What would you do?

[froglady]

My DD is home from college, and is trying to shed that "freshman 15." She's been walking with me, going to Curves, following my WW plan, and running every day. So far, so good. The weight is already starting to come off, and I have no doubt that she'll reach her goal.

However, the problem arises because her goal is only 10 pounds less than mine, but I'm 3 inches taller. She's concerned that I'll look thinner than she, and is hurt by this. Also, she got her "pear" shape and thick ankles from my DH's side; my legs are already thinner than hers, although I weigh 15 pounds more. There is no way (except starvation) that they will look like mine!

I am in the top of the healthy range for my age and height, but want to be closer to the low end, as I have a small frame. (and spent my teens and twenties at the lowest end for my age at the time) I'm aiming for 125 (with 116 the lowest "healthy" weight...I'm currently at 135 -138)

Would you stop at 130 to spare your daughter's feelings, or would you continue on to your original goal? Would you suggest that she aim "lower" (but still staying within guidelines), although it might be more difficult for her?

 

[Luvinit]

OUCH...this is a tough one...

I always want my mom to be PROUD of me and to notice me. Don't give up your goal weight...just don't keep harping on it. I think she will see when the weight comes off, that there is no need to compare each other. Keep a positive attitude about her accomplishments...and if you need to "brag", call a friend or your mom.

And whatever you do DO NOT try and dress like her/or look like a 19 year old would. This is just going to cause alot more resentment. If you feel the need to "look hot"...wait until she goes back to school. The most important thing is BEFORE you do or SAY anything...think back to how it felt to be 19. Just make sure you really consider her feelings.

Sending you some ~*~*~*~*~pixie dust~*~*~*~*~*~
this maybe a no win situation for you...but you gotta at least give it your best shot!! Good Luck

 

[TigH]

I don't think you should change your goal at all! Regardless of who may have hurt feelings about your weight loss, you owe it to yourself to reach your goal!!! You are doing this for you, for your health, to be happy, to be in great shape. Maybe it's because I don't have kids, but I don't think you should cut back on your goal because your daughter doesn't want you to weigh less than she does. Part of growing up is learning how to deal with things that upset you. You aren't losing weight to be mean to her or to punish her and she has to understand that. I really hope I am not coming across sounding judgemental or nasty. Read on:

My sister (18 months younger than me) is taller than I am and thinner than I am. She has always been the thin one and I have always been the fat one. The few times I have lost weight in the past, I have come pretty close to being the same size she is. Every time I got close, she would go on a diet to lose enough so I couldn't touch her weight or size. She would get very upset that I was almost as thin as she was. Up until two weeks ago I weighed more than she did. Now I am two pounds less than her, but she is still taller and thinner than I am. She has a size 29 inch waist, and that measurement was taken late in the day yesterday. It bugs the crap out of me that she can't be happy for my weight loss. I don't understand this competition or the fact that she feels like she reserves the right to be "the thin one".

I also have friends that would like to lose weight, but for whatever reason, they haven't yet. Sometimes I feel guilty when I share my weight loss news with them. Why should I feel guilty about that? I don't know!

Ultimately, you need to do what is best for you, and if you will be upset with yourself for rocking your daughter's boat by reaching your goal, then you should just stop losing before you reach your goal. I think you owe it to yourself to keep losing and get to your goal. How will you weighing more than she does get her any further in life?

Tell her how proud you are that she is able to lose this weight so fast and that she will be doing herself a favor to keep it off, like you wish you would have. Tell her it means alot to you that she is supportive of your weight loss and that you are happy that you two can share such a special change together. Keep the focus on how happy you are for yourself and for her for making healthier choices. You can gently ifluence her to change her perspective from weight to overall healthy and wellbeing.

Good luck. I apologize if I came across snitty sounding. It is important to recognize and respect other people's feelings, but you do have to draw the line somewhere. I think it's a bit selfish for someone else to get upset if their friend/sister/mother weighs less than they do. But maybe that's my own bitterness towards my sister's attidue about this whole thing coming through.

 

[blanq]

I am with Karen on this one, in that I think you should go for your goal. I know how sensitive teens are, but I don't think your daughter is being realistic in her approach by not wanting you to look "thinner" than her. Your weight has NOTHING to do with your daughter. This is about your body, and only you should determine what you want to weigh. In this situation it might just be better to slowly remove yourself from having your daughter as a weight loss buddy. You could still encourage her, but have your discussions focus on her and not discuss your weight loss or goals. Does she need to know you are wanting to lose more, or could you just keep that from her? Does she need to know when you reach your goal? You might be able to reach your goal and still not hurt her feelings if you approach it this way. Support is important for you, and I know we would be happy to be your main support to cheer you on in your quest to lose those last 10 lbs, and in celebrating with you when you get there!!

Linda

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

wow, this is a highly charged topic for sure! Sorry to hear of your problem. I agree with the above posters. don't change your goal. Your DD can learn from that as well. #1 don't bow to negative pressure. She is young and will unfortunately have negative pressure in her life someday, so you can be a role model on that one. #2 I don't know where the "focus" is on weight loss, is it on looking good, or being fit? I would try and make sure the emphasis is on being fit and seeing what your body can do for you. #3 sounds like some confidence issues, maybe encourage her to try something new this summer that is physical? rock climbing, inline skating, a race at the end of summer, etc. something that is a challenge and she can feel good about it, as well as see the benefits of fitness vs "looking hot". #4 somehow the comparisons have to stop, I agree with blanq, maybe don't verbalize too much of your success, but yet encourage her and show her that fitness is your goal. Try and challenge her for her individual best.

Good luck!

 

[Jomrog]

Ditto what Tigh said (and I have kids). Your DD is old enough to understand about different body shapes & personal goals. You have to do what makes YOU feel good about how you look & feel. JMHO.

 

[Luvinit]

I am sorry if I sounded like I thought you should give up your goal..I did not mean for you to give up your goal...I was just trying to give some ideas about how not to make your daughter feel like she was competing with you.

I do agree with what everyone else said...(i guess I should have been a little clearer). I was just trying to give my 2cents about how your daughter might percieve things.

Tracy

 

[SnackyStacky]

My opinion is pretty much the same as everyone else. Don't change yourself for your daughter. You just need to let her know that you're two completely different people and you carry your weight differently, and that she's beautiful the way she is.

I saw on Montel (I think...or maybe it was Oprah) at one point a mother who gained a ridiculous amount of weight (some 50 pounds) because her daughter asked her to so the daughter didn't have to be fat alone. That didn't help either of the two of them, and if you change what you want, that won't help the two of you either. As much as you love her, you might end up resenting her for having to give something like that up.

 

[CarolMN]

Just chiming in to agree with the others - don't change your goal if it's only for your daughter. Each of you should set your own weight loss goals, but isn't the overall goal really to maintain a healthy lifestyle??

Help your daughter to change her point of view. It's not about a competition, or a number on a scale. It's about feeling good and living healthy. WW, Curves and the walking/running exercise will help both of you become more fit and look better.

Best wishes to you both!

 

[VelvetGloves]

My mother and I are both trying to lose weight and get in shape. I would never ask her to change her goals. I might fuss a little, but I would never want her to really change her goals. Your daughter will want you to be healthy. She would want you to do what is right for you. You mentioned legs. Well, my mother has much nicer legs than me. I'm working on mine, but hers will always be smaller. I have my dad to thank for my legs. Anyway, when my mom reaches her goal, she will be smaller than me. I just have a different body type, and I know that. I'm sure your daughter understands that also. She'll be happy for you.

To share a kind of funny story, last year on our Disney trip, my mother, who has red hair, dyed it blond because my dad thought it would be neat and mom did too. Well, I'm twenty two, and she is, of course, older than me. She got checked out way more than I did. I was floored. It bothered me for a little bit, but it was really pretty cool. I'm glad she was getting attention. We all had a laugh over it. It just boils down to the fact that your daughter might fuss over it, but she wouldn't want you to change your goals.

VelvetGloves