Why am I so jealous of ex's?

[counteroffer]

I am going to start out saying that I am pretty humiliated having to post this to begin with and am actually looking for advice on how to get over this stupid thing. And it IS stupid.

I have been married for a long time and for whatever reason, the thought of any of my DH's ex's drives me nuts. He had friended 3 of them on Facebook and I did not like that, I don't like seeing their pictures, I don't even like to vacation places that I know they have been together. I know this is absolutely STUPID but I don't know why I am so insecure about this. My Dh is amazing and has never given me any reason to be jealous or upset about other women. I bring this all on myself. I know he loves me, I know that he is happy being married to me. I even know that I should have the thought in my head of I am the one that ended up with him, he did not want the others.

I am truly looking for someone to virtually slap me upside my head and tell me how to get over this.

 

[Luvchefmic]

I am going to start out saying that I am pretty humiliated having to post this to begin with and am actually looking for advice on how to get over this stupid thing. And it IS stupid.

I have been married for a long time and for whatever reason, the thought of any of my DH's ex's drives me nuts. He had friended 3 of them on Facebook and I did not like that, I don't like seeing their pictures, I don't even like to vacation places that I know they have been together. I know this is absolutely STUPID but I don't know why I am so insecure about this. My Dh is amazing and has never given me any reason to be jealous or upset about other women. I bring this all on myself. I know he loves me, I know that he is happy being married to me. I even know that I should have the thought in my head of I am the one that ended up with him, he did not want the others.

I am truly looking for someone to virtually slap me upside my head and tell me how to get over this.

you only asked for a slap and ...I couldn't FIND a slap

hope I made you smile for a second anyway

 

[Robinrs]

I am going to start out saying that I am pretty humiliated having to post this to begin with and am actually looking for advice on how to get over this stupid thing. And it IS stupid.

I have been married for a long time and for whatever reason, the thought of any of my DH's ex's drives me nuts. He had friended 3 of them on Facebook and I did not like that, I don't like seeing their pictures, I don't even like to vacation places that I know they have been together. I know this is absolutely STUPID but I don't know why I am so insecure about this. My Dh is amazing and has never given me any reason to be jealous or upset about other women. I bring this all on myself. I know he loves me, I know that he is happy being married to me. I even know that I should have the thought in my head of I am the one that ended up with him, he did not want the others.

I am truly looking for someone to virtually slap me upside my head and tell me how to get over this.

The bolded words.

Have more faith in YOU. Insecurity is such a turn off and belittles you. As you said you have no reason to be upset so believe that.

I have friend at least 6 of my exes and I have NO interest in any of them. My SO knows about it and doesn't fret about it at all. Why, because he is the most secure person I've ever met and to me, THAT'S a turn on!

 

[Handbag Lady]

Admitting you know your feelings are wrong is a good start. All you need is a shot of self-esteem.

Imagine your DH on his worst day. Imagine one of them having to clean up after him if he's ill with the flu. You probably can't picture them being as loving and as caring as you. YOU are the one he chose, not them. Who cleans and washes his underthings? Who picks up the house mostly? Who makes sure he eats and is clean? (I feel like I'm comparing your DH to a baby, but that's not what I mean to do.) You are with your husband for a reason: you are his wife. They are not.

 

[Robinrs]

you only asked for a slap and ...I couldn't FIND a slap

hope I made you smile for a second anyway

Love it!!! Here's a little slap:

 

[NY Disney fan]

The bolded words.

Have more faith in YOU. Insecurity is such a turn off and belittles you. As you said you have no reason to be upset so believe that.

I respectfully disagee with this. OP, I'm not going to turn it around on you and say you are insecure. I think your feelings are valid and I would not appreciate my husband befriending his exes on Facebook. Don't have any real advice except to say: I understand. Best I can say is talk to him about it.

 

[Luvchefmic]

Love it!!! Here's a little slap:

Oh my goodness...she needs something better, I'm going with mine...yours is like a teetsie fly

Seriously OP all of the above is right on the money. Work on your self worth and don't even think about anyone in the PAST

 

[NY Disney fan]

Seriously OP all of the above is right on the money. Work on your self worth and don't even think about anyone in the PAST

If his girlfriends are in the past, why does she have to see them everyday on Facebook. That is what is bothering her.

 

[counteroffer]

If his girlfriends are in the past, why does she have to see them everyday on Facebook. That is what is bothering her.

That is correct. I cannot let them be in the past because they really are not in the past, they have crept into the current. In his defense, I did talk to him about it and he did defriend them but I know he was wondering why he had to. Why I was so upset about it because he did not do anything wrong.

I feel bad that he felt like he had to defriend them to make me happy. It is just silly that I should care.

Now - one does live right in my city (he found out after he friended her) and we have run into her. So she is a little harder to leave in the past.

 

[counteroffer]

you only asked for a slap and ...I couldn't FIND a slap






hope I made you smile for a second anyway

LOL yes, you made me smile.

Admitting you know your feelings are wrong is a good start. All you need is a shot of self-esteem.

Imagine your DH on his worst day. Imagine one of them having to clean up after him if he's ill with the flu. You probably can't picture them being as loving and as caring as you. YOU are the one he chose, not them. Who cleans and washes his underthings? Who picks up the house mostly? Who makes sure he eats and is clean? (I feel like I'm comparing your DH to a baby, but that's not what I mean to do.) You are with your husband for a reason: you are his wife. They are not.

Thank you for this. I really need to remember everything that you said when I feel myself getting all riled up about this.

Love it!!! Here's a little slap:

Oh my goodness...she needs something better, I'm going with mine...yours is like a teetsie fly

Seriously OP all of the above is right on the money. Work on your self worth and don't even think about anyone in the PAST

She is right, I need a bigger slap.

 

[Luvchefmic]

Then tell him how you really feel about the friending on Facebook..

 

[NY Disney fan]

I did talk to him about it and he did defriend them but I know he was wondering why he had to. Why I was so upset about it because he did not do anything wrong.

I feel bad that he felt like he had to defriend them to make me happy. )

As your husband he should be bending over backward to please you. You are his best friend and partner. He feels bad about defriending them? Oh well, that's just too bad. I don't understand married men who want to socialize with their exes. If that makes me primitive then call me Caveman Jones.

ETA: de-friending is not so much about jealousy as it is about keeping the intimacy and spark alive in your marriage. Don't let any leaks out.

 

[wvjules]

He's with you and not them. That's all you need to remember.

 

[disykat]

I respectfully disagee with this. OP, I'm not going to turn it around on you and say you are insecure. I think your feelings are valid and I would not appreciate my husband befriending his exes on Facebook. Don't have any real advice except to say: I understand. Best I can say is talk to him about it.

I agree. Obviously, if an ex is your next door neighbor or something you have to deal with her. However, I would also have a hard time if DH was choosing to start contacting ex girlfriends and befriending them on facebook.

DH has met some people I dated in the past. He has been included in our interactions though. I can't imagine seeing one of them and not mentioning it to him. Facebook can be a dangerous thing IMO because it's such a constant presence and it's easy to slip into sort of an intimacy. It's a well known way of starting affairs.

Honestly, if an ex boyfriend wanted to be my friend I'd probably talk to my DH about it before accepting and then if I did, I'd "hide" them so they weren't constantly on my wall. Sometimes the past is best left behind.

 

[counteroffer]

I think this really all comes down to my self-esteem and needing to work on it. Seeing from the posts on this thread, it seems like it is what most of you are saying.

It is silly that I would be worried about this women. They are all married and have moved on from him, and I need to look at the fact that they sent him friend requests as just curiosity on their parts. Wondering how people are and where they ended up is completely normal in the Facebook world. I know that and I am sure that is what is going on here. I just need to work on feeling better about myself, and realizing that he is not going to all of a sudden decide that he really should have ended up with one of them.

 

[NY Disney fan]

He's with you and not them. That's all you need to remember.

He's with her, but his ex-girlfriends are in their lives via Facebook (thanks to hubby). It is unbalanced.

 

[wvjules]

He's with her, but his ex-girlfriends are in their lives via Facebook (thanks to hubby). It is unbalanced.

But he is not "with" them. He is with the OP. THEY have a life together. The FB friendships with the ex's aren't even an issue, IMO. OP needs to work on her self-esteem and self-worth and remember that he married HER not any of them.

 

[counteroffer]

As your husband he should be bending over backward to please you. You are his best friend and partner. He feels bad about defriending them? Oh well, that's just too bad. I don't understand married men who want to socialize with their exes. If that makes me primitive then call me Caveman Jones.

ETA: de-friending is not so much about jealousy as it is about keeping the intimacy and spark alive in your marriage. Don't let any leaks out.

See I don't even really agree with this. He should be making me happy yes, but I feel that my own actions are silly. I am friends with an ex and have been friends with him for 21 years and if DH asked me to stop being friends with him, I would, but I would be really upset about it. He does not care though and has met him several times. He is really a secure guy and never worries about these things.

I am not undertanding you last part, can you elaborate a little bit? We do plenty to keep the spark alive so I don't know what that means.

I agree. Obviously, if an ex is your next door neighbor or something you have to deal with her. However, I would also have a hard time if DH was choosing to start contacting ex girlfriends and befriending them on facebook.

DH has met some people I dated in the past. He has been included in our interactions though. I can't imagine seeing one of them and not mentioning it to him. Facebook can be a dangerous thing IMO because it's such a constant presence and it's easy to slip into sort of an intimacy. It's a well known way of starting affairs.

Honestly, if an ex boyfriend wanted to be my friend I'd probably talk to my DH about it before accepting and then if I did, I'd "hide" them so they weren't constantly on my wall. Sometimes the past is best left behind.

In his defense, he did not seek them out and ask them to be friends. They found him and asked him to be friends. I have full access to his facebook account (as he does mine) because neither of us have anything to hide.

That is why I feel like my feelings are so silly. It is not as if he is sneaking around looking for these old flames, they found him and he said that he did not want to seem like a jerk so he friended them.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am in with those who believe that 'you can't, and shouldn't ignore what is current... what is in-your-face....

OP, sorry your DH seems to be more concerned with whether he might be seen as a jerk to his ex-girlfriends than he is about focusing on you, and your marriage.

Now, I am not saying that he has really done anything wrong... But, it is what it is... I agree with your feelings.

A person always has a right to their feelings.
Your feelings are always valid.
(feelings do not necessarily have a right or wrong...)
When you tell yourself your feelings are silly,worthless,etc... That is self-depreciation.

 

[brasswillow]

I respectfully disagee with this. OP, I'm not going to turn it around on you and say you are insecure. I think your feelings are valid and I would not appreciate my husband befriending his exes on Facebook. Don't have any real advice except to say: I understand. Best I can say is talk to him about it.

I totally agree. Your DH should respect your feelings about keeping in contact with his ex's. I don't think you should be concerned about his feelings for you, but if you're feeling uncomfortable about it I think you should tell him.