When is it time to charge rent to children?

[LisaR]

Hmmm........I think I am going to take a different opinion from everyone else.

First off, it sounds to me like you were perfectly happy with the arrangement of no rent when it was just your son living at home. You note that he works very hard and he pays for his own stuff (truck, insurance, etc). Unless I missed something, you didn't have any problem with that situation.

When the girlfriend moved in, things started to go downhill. I am not sure why. Did your son keep the bathroom clean before she moved in and suddenly became a slob? I doubt that. I get a sense that you don't like her and / or her family. Maybe I am totally wrong with that statement and if I am, I apologize.

If you don't mind them living with you for awhile, I would establish hard, fast rules.

First, they both need to continue to work (which does not seem like a problem for either of them).

Second, they need to have set things that they are responsible for (cleaning their bathroom, busing their place at the table, etc). Normal, everyday things that we all do as part of a family.

Third, if and only if they are doing the first two things to your satisfaction, I would consider allowing them to work for their rent. I assume they are saving up for both their wedding and for rent on their own place. I would rather help them out if they are truly working hard. If they aren't, no question - boot them.

I would pick some things you either dislike doing or need help with (laundry, making dinner, cleaning all the bathrooms, etc). Make a list and tell them they can
1. Pay rent to you
2. Move out
3. Do theses ADDITIONAL chores to earn their keep.

Again, I am all for charging rent or making them move if they aren't following your rules. If they are truly saving their money for the near future and working hard, as long as they tow the line, I would be okay with it. If they are spending every penny they make and you can't imagine them ever affording a wedding or moving out, it is time to give them the boot.

 

[minkydog]

I'm a strong believer in helping my kids get the best start in life. So this why I'm having a hard time with my question.


Please don't write and say... what a horrible mother I am for asking for some 'money' each month. I mean, you can but please be nice. LOL I really hate when threads get ulgy.

I do work from home (travel agent for Disney) and I also homeschool my 2 other children. So I'm not a lazy pig who doesn't do anything all day.

This isn't about whether *you're* pulling your weight. It's about whether they're pulling *their* weight--which their not! You are not a horrible mother, and I think they're taking advantage of your loving, non-confrontational nature. If they are big enough to play house, they're big enough to contribute to your household. It doesn't matter that they're saving for a wedding. Lots of us saved for our weddings, and frankly if they're working their parents shouldn't be expected to pay for their party. My opinion, of course.

Here are my rules, learned through trial and error. I'm a lot like you--I want to make nice and help my kids, but I recently had to get serious with DS23.
..........................................................................
The Rule is: After HS graduation you will either be working full-time or going to school fulltime or in the military.

**If you are working full-time, you will pay at least $100/week rent, which will include utilities & cable and some food. It will not include special snacks, beer, cigarettes or energy drinks ( I only buy fresh, healthy food--they can eat that or they can buy their own.)

**If you are working part-time you will pay at least $50/week and you will do yardwork, home repairs, or other projects to work off your rent.

**If you are going to school full-time you are encouraged to have a 10-15hr/week job, but you don't have to pay rent.

**If you are going to school part-time you wil have a part-time job and will pay $50/week.

Under no circumstances will I pay for your love life, your car insurance, your credit cards, or your speeding tickets. And don't expect me to bail you out of jail, either.

Anyone who consistantly disturbs the harmony of our home will be asked to leave.
......................................................................................
OP, I feel your pain. Really I do. I have had 2 23yo men(DS and Dfoster son) living with me for the past 2 months, until DS decided that he couldn't live with the rules anymore and split. Dfoster son is still living with us and toeing the line for the most part. It has nearly killed me, but we have had to exhibit tough love. DS23 found a place to stay where he can live off the land, not work, sleep all day, play video games all night AND he has "benefits". He's living with his girlfriend who apparently is fine with all this. Cest la vie Not what I wanted for any of my kids and I wish he would have done things differently but it was his choice to leave and I'm really glad he did. The atmosphere of the household has gotten demonstrablyy calmer and more centered.

Just. Do. It.

 

[MrsPete]

First topic: The money

My rule will be the same as many people's here: My kids are welcome to live with me for the rest of their lives, if they wish. BUT I expect them to either be in school full-time OR work full-time, and IF they're working, I expect them to pay a portion of the household expenses. Assuming my financial state allowed it, I would put that money aside for them (secretly) and would give it back to them when they buy their own house; but they NEED to pay so that they understand how much it costs to live well. NOT doing this deprives the adult child of a learning opportunity and allows them to build up spending habits that they won't be able to sustain once they're living on their own. In short, allowing them to believe they can live comfortably without paying cripples them financially for the future. The only exemptions I can imagine would be 1) I wouldn't charge a college student rent during the summer, 2) I wouldn't charge anything if the adult child needed to move home for medical reasons.

We have a generation of kids who've had "too much" done for them, and I think this is one of those situations. These kids are living for free and saving for a luxury (a big wedding) while their parents are hurting financially. That doesn't make sense, and it's not helping them gain independence -- in fact, it's enabling. Don't trade long-term financial stability for short-term comfort.

Second topic: The live-in girlfriend

I wouldn't allow my adult child to bring a girlfriend home to live. This just wouldn't fit into my moral idea of right and wrong. IF my child chose to co-habitate before marriage, I wouldn't help to make it happen.

Obviously I don't know the whole story about the girl being kicked out, BUT I wouldn't assume that the cigarettes thing is the sum total of it. Why? Because having taught high school for 17 years I've heard LOADS of students tell stories about piddly little things that they did that caused their parents to "kick them out". Often guidance counselors and teachers get involved in these situations, and ALMOST ALWAYS there's more to the story. The typical story is that the child has been involved in a number of negative behaviors, the parent has tried to intervene unsuccessfully (often with poor follow-up) . . . and then something relatively minor happens, and that minor thing (i.e., cigarettes) turns out to be the straw that broke the camel's back. The child then SAYS that he was kicked out over this minor thing, but the truth is that it's months and years of other things, culminating in the minor incident that finally triggered the kicking-out.

Given that you've said a number of things that lead me to believe the girlfriend isn't exactly a stellar kid, I'm suspicious that this may be the case between her and her parents. I think you should leave all of that up to them. You can never solve other people's family drama.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

OP, I would charge rent to both your son and his fiance or work out some other kind of arrangement. I have lived with my parents 25 out of my 27 years of life (I currently still am but that'll be changing next year as I put my own time limit of turning 28 but I may be getting married next year anyways). I have never paid rent but my parents pay for nothing of mine(other than a roof). If my parents were struggling for money (like if the house wasn't paid off, or I knew either of my parents had lost their job or reduction in pay they wouldn't even have to ask for money from me). My parents refuse to take money from me so I just save it. I love living at home (my parents are gone most of the time anyways [which so am I as I travel a lot to see my bf], so I take care of the house while they're gone). I do a lot of things my parents don't ask me to do (clean out trashcans, do their laundry, clean dishes, etc.) but only because I'm very grateful to have them and want to show them I appreciate them. My Mom is from a different school of thought than most. She lived with her parents until she got married and considers it nonsensical to move out before you get married (although she got married when she was 20, some of us take longer to find the right person ). I know most people don't agree with her but I will always treasure the nights I've been able to spend sitting on the screen porch talking to my parents, watching a movie on a Saturday night that we were dying to see, and, especially, being there the night my Dad had a heart attack (a month ago).

Your son and fiance are taking advantage of you. If not financially then physically. You should not be providing them anything more than a roof over their head and a shower (and, obviously, you don't have to do that). I would talk with them about what their plan is and see if there's a time limit on when this would all be ending (assuming you don't want them there forever like my parents do ).

 

[mamamia]

dizneydiva2005, I sent you a private message.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Hmmm........I think I am going to take a different opinion from everyone else.

First off, it sounds to me like you were perfectly happy with the arrangement of no rent when it was just your son living at home. You note that he works very hard and he pays for his own stuff (truck, insurance, etc). Unless I missed something, you didn't have any problem with that situation.

When the girlfriend moved in, things started to go downhill. I am not sure why. Did your son keep the bathroom clean before she moved in and suddenly became a slob? I doubt that. I get a sense that you don't like her and / or her family. Maybe I am totally wrong with that statement and if I am, I apologize.

If you don't mind them living with you for awhile, I would establish hard, fast rules.

First, they both need to continue to work (which does not seem like a problem for either of them).

Second, they need to have set things that they are responsible for (cleaning their bathroom, busing their place at the table, etc). Normal, everyday things that we all do as part of a family.

Third, if and only if they are doing the first two things to your satisfaction, I would consider allowing them to work for their rent. I assume they are saving up for both their wedding and for rent on their own place. I would rather help them out if they are truly working hard. If they aren't, no question - boot them.

I would pick some things you either dislike doing or need help with (laundry, making dinner, cleaning all the bathrooms, etc). Make a list and tell them they can
1. Pay rent to you
2. Move out
3. Do theses ADDITIONAL chores to earn their keep.

Again, I am all for charging rent or making them move if they aren't following your rules. If they are truly saving their money for the near future and working hard, as long as they tow the line, I would be okay with it. If they are spending every penny they make and you can't imagine them ever affording a wedding or moving out, it is time to give them the boot.

Again, if she sets these rules, she's going to have to enforce them. I've been part of a volunteer pool committee for a while, and let me tell you, it's REALLY easy to make rules, REALLY difficult to enforce them.

My point has always been that you shouldn't be handing down rules to other adults, and if those other adults happen to be living in your home, the solution isn't to become the police, the solution is for them to leave, so you don't have to tell them to behave llike grownups...

Also, for some reason, the title just struck me "when is it time for children to pay rent"

Answer: when they're no longer children. And the rent should not be paid to you. You're their mom, not their landlord.

 

[Tinijocaro]

When my brother came back home at 25, she charged him rent, but she put it aside for him as a little nest egg so when he was ready to move out on his own, he had a nice little start. She didn't tell him she was doing this.

 

[kellyg403]

OP...Never would I suggest you are bad mother! You are a great mother for getting this far in this situation without losing it.

I learned the hard way that at some point after 18..the magic age they wanted to be..things have to be different. You will always be their parent but the relationship must change for your child's best interest. One of my dd's moved out at the age of 19 because I would not let the boyfriend move in. My response to her was no way..I wouldn't support my own lazy man I was in love with why would I support somebody elses. Not to mention how I felt the other kids would view what the future would look like for them. Two days later she was moved out into HIS mothers house. It lasted a whole 6 months before dd realized he INTENDED to stay there forever because it was easy to have someone else do all the work. They now have two children and both working fulltime and dd going to school. She realized eventually that my stance was not designed to hurt her but to learn how to use those wings she had been given to move forward as an ADULT. My dd who is 21 is now learning the hard way..rent, chores etc. Living here I will always be the mom and if you want all the freedom to come and go as you please, live like a pig..well this is not the place for you. The good news is as an adult we get to decide to do that when we have our OWN place we are paying for OURSELVES! She has announced she will be moved out before the new year. I remind her often, living here is HER choice and living here means rules that I like. Her house, her rules.

I also agree with another poster...don't call me if you go to jail. I won't pick you up. You got yourself there, figure out how to get out of there. DD21 knows firsthand this is a rule that is embedded in concrete. I will not. Her lucky break came because dh feels everyone gets one get out of jail free card.

I think it is perfectly fine to let them know that while it is wonderful on the surface to be so responsible..and it sounds like they are..at this point with out helping out around the house financially or with chores they are not being very courteous. And that needs to change..by sitting down and meeting in the middle or mom making all the rules..depending on how easy this transition will be.

Kelly

 

[NotUrsula]

Are you serious? The OP didn't say they have an apartment in her house. They are being allowed to live IN the family home and thus share that space with the family. I highly doubt they have their own bathroom. They don't have their own space.

The OP said that it was a third bathroom used only by the son and his girlfriend. Under the circumstances, I would consider that bathroom (along with their bedroom) to be their private space.

Please also note that I said that IMO you only get such private space when you pay for the privilege of having it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

LisaR does bring up a good point. The OP did say she was fine with her son living there rent free. It was not until the girlfriend moved in that she felt differently about the situation.

However as we know hindsight is 20/20. Right now it is all "up in the air" as far as their future plans.

Honestly in this situation, sitting down and discussing finances, dates, plans, responsibilities of the house is what is needed right now.

I guess bottom line, I am more of a move out mom than a charge rent mom, unless I did need the money. Then I would explain why and what their money would go for.

Or I would have them pay the electric bill or something like that. Talk and work it out, OP.

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

I will say that my boyfriend's brother (and his girlfriend) moved back in with his mom a few months ago. They are both working, and both pay rent and split electricity, etc. Mom was in a rough place financially, and this worked out very well for everyone. They were living in a large house with 2 other roommates, but it was not working out so they moved home temporarily.

They are now engaged and getting married this spring, and I'm sure they'll be out by then. But there was never a question about them paying rent...LOL, it was going to happen.

 

[dizneydiva2005]

If they are old enough to be playing "house", they are old enough to pay their own way. Apparently you think they are responsible enough to handle an adult relationship. What a sweet set-up for them! Maybe I am old fashioned, but I can't imagine shacking up with my boyfriend at his parent's house. To top it off not even helping around the house or paying any bills. It is time for them to grow up. They are already married in all sense of the word. They need their own place. They need to get married for real.

Hmm, I should have mentioned- SEPARATE bedrooms, thank you! I'm not stupid and think after 2 years of being together something hasn't happened - doesn't mean I offer them an easy out.

 

[Tinijocaro]

OK- just read about the girlfriend. My opinion is, if he wants to play "big boy" he needs to be on his own acting like a big boy. Not such a big boy living with his girlfriend under his parents roof.

 

[Minniemama350]

If they are old enough to be saving up to get married, they are definitely old enough to face the reality of rent. You would not be doing them a favor to continue to let them be as they are. A wedding is one day. It should be nice, but it should not be more than what they can afford after paying their living expenses. In other words, it is not realistic for them to think that you should be footing their bill for living. It sounds as though they want you to be the one to make a sacrifice. Part of marriage is making choices based on the means that you have. They might as well learn that now. More power to the Mama!

 

[dizneydiva2005]

Wow, I wasn't expecting this kind of response- as in how many. I haven't read them all, but for now I wanted to say...

About the wedding- I don't think they should get married since they can't really afford to live on their own. That's why they're here. So going off to get married where ever would be a poor decision. I'm thankful they realize that.

They are in separate bedrooms- and both work a full time and part time job. I realize that doesn't leave a whole lot of time for cleaning.
As soon as I said something, they both went and cleaned the bedrooms. No attitude given what so ever to me about what I said. I think the rooms just got away from them. And it wasn't even that bad... but the bathroom (to me) was a bit scary. I'm a neat freak anyways. So I tend to over react.
Which I did about the 'clean' aspect of it. But I do think it's time for them to chip in a little pay to help cover some of the extras.

I have this NY Italian attitude mixed in with clean freak- so I did over react. But I got my point across because as soon as dinner was done- they jumped up and cleaned.

I want everyone to know my kids will always be welcomed in their home-- no matter why.... but at this point, like I said a few bucks I think are in order. And like my husband said, put 1/2 of whatever in an account to give to them later.

Sorry I vented, over reacted.... and thanks for your responses.

 

[dizneydiva2005]

OK- just read about the girlfriend. My opinion is, if he wants to play "big boy" he needs to be on his own acting like a big boy. Not such a big boy living with his girlfriend under his parents roof.

He's not wanting to play big boy. He didn't make the decision to have her move in when she was kicked out. His father and I did. He never asked for her to move in. We offered. I almost think he rather her not be here LOL!!!!!

I was afraid that this would be taken out of content. I was only asking if it was time for them to pay.

 

[dizneydiva2005]

Are you serious? The OP didn't say they have an apartment in her house. They are being allowed to live IN the family home and thus share that space with the family. I highly doubt they have their own bathroom. They don't have their own space.

No, no, no apartment. I have 5 bedrooms, 3 baths... my younger son (12) also has an upstairs bedroom and shares their bathroom. It's a house, not separated. 3 bedrooms upstairs, 1 bathroom. Shared by my youngest.

Yes, they normally keep up with the cleaning. I haven't touched the bathroom since April. (cause we were having company- I wanted to make sure it was extra clean)
My son always cleaned it. Before and after she moved in. My daughter (16) has her own bathroom that is attached to her bedroom. I don't clean her bathroom or room.
My son said he was sorry the bathroom got away from him. He meant to get to it. Like I said he is working full time and part time.

My kids always have had chores- I haven't done laundry in forever (except to fold) clean more then my own bathroom normally. My kids have a lot of animals here on our 5 acres. I never feed or take care of them. Unless, one is spending the night over a friends house or sick) they take good care of 'their chores' normally!! LOL

It's not really about the cleaning... I was just having my PMS moment. LOL
It's more about should they pay a little something to help out.
My hubby and I talked about it... he doesn't feel they need to really 'pay' money, but they have to carry their weight in helping keep their areas cleaned... so I don't have these melt downs.

Talking over with the kids they really don't have a lot in the bank. I rather them save what they can so they can support themselves in the near future??
LOL
I should mention he just went back to full time. His hours had been cut to 10 hours a week and this is why he is also struggling. I'm thankful his work picked up his hours!!

When the girlfriend moved in I honestly thought it would be for a little while, her parents and her would make up - and she'd go back home. But no, they already made her room into something else and have made it clear they are happy with her gone.

And like one poster mentioned... it's kinda of a pain for me to parent a 20 year old. But I do. I have rules - and have no problem reminding them of that... and she gets a talking to whenever I feel the need. LOL Like yesterday when I felt the bathroom was not up to par. I don't bite my tongue. I let them have it. Again, no attitude back... cause my kids know give me attitude and well, it's not going to fun to live around here.

again it was more of when is it time to pay? Times are hard right now for almost everyone.... I'm trying to help out my own son get started with life.... I just felt walked on when I saw the bathroom. LOL

Oh well, I got a sick kid here, I need to worry about him, and not this.

Thanks again for those who offered a really nice words!!!

 

[dizneydiva2005]

And I agree with other, they shouldn't be saving for a big wedding they can't afford.

Oh there's no money to even save for a wedding. She just found out her parents wouldn't pay for their wedding!! Although, her sister just had one less than a year ago for 20 grand.

Anyhooo, it's funny she's from Ft Mill- Wouldn't it be a hoot if we knew you? LOL!!!

 

[dizneydiva2005]

Yes, I am well aware of that, but this is not the situation here. In order for your scenario to be true to form they would have needed to be married before she moved into the OP's home.

Can't have it both ways.

well, we all have our opinions... and just because she didn't have a place to live... her parents kicked her out at night- with no where to go... doesn't mean I'm going to offer my son off to marriage. He can't afford to live on his own. So I'm not going to throw him out just because his girlfriend needs a place to sleep.
Personally, I think it was pretty darn nice of my husband to offer her a place to live. I was in a panic about it... but like he said, how many stray animals have we taken in, cared for, gave a home to? Surely, when a person needs help, we'll be there.

So when looking at what happened here saying he has to be married first because his father and I offered her a place to live- is well... silly IMO.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

He's not wanting to play big boy. He didn't make the decision to have her move in when she was kicked out. His father and I did. He never asked for her to move in. We offered. I almost think he rather her not be here LOL!!!!!
I was afraid that this would be taken out of content. I was only asking if it was time for them to pay.

This jumped out at me. Your son is very young (as is the girl) I personally would set a move out date for her. It is nice to help her but don't trap your son in a relationship that he has no way to get out of if he wants to. It is hard to break up and date others when your ex girlfriend is at the dinner table.