i really felt lke that ,a fool.How could I have been so stupid,so blind..That was the worst thing he did was to make me question myself. He left me at the hospital minutes after the birth of our son to go to his mistress..He had her in our house while I was in the hospital...The ***** even bought him congratulatory balloons for the birth of my son which he told her I had just to trap him..The truth couldn't have been farther from that...He brought me home from the hospital and then left me and our newborn to go on a trip with her..It gets worse,but I'll leave it at that..
Obviously we are no longer together..I moved on and found a wonderful man and we have had 12 years together now... You don't deserve to be treated this way,and even though it may feel like t's the end of the world iit's not

 

[mom2taylorandemily]

Sorry I just wanted to vent somewhere. Posting under my alter ego to keep the kids from seeing this.

We are a military family. DH was deployed when I suffered a miscarriage back in January. Things haven't been back to normal with us since. I have been battling depression on and off but have been feeling better the past 2 months.

DH is back stateside and has now gone TDY for classes because he is switching branches and I have sensed that things aren't right with him. He doesn't do any of the sweet things he used to do - send me morning texts, call me as much as he can just to say he loves me, etc... He says he doesn't know what he wants anymore - even if he wants to be with me. I am floored - this came out of the blue. He swore there was no one else - just that he was unsure of anything anymore.

Today I find that he has a MySpace page and that some girl he knew from his last assignment is posting love notes to him talking about their future. She has icons all over her page about "loving her military man". I confronted DH with this and he said the girl was just a friend but within minutes her posts were deleted from his page and then his page was gone entirely. I know he has sent her love notes back too. Those are also gone but I have screenshots of them.

He hasn't called or emailed or texted since that happened and I am going out of my mind right now.

I know from talking to other military wives that any time you switch posts or jobs that it is very stressful and sometimes men get in a "funk" but then snap out of it.

I have no idea how far things went with this girl and DH. I don't know if I he still wants our relationship or if I can even stay with him if he does want to try to work things out.

Prayers, pixie dust, advice - any of it welcome right now.

Thanks!

Hey I know exactly what you are going thru, the only difference for me is that I did not lose a child so I certainly am sending big for that. I can't imagine how bad that feels. But as far as the TDY incident I know exactly how you feel. You don't know if you want him to stay or go, you don't know if you want to stay or go. Its all just a very confusing time. My ex DH was at home and even had her calling our house late at night, he would answer the phone, or he would call her. This went on for 6 months after he came home, and I got tired of waiting for him to make a decision, and I made it for him. I put him and his stuff out of the house. That was in 1988, I am now with a great guy and have 2 kids. Don't let him choose the direction of your life. Be strong and don't be his door mat. Stand your ground, if he wants to stay, lay down some ground rules. And he needs to be accountable to you for his actions. She needs to be told that he is married, and that he is not leaving if that is what you decide and she needs to be told that all contact needs to stop and he needs to tell her that in front of you. I hope that it all works out for you, I will pray for you. I hope it works out the way you want, but remember that you might change your mind many times thru this process.

 

[grlpwrd]

Ok, now he's just making me mad.

Me, too. I saw what cheating did to my mom (she was cheated on). Kids are not stupid.

OP, .

 

[Biscuitsmom31]

I'm ticked at him too. His behavior is disgusting. I had an issue like this several years ago. I got the same "You're crazy - we're just friends!" crap. I even got the silent treatment. I finally got him to own up to everything by telling him what a coward he was. (Actually I told him he had the (man parts) to do it but didn't have the (man parts) to admit it.) He crumbled like the Berlin wall. Men don't like being told they don't have any (man parts).

 

[poohandwendy]

I have to say it again, I think the OP needs to really get her ducks in a row. I know she is caught up in the emotional part right now, but it is really important that she protects herself and the kids. If the marriage survives, it won't make any difference that she took some action now (legal advice and financial protection). But, if it does not work out she will be so sorry if she waits too long.

Another thing, right now she is putting herself mentally in the role of one who has no choices. And he is holding the cards. Ie, he is not sure what he wants to do, not talking to her. She really needs to go on the offense and stop engaging him. Let him know what he needs to do if he wants to be with you. Don't let him put you in the position where he is controllig you with puppet strings. Take control of the situation now. At least on the surface, when dealing with him. I know that seems like an impossible feat because of the way you feel...but trust me, as long as you allow him to take the drivers seat, he will. Do not allow him to continue to believe that everything is up to him and that he is the center of the situation.

Not sure if that makes any sense to you, but I think this might be spiralling into his manipulating you to think that he is a victim of some sorts. I hope you do what you can to avoid that. It isn't healthy. You do not have to prove worthiness, he does.

Learn to say these words "I have nothing to say to you as long as you don't know what you want, refuse to be honest and cannot be fully committed to your family. I am trying to figure out what I want. And what is best for me and the kids" Do not allow that little voice in your head tell you to be afraid that you might say something wrong and you will lose him forever. Keep telling yourself that if he is that close to leaving for good, there is nothing you could do to stop him. Because that is the truth.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...

 

[MyLittlePony123]

Thanks PAW and everyone else.

DH has still not contacted me since Saturday. At this moment I am mad because I feel like he has control of the situation by refusing to talk to me. I am seriously considering buying a plane ticket to where he his tomorrow just to confront him in person. I cant take this avoidance anymore!

I'm not going to be a doormat. I wont let him walk all over me but I need to know what is going on in his head so I can either move on or figure out together how to work this all out.

I know the other woman isn't with him because I have been talking to her tonite.

I guess I dont know if showing up there makes me look desperate or what. I'm so confused but I need some answers and I cant get them on the phone or thru email from him if he wont answer me.

Sorry, I'm rambling. It is late and I need to decide whether or not to go.

 

[Serena]

I know the feeling. You want answers whatever you have to do to get them.
But think it through. Say you did go to him. He opens the door. Then what?
Do you just want to tell him how much of a jerk he's being or something else?
What do you want to accomplish with it?

Do you think he'll grow some and finally be honest? The way I picture it, is that he will be even more defensive and he won't be any ready to give you the answers than he is now, giving you the silent treatment.

See, as long as you wait for him, he thinks he can get by with this. You have to be willing to really leave him, and he see it. Then he might think a minute.

Do everything PaW said, and act like he can't treat you like that and get by with it. Act like you aren't counting the minutes. Even if you don't feel it.

 

[mom2taylorandemily]

Thanks PAW and everyone else.

DH has still not contacted me since Saturday. At this moment I am mad because I feel like he has control of the situation by refusing to talk to me. I am seriously considering buying a plane ticket to where he his tomorrow just to confront him in person. I cant take this avoidance anymore!

I'm not going to be a doormat. I wont let him walk all over me but I need to know what is going on in his head so I can either move on or figure out together how to work this all out.

I know the other woman isn't with him because I have been talking to her tonite.

I guess I dont know if showing up there makes me look desperate or what. I'm so confused but I need some answers and I cant get them on the phone or thru email from him if he wont answer me.

Sorry, I'm rambling. It is late and I need to decide whether or not to go.

I can see by the time (4:30 am) of your last post that you may not be getting much sleep and I am so sorry you are going thru this. Getting the answers you want probably won't change anything for you, and you are probably feeling like you will be vindicated if he just admits it to you. But all that is going to do is confirm what you already suspect and make you feel worse. Please go and see an attorney and know what your rights are. Please don't wait on him to choose what is right for you. Do you have kids? If so, their safety and rights should first and foremost come before anything else. He needs to be concerned for them. If you need to talk some more I will help you anyway I can. You can PM me.

 

[disneymama73]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with the pp who said to contact an attorney even if you do not plan on filing for divorce right away. Know your rights. I would also suggest contacting a counselor or psychologist to help you get through this difficult time. You are in my thoughts.

 

[Planogirl]

I agree with the others. Protect yourself financially and legally first and foremost. That will make you feel more in control which will help a bit.

Now as for the emotional side of it... There's really not much you can do but go through it. Everyone's situation is different and everyone's reaction is different when this kind of thing happens. One bit of caution when it comes to this emotional portion: I would NOT take anyone else's advice particularly from people on a message board. Only you can determine what is appropriate for you. All of these thoughts may help you formulate a plan, just don't jump into someone else's shoes and follow their path because it might be all wrong for you.

Sigh... Why do men cheat? Why does anyone cheat? It could be boredom, wanting a thrill, feeling old, loneliness... Who knows? It's wrong though as long as someone else stands to be hurt by it.

 

[Doodlebug939]

First off, I am very sorry that you are going through this. I am a military wife and I see cheating (military member and spouses alike) all the time. I think that you have to take control. You have to take care of yourself and your children.

Not to scare you in any way, but because his character is in question right now. Have you considered if he has already cheated. I hope not, but just to be safe I would schedule a checkup with your doctor just to be sure. Your health is not something that you should trust to anyone.

I have seen couples who cheat and make their way back to each other and are stronger then ever. But you have to decide what you want. And you cant do that in just a few days. It takes time. As for flying off to see him right now, I dont know the answer. I wish you all the best.

 

[Disney Doll]

If you fly to where he is, what will it accomplish?

And why are you talking to the other woman??? Stop that business right now!!!!!!

Here would be my advice. Stop waiting for him to decide what he wants to do and decide what you want to do, then let him know about your decision.

First thing I'd do is get myself to a lawyer who knows about military divorces.

I'd get a handle on all of our finances. Make copies of income tax returns, bank statements, credit card amounts owed, credit reports. Make sure everything is dated, so you know what you had as of such & such date.

I'd open an account in someone else's name and start putting some $$ into it. Maybe a trusted friend or relative would be willing to help you with this.

Next thing I'd do is start determining how to make a life for myself and my children, without him. You will not have the luxury of being able to walk away and decide you don't want to deal with things.

But, you must take control. You have *****-footed around with him long enough. Get your ducks in a row, call him and say "This is what I have done in response to your behavior. If you wish to talk about the state of our marriage, I will be happy to listen and go to counselling with you. If you are going to continue to behave like you are now, I will be happy to continue to act as if you don't exist and move along with my and the childrens' lives".

Please remember, your children are watching and learning behavior from you. They notice and pick up on things. Please give them a good example of how to behave like a strong, independent adult.

 

[mom2taylorandemily]

If you fly to where he is, what will it accomplish?

And why are you talking to the other woman??? Stop that business right now!!!!!!

Here would be my advice. Stop waiting for him to decide what he wants to do and decide what you want to do, then let him know about your decision.

First thing I'd do is get myself to a lawyer who knows about military divorces.

I'd get a handle on all of our finances. Make copies of income tax returns, bank statements, credit card amounts owed, credit reports. Make sure everything is dated, so you know what you had as of such & such date.

I'd open an account in someone else's name and start putting some $$ into it. Maybe a trusted friend or relative would be willing to help you with this.

Next thing I'd do is start determining how to make a life for myself and my children, without him. You will not have the luxury of being able to walk away and decide you don't want to deal with things.

But, you must take control. You have *****-footed around with him long enough. Get your ducks in a row, call him and say "This is what I have done in response to your behavior. If you wish to talk about the state of our marriage, I will be happy to listen and go to counselling with you. If you are going to continue to behave like you are now, I will be happy to continue to act as if you don't exist and move along with my and the childrens' lives".

Please remember, your children are watching and learning behavior from you. They notice and pick up on things. Please give them a good example of how to behave like a strong, independent adult.

This is extremely sound advice. Please take it.

 

[Doodlebug939]

Just checking in to see how you are doing. Keep strong!

 

[holycow]

Just wanted to let you know someone is thinking of you and hoping you are doing well despite what is going on in your life.


HC

 

[sameyeyam]

The following is just my opinion, you can flame me, tell me I don't have a clue what I'm talking about or whatever. But here goes

Why do Men Cheat?

Because sex with someone new is fun and exciting and most wives aren't providing what the men want! It's that simple. Not to mention that if you are suffering from depression, being at home is probably not the greatest place to be for him. Honestly I wouldn't want to be around someone that is suffering from long term depression and he probably doesn't want to either.

I could say I feel sorry for you, but really that would do nothing to help your depression and really would just validate your feelings.

What you need to do is deal with the depression first, tell your husband that you will not tolerate this type of behavior, be prepared to leave him if he continues. But you also need to make your home and marriage a place he wants to be. Find out what he wants and expects from the marriage, cook good meals, make the home pleasant, seduce him, let him know he's important, ask him how his day went (and really listen to his answer without commenting). If he is enjoying the time with you then he won't go outside the home.

This is just my opinion, by I have been with my husband for 23 years now. It takes a lot of effort to keep a marriage going and to keep a man from straying. But if he's getting what he wants at home, he probably won't seek it elsewhere!

 

[NeverlandClub23]

 

[disneymama73]

Can I have some? I brought drinks.