What's wrong with getting married young?

[RitaE]

I think anyone who says they are happy they got married young only proves more why you shouldn't.
I hope DD marries later than even me at 26. If only so that she can live her life and have fun. Does that mean not having a relationship, no but I hope she waits and doesn't make a foolish mistake.

ooooh. Guess you told me.
Um, just curious. Not that the thought even occurred to me before your post. But when you say you don't want your daughter to marry before age 26 "So she can live her life and have fun"

are you somehow implying that your impression of marriage is that it equates to "Life over, fun is gone?"

If so that makes me kind of sad for you. I'm guessing maybe your own marriage could use some work.

 

[bdcp]

I think anyone who says they are happy they got married young only proves more why you shouldn't.
I hope DD marries later than even me at 26. If only so that she can live her life and have fun. Does that mean not having a relationship, no but I hope she waits and doesn't make a foolish mistake.

Gee, I was 21 and we've lived a happy life and have tons of fun TOGETHER. I'm very independent and had to laugh where someone earlier posted they can kill bugs because they lived on their own. Guess what? I kill bugs and I didn't need to live alone to learn to do it. In fact, it's a skill I learned as a child. I can change a tire, fix a toilet, raise kids, be a great wife, have my own job and career and I still did it all while never living entirely on my own. But, you know what? I'm 51 and I know I could live on my own if I had to. We're 51 and 54, and our boys are in their 20's and entirely independent and living on their own. So, they're totally out of the house, have been to college, have jobs and homes and are dating. Now, DH and I can enjoy the empty nest while we're still very young and we travel, hang out with friends like us who had their kids young and they're all free to do what they want. That freedom is something easier to get back than it can be to give up.

 

[Planogirl]

Fun isn't gone after marriage but it changes. I personally wish that I had waited and I married DH at 21. I could have done so many other things that became too difficult later on. However YMMV of course.

 

[RitaE]

Fun isn't gone after marriage but it changes. I personally wish that I had waited and I married DH at 21. I could have done so many other things that became too difficult later on. However YMMV of course.

I know. But to flat out imply that anybody who married young that thinks they've been happy is "foolish" and probably too stupid to know better is just ridiculous and frankly pretty immature and unaccepting. It's the type of argument I'd expect a young teen to make. "I hate Green Beans. EVERYBODY hates Green Beans!!!!"

She thinks that way fine. I think it's pretty close minded to be unable to comprehend that there are people different than you and just because they are different doesn't mean they are unhappy failures.

 

[BeefJerky]

Gee, I was 21 and we've lived a happy life and have tons of fun TOGETHER. I'm very independent and had to laugh where someone earlier posted they can kill bugs because they lived on their own. Guess what? I kill bugs and I didn't need to live alone to learn to do it. In fact, it's a skill I learned as a child. I can change a tire, fix a toilet, raise kids, be a great wife, have my own job and career and I still did it all while never living entirely on my own. But, you know what? I'm 51 and I know I could live on my own if I had to. We're 51 and 54, and our boys are in their 20's and entirely independent and living on their own. So, they're totally out of the house, have been to college, have jobs and homes and are dating. Now, DH and I can enjoy the empty nest while we're still very young and we travel, hang out with friends like us who had their kids young and they're all free to do what they want. That freedom is something easier to get back than it can be to give up.

 

[Mrs. Sojourner]

Although the OP asked What's wrong with getting married young. To which I answered with my expierence and opinion. So broadbrushing is valid, just as others talk about how they support being married young. Short-sighted, I think not. Basing my life and telling of my opinion based on the life I lived and the advice I give to my children.. yes.

Just as the OP painted the picture of what life would have been life had she chose to wait, so have I.

I am also not ignorant of the the fact that I would not have had the daughters that I have today, I think that is a bit of a short-sighted arguement, as I would never encourage my children to get married and have children young, in case of the children they may not have if they don't

Thank you for sharing your experience.

I don't buy into the "you've gotta live or you'll be unhappy in marriage" concept. I think, instead, you've gotta be ready and willing to make the sacrafices that are necessary for marriage -- because while marriage is wonderful and means giving/receiving love, security, and companionship for a lifetime . . . it also means giving up some freedom and agreeing to compromise on many things so that you can live in harmony with your spouse. And at 18, most people don't yet grasp that they must give as well as receive. They don't yet grasp that to get the benefits of marriage, you must be ready to give up some things. (To give an example, my circumstances tie me to our state, and my husband has passed up some very good job offers that would've been good for him career-wise -- but together we determined that it wasn't in the best interest of our family.)

Very true.

I think anyone who says they are happy they got married young only proves more why you shouldn't.
I hope DD marries later than even me at 26. If only so that she can live her life and have fun. Does that mean not having a relationship, no but I hope she waits and doesn't make a foolish mistake.

That makes no sense.

Gee, I was 21 and we've lived a happy life and have tons of fun TOGETHER. I'm very independent and had to laugh where someone earlier posted they can kill bugs because they lived on their own. Guess what? I kill bugs and I didn't need to live alone to learn to do it. In fact, it's a skill I learned as a child. I can change a tire, fix a toilet, raise kids, be a great wife, have my own job and career and I still did it all while never living entirely on my own. But, you know what? I'm 51 and I know I could live on my own if I had to. We're 51 and 54, and our boys are in their 20's and entirely independent and living on their own. So, they're totally out of the house, have been to college, have jobs and homes and are dating. Now, DH and I can enjoy the empty nest while we're still very young and we travel, hang out with friends like us who had their kids young and they're all free to do what they want. That freedom is something easier to get back than it can be to give up.

 

[robinb]

So, what are the thoughts on why it's bad to get married young? I'm interested to know.

I'm writing without reading what others have said ...

I think that marrying young works for some people. I read of a number of people who have made and work and I want to say: "More power to you!". That being said, I do think that it's a mistake for a many people to make a lifelong commitment to someone when then they are barely adults themselves. I just don't think it works out in the long run as people mature through their 20's and they eventually grow apart. I would be interested to see some divorce statistics for first time marriages by age.

 

[KimR]

I wouldn't want my girls to marry young. Too much to do, see, experience. You get married, usually you start having kids. You have kids, lots of stuff gets put on hold.

Live it! Do it! You can get married later. Travel, finish school, get your own apartment. Experience life on your own a while. Learn how to count on JUST YOU before you go pairing up with someone. Stretch your independent self for a bit. Enjoy YOU.

Early marriage isn't the worst thing in the world, but I think it's wise to be able to count on yourself for a while before incorporating a life mate.

This is what I regret most about marrying early. I never had the opportunity to be on my own and to experience the newfound independence that comes with living on your own with no one to answer to. Once those years are gone, there's no getting them back. Thankfully, though, I waiting until my thrities to have children, but then I guess that's another thread.

 

[tar heel]

I was 26 and that was about right for me. I had finished college and supported myself for four years. I lived by myself the last two -- living independently of
ANYONE is a really good growth experience.

One of my sons is 23. He will graduate from college and will pursue what is probably an unlikely dream -- making his living as an artist. The thing is, since he doesn't have any dependents except himself, he CAN do this. If he got married now -- and he has already found the girl -- it would be really difficult for him to work as an artist. My DH tried six years as a musician -- while he's not a professional musician now, he's not miserable because he didn't at least try it.

 

[marie1203]

I don't think young marriage means being uneducated. We got married young and I am still going to college (my career will take 8 years to finish) Dh is also going to college. I also do not think just because we are married we need to start having children. We don't have any children. And as far as traveling goes there is no one I rather do it with than with my husband and have those memories together.

 

[Becky2005]

I think everyone on this thread has a different idea of what "young" means. Is it 16, 18, 24?

That's what I was saying in my first post. My mom & I both got married at about the same age. SHE was considered an "old" bride and I was considered "young" -- shouldn't we have at least been considered average?

AND I think I've figured out some of the difference reading this thread. I was never a big party person...I don't drink and never did as a teen either. I really don't feel like I missed out on anything by not partaking in such partying and I had no desire to live in a dorm (especially after hearing the horror stories of bad roommates). I'm pretty much a homebody and very content with that. A lot of our family live in the area.

I pretty much planned what I wanted to do when I was in High School and basically did it. I guess I didn't have lofty goals. My goal was to get my Associates, get married, have kids and SAHM. I did make sure I could live on my own first because I never wanted to be one of the women who said they couldn't leave a bad situation or something because they couldn't do it on their own. Plus the fact that I'm pretty independant & stubborn and wanted to do things my way vs. my parents way (my DH says I have control issues -- I just tell him as long as I'm in control there are no issues. ). Unfortunately for me, my DD is just like me with her independant/stubborn streak. It has made for a fun teen years.

 

[Planogirl]

I don't think young marriage means being uneducated. We got married young and I am still going to college (my career will take 8 years to finish) Dh is also going to college. I also do not think just because we are married we need to start having children. We don't have any children. And as far as traveling goes there is no one I rather do it with than with my husband and have those memories together.

I agree. I earned my degree after I got married and I even got help from my Dad. I cherish that education and the help he gave me in spite of me being married. I know now that I did everything out of order which he realized at the time. I should have gone to school and then gotten married but I was always impatient.

DH did his part. He worked hard to support us and did what he could to take care of my expenses too. I was lucky.

 

[BeefJerky]

I don't think young marriage means being uneducated. We got married young and I am still going to college (my career will take 8 years to finish) Dh is also going to college. I also do not think just because we are married we need to start having children. We don't have any children. And as far as traveling goes there is no one I rather do it with than with my husband and have those memories together.

Thank you! My husband and I both went to college and traveled because we wanted to and we went together. I am not sure what "life experiences" people are harping on about but I got mine and I am still experiencing it.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Oh, I get it now. So if you say you are happy with the choice you made to get married young, you are just too stupid and ignorant to know any better. So these couples I see who are stll blissfully happy after 50+ years of marriage and are only say 70, are just delusional. Ahh, if only they knew better both back then and now, they'd really be happy!

With my own kids, I am trying very hard to raise them in a way that their life's choices will be arrived at with a level of maturity and thought process that I helped them get to. I don't particularly like timelines when it comes to living my life, and I doubt my kids will be any different.

Education is very important to me but they might just be able to multi task and get their degree while they are married. Just like they might be able to multi task and get their degree while they are single and doing other things. I mean who really knows? If something is truly worth it, most people find a way to do it. And yeah it gets harder once the mortgage and kids hit the horizon but its not impossible.

I have thought a lot about this because dh's aunt and cousin are both strongly in the "don't get married young no matter what" camp. They are both highly opinionated so this opinon of theirs has been aired to me and my kids for years and its ramped up now that my kids are older. It would appear they both want to make as many last ditch efforts as possible to keep my kids from living lives in a way they find "wrong". Its common for them to tell my dd "and you young lady will not get married before age 30 and you will have your bachelor's and masters before you do get married". They are quite serious and dh and I have a good old laugh behind their backs because from where we sit, they are neither one in any way, shape or form an expert on marriage. Aunt was married for less than two months over 50 years ago (She was about 21 when she got married) and was miserable and never attempted to marry again. She was divorced and alone by the time her daughter was born. Her daughter is 51 and to my knowledge has never had a serious boyfriend. They are both anti marriage and very secure in the knowledge that in spite of the fact they have six weeks maritial experience between the two of them (plus rich careers, multiple degrees and travels all over the world) they know what is best on this front. I know full well if one of my kids marries before 30, they'll have plenty to say about it.

And let me add these two ladies are some of the most kind and caring women I have ever known. They have enriched my life and my children's life and I love them and admire them greatly. But on this one issue, I do disagree and think their hard hearted stance is a bit wacky. I also have to wonder if they think dh who got married at just 24 (young by their standards and many others) missed out on too much by marrying me? I often wonder if they actually look down on me for being a SAHM who believes in marriage and doesn't believe there is a "right" age or a one size fits all attiude. I hope not but I do wonder.

I have my opinions about their stance on marriage, but I don't share that with them. But I do think in many ways, they allowed aunt's bad experience to color their view. I just prefer to keep an open mind. Doesn't mean I won't freak out when one or both my kids gets engaged but hopefully they will make the right choice just as I believe I did.

 

[Planogirl]

Thank you! My husband and I both went to college and traveled because we wanted to and we went together. I am not sure what "life experiences" people are harping on about but I got mine and I am still experiencing it.

I think that for some people life experience can include dating others and just a chance to be on your own. There is something to be said for complete independence.

Personally, I find that children restrict what you can do much more than being married. At least that was true for us. We still did pretty much what we wanted to even after being married so we didn't have much in the way of restrictions. Dating aside of course.

 

[BeefJerky]

I think that for some people life experience can include dating others and just a chance to be on your own. There is something to be said for complete independence.

Personally, I find that children restrict what you can do much more than being married. At least that was true for us. We still did pretty much what we wanted to even after being married so we didn't have much in the way of restrictions. Dating aside of course.

Yet we had that too, after high school I lived on my own and so did he until we decided to move in (we lived on our own places until 21 and then moved together before marrying a year after that) and as for dating others, I had my share before meeting him and really didn't have any need to date others while he was "courting" me. Sometimes you don't need to go around with others. Do I think I missed out because I didn't date in my 20s..nope but then again that was MY experience, being married that young.

As for kids..oh man I remember the pressure RIGHT after we had married from both sides of the family but we wanted kids when we wanted them so we waited and I am pleased we did.
I guess I am sick of people going on about what life experiences were missed because I got married. I dated a few guys but then found my husband and was happy. I did get the college experience with him, and heck even partied a bit before settling down but I am happy we did this stuff together. I don't really feel that because you are a certain age that you are ready for marriage. It has more to do with personality. While one relative married young and was happy in her marriage another one waited to get married and is now going through a lot and vice versa. It depends on the person

 

[jodifla]

I think that for some people life experience can include dating others and just a chance to be on your own. There is something to be said for complete independence.

Personally, I find that children restrict what you can do much more than being married. At least that was true for us. We still did pretty much what we wanted to even after being married so we didn't have much in the way of restrictions. Dating aside of course.

Very true! We were married 13 years before we had kids, so we were very cemented as a couple, in our careers, and in our education.

 

[castleview]

There is nothing wrong with getting married young, to each their own. The female body is built to carry and bear children most efficiently when she is YOUNG.

I see so many couples getting married in their late 30s or 40s and wondering why they are having trouble conceiving. I see lots of infertility problems in this group's futures.

So get married because you're fertile. Who cares if it's right for you at the moment?

 

[MIGrandma]

DH and I met March 5, 1957, engaged in May (why I can't remember the exact date I do not know ) and married September 27, 1975. We were both 18, and had just graduated from high school in June.

Back then I don't think a college education was quite as important as it is today. DH was already in partnership with his Dad, farming several hundred acres of land and right after we got married we started buying half of his Dad's hog raising business (1000 head). So he had already chosen his career and was doing well in it.

Yes, we were expecting our first child when we got married. But. We didn't even know I was pregnant until 2 weeks before the wedding so we didn't "have to" get married.

I quit work (local Credit Bureau office) when we got married, to stay home and be a full time homemaker, wife and mother. I know I was very fortunate to be able to do that. In today's world I probably couldn't.

We will be celebrating our 36th wedding anniversary in September. Yes, we've had our ups and downs, mostly early in our marriage, and probably because we were young. But. We took our wedding vows seriously and worked things out each time we had a problem. If we wouldn't have been able to work it out on our own, I'm sure we would have gone to our pastor or a marriage counselor but that was never needed. So in that way, I think we were more mature than some older people who get married.

Just because the couple is young doesn't mean the marriage isn't going to work. I've seen marriages between couples who have college degrees and are older that didn't work out. I think commitment and communication are two of the most important things in a marriage. If a couple doesn't have those, then I don't think the marriage will work out no matter if they are 18, 25, 30, 40 or beyond.

 

[snapppyd]

DH and I met March 5, 1957, engaged in May (why I can't remember the exact date I do not know ) and married September 27, 1975. We were both 18, and had just graduated from high school in June.

Back then I don't think a college education was quite as important as it is today. DH was already in partnership with his Dad, farming several hundred acres of land and right after we got married we started buying half of his Dad's hog raising business (1000 head). So he had already chosen his career and was doing well in it.

Yes, we were expecting our first child when we got married. But. We didn't even know I was pregnant until 2 weeks before the wedding so we didn't "have to" get married.

I quit work (local Credit Bureau office) when we got married, to stay home and be a full time homemaker, wife and mother. I know I was very fortunate to be able to do that. In today's world I probably couldn't.

We will be celebrating our 36th wedding anniversary in September. Yes, we've had our ups and downs, mostly early in our marriage, and probably because we were young. But. We took our wedding vows seriously and worked things out each time we had a problem. If we wouldn't have been able to work it out on our own, I'm sure we would have gone to our pastor or a marriage counselor but that was never needed. So in that way, I think we were more mature than some older people who get married.

Just because the couple is young doesn't mean the marriage isn't going to work. I've seen marriages between couples who have college degrees and are older that didn't work out. I think commitment and communication are two of the most important things in a marriage. If a couple doesn't have those, then I don't think the marriage will work out no matter if they are 18, 25, 30, 40 or beyond.

I did a double take when I read you met in "1957"! I know you mean 1975, but I thought, gee, no way she got married a year after I was born!