OK, let me first state that I made EVERY effort to invite every family's child *by name*, and to invite spouses, engaged couples, and significant others *by name*, with only the occasional "and guest" for those singles who wanted to have a date there, or for those who just started dating people but hadn't told us.
After doing so, inviting a total of about 120 or 130, we got "yes" answers for 90, and that's what we paid, 2 weeks before the wedding, for. About 70 showed up. Sigh.
There were 4 children there, and 2 of them were in the wedding party. After doing all the work to get every child's name (except for a co-worker of hubby's, who REFUSED to give his kids' names b/c he thought it was silly to invite them), only 4.
We also had people show up alone when they had been invited as a duo, and some of them didn't show up when they had said yes.
In OUR case, WE were the ones hurt by the guest list!
BUT I was engaged for 2 years, and the first wedding book I bought was Peggy Post's etiquette book (she's the daughter or grand daughter in law of Emily Post and is the one updating the Post books nowadays), and I wanted to do everything "beyond" the book, but not everyone does that.
You mentioned that no one doesn't do "and guest" in your area? Beg to differ. The only reason my now DH was invited to my friend's wedding in Cherry Hill (she was from Hadden Heights) was b/c we had just gotten re-engaged. We had been engaged, had some problems and called a halt to everything, but we were still together...our wedding was supposed to be right before my friend's, and we had been together with our SOs the same amount of time. But she called RIGHT before sending out the invites to see if we were engaged again, to see if she should include him on the invite. She had no unengaged or married "guests" at her wedding. So there ARE people who do that out in your area (according to your Location).
It didn't seem that way, but maybe I misunderstood. I know she is inviting step cousins through marriage that she has not even met, but they are a "cousin" in her words. I can't imagine leaving out the sig other of a cousin you are close to, who is taking semi-pro pics of your wedding for free, in order to invite family members you don't see at any other time.
I lived with my now husband for two years before we got married. We never were officially engaged.
Well, what does "officially" engaged mean? At some point you two decided that you would get married, right? As soon as that decision was made, you were engaged, to most people. There are some incredibly odd people who see engagement as equalling a ring (and a sub-set that ONLY see a diamond ring as being an "engagement ring"), but most of the time, engaged is a mindset of "we're going to get married", yes?
Some people really love family, and really want FAMILY to be there. I invited EVERY aunt and uncle, EVERY child of theirs that I could, even though I hadn't seen them in ages. I really REALLY wanted them there, and we ended up leaving some friends off our list b/c of that. Now, they were friends who didn't meet the "5 years" list, where hubby just wanted to invite people b/c they used to be his friends forever ago...they were dropped b/c we wanted family to be there.
Honestly, if your daughter is/was planning on doing the photography, I don't know why she'd want her S.O. to go. She'd be too busy working to spend any time with him and he'd end up at a table with semi-strangers. I enver understood why anyone in the wedding party would want to bring a date if they weren't married.
Or even if they are!
Who wants to go to a wedding with no date?
Me!
I used to think I didn't like to go alone, but once I had someone to go with, I realized that his only reason for being there was to keep bringing me drinks or grab me the "good" stuff from the food tables while I socialized or was having pictures taken if I was a b'maid. Nowadays I'd rather bring a nicer gift and NOT pay for hubby to travel to the wedding.
Now if only some of my single-again friends would get hitched, so I could put that plan into practice!!!
Making the wedding list is one of the most stressful parts of the planning. (just wait until she tries the seating chart).
Be patient with the bride. The stress she's under is probably unlike anything she's ever experienced. Every bride and groom need to cut their list somewhere and all risk offending someone to do it. Cutting it at fiancees/spouses is fairly common.
Oh the guest list was hard. My family REFUSED to help, and so did hubby's family. And the only reason I didn't get the stress of the seating chart was that my best friend wound up in the hospital, almost dying, and I spent the weeks before the wedding sitting at her side with her sisters, making sure the doctors understood what she was saying in her morphine haze (averted one BAD medical decision by doing so, when they weren't reading charts but relying on morphine-girl to give them accurate information). I brought my seating chart info, but somehow it just didn't seem important, sitting there with her.
How does one know how long people have been in a relationship, or how serious it is? That would really drive me crazy to try to figure that out.
Why is my brother invited who hasn't spoken to my aunt/uncle/cousin in the last 12 years?
And that's likely why they decided on the line of engagement. Because they didn't want to have to figure all that out.
Maybe your brother is invited b/c she loves him and wants him to be there.
Not much different from being married other than there is no "official" paper.
Right or wrong, but SOME people, having made the decision to get the piece of paper (and almost 5 years married, I really do just see it as a piece of paper, LOL), see that piece of paper as being Very Important. And some people, having made that decision, find it to be very important to make that distinction. THEY are making the decision to get the piece of paper; that paper is important to them. And some people in that state of mind simply do not understand why others would not.
Remembering that we DID invite everyone along with their sig others, I remember wondering why my BIL and his long-time partner hadn't gone to MA to get married. They both wore rings, but hadn't had a ceremony even though they could have traveled to do so. When CA briefly allowed gay marriages, before it was overturned a few years ago, we didn't understand why they didn't do that. In THEIR circumstance, ultimately, it may have been b/c their relationship was broken, and his partner moved out very dramatically, stealing about 75K from the family. In THEIR case I came to an understanding from events that happened later, but it WAS on my mind back then, why they hadn't gone a'traveling to get a "piece of paper" in the state where it was and is allowed.
Right or wrong, maybe knowing the state of mind will help you.
Again, this is just my belief. I would never invite an adult to any kind of formal event without including a guest. That's where I draw the line.
When your DD gets married, try to remember that line.
Times have changed. People are no longer happy to "just" share in your day and be served good food and drink, dance, and have a good time. That is no longer enough for today's guests. Nope. They have to have ONLY the food they want, served at the time they want, with the drink they want (and heaven forbid if there's alcohol when they don't believe in it), have babysitters provided, and get to choose who is on the guest list. Having been in the bridal industry, I have said recently that the real bridezillas are not the brides, but the guests who these days bring not a gift but a sense of entitlement to the proceedings.
Here is what I know from being in the business: Brides cannot win. If they don't provide superduper food and entertainment, they are cheap and horrible. If they don't invite everyone who has any reason whatsoever to want a ticket, they are horrible. If they have great food and drink, they must be mortgaging their future to waste their money on one day. If they have a large enough wedding to accomodate all of the demands for invitations, then they clearly invited all 'those' people for a blatant gift grab. If they can't afford to be everything to everybody, then they should have just eloped and spared us the 'disappointment' of attending an event that's not up to 'our' standards. And on and on and on.
You are my hero.
Also, let me add that my son got married this past November and the only people there were siblings and their sig others and the parents. No aunts, no uncles, no cousins, no grandparents, no friends. My son was suppose to get married this coming October, but due to financial and other concerns, they decided to get married right away, and informed us two weeks prior to the date.
They got married in a park by a judge, and we had a post wedding dinner at a nearbye restaurant. My brother and sister were very, very upset. They just couldn't understand why they weren't invited since they were very close to my son. I totally understood how they felt, but if they were invited then my son's dad's siblings and their families would have had to be invited, and then the dinner bill would have been outrageous. This is how my son chose to do it. To this day neither my brother or my sister has even sent them a congratulatory card.
My point is that if you can't invite everyone, then don't invite anyone. You can't pick and choose whose relationship is longer, more stable, more "engaged", or whatever. That's all. If I wasn't invited to my cousin's wedding due to cost, THAT'S FINE, just don't invite me without my husband,
In your circumstance, having *just* had that experience with your son, I would think you would be one of the MOST understanding people! You were inside the circle in the case of your son. You understood his decisions. Then again, you still expect a congratulations when you haven't announced his marriage formally (announcements can be SEEN as grabby, but MANY people send them out to announce something, not to ask for something, and celebrations of marriages when there was none before are lovely...I think you should have one for your son), so maybe the bigger picture of all of this is still fuzzy.
Each couple and the families closest to the couple has to make the decisions that can be made by them. Your son made a decision and it seems you went along with it, even though it hurt the people most genetically related to you (assuming you're not adopted, whoops).
Your cousin, her fiance, and the close parents have made a decision you wouldn't have made. Maybe they wouldn't have gone along with the decision your son made. Maybe it's horrid to them, what your son did. Maybe each of you has different criteria for inviting people...if your cousin hasn't said anything to you about your son's wedding, maybe you should take that to heart.
Weddings are really a pain. Someone is always hurt. Which is why the second time around we eloped!
Seems you DO understand the big picture of all of this. I bet that your eloping hurt some people too. If they came to be OK with it, maybe that can be thought of in this circumstance.
I think sending out announcements sometimes looks like you are looking for a gift. I'm just saying that with weddings, no matter what, someone is always hurt. I've been thinking of having a big end of summer barbeque/wedding celebration, but again, is that tacky? I think it might be.
It doesn't have to be tacky. Not at all. Have the celebration! Allow your family, the ones not invited to their nephew's wedding, to come and formally celebrate his marriage.
Maybe the bride thought you son would like someone to hang around.
Maybe your daughter mentioned her Boyfriend hates weddings
Maybe three of her other cousin has a live in as well and that would be more people then the room could hold
There are a million reasons why
These days a bride can win
Some people complain when their cousins kids boyfriend was invited (gift grab) but this one its an insult.
Ooh true. Maybe the cousin, being friends with your DD, knows something you don't know. Maybe that's why she didn't invite the boyfriend.
And isn't THAT true, about cousin's kid's boyfriend! It's amazing how far away in relation that can sound in one context, but how close in relation it is in another context!
"She told me her parents made up the list. Yea right, she's 30 years old herself for God's sake. "
She's told this to you. There's really no reason to disbelieve it. When making up OUR wedding list, my friends couldn't believe that we had NO familial input. Especially since my dad paid for it. I had to nearly beg and plead for addresses from people I really wanted there, and in some cases it was refused, b/c the families didn't see the point of inviting them. I wanted a big party with people that we cared about, with family friends and friends and family all getting together and having a grand time, but it was an uphill climb to get most of those addresses.
My friends on the other hand had family ALL in their guest lists (meaning that we were an anomaly) no matter their age, and no matter who was paying for the wedding.
She gave you a very plausible explanation. Maybe it's not how YOU are going to do things when your DD gets married (it being traditional that you'll have more "say" for a DD's than a DS's wedding), but it might very well be what is going on in your cousin's life.
