Why do girls love losers?

[starrzone]

People attract that which is at their own level. These women have very deep self esteem issues & deep down they secretly think are unlovable. That they are not in the leagues to truly attract a "winning guy" who's got his act together, wants a woman at his level, and will be loved by him. They are afraid of being found out to be as unlovable as they believe they are.

It's easier to love a loser. It's obvious he doesn't have much going for him. It's not the same as being dumped by a winner as being unlovable. It's better not to even go after a winner and be rejected. Plus, a loser can't really love them anyways, since they have so much emotional baggage to get over. So that (temporarily) solves the woman's issues of unlovability. If you are afraid you are unlovable, you pick people who can't love you. If a loser dumps them, he never let them in anyways. They don't have the face the fact they actually picked him, because really, they are desperately afraid they are unlovable. Instead, it's all the baggage, after all. Misdirection.

Also, if they are with a loser, they get to spend all their time and attention "fixing" the loser. Again, so they won't have to focus on and heal their own issues. The loser's issues are so much more prevalent. AND, if they actually get to fix a loser and he does fall in love with them, then they have done something to make them worthy lovable - when they weren't lovable before.

Problem is, losers don't like to be fixed - especially by their girlfriends. It is a constant reminder all the time, of how much self loathing they have for themselves, to know they need fixing and are with someone who wants to fix them. Who wants someone who wants to fix them? They end up loathing just as much the one person in their corner, willing and wanting to fix them. Or waiting for them to be fixed.

So the woman gets (re)affirmed that she is unlovable and loathsome, which she felt deep down anyway. It's a vicious circle.

When a woman learns to love herself enough and respect herself enough, she won't want to be with losers. She will believe she deserves better. She won't want to be with someone she needs to fix, because she herself is whole. Really, what woman do you know who really has herself together - deep down, I'm not talking superficial successes, but deep down loves & honors and VALUES herself, is with a loser?

I am sitting here with tears literally running down my face...you have put into words exactly what I've felt ever since I was 13 years old (I'm 26 now). I JUST went through this situation and it is still very raw. I keep thinking that the reason he went off and found someone else was because of something I did, but luckily I have good, rational friends who put me in my place! I've thought a lot about the relationship in the past 2 days, and I've realized that this guy has some very deep issues that are never going to be resolved, and that being with me would not have fixed anything. In hindsight, there WERE signs...but how many of us actually pay attention to them? I'm just glad that it ended before more damage was done.

Again, thanks so very much for your wonderful post...it has helped me more than you can know and I will be printing it out to read when I am feeling down.

 

[HunnyPots]

I think every girl/woman's reasons are different. My dd has a great dad. He works hard and has been there for her. When he was 24 he was already buying his first home. I can't begin to comprehend why she would be attracted to a guy that will not work and is a chronic liar among other things.

I agree! I've heard the theory that girls date losers if they have a bad relationship with their dad but I've seen just as many that have great dads and no obvious reasons for their choices.

 

[Cool-Beans]

1. They are young/immature and think that there's more than meets the eye - they will be the romantic force that changes the guy.

2. They have zero self-esteem and think that is the best they can do.

 

[Aurora63]

After reading most of your posts, I'd liket o know what most of you consider a loser to be.

When I think of a loser, I think of a man who
1. doesn't work (or who can't keep a job),
2. spends a lot of time drinking or doing drugs, and
3. treats his girlfriend/wife badly, whether it be mental, physical, emotional, or some combination of the three.

All three of these, and you've got a SUPER loser!!!

I'd love to know how to break the cycle. But I think I am doing better with each man, each has been a bit less of a loser than the one before him.

 

[horseshowmom]

I took a "Dad's Class" a few years back. The instructor gave us these words of wisdom: A girl's father "sets the bar" for her expectations from boys/men. Raise her with plenty of love and respect, and she'll expect the same from her suitors. Needless to say, this is my mantra for my DD. In fact, I'm trying to set the bar so high that she won't start dating until she's 30!

I genuinely do think this makes a difference. I know that there are always exceptions to the rule, but I think that this makes all the difference.

I have a husband who was the "safe date" and went to 7 different proms because his friends would ask him as their "safe date" if they didn't get asked. He is an all around nice guy who girls overlooked because they wanted the "bad boy." Do I need to say that we are married after 13 years and all his friends who married the bad boys have been married at least twice, some more??????

This sounds like DD. She's engaged to a young man who was overlooked by many (most) of the girls he went to high school with because he was the "nice guy". He and DD started dating just before his junior year in college and have been together since (4 years except for a 6 month break up).

Interestingly, DD has noticed that some of those girls have obviously changed their minds now (also after some bad marriages), but he wouldn't look twice at anybody but her now. DH and I don't worry about her future at all.

So, the harder question: how do these "loser lovers" learn to love themselves enough to give up the "projects" and find an equality-based relationship?

I wish I could answer this question for you...

While I am truly glad your story has a happy ending, please understand when I say I hope my daughter never reads it. The last thing I want for her is to be with another guy where she has to "get him" to go to school or get a job. She already has a problem with believing all the bums she goes out with are just princes in disguise and, sadly, they never are. They're just bums inside and out.

If it worked for you, consider yourself VERY lucky...

I have to agree with this. While I know it can happen, I think it's the exception to the rule rather than the norm. I always hate to hear a woman say that all a guy needs is the love of a good woman (no disrespect to the poster intended).

1. They are young/immature and think that there's more than meets the eye - they will be the romantic force that changes the guy.

2. They have zero self-esteem and think that is the best they can do.

 

[Handbag Lady]

OOOHhh,, I know!!

1) We can FIX them.
2) They are cute, handsome, great in the sack, etc.
3) They make us feel good for being seen with them. (they picked us over the other girls)
4) The contrast is exciting.
5) The sob stories they tell when it seems you might break up with them break your heart ("but my dad is alcoholic and my mom doesn't care. You're the ONLY one who knows the real me!").
6) Parents don't like them.

Where is my prize?

 

[Serena]

My daughter is self confident, pretty, smart and everything we all want to be. Her issue, in my less than humble opinion is along with being compassionate and has a need to help people, is control, but it's safer as well. She feels more in control when she cares a little less than they do.
She thinks something is wrong with her because she hasn't fallen madly in love yet, I tell her it's because she hasn't found the right man yet, not boy, man. One that loves her and is strong enough to be a good match for her. She hasn't met him yet, I'll know when the time comes.
Also, I fear she doesn't want to end up like me. After 23 years becoming divorced, without a job or skill. I'm afraid until she sees that I'm ok, financially independent, and in love again, that she'll keep being afraid to give her heart.

 

[moon]

I took a "Dad's Class" a few years back. The instructor gave us these words of wisdom: A girl's father "sets the bar" for her expectations from boys/men. Raise her with plenty of love and respect, and she'll expect the same from her suitors.

What about girls who grew up without a father?

 

[horseshowmom]

What about girls who grew up without a father?

I'm sure Barbossa can speak for himself, but I don't think he was insinuating that only girls who grow up with their father will turn out okay. He was just speaking from his own situation.

 

[moon]

I'm sure Barbossa can speak for himself, but I don't think he was insinuating that only girls who grow up with their father will turn out okay. He was just speaking from his own situation.

I didn't ask to be critical, I'm honestly curious. I guess I should have quoted other posts in this thread, and I've also heard that girls end up with guys like their fathers elswhere, so I wonder what happens with girls who grow up without a father?

It is an honest question asked with no malice, just curiosity.

 

[Mahnahmahnah]

My DN is with a "loser" now - funny this should come up.

Here's how he's a loser - he once stole all her b-day money we all gave her, smashed baseball bats into her car, and can not for some reason find a job. He also has come to family functions drunk and high and that to me is just discusting. Oh - and he's been in jail a number of times.

I feel bad for her, because I have been down that "loser" road myself - then my Mom was the one who talked some sense into me.

Thanks Mom!

But she makes her own decisions in life - and Auntie me has tried to talk to her, and you know what? It's kind of like a drug addict - they have to WANT to do it. Either break free or keep yourself in the "addiction".

Bottom line is love is blind

 

[HOGFAN]

I will ask my niece. She was a high school senior, great grades,looks, great future. She falls for a drop out who is living in his CAR. Twenty years and 3 kids later, they live in a dump, drive a POS, and still need money from my sister to pay their bills.

 

[Imzadi]

I didn't ask to be critical, I'm honestly curious. I guess I should have quoted other posts in this thread, and I've also heard that girls end up with guys like their fathers elswhere, so I wonder what happens with girls who grow up without a father?

It is an honest question asked with no malice, just curiosity.

Moon, I understood your question. And I *think* Horseshowmom really meant that he didn't mean to imply that that only girls who grow up with their father will turn out okay. Different tone than insinuate.

Anyway, to answer your question, which is a great one, yes, sometimes it leaves a big wound or hole that needs to be filled. The thing about a bad boy or loser is what Handbag Lady said. They create drama & excitement that really fills up a hole, whether that hole is from self esteem issues, unlovability issues, insecurity issues, loss of a dad, etc.

Handbag Lady said: They are cute, handsome, great in the sack, etc. [Exciting.]
3) They make us feel good for being seen with them. (they picked us over the other girls) [Self esteem issues - he could have picked anyone. ]
4) The contrast is exciting. [When you lead a dull, boring life, thinking no one will want you, that kind of high he provides is addicting.]
5) The sob stories they tell when it seems you might break up with them break your heart ("but my dad is alcoholic and my mom doesn't care. You're the ONLY one who knows the real me!").

For a girl with a big, insatiable wound or hole, to be with a guy who makes them feel so special, who gives them excitement in a life they didn't think they would ever be a part of, and to be told things, Jerry Maguire-style, "You complete me!" or "You're the ONLY one who knows (or understands) the real me. (And can FIX me.) That is a salve to the ego & self esteem the way no "nice boy" can fill. It means these girls have value. Not only are they lovable, they have value.

You see, "nice boys" don't say such things, at least not at first, because they are honest. They want to build a relationship honestly, and that takes time. So that when he really says he love her, she knows it's true. But the wait is not exciting - not in the intriguing way Bad Boys sweep a gal off her feet.

Bad boys/losers say it quickly, almost on the first date. They promise the moon. They are so exciting those first several dates, (pretending to be someone else until the girl gets hooked.) They know exactly how to act, what to say, & with such feeling and excitement, it's so easy, for a girl with a wound or hole, to instantly fall for him. HE knows what she needs.

Only, she's NOT falling for him, she's falling for the image he portrayed. Healthy gals know to leave when the real him shows up. But the wounded girl waits, desperately waits, hopes & dreams, that man she first met will show up again. Or that, if she fixes him, he can be that person once again. "He's just got stuff in the way from being the real him." Surely, if he was that once, if even an act, he knows how to be that person, for real, she rationalizes. He couldn't be that person, saying the right things, doing the right things at the beginning, if he didn't know HOW to be that person.

The problem is: He is NOT that person. Those are all ACTIONS, not CHARACTER. The only reason he pretended in the first place is because he is so full of self loathing and KNOWS he's such a loser that he HAS to pretend. He knows that if he showed up as he really is, NO ONE would want him.

So he hooks in the wounded girl with the self esteem/unlovability issues with the lies, the emotion, the promises. Knowing what to say, to get her to stay. He knows he has NOOOO chance with a girl who loves & respects herself. She would just up & leave when she saw who he really is. SHE HAS CHOICES.

But the girl with self esteem/unlovability issues doesn't think she has choices. She thinks the ONLY time in her life she will ever hear those words, or her feeling the way she does not is with (the image of) him. It's like what Jennifer Grey/Baby said in Dirty Dancing "I'm afraid you're going to walk out that door and I'll never feel this way again."

Can you imagine Jennifer Aniston or Jennifer Lopez saying that? When Uma Thurman found out her husband cheated on her, she kicked him out. Women who know they are lovable and have choices, don't stay with men who mistreat them.

A secondary issue is, HE knows he's not the person he portrayed and that she loves that person, not the real him. That makes him loathe her for loving the image of him. (even though he set it up. ) It also makes him loathe himself. She is a constant reminder of who he is not, how unlovable the real him is. So he punishes & abuses her for loving that guy.

On one level, he does want her. She displays undying hope for the person he could be. His potential. The man he wishes he could be. She believes in him like no one else. (Everyone else pretty much kicks him to the curb.) Sometimes, he even rises to the occasion ans tries - for a while, until he fails. Then secretly, he blames her for the attempt. For her having such high standards for him. (Even though he set the bar with his own lies.) So he punishes her again, when he should be punishing himself. Or maybe he does punish himself with alcohol & drugs.

On another level, she believes in the image, which he knows is not him. So he pushes her away, then pulls her back in.

The cycle continues. . .

 

[Caradana]

Imzadi described it well. I believe that all of those factors play in. To summarize, "girls date what they think they deserve."

The key question is, can we do anything to ensure that our daughters (and future daughters) don't feel those gaping holes in their hearts? How do you raise a daughter who feels confident and cool, smart and savvy? Because that's the girl who winds up with nice-guy syndrome - the girl who consistently attracts the nicest guy in the room.

As for myself personally: I grew up without a father. I had a stepfather for a while, a wonderful guy, who died of cancer at 50. And I have yet to date a loser. I had long-term ex-boyfriends attending my wedding. Either the stepfather is watching over me in heaven, or else I just feel like I deserve better, and I was infused with that strength by my own mother.

 

[moon]

Imzadi, thank you for explaining. I think you hit the nair right on the head. I think you explained it beautifully, and even though I've never been involved in a relationship like that, I can see why would it be appealing for someone who wants to fill a big void in their lives.

Caradana, thank you for sharing your own experience. Perhaps having your wondeful step-father with you even if it wasn't for long helped you also. I think it's great that you haven't dated a loser.

 

[starrzone]

Imzadi, I think you're psychic; your last post describes EXACTLY what I think happened with my last relationship. I KNOW I have horrible self-esteem issues, and I felt (and in a way, still feel) like no one will ever like me because I (fill in the blank!). Can you come live at my house? I think I could use you to ground me...!