When Christmas budgets are so different

[Disneyliscious]

I totally get what you're saying...but my nieces have been wanting to go to Disneyworld for years now, and I just can't do that to them.

But you aren't "doing that" to them. Their own mother and father are.

Put your own feelings aside and ask yourself which way your kids would want it more? If you think they would prefer to get it at home then go that route. If you think they would prefer to get it at the in laws, then do that.

 

[MomToOne]

How about suggesting Santa come to everyone's houses early, and just doing stockings at your in-laws on Christmas Day? This works well for my family. While my daughter realizes her cousins get more than she does, the sting isn't quite so bad because it's not so in-your-face. But by doing the stockings together, it maintains some of that Christmas fun and tradition.

Once you are not having to deal with the extreme jealousy in the moment, you can have the discussions more effectively about how different families chose to spend their money on different things, how it's import to live within your means, and how even if they don't get everything they want they have it MUCH, MUCH better than many people in this world.

 

[vek239]

When our kids were young one of them asked "how come we don't have a (fill in the blank with the most extravagant thing you can think of) like cousin so-and-so has?" DH wisely replied, "I've got news for you.....even if we had the money, you STILL wouldn't have a (fill in the blank)."

Don't let your kids be under-deprived.

 

[patsal]

OP here--Thanks for your responses and ideas. My DH has spent EVERY Christmas Eve/Day with his parents and he still refuses to skip that, even if we come just one day later. But I agree, I think the kids would still notice anyways because we'd arrive and the cousins would still have their expensive gifts. I guess I'll just be prepared to have the discussion again, and use it as a teaching experience.

One thing I will be doing different this Christmas, however, is surprising my kids with the news of a Disney cruise for next summer and kind of tying our vacation plans into our Christmas celebration. I plan on wrapping up a treasure box with a few cruise-ish things in it. I think they will be surprised and excited! Of course I will be doing this a few days before Christmas at our house, because I don't think it would be fair to do this in front of their cousins who never go on vacation.

Well, if I had to do what DH wanted all the time and I felt my kids felt slighted, I would bring the vacation thing for them to open. No one seems to care how your kids feel when they have the big elaborate gifts, I wouldn't then care if someone else felt left out either. I guess that is the big brat in me, but you are just being too nice. See these others could choose to give the bigger gift or the inequitable gifts at home before or after the trip to grands house, but instead they choose to open them in front of your kids. If others feel it is ok to make my kids feel badly then I guess turn around is fair play. Honestly if you really believe the SIL/BIL are not doing this on purpose I give you kudos for being so nice, my guess is after they leave the house they tell their kids how much luckier they are than your kids.
However, as others have siad, I dont' think it is that big a deal to say to your kids that they cannot have everything and to point out that they do get to go on vacations rather than to get stuff. Incidentally that is what we do was well.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

Hi, OP here--it's really not an issue of visiting his family vs. my family. His family lives only 6 hours away, mine lives 14+ hours away where the weather is bad in the winter. We see my family in the summer and I'm totally fine with that. I believe that in marriage, you have to choose your battles. And spending Christmas away from his family isn't, at this point, a battle I want to fight. His family is great (not to mention that our kids totally look forward to playing with their cousins non-stop while we're there). It's just the gift discrepancy part that is challenging. I appreciate your comments.

I think I'm going to have an unpopular opinion here, but have you considered redoing your budget? This sounds to me like an issue of wants vs wants, not needs vs. wants. Maybe your kids would appreciate more gifts at Christmas and a trip to WDW vs. a Disney Cruise. I've never taken a DCL Cruise with my family because the cost of that over any other cruise, or a trip to WDW is significant.

I'm just a little surprised by all of the responses here calling the in-laws extravagant and selfish. But, your money is going on a Disney Cruise, it's not like you're scraping to afford gifts for your kids. As some one who probably spends more on my kids at Christmas, and takes less lavish vacations, I can see that the position you put them in is just as uncomfortable as the position they put you in. But it's family, and it would be a shame to give up a family holiday tradition just because you choose to spend your money differently. In their mind, you probably could afford to spend what they spend, so they don't feel bad, and aren't going to not get their kids what they want just because you chose to limit it. They probably feel bad about your kids lean gifts like you feel bad about their kids never going to Disney.

Whatever you decide is ultimately up to you and your husband, as it's your personal finances. It just seems like this is causing you great stress, as you're already dreading Christmas when it's April. Don't get me wrong, I highly value our family vacations too, I just think there's another side to this whole thing here.

 

[ToddyLu]

Hmmm....If the plan is to always have Santa bring all the gifts to your In Laws house then I cannot understand not giving the Cruise in front of everybody. Seems to me that is your DHs decision. I am sure your nieces didn't mind getting the Ninentendo in front of your kids and the parents are putting it out there for that. If they were considerate of others this would be a non issue.

Now this is a discussion board and I do not know you and you do not know me. Seems like your DH is being a bit unrealistic and doesn't understand that times may change and as an adult you make changes to your plans to accomodate everyone. What are his hangups about go over later in the day, to protect his kids feelings. I am sorry but Christmas mornings were wonderful at my home growing up. My brother and I got things we wanted and surprises too. Ther was no competition because my parents believed in our family unit celebrating with the occasional visit from Grandma or it with the 4 of us by ourselves.

Sorry but my kids feelings would dictate this in all areas and DH could have his way at other times--he needs to grow up about it and think about how his kids feel. Pretty soon the kids will resent it. I mean what is his response when you bring this up?? Is he that selfish? I do not get upset when I do not see my parents on Christmas. DH and I do not have kids and my brother and his wife have five--my parents go to their house--we are talking about children here--and they should alwasy have first dibs at my parents during the holidays. I can remember working for people on holidays becasue we didn't have children and knew the importance of needing to be home. DH has worked over at the fire department to let a guy go home early and come back after Santa got there.

Does this not even bother your DH at all???

 

[Colleen27]

We've always talked with our kids about priorities. You can only spend that dollar in your pocket once, and different people make different choices of how to spend it. The neighbor that DS gets jealous of because he's got a big screen TV, an elite gaming computer (even I'm a bit in awe!), and all the latest-and-greatest console games has never been out of the state. The friend my DD9 envies for her vast collection of Webkinz, Pillow Pets, Zhu-zhu Pets, and every other trendy little thing that comes along isn't signed up for a bunch of expensive sports/activities. And when I put it that way, both my kids quickly get over the passing jealousy because neither wants to give up the extras they do have for the goodies that they don't.

 

[ToddyLu]

But the sad thing is we aren't talkling about just any day of the year--we are talking Christmas morning.

 

[disykat]

I'm just a little surprised by all of the responses here calling the in-laws extravagant and selfish..

What? Where? Am I reading a different thread? I haven't seen anyone say that.

 

[angwill]

I can't help except to say that growing up it was my family that didn't have the gifts our other cousins got and believe me they flaunted them in our faces. I survived and hold no grudges against my cousins for it. As we got older we understood that our parents had 5 kids to buy for so they could not afford what others could. We did ask why when we were younger and were told just that. Plus my mother had 14 brothers and sisters so some of them chose to buy only for their God children which made things even more confusing as a child when one sibling got a gift but others didn't. Again we survived.

Could you explain that the vacation is their expensive gift. Maybe wrap something up for each of them announcing when the trip will be and what they will be doing?

 

[angwill]

We've always talked with our kids about priorities. You can only spend that dollar in your pocket once, and different people make different choices of how to spend it. The neighbor that DS gets jealous of because he's got a big screen TV, an elite gaming computer (even I'm a bit in awe!), and all the latest-and-greatest console games has never been out of the state. The friend my DD9 envies for her vast collection of Webkinz, Pillow Pets, Zhu-zhu Pets, and every other trendy little thing that comes along isn't signed up for a bunch of expensive sports/activities. And when I put it that way, both my kids quickly get over the passing jealousy because neither wants to give up the extras they do have for the goodies that they don't.

This is an excellent talk and and almost identical one I had with my son when he was young. Kids get it and it is a life lesson they need to learn.

 

[MissDaisyofTexas]

I think I'm going to have an unpopular opinion here, but have you considered redoing your budget? This sounds to me like an issue of wants vs wants, not needs vs. wants. Maybe your kids would appreciate more gifts at Christmas and a trip to WDW vs. a Disney Cruise. I've never taken a DCL Cruise with my family because the cost of that over any other cruise, or a trip to WDW is significant.

I'm just a little surprised by all of the responses here calling the in-laws extravagant and selfish. But, your money is going on a Disney Cruise, it's not like you're scraping to afford gifts for your kids. As some one who probably spends more on my kids at Christmas, and takes less lavish vacations, I can see that the position you put them in is just as uncomfortable as the position they put you in. But it's family, and it would be a shame to give up a family holiday tradition just because you choose to spend your money differently. In their mind, you probably could afford to spend what they spend, so they don't feel bad, and aren't going to not get their kids what they want just because you chose to limit it. They probably feel bad about your kids lean gifts like you feel bad about their kids never going to Disney.

Whatever you decide is ultimately up to you and your husband, as it's your personal finances. It just seems like this is causing you great stress, as you're already dreading Christmas when it's April. Don't get me wrong, I highly value our family vacations too, I just think there's another side to this whole thing here.

Interesting points...I think that even if we had more money, I don't think I'd up their Christmas budget by much if at all. At least not right now, with them being so young (7, 3, and 10 months). $150-$200 buys a lot of gifts, plus they have grandparents' gifts and aunt/uncle gifts on top of that. I guess it's all relative--to their cousins, it's less, but to other kids around the nation and the world it's probably a lot more.

Just FYI about Disney cruises--they don't have to be that expensive. We reserved ours almost 2 years in advance, right when the 2012 cruises were first announced. That is typically the cheapest price they are offered, and the cost is very comparable to a WDW vacation. I've learned so much by reading these DIS boards!

 

[MissDaisyofTexas]

We've always talked with our kids about priorities. You can only spend that dollar in your pocket once, and different people make different choices of how to spend it. The neighbor that DS gets jealous of because he's got a big screen TV, an elite gaming computer (even I'm a bit in awe!), and all the latest-and-greatest console games has never been out of the state. The friend my DD9 envies for her vast collection of Webkinz, Pillow Pets, Zhu-zhu Pets, and every other trendy little thing that comes along isn't signed up for a bunch of expensive sports/activities. And when I put it that way, both my kids quickly get over the passing jealousy because neither wants to give up the extras they do have for the goodies that they don't.

Thank you for the advice--I need to do more of that.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

Just FYI about Disney cruises--they don't have to be that expensive. We reserved ours almost 2 years in advance, right when the 2012 cruises were first announced. That is typically the cheapest price they are offered, and the cost is very comparable to a WDW vacation. I've learned so much by reading these DIS boards!

I was just going to post this until I read this last comment. I agree completely. People shop for cruises 6-12 mos in advance and wonder how others can afford $8K for a cruise but it doesn't have to cost that much!! You just have to plan ahead. Our last 7-nt cruise over Halloween 2010 for a family of 4 (with a window) was less than $3200 plus $400 in onboard spending credits.
Be sure to rebook onboard, even just a dummy date, that you can move to a later date. That will give you 10% off the cruise plus OBC from DCL. If you use a TA that gives OBCs too, add her/him at the time of booking for max OBCs. Trust me... it's addicting; you'll want to cruise again.

As for your dilemma, I would have kids open the cruise in front of everyone. It will soften the blow of seeing their cousins with so much and they'll see that not all gifts are material things.
There are Disigners that will personalize a letter to your kids from Capn Mickey welcoming them aboard. (Shadowryter will make you one.) Also Rustmanfan makes "boarding passes" with kids names on them. (I can post ours if you want to see.)
I printed them on slightly better quality paper, like a document, and will be surprising our kids this way for our Sept cruise. I half considered having the letter from Mickey made into a puzzle on snapfish or shutterfly and make them work for it but they're not cheap either and the cruise isn't a gift for an occasion.

 

[tarheel618]

OP, I didn't read all the responses but my kids believe that Santa sends mom and dad a bill in January for the gifts they get a Christmas-you know he has to pay those elves. So each year they make their wish list, we talk about it and whether it is realistic. For example one year my daughter wanted an in ground swimming pool like her best friend has.

This came about because we always buy for needy children at Christmas that our church sponsors. My DD didn't understand why we had to buy for these kids. She stated that Santa will bring you anything you want and asked if the kids bad kids. She asked this at age 3 and I wasn't ready to give up Santa at age 3 so we explained that sometimes Mommies and Daddies don't have enough money to pay Santa and we were helping those Mommies and Daddies out each year because we want everyone to have a special Christmas.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

Sorry to hijack...

Ok, here are the links if you want graphics personalized for you.
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2538276
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2757178

Ours:

I hope it all works out with your holiday visit and have a great time on your cruise!!!

 

[MissDaisyofTexas]

ruadisneyfan2--cool disigns...who did the cruise tickets for you? I can't seem to find those in the DISign links. Thanks!
Edited to add:
Nevermind, found them!

 

[ceecee]

Those are really cute...I would wrap up a bunch of things related to the cruise and give it to them on Christmas morning. Then they won't feel slighted if the cousins get more expensive gifts and trust me as they get older the gifts get more expensive. If it's part of their gift it's unfair that they can't get the maximum joy of receiving it.

 

[ruadisneyfan2]

ruadisneyfan2--cool disigns...who did the cruise tickets for you? I can't seem to find those in the DISign links. Thanks!
Edited to add:
Nevermind, found them!

RustManFan can appear harsh at 1st with all his rules about how to make a request but over the years I learned that he still has dial-up and also somehow people quoting his graphics affects his photobucket storage capacity. He really didn't create so many rules to be a PITA and he really does spend so much free time adding magic to so many Dis-er's vacations.

Magnets for your cabin door create another opportunity for addiction. Dh has given up trying to get me mental help. Now he's my enabler. Last Oct we had 6 cabins of extended family and we decorated all the doors. Surprised everyone.

Sorry, there I go hijacking again.
ok, back to your thread...

 

[smile5sunshine]

When our kids were young one of them asked "how come we don't have a (fill in the blank with the most extravagant thing you can think of) like cousin so-and-so has?" DH wisely replied, "I've got news for you.....even if we had the money, you STILL wouldn't have a (fill in the blank)."

Don't let your kids be under-deprived.

I just love that response! I'm so going to keep that in the back of my head and use it if we ever need to later on. My DH is a public school teacher and I stay at home, so, I REALLY might need to use it someday

OP: I think you are really sweet for being so considerate of everyone's feelings. I think if you keep dialoguing with your kids about being thankful and content with what they HAVE received, you will be teaching them a wonderful life-long lesson.