Why Do Men Cheat?

[va32h]

I have been in practically this exact same situation. I asked him to leave, and not return unless he was prepared to completely and permanently end the online crap with ANYONE, and go into family counseling.

PTSD can lead to all kinds of reckless and stupid behavior, this is one of them, good luck.

 

[MAKmom]

First it is not your fault your husband is cheating on you. It maybe a physical only relationship for him. If he is emotionally involved that's more of a problem if you want to stay with him.

Is he 40 yet? This could be a mid life thing. The depression may have been a factor but not all men would turn to another woman.

If you want out plan very well for this. If you want him back fix what is wrong. It is not fair what happened. Do not slip back into a depression.

When something like this happens you get depressed( rightly so) but if you stay sad Chemicals are released into your brain & you go into a REAL DEPRESSION. Do not let this happen.

Say to yourself everyday" I AM A STRONG,POWERFUL WOMAN. I DESERVE TO BE LOVED & TREATED RIGHT" say this out loud over & over until you believe it.

 

[bubbleprincessmom]

my husband is military as well, been in iraq now for two years and did the whole internet chatting with other woman thing too. He filed for divorce from over there last winter. Came out of the blue just like you, I know that he has seen and done things that have changed him forever, wish I could be mad at him but all I am is sad. I win in the long run because I have the love and respect and custody of our two great kids. It was hard but i had to pull myself out of the dumps I was in and get on with my life as it has changed. I started working last week for the first time in almost twenty years and that has brought me to a new set of friends/coworkers support system as well as keeps me busy now. I have a good lawyer who is up on military affairs and has fought to keep my house for me. Its sad, the army KNOWS their is a problem with their soliders and marriages with these deployments yet does nothing to stop it. Hugs to you

 

[SillyMe]

I'm sorry he's doing this to you.


Not all men cheat. There are some real men out there.

 

[summerrluvv]

I'm surprised when people blame the victim for what he/she did/did not do in the relationship. There is absolutely no excuse for cheating on your spouse/bf/gf. If you aren't happy and feel the need to stray, end the relationship...don't cheat.

 

[summerrluvv]

Its sad, the army KNOWS their is a problem with their soliders and marriages with these deployments yet does nothing to stop it. Hugs to you

Why should the military be responsible to do something to keep husbands faithful to their wives?

 

[Disney Doll]

I'm surprised when people blame the victim for what he/she did/did not do in the relationship. There is absolutely no excuse for cheating on your spouse/bf/gf. If you aren't happy and feel the need to stray, end the relationship...don't cheat.

Oh do I agree with you!!!!!

I have often said that cheating says more about the cheater than it does about the one being cheated on (the "cheatee"???). It speaks to integrity, morals and values, but mostly integrity. I consider myself a person of integrity, and if my marriage was that unhappy, I'd get out of it or I'd fix it. But I wouldn't cheat...not because of him, but because of me. I don't think it's right.

 

[Disney Doll]

Why should the military be responsible to do something to keep husbands faithful to their wives?

I think as far as support groups or emotional counselling for folks deployed.

That has to be an extraordinarily stressful period for both the soldier and their family. People do strange things when under stress, and if there were programs in place that offered support, maybe there'd be less reactive behaviors, such as cheating, gambling, drug use.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

 

[MyLittlePony123]

Just an update.

DH swears he and this girl were just friends and has cut off all communication with her. I did catch him in a few more lies - like the fact that he had her at our apartment watching scary movies one nite!

Right now I am numb and physically ill. I havent eaten anything since this all started and I get nauseated thinking about food.

DH says he loves me and doesnt want to split up but I told him that he had to prove that to me - to show me that he loved me and prove to me that he is serious about us and our relationship. I dont hold out much hope that he will do that so I don't know what else to do. I wanted to fly to where he is today to talk in person but he told me that he wasnt ready to see me.

I'm hurting so very much and usually when I hurt I run to him for comfort. My friends are being very supportive (they all want to kill him) but their comfort isn't quite the same from the man you love.

Thanks again for all of the kind words and support.

 

[MareQ]

I wanted to fly to where he is today to talk in person but he told me that he wasnt ready to see me.

.

I really hate to say this but this is SCREAMING of "something wrong" - Your marriage is in serious trouble - he wants to work it out but HE'S not "ready to see you"?????? I'd fly to wherever he is - not tell him I was coming and "surprise" him and see what I find..

 

[Ready to go in Ok]

Just an update.

DH swears he and this girl were just friends and has cut off all communication with her. I did catch him in a few more lies - like the fact that he had her at our apartment watching scary movies one nite!

Right now I am numb and physically ill. I havent eaten anything since this all started and I get nauseated thinking about food.

DH says he loves me and doesnt want to split up but I told him that he had to prove that to me - to show me that he loved me and prove to me that he is serious about us and our relationship. I dont hold out much hope that he will do that so I don't know what else to do. I wanted to fly to where he is today to talk in person but he told me that he wasnt ready to see me.

I'm hurting so very much and usually when I hurt I run to him for comfort. My friends are being very supportive (they all want to kill him) but their comfort isn't quite the same from the man you love.

Thanks again for all of the kind words and support.

Isn't it ironic that when we need comfort from our DH most is often when there is a situation like this, and there is no comfort to be given? I feel so much for you, as this was my life about 5 yrs ago. I did the surprise visit thing, and confirmed my worst fears. That kicked off about 2 months of severe depression, to the point where I had to get on medication because I wasn't eating or sleeping, and was barely able to take care of my kids. The good thing was I got over him. I grieved, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. When the grieving was over, and he came crawling back, I had nothing left for him. Nothing. Hopefully your situation will work out better, but take care of yourself. PM me if you need to, I am here often, and will listen if you need to talk.

 

[MyLittlePony123]

I really hate to say this but this is SCREAMING of "something wrong" - Your marriage is in serious trouble - he wants to work it out but HE'S not "ready to see you"?????? I'd fly to wherever he is - not tell him I was coming and "surprise" him and see what I find..

That was honestly my first instinct but I also feel that it would make me look desperate. I am so confused. I don't want to make things worse. He told me last nite to stop pushing him.

 

[pearlieq]

You said he stopped doing all those sweet things. Can I ask if you still do any sweet things for him? I ask because you said you were in a depression from your miscarriage (my sincerest condolences). Maybe he needs to know you still care about him too.

Couple of the guys I know that leave do so because the women settle into a funk, lets their bodies go, let their displays of affection dry up and basically stop trying to make the hubby happy. This in turn tells the hubby to stop trying and the vicious circle starts. And yeah, the man could be the first to stop too for whatever reason. Point being the whole "You don't care, I don't care" circle begins.

Instead of confronting him about this gal on a Myspace page. Go back to dating and dress up for a night on the town. Suprise him with something nice. Let him know that you still care. If he reciprocates, keep the ball rolling. If not then try counseling or a divorce lawyer. Of course I only suggest this if YOU still believe in the relationship.

I just beleive it take two to keep a relationship going and it's a 50/50 fight for both parties.

Oh hell no!!! Talk about your classic "blame the victim" crap!

If we were talking about her husband merely being unhappy, you have several good points. I agree that couples stop taking care of each other and sometimes forget to put effort into their marriage.

But that does not excuse or justify cheating and she owes him NOTHING now. The second he decided to "graze in another pasture", he crossed the line. If a decent man is dissatisfied with his marriage, he approaches his wife like an adult and they either work it out or part company. (I firmly believe the same goes for women too, lest I be accused of sexism). No woman can ever "drive" a man to cheat, and the actual act of cheating is NEVER her fault.

To the OP, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I hope you can find a satisfying resolution for yourself. Don't listen to chuckleheads like this poster!

 

[DisneyfeverTN]

That was honestly my first instinct but I also feel that it would make me look desperate. I am so confused. I don't want to make things worse. He told me last nite to stop pushing him.

First of all, I would like to I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is devastating to find out someone we love is being deceptive and lying.
My first DH would go out with his friends. When I found out he took off his ring, I divorced him. Life is too short to waste on someone who will not treat me with the same love and respect that I treat them. He begged and begged to come back, but it was too late. I personally did not want to live with someone that I would have to constantly worry about whether he was lying/cheating or not. That would be too stressful. We had a child together, but that was not the kind of family life I wanted him to be raised in.
Please do not blame yourself. You and your children are your priority here. I learned a long time ago that I can't control what someone else does. I wanted to find someone who wanted to be with me and would have higher morals than my ex. I did. I have been married to 2nd DH for 12 years.
I wish you good luck and the strength it will take to deal with this. I think that a lot of things happen for a reason. Sometimes we don't see it until later. You and your children deserve to be treated with love, respect, and honesty.

 

[grlpwrd]

I really hate to say this but this is SCREAMING of "something wrong" - Your marriage is in serious trouble - he wants to work it out but HE'S not "ready to see you"?????? I'd fly to wherever he is - not tell him I was coming and "surprise" him and see what I find..

I really have to agree with this surprise visit thing. I would do it like the show Cheaters and do it in stealth mode and take pictures or whatever in case you need it for litigation. Confrontation is up to you.

You don't want to make things worse? Sorry, but it's beyond that point now because surely something is going on.

I pray it's not devastating for you, but really... you don't deserve to be treated like this.

 

[Hercules10]

Oh hell no!!! Talk about your classic "blame the victim" crap!

Please remember we are getting only one side of the story from an anonomous poster who knows the majority of people here are SAHM and will eat this stuff up. There is no "Victim" here only a poster.

I wish her luck and also suggest not looking for answers on a public forum as most of us are blind to 90% of the real situation.

 

[MyLittlePony123]

Please remember we are getting only one side of the story from an anonomous poster who knows the majority of people here are SAHM and will eat this stuff up. There is no "Victim" here only a poster.

I wish her luck and also suggest not looking for answers on a public forum as most of us are blind to 90% of the real situation.

OP/victim here. Yes I understand all of that and posting here for me is therapeutic and gives me support in knowing that I am not alone. Women crave comfort and acceptance from other women and yes I absolutely expected the majority of replies to my thread to be from sympathetic women. I'm not a SAHM but I admire them greatly - your reference to them was quite derogatory and I don't appreciate it. I have a very high profile career which is not the case with most military spouses but it does mean I travel a good bit on business which apparently leaves DH ample opportunity to do as he pleases with this girl 9 years his junior.

I am floored. Totally. I never saw this coming. We were the couple that turned heads because we were always holding hands at the table and walking arm in arm. We were always asked if we were newlyweds because we exuded such love and devotion to each other. That changed with no warning.

Your views on how to save a marriage are quite archaic. A little lingerie doesn't restore trust or fix what is broken in a relationship.

 

[Race the Reaper]

 

[MAKmom]

Please remember we are getting only one side of the story from an anonomous poster who knows the majority of people here are SAHM and will eat this stuff up. There is no "Victim" here only a poster.

I wish her luck and also suggest not looking for answers on a public forum as most of us are blind to 90% of the real situation.

You really do not need to save us from the OP. What harm are we doing you offering her support? Even without hearing both sides.