Why do girls love losers?

[HunnyPots]

Seriously. Why are girls attracted to guys that have tons of emotional baggage and no plan for a better future? Guys that are perpetually down on their luck. Guys who can't keep a job. Guys who have nothing other than a bunch of excuses and hard luck stories. I do not get it, what's the attraction?
My daughter has just dumped (thank God!) another loser. This one lasted only a few months rather than a few years like the last one so maybe she's learning. I can only hope.

But I know her story is not unique - we see it here all the time! What is it about losers that make them so irrisistable to women?!?

 

[jsmith]

We need to be needed and we think we can save them-silly us.

 

[shkeogh]

Cause we're good looking...

 

[LovinPooh]

Because its exactly the type of person who our parents hate???

 

[TheGoofster]

I don't know, but all I can say is that I sure am glad that my wife did.

 

[tasha99]

Because they love a project and want to be needed. Eventually, though, most women figure out that with men there is no such thing as a fixer upper.

 

[Michelle67]

I dunno. I"m trying to figure this one out with my sister, and she is 53 years old this year. She was telling me about this really nice business owner (small hotel chain) a few years older than her that really likes her, but she refuses to date him. She came right out and said she "needs" the bad boys.

The guy two losers ago literally broke her neck. Fused discs, plates, screws, and a handicap plackard later, she's still into the bad boys. Sigh...

 

[Imzadi]

People attract that which is at their own level. These women have very deep self esteem issues & deep down they secretly think are unlovable. That they are not in the leagues to truly attract a "winning guy" who's got his act together, wants a woman at his level, and will be loved by him. They are afraid of being found out to be as unlovable as they believe they are.

It's easier to love a loser. It's obvious he doesn't have much going for him. It's not the same as being dumped by a winner as being unlovable. It's better not to even go after a winner and be rejected. Plus, a loser can't really love them anyways, since they have so much emotional baggage to get over. So that (temporarily) solves the woman's own issues of unlovability, as he can't love her. If you are afraid you are unlovable, you pick people who can't love you. If a loser dumps them, he never let them in anyways. They don't have the face the fact they actually picked him because they are desperately afraid they are unlovable. Instead, it's all the baggage, after all. Misdirection.

Also, if they are with a loser, they get to spend all their time and attention "fixing" the loser. Again, so they won't have to focus on and heal their own issues. The loser's issues are so much more prevalent. AND, if they actually get to fix a loser and he does fall in love with them, then they have done something to make them worthy and lovable - when they weren't lovable before.

Problem is, losers don't like to be fixed - especially by their girlfriends. It is a constant reminder all the time, of how much self loathing they have for themselves, to know they need fixing and are with someone who wants to fix them. Who wants someone who wants to fix them? They end up loathing just as much the one person in their corner, willing and wanting to fix them or waiting for them to be fixed.

So the woman gets (re)affirmed that she is unlovable and loathsome, which she felt deep down anyway. It's a vicious circle.

When a woman learns to love herself enough and respect herself enough, she won't want to be with losers. She will believe she deserves better. She won't want to be with someone she needs to fix, because she herself is whole. Really, what woman do you know who really has herself together - deep down, I'm not talking superficial successes, but deep down loves & honors and VALUES herself, is with a loser?

 

[Imzadi]

I dunno. I"m trying to figure this one out with my sister, and she is 53 years old this year. She was telling me about this really nice business owner (small hotel chain) a few years older than her that really likes her, but she refuses to date him. She came right out and said she "needs" the bad boys.

The guy two losers ago literally broke her neck. Fused discs, plates, screws, and a handicap plackard later, she's still into the bad boys. Sigh...

No, she's into self-loathing and punishing herself. When and if she learns to love and value herself, and forgive herself instead of punishing herself for whatever she feels she has done, or for whoever she thinks she is or is not, she won't choose men who hurt her. But, for some, it's a long, long journey from self loathing to self loving.

 

[Barbossa]

When a woman learns to love herself enough and respect herself enough, she won't want to be with losers. She will believe she deserves better. She won't want to be with someone she needs to fix, because she herself is whole. Really, what woman do you know who really has herself together - deep down, I'm not talking superficial successes, but deep down loves & honors and VALUES herself, is with a loser?

I took a "Dad's Class" a few years back. The instructor gave us these words of wisdom: A girl's father "sets the bar" for her expectations from boys/men. Raise her with plenty of love and respect, and she'll expect the same from her suitors. Needless to say, this is my mantra for my DD. In fact, I'm trying to set the bar so high that she won't start dating until she's 30!

 

[Imzadi]

In fact, I'm trying to set the bar so high that she won't start dating until she's 30!

I heard showing her potential dates your gun collection works well, too.

 

[Robinrs]

I wish I knew the answer to this. I remember reading once that women take on men for what they THINK they can change them to be and men take on women hoping they never change!

I didn't mind them when I was younger but now I have no patience for losers, male or female.

 

[Kathi OD]

I took a "Dad's Class" a few years back. The instructor gave us these words of wisdom: A girl's father "sets the bar" for her expectations from boys/men. Raise her with plenty of love and respect, and she'll expect the same from her suitors. Needless to say, this is my mantra for my DD. In fact, I'm trying to set the bar so high that she won't start dating until she's 30!

I guess that's why DD30 keeps on telling us all the guys she meets are losers....DH set the bar too high! Guess DH is one of those people who just seem to stumble upon the secrets of life.

 

[DawnM]

I believe this to be true. Thankfully, I only ever dated one bad boy and it didn't last long. He drove me crazy with how stupid he was and I didn't see change coming any time soon.....so we broke up. I have a husband who was the "safe date" and went to 7 different proms because his friends would ask him as their "safe date" if they didn't get asked. He is an all around nice guy who girls overlooked because they wanted the "bad boy." Do I need to say that we are married after 13 years and all his friends who married the bad boys have been married at least twice, some more??????

Dawn

I took a "Dad's Class" a few years back. The instructor gave us these words of wisdom: A girl's father "sets the bar" for her expectations from boys/men. Raise her with plenty of love and respect, and she'll expect the same from her suitors. Needless to say, this is my mantra for my DD. In fact, I'm trying to set the bar so high that she won't start dating until she's 30!

 

[dejr_8]

size?

 

[SC Minnie]

I don't know. My 19 yo niece has been dating this guy for 5 years that is a total loser. She just finished her freshman year in college while working 3 jobs. Her boyfriend is 23 and lost a scholarship after his 1st semester of freshman year in college because he didn't go to class. He worked at a grocery store as a bagger part time and was fired from there because he would come in late or not at all. He has not had a job in about 2 years now. So he's 23 no job, doesnt' go to school but they are talking about getting married next summer. He says he is going to get a job- doing what I have no idea because he has no skills except playing video games. She says she is going to finish school on time and continue to work multiple jobs because they are going to buy a house when they get married. I have a bad feeling that she will always be supporting this loser.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Many reasons...3 major reasons are.....

Person is "unhealthy" and is not prepared/ready to handle a mature, healthy relationship. It is work to maintain a healthy relationship. You have to be focused and goal setting.

Distraction...you have to place your needs on the back burner to deal with the loser. As someone here said it is a "project" to busy yourself with.

Superiority....A need to feel the upperhand in a relationship. If you are a "control person" this is a way to fill that need. Typically someone who is insecure will gravitate toward that relationship. They are "the relationship".

Most folks men and women at some point are anywhere on the spectrum. However once the person "knows what they want/don't want" out of life, they don't have the need to find/be with a loser. Instead they look for someone who also knows what they want.

 

[HunnyPots]

Great posts so far. Some of you seem to have a very good understanding of this situation so I'm guessing you must have dealt with it yourselves or watched a friend/family member go through it.

With my daughter, I do believe a lot of it has to do with her own inferiority issues, which no one would ever guess if they did not know her very well. She is beautiful, smart, always very popular and appears to have it all together. But I know she doesn't see herself that way.

And the other biggie is that she truly believes everyone is basically good and honest. And if they need her help, she's there to give it. And give it, and give it, and give it...

If I could only convince her that dating should not be a charitable institution...

So, the harder question: how do these "loser lovers" learn to love themselves enough to give up the "projects" and find an equality-based relationship?

 

[Robinrs]

I took a "Dad's Class" a few years back. The instructor gave us these words of wisdom: A girl's father "sets the bar" for her expectations from boys/men. Raise her with plenty of love and respect, and she'll expect the same from her suitors. Needless to say, this is my mantra for my DD. In fact, I'm trying to set the bar so high that she won't start dating until she's 30!

Awesome. My pastor once did an entire sermon about this!

My old therapist once told me that I was looking for someone who loved me like my Dad loved my Mom. It was next to impossible because in my eyes, my Dad was second only to God. He was the perfect man, loved unconditionally, protected and cherished his wife and his family. I spent so much of my life trying to find him and was constantly disappointed.

I would never accept less than that from a man and believe me, those were BIG shoes to fill. A loser had no part in my life.

 

[RadioNate]

People attract that which is at their own level. These women have very deep self esteem issues & deep down they secretly think are unlovable. That they are not in the leagues to truly attract a "winning guy" who's got his act together, wants a woman at his level, and will be loved by him. They are afraid of being found out to be as unlovable as they believe they are.

It's easier to love a loser. It's obvious he doesn't have much going for him. It's not the same as being dumped by a winner as being unlovable. It's better not to even go after a winner and be rejected. Plus, a loser can't really love them anyways, since they have so much emotional baggage to get over. So that (temporarily) solves the woman's issues of unlovability. If you are afraid you are unlovable, you pick people who can't love you. If a loser dumps them, he never let them in anyways. They don't have the face the fact they actually picked him, because really, they are desperately afraid they are unlovable. Instead, it's all the baggage, after all. Misdirection.

Also, if they are with a loser, they get to spend all their time and attention "fixing" the loser. Again, so they won't have to focus on and heal their own issues. The loser's issues are so much more prevalent. AND, if they actually get to fix a loser and he does fall in love with them, then they have done something to make them worthy lovable - when they weren't lovable before.

Problem is, losers don't like to be fixed - especially by their girlfriends. It is a constant reminder all the time, of how much self loathing they have for themselves, to know they need fixing and are with someone who wants to fix them. Who wants someone who wants to fix them? They end up loathing just as much the one person in their corner, willing and wanting to fix them. Or waiting for them to be fixed.

So the woman gets (re)affirmed that she is unlovable and loathsome, which she felt deep down anyway. It's a vicious circle.

When a woman learns to love herself enough and respect herself enough, she won't want to be with losers. She will believe she deserves better. She won't want to be with someone she needs to fix, because she herself is whole. Really, what woman do you know who really has herself together - deep down, I'm not talking superficial successes, but deep down loves & honors and VALUES herself, is with a loser?

You nailed it. And I say this as a girl who has dated more losers that she care's to admit.

I don't know what cured me. I think it was getting away on my own. College really helped. I had to find my way without my parents and my drama-filled HS friends. I had to find my likes and dislikes without following the crowd. I had to be alone for awhile.

I also needed to get over my father issues. I had a rough road with him because he (at the time) could be considered a loser. While I was in college he had a heart attack and really got his act together after that.

OP - hopefully your DD will come around sooner than later with out making too many stupid choices.