When Christmas budgets are so different

[kirstenb1]

OP, I didn't read all the responses but my kids believe that Santa sends mom and dad a bill in January for the gifts they get a Christmas-you know he has to pay those elves. So each year they make their wish list, we talk about it and whether it is realistic. For example one year my daughter wanted an in ground swimming pool like her best friend has.

This came about because we always buy for needy children at Christmas that our church sponsors. My DD didn't understand why we had to buy for these kids. She stated that Santa will bring you anything you want and asked if the kids bad kids. She asked this at age 3 and I wasn't ready to give up Santa at age 3 so we explained that sometimes Mommies and Daddies don't have enough money to pay Santa and we were helping those Mommies and Daddies out each year because we want everyone to have a special Christmas.

Our kids have never asked about less fortunate kids, but I love this response and will tuck it away in case I need it. Thanks for a great answer!!

 

[flateacher]

What ever you decide to do I hope you and all of your family have a great Christmas!

Reading this reminds me of a short story I just read about a small boy who at Christmas got among some other great presents... socks. Of course as a child he was disappointed because every year he got "stupid socks". He wanted to get other cooler toys - like his friends down the street.

One Christmas after opening his ... socks he went to his friends house to see their new skis, sleds, video games etc. On his way home feeling very jealous he past a boy and girl he knew from school - but not that well as they did not talk much. As he past by he asked them what they got for Christmas - they did not answer. He asked again. The little boy looked down and said - these new shoes.

Well the shoes looked nice and shiny - but there was something wrong. He said to the boy - "you are wearing them wrong". The boy just looked and him and frowned and said "what are you talking about? How can you wear them wrong?".... "Well you are supposed to wear socks with them".

With that the little boy with the shoes ran into the house crying and the girl yelled at the other boy to "go home!"

When he got home he was upset and told his parents what happened. His mom had to explain to him that some parents could not afford everything that his could and not all little boys got all the presents he did.

From then on the boy realized that he loved his gift of socks....


I know I probably messed parts of this story up - and I also know that we are not talking about this situation here. But it is Christmas - and no matter what you get or give we should all be thankful we are here to celebrate it.

So - again - no matter what you decide - HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!

 

[4under4]

I know you have had a lot of responses, and a lot of great advice. Just to add my own 2 cents, I think it wouldn't be out of line for you to talk to your SIL/BIL. Be up front with the issue, NOT accusing, just stress that you recognize that each family has a different approach. Then ask if they have any suggestions. Perhaps they would love to be able to open their own family gifts at home too before going to the grandparents. If they don't respond as you might like, then I say you should make the cruise part of your own childrens' presents.

Slightly off topic, but just as a hint for those already thinking about the holidays...

Last year "Santa" brought each of our kids an adventure for their big gift. DS9 got a behind the scenes tour at the Aquarium in Chicago, DD got to have a "girls day" with just mommy, including high tea at a fancy Chicago hotel, DS5 got to go to the Chicago Children's museum with just DH & me, and DS7 got to attend a sleepover at a smaller science museum with his best friend. None of these things were particularly expensive, but each one of the kids got to do something separate from the others. They LOVED these gifts, and I loved that the excitement of looking forward to their special days was almost as much of a gift as the days themselves. Not to mention the joy they had in telling/listening to each other talk about what they had done.

Another great idea (that I stole from a friend a few years ago)... Every once in a while my kids will stumble on a gift meant for them before I have a chance to hide it. So I tell them that it is one of our Toys for Tots presents and if they want it for themselves they should put it in their letter to Santa. Of course we really DO give to Toys to Tots, and I was once cornered into giving (and then having to buy again) a present for my son because he REMEMBERED that we hadn't put that particular item in the bin but it's been a great way to teach them about giving during the holidays. I do think that this year I may tell them about the January bill though

 

[carebee21]

To the OP: Honestly, I think that you are taking a very classy approach to the situation.

If I was in your position, I think I would present the gift to your family at home, before you leave for Christmas with your in-laws. Just tell the kids it was delivered early because Santa wanted you to open it as a family and enjoy the moment as a family. Then, on Christmas morning when the other cousins get big presents, quietly remind your kids that they too received a big gift.

At home, you can also talk about how people receive more and some receive less. With your oldest being 7, I'm sure he hears kids at school who got more, so I'm sure those questions would come up regardless. Then as they age, you can expand upon the discussions and discuss budgets. My son doesn't believe in Santa and he wants a big gift this year so we've talked about how that will be pretty much be his only gift.

 

[collegejunkie]

can you just say that santa is visiting everyone's individual houses from now on? i know we had an issue with that one year. it worked because no one saw what the others got. it does mean waiting, but i think it might be better.

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

OP, I have a question for you, is it just you who is dealing with your kiddos' questions about why they can't have A and B? If so, this is a perfect opportunity to let DH and the kids have a discussion about it. It sounds like he's disregarding their feelings just a bit in his quest to have the perfect extended family Christmas morning.

As for the cruise, I would definitely do that at home before the trip, just having your family around will make it that much more special, without worrying about how anyone else is going to react. Then you can watch the planning DVD, if you're going to, as a family and enjoy that time.

The DisneyStore.com has some great DCL items that you can buy (they have plush Captain Mickey and Minnie cruise dolls) to give the kiddos on Christmas morning that will remind them of their big gift as well, which may help their feelings. Just search Disney Cruise Line on the site and they'll come up.

 

[swilshire]

I didn't read all the responses, but there is no rule that says all gifts must be opened on Christmas day. When we've been away on Christmas, we have sometimes opened just a few things on the actual holiday and Santa left the rest for us while we were gone. Less to transport. We have also "moved" Christmas to a day earlier (my youngest never realized the difference) to accomodate family schedules.

I don't think any of this impacted the joy they got from their gifts. It happens with extended families.

Sheila

 

[MrsPete]

I do agree that the cruise should be included as part of the gifts they open with everyone else. Its part of their Christmas. Why not?

Yeah, but this is just a bandaid -- it fixes next year, but it doesn't fix the larger problem that's going to continue year after year.

Question: How do the in-laws feel about their kids receiving more than your kids? Are they aware that this is an issue for your family?

How about suggesting Santa come to everyone's houses early, and just doing stockings at your in-laws on Christmas Day? This works well for my family. While my daughter realizes her cousins get more than she does, the sting isn't quite so bad because it's not so in-your-face. But by doing the stockings together, it maintains some of that Christmas fun and tradition.

That is a great compromise: You can point out that it's difficult for you to pack up ALL the kids' presents, then haul them back home again. It'd take a big part of the gift-part of everything away from the family celebration, allowing more focus on family and Christmas as a religious holiday.

Also, just a comment: When we all became teens, Santa stopped bringing "gifts" and just started doing stockings. At that point we no longer got up at the crack of dawn to open gifts, so we were allowed to get up and open our stocking anytime we wanted -- and gifts were opened later when everyone got up.

When our kids were young one of them asked "how come we don't have a (fill in the blank with the most extravagant thing you can think of) like cousin so-and-so has?" DH wisely replied, "I've got news for you.....even if we had the money, you STILL wouldn't have a (fill in the blank)."

Don't let your kids be under-deprived.

Yeah, we've had some of that. Our kids think they are THE ONLY KIDS ON EARTH who don't have televisions in thier bedrooms, and for a long time they thought it was a money-thing. They thought they were THE LAST ONES to get a cell phone. Some things are value judgements on the parents' part, and sometimes it's good for kids to want something for a while before they get it -- makes them appreciate it.

 

[Deealee]

I don't even understand this.

We're the poor relations in dh's family and my 8yo has quwstioned why her cousins get so much. Our dc only get 3 gifts and 1 is alway new pjs. I just explained that "You get what you get and you don't get upset.

 

[tlbwriter]

I suggested to DH that we spend Christmas at our house, and then travel to see his family after Christmas, but DH won't hear of it.

So he has veto power over this? No compromise or discussion at all? Fine. Make it HIS problem. When the kids ask why they don't get as many gifts as their cousins do, tell them to ask Daddy.

I totally get what you're saying...but my nieces have been wanting to go to Disneyworld for years now, and I just can't do that to them.

Well, if it's no problem for your kids to see their cousins open lots more gifts, why would it be a problem for your nieces to see *their* cousins open a gift they would like? And it's not like the girls aren't going to find out about your trip anyway. Maybe it would even be better if they heard about it on Christmas, while they're enjoying all of their own gifts.

 

[dntd]

We give our kids what we can. Last year we bought used ds's and games, they were a lot cheaper then new. I find buying one big gift and a few little ones works better. Your budget is still larger them mine though I do have 5 kids

 

[sk!mom]

Hi--yes, it's August and I'm already thinking about Christmas. I like to start shopping early to spread out the expenses over many months, and look for the best prices on items.

Anyways, we spend every Christmas with my in-laws (my kids' grandparents, and my BIL/SIL and 2 nieces). We all stay in my in-laws house for a few days and spend the entire holiday together, Santa visits everyone at the same house.

The dilemma is that DH and I have a much different Christmas budget than my BIL/SIL for our kids. We have 3 kids and spend $150-$200 on each for all their gifts, including Santa gifts. We also go on a family vacation each year. They get way more for Christmas than I did growing up (my gifts were always kinda lame, PJs/socks/underwear). My BIL/SIL get their kids a lot more for Christmas, and last year my oldest started to notice. His cousin, who is the same age, got a Nintendo DS with many games and an American Girl and more. My son really wanted a Nintendo DS, but the price of it plus a game or two would have eaten up the entire Christmas budget for him. We decided to wait until his birthday, and let him save up part of the money. We were upfront with him and told him that he wasn't getting one for Christmas and explained why. We didn't know in advance that his cousin was getting a Nintendo DS, so my son was upset that his cousin got one plus a ton of other gifts. I felt really bad for him. (My in-laws have a higher income and they never travel, so they can afford the larger Christmas budget).

I know this is going to continue to come up, with ipods and laptops and other electronics that kids want/get for Christmas.

I suggested to DH that we spend Christmas at our house, and then travel to see his family after Christmas, but DH won't hear of it.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it? I suppose I just need to be honest with my kids about budgets and how we prioritize family vacations and such. It's just hard when they're with the cousins on Christmas morning and it's not comparable.

Thanks.

Our solution has always been to be at home on Christmas morning. We head out to visit family later in the day.

In your situation I would give your DH 2 choices, 1. Stay home so that the difference in gifts isn't magnified. 2. If he's insistent on being with his family, increase the gift budget so that the kids get their big wish, at the very least.

 

[bpesch]

I think the issue that most concerned me here is the fact that your DH is unwilling to even think about changing holiday habits. The fact that you want to do Christmas at home then travel to the in-laws and he won't even consider it would concern me.

 

[Darcy03231]

OP here--Thanks for your responses and ideas. My DH has spent EVERY Christmas Eve/Day with his parents and he still refuses to skip that, even if we come just one day later. But I agree, I think the kids would still notice anyways because we'd arrive and the cousins would still have their expensive gifts. I guess I'll just be prepared to have the discussion again, and use it as a teaching experience.

One thing I will be doing different this Christmas, however, is surprising my kids with the news of a Disney cruise for next summer and kind of tying our vacation plans into our Christmas celebration. I plan on wrapping up a treasure box with a few cruise-ish things in it. I think they will be surprised and excited! Of course I will be doing this a few days before Christmas at our house, because I don't think it would be fair to do this in front of their cousins who never go on vacation.

Why would you feel it wouldn't be fair? It's obvious from your post that the families within your family have different priorities. If your DH is insistent on the gift opening taking place on Christmas mornining with the extended family then I would have your children open their "treasure box" at the family Christmas, just as the cousins will be opening all their gifts.

 

[RachaelA]

Why would you feel it wouldn't be fair? It's obvious from your post that the families within your family have different priorities. If your DH is insistent on the gift opening taking place on Christmas mornining with the extended family then I would have your children open their "treasure box" at the family Christmas, just as the cousins will be opening all their gifts.

Agree. Why is it okay for your children to be upset that their cousins get so much more, but its not okay for your children to be able to get all their real presents on Christmas morning because it might upset their cousins?

 

[mombrontrent]

I agree with the poster that said "you get what you get". If it was my kids I'd say oh well, be happy with what you did get. Life isn't fair and we shouldn't try to make it that way. My kids would need to suck it up! I would not be trying to make it equal or worry about my kids feeling sad about not getting the same amount of presents as their cousins, tough luck! We have three kids who do get quite alot but my nephew was an only child for 7 years and lived with my SIL and her parents (my in-laws). He was spolied rotten at x-mas and birthdays. My inlaws each bought by kids one gift each and my nephew at least 10. Was it fair? no but I never made it an issue so my kids didn't either. Sure they noticed but if they ever said anything about it I said "Oh, well be happy about what you did get".

 

[jrmasm]

I agree with the poster that said "you get what you get". If it was my kids I'd say oh well, be happy with what you did get. Life isn't fair and we shouldn't try to make it that way. My kids would need to suck it up! I would not be trying to make it equal or worry about my kids feeling sad about not getting the same amount of presents as their cousins, tough luck! We have three kids who do get quite alot but my nephew was an only child for 7 years and lived with my SIL and her parents (my in-laws). He was spolied rotten at x-mas and birthdays. My inlaws each bought by kids one gift each and my nephew at least 10. Was it fair? no but I never made it an issue so my kids didn't either. Sure they noticed but if they ever said anything about it I said "Oh, well be happy about what you did get".

 

[punkin]

So he has veto power over this? No compromise or discussion at all? Fine. Make it HIS problem. When the kids ask why they don't get as many gifts as their cousins do, tell them to ask Daddy.



Well, if it's no problem for your kids to see their cousins open lots more gifts, why would it be a problem for your nieces to see *their* cousins open a gift they would like? And it's not like the girls aren't going to find out about your trip anyway. Maybe it would even be better if they heard about it on Christmas, while they're enjoying all of their own gifts.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

I am in a similar situation...only worse in my opinion. It's my own mother. Let me explain. I am an adult woman with 3 kids and 3 siblings. 3 of us are in our 30's the 4th sibling is 10. When I was a child we all got a budget of 100.00 (this was told to me in my teens) AND an additional gift for all of us to share (such as a game systen of sorts) we also got gifts from grandparents that were pretty nice. Now since my mother had the 4th child she takes the same budget that was spent on us kids (plus the budget my grandparents had) and spends it on my little sister. This is around 1000.00+. Every year she gets a new Americal Girl complete with all accessories. A new video game console or hand held plus about 500.00 in new clothes or just other misc. My 3 kids entire budget combined doesn't come close. My kids do see the 50 gifts (not exaggerating) she receives. we solved this by having Christmas dinner at our house after all gifts atre opened. My kids still get a bit upset but I have explained to them that we do things our way and they do things theirs. It was just hard to explain to them why Santa brings them a few gifts and why she get tons. I have concentrated on giving them what they want and what I know they will enjoy and they seem not to miss the junk.

 

[NotUrsula]

... And THIS is why we don't do Santa gifts.

Yeah, I know, it's a huge taboo to dis Santa, but in our house, while we appreciate the Santa story as a nice pretend story, he doesn't bring actual gifts.

My parents grew up in real poverty, and we were solidly working-class. It was a struggle for my parents to buy gifts for us at all, let alone cascades of them. (My parents always gave each child two gifts, one fun thing and one practical thing. That would usually work out to something like a bike and a new coat, or a guitar and a pretty bedspread. My dad was a cabinetmaker, so sometimes the practical gift would be furniture made just for you.) What this meant in real terms is that my Dad was adamant that we would know and appreciate that we got those gifts because he worked hard to provide them, not because of magical wishing. I liked that, actually, and I grew up with the assumption that I would do the same.

What we DID have in our family was Christmas as a command performance. We had a heck of a party, with the best food we would have all year, and ALL of the extended family over for dinner and fun,and many houseguests, too. THAT was what the special part of Christmas was for us, and it sounds like that was what the OP's husband wants his kids to have, too. The problem is that someone in the family is going nuts on gifts.

DH grew up with the whole Santa myth; in fact, my MIL *still* insists on labeling his Christmas gift as being "from Santa", and he's 50 yo. He got sick of the whole routine of pretending to believe early on, and agrees with me that Santa causes more issues than he is worth when it comes to gifts. Some of my extended family DO do the Santa thing, and we had this issue, too. The way that we decided to handle it is to have only the "from us to you" gift exchange be communal; parental gifts are given in the privacy of the parents' rooms, and that includes the ones that purportedly come from "Santa". That way the kids are still using and enjoying their gifts, but they not in a timing race opening gifts together. (It also helps to avoid getting various gift parts mixed up before they can be labeled, since so many kids will get similar popular gifts in the same year.)

Our kids learn from day one that different families have varying amounts of money, and different values about how they choose to spend it. They also know that some families like to pretend that Santa is actually real, and that it isn't nice to ruin someone else's pretend game, so they go along with the story, even though they know it's only a pretend game. We also teach from the beginning that in our family we value experiences more than things, and that a budget is a budget and must be adhered to. If they want things that are beyond what the budget provides, then they have to save up toward the difference.

OP, I think that what needs to happen is that your DH have a discussion with his sibling and decide how to make the situation less awkward. Perhaps divide the gift giving, perhaps cut back on how much comes from Santa rather than Mom and Dad, perhaps have Santa go to your own homes and only do parental and family gifts at the in-laws, etc.; the solution needs to be worked out in advance among the adults.