When is it time to charge rent to children?

[dizneydiva2005]

I'm a strong believer in helping my kids get the best start in life. So this why I'm having a hard time with my question.

My oldest son is 20, he works hard at 2 jobs. He works full time and then owns his own lawn service. We live in the south and it's a huge business... but he just started out, so it's slow to build customers. But he's on the ball building it. Gotta give him credit there.
He pays for his own truck, car and health ins., And I was comfortable with that until his fiance had to move in. She got kicked out of her house because her parents caught her smoking cigs. (she's also 20) She works full time plus just got another part time job starting next month.

Her parents will not pay for the wedding because she is living here. Although, they kicked her out of their house. They wanted her to learn her lesson and sleep on the streets. (I swear it) of course, as my husband says, we take in stray animals, clearly we're going to take in a person.

Ok, so I realize they are working and trying to save for a wedding, that we can't at the moment afford to pay for either. (not that her parents can afford one right now either, her father barely works and the mother doesn't. She has no other kids living at home but says she can't work.)
My Husbands work has been slow. We've lost over $80,000 in income alone in the last year. So yeah, we're struggling to keep up with the bills. We pay everything each month, but there's not a lot left over, for now. I realize someday his business will pick back up, it's just going to take time.

Now, my whole point is, we're struggling too - and havne't expected money from the kids. I pay for all their food (unless they eat out) electric, cable, supplies, and so on.
At first, she was sorta helping clean up- but that stopped. I have 3 bathrooms, one which is theirs and my and hubby ended up cleaning last night. I was having a bad day- and that broke the dam. I shouldn't have to clean up after them?!!!! As it is, I cook the meals, shop for everything, and pretty much pay for everything.

So I told them last night, that IN no way should I ever have to clean up after them. I don't even get help after dinner- when I cooked it. Well, ok, sometimes they clear the table. From time to time load or unload the dishwasher....

And I told them they needed to talk over how much they could 'help' out with as far as food and electric each month. I didn't put in a price. But like I explained, I buy the cleaning products and you can't even use them to clean up your bathroom! I buy all of the laundry supplies, food... and so I think it's time they kick in a few bucks. Of course, I feel terrible.
She owes her parents a few hundred dollars for when she left, they let her borrow money to buy a car. (a couple of hundred, nothing big) and she's paying them back. GREAT, but I'm the one raising her now, not them. I feel bad about feeling like this, but I think it's time she pays something around here.

Am I totally wrong or on the mark?? When is it time to start charing your kids? How much is ok to charge, if you do? I honestly , wasn't saying my son had to pay but more HER.... but included both of them... because maybe it's time for him as well. I understand times are tough!! But when it is time to say... sorry, you live here too, you have to help.

Ok, ok, thanks for listening to me ramble... I'm worried I did something bad-- or did I do something OK???

TIA for your help.

Please don't write and say... what a horrible mother I am for asking for some 'money' each month. I mean, you can but please be nice. LOL I really hate when threads get ulgy.

I do work from home (travel agent for Disney) and I also homeschool my 2 other children. So I'm not a lazy pig who doesn't do anything all day.

 

[edandcolleen1995]

Pretty simple rule that my parents had for the 5 of us kids..

We did not pay rent if in school. Once we finished school or left school, you paid rent. During summer you paid rent.

In your case, I would sure make him pay rent. Heck his g-friend is living there also!!! No way I would just allow them to live there rent free like that.

 

[dizneydiva2005]

Thanks! I see you are from the Hudson Valley area. I grew up there!! In Kinderhook.

 

[DMickey28]

I think it's pretty acceptable to ask for help right now. I'd ask for food money OR take turns buying the groceries each week. I'd also ask for a % of the electric bill. Any bill that you see an increase in because they live there, I'd ask for money.

Do you have bills from last year or the Spring or other similar time of year to compare to when it comes to electric, water etc? Unless the cable is costing more via more boxes or upgraded service, I wouldn't charge for that.

I'd also advise them that you expect them to keep up after themselves and help with the family. If you cook everynight, you expect them to clean up the dishes. Maybe not full kitchen clean up duty but they can't just walk into the kitchen, eat dinner and walk out again. They need to contribute just as they would if they lived in their own apartment. They need to keep their own bathroom clean. If they don't ... can you close the door to it? Just keep an eye and make sure it doesn't get so bad it does damage (ie mold, bugs or something). As long as it's not a bathroom you use, just close the door.

If they do not start picking up some slack around the house I'd ask for money specifically for rent to cover the extra work you are doing.

Those are my ideas as a 31 year old with a 2 year old who has spent the last three months living back at home while DH and I work on buying a house!!

 

[Vixen]

what they kicked her out for smoking cigs??

 

[mjkacmom]

I payed rent as soon as I graduated college and got a job. They should be helping around around the house, and paying room and board. They are two adults, living in your home, not children.

 

[JCJRSmith]

No issues here with what you did. I think you may want to have a family meeting - you, DH, DS and Future-DIL, and go over household expenses, chores, and what is expected. This is also a gentle way to prepare them for the time when they are on their own.

 

[wdwfan16]

If they are adults and not full time students then they pay rent. There are no free rides for adults. They live there so they need to clean too. I would say $400 ($200 each)/month is about right.

 

[Christine]

Here was my mom's deal and I was one of those spoiled, only children.

As long as I was in school, I could live at home and be supported. If I chose not to go to college and get a job, I was welcome to live at home but I had to pay rent. In 1982, my rent was $200 per month, which is kind of steep if you think about it but I was actually making decent money. My mom kept me on her car insurance so that money was part of it.

I think that as soon as your son started working, he should have given you some money. Now that he is doing so well, but admittedly trying to get ahead, he should still pay you. It's good for them to learn how to set aside money because they will have a mortgage one day.

If it makes you feel better, put some of it aside for their wedding.

 

[EthansMom]

It's time to start charging something now. IMO, they should be paying something (maybe a couple hundred dollars a month) toward the house and some part of the utilities (say 1/3 of the electricity). Also, they should be buying some groceries and keeping their part of the house picked up.

BTW, it only costs about $100 to get married in the judge's chambers so quit worrying about them having enough money to get married. Maybe you could save some of the money they contribute to the household expenses to help pay for wedding expenses (a budget wedding). If they want somthing fancier then they can pay for it themselves.

 

[JessicaR]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. What did the kids say when you told them? I doubt they think you are unreasonable. Paying towards food and utilities is the responsible thing for them to do. It will serve them well in the future to be aware and help out now.

I would also insist they clean up after themselves and pitch in on household chores!

You sound like a great Mom.

 

[bunny]

but I'm the one raising her now, not them.

If they are old enough to be playing "house", they are old enough to pay their own way. Apparently you think they are responsible enough to handle an adult relationship. What a sweet set-up for them! Maybe I am old fashioned, but I can't imagine shacking up with my boyfriend at his parent's house. To top it off not even helping around the house or paying any bills. It is time for them to grow up. They are already married in all sense of the word. They need their own place. They need to get married for real.

 

[disykat]

I payed rent as soon as I graduated college and got a job. They should be helping around around the house, and paying room and board. They are two adults, living in your home, not children.

I agree. Your problem is that they are acting like children and clearly need instruction on how to behave in this living situation. I don't envy you - it's hard enough parenting your own child through this transition and you've basically gained another one.

 

[ahutton]

I would look at their future plans... Do they plan to move out into an apartment? What if they paid you that as "test rent" to make sure their budget can afford the life they want to lead? You could use a portion of that to help offset their additional expenses in your home, and put the rest into savings for them that could be used for down payment or deposit on a future residence.

Budgeting can be really hard - it would be a good time to learn it. If they both have full time jobs they should be making sure they are working towards something and not just spending their cash on going out and having fun while they live with you. Add in that they have extra part time jobs, all the more reason they should be looking at a budget for life!

 

[NotUrsula]

Well, I wouldn't be cleaning their bathroom, that's for sure. If they are adults (and as you're letting them live together under your roof, I presume that you consider them such), then their space in the house is theirs, and you don't enter it without an invitation. However, along with that comes the responsibility to pay for the use of the space. Rent would be a given in my house. (Well, actually, in my house this whole scenario wouldn't be happening. I expect my kids to move out ASAP once they start working full-time.)

I don't blame her parents for refusing to pay for a wedding. She's essentially homeless, for cripe's sake. Those kind of screwed-up priorities should NOT be enabled. IMO they have no business actively planning a wedding if they cannot fully support themselves, and you shouldn't support that goal. What they SHOULD be saving for are deposits so that they can get their own place to live and a commercial space for his business. (If they are smart they will kill both birds with one stone, renting a place that is zoned commercial but has some small living space.)

It sounds like your son is on the right track re: his business plans, but the marriage idea is going to derail him if he isn't careful. If they really feel that they MUST get married in the near future (for whatever reason), then I suggest a courthouse or backyard plan, because that is all that they can realistically afford until that business is established. Among other things, the liability and worker's comp insurance for a landscaping business is expensive, because the equipment is hazardous.

 

[Disnydad]

Same rule here. If not in school FULL TIME, I paid room & board.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Actually, I would probably give them a date they need to move out.

Now I know that is not what you are asking about but my gut feeling in your situation is that "it is time".

I got married at the JOP. If that is why they are living there, to save up for a wedding, that is silly to me.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I'm all about diplomacy so before i say anything know this is where I'm coming from. I don't know how I feel about asking for rent because even though it is perfectly reasonable I think it has a connotation of profit. Now according to your post this is not at all the case but, my point is, that since the money would just get dropped into a pool of household income it COULD generate hard feelings. That said how about just asking them to take over a few household bills equivalent to what you'd like them to kick in? If for example, you'd like $500 a month how about asking them to pay for gas, electric and the telephone and cable? The end result is the same, they are reducing you're financial burden and you do get more disposable income in your pocket equal to what they are paying, BUT the form is different and will be recieved differently. Picking up the tab for bills is tangible, they can see in black & white what it costs to run your home and will feel like they are contributing towards household costs, a household they are a part of not being treated as borders. Does this make sense?

In my opinion approach is everything especially when you consider the fact that one day you will probably need your son and his fiance to help you out either financially or when your health begins to fail in old age. It's best to not generate hard feelings they will, no doubt, remember.

I would never ask my kids to leave after all, if I do why on earth would they or their spouses be willing to take me in when I'm old and need care? Sure it's inconvenient but it's the cycle of life isn't it? At least that's how I see it.

 

[minniecarousel]

awwww....it sounds like you may have "blown up" at them? That's probably not the way you wanted to resolve this. So, now, I'd recommend sitting them down, and if you did blow up, apologize - BUT - talk it out and tell them that they need to help out both financially as well as physically. You're doing them no favor by giving them a free ride. You need to help them see what it's like to have monthly bills and obligations. You don't want to charge them as much as it would cost them to live in an apt - you want them to save so that they CAN do that. But you need to have them chip in.

True story: I was living at home, paying my parents rent (I had a good job). I was getting married and wasn't sure how we were going to pay for it. Turns out, my Dad had been putting the $$ I paid them into a special acct and used it to pay for most of the wedding. It was a terrific surprise!

 

[2binak]

Pretty simple rule that my parents had for the 5 of us kids..

We did not pay rent if in school. Once we finished school or left school, you paid rent. During summer you paid rent.

In your case, I would sure make him pay rent. Heck his g-friend is living there also!!! No way I would just allow them to live there rent free like that.

Same here - 5 kids in our house too and this was the rule. If you graduated high school and didn't go to college, you got a job and started paying a little something towards the rent, food & other bills. I think you're right to ask them to help out. After all, they're planning on getting married so they need to learn how to manage their time & money. They need to manage time by cooking & cleaning and manage money by helping with the bills. It would be great if, rather than just taking the money, you have them cook with you and sit with you when you do bills so they can learn how to budget and pay on time, etc. if they don't already know how to do these things.

My sister did everything for her kids and didn't get a dime from them. I asked one of her sons why he didn't do his own laundry and his response was, "I don't have the time". I told him that part of being an adult was learning how to manage time between work, home responsibilities and fun. We had a long talk and after that, her kids started helping out around the house and giving her some money each month. She wanted to have the conversation, but couldn't bring herself to do it.