What would you do- take him or leave him???

[Shleedogg]

Well, I'm not a parent yet (5 more months!) but I really think this would be unfair. While it would be great for your son, unless you're planning on taking them all individually, or have something planned for them, I don't think it's a good idea. The oldest gets to go hunting with dad, and your daughter is the only girl so she gets a lot of attention. I don't know if those things equal a trip to Disney World. I think you would have some VERY hurt feelings.

I'm my father's only child, and when I was 8 he planned a trip to California, including a trip to Disneyland with his girlfriend and then told me about it when they got back. Also told me she didn't want to take me. Dumb move telling me? Yes. Can I understand now why he did it? Yes. Could I when I was 8? No. It caused a lot of resentment. It's not something you could keep from your other kids, they will be hurt, and depending on their ages, probably won't understand. I think if it was someplace other than Disney you'd be ok, but what kid wants to miss out on Disney.

 

[maymom96]

As a mom of a sixth grader, I say take him. Spend some 1 on 1 time with him. If I could do it with my son, I would do it. Like other people have said, 6th grade is a hard year. A weekend away, special time with mom and 1 on 1 time maybe what the doctor prescribed!!!!

 

[brenalexacamp]

take him- you'll learn alot about him.
he may open up to you, you will learn alot about what makes him tick



you'll be able to lavish him with all your attention without the other kids feeling left out


I just came back with my son-alone-we got to peruse the parks and look at stuff we never would have seen as a group, also took him to tutto italia and the portofino!

he has downs and I put the reservation in his name-it was his birthday and I had a ball with him

my 18 year old was fine- my dd was a little bent but got to spend some nice time with dh

and you know what? what ever you decide will be right for your family


by the time I left, I was dealing with a very fresh dd, irresponsible ds, my dad's cancer returned and has a short time, school issues with brenny-where to send for high school, getting ready for the fight of my life-
and I needed a break make some nice memories and get ready to take care of my dad


I'm not sure of how much brenny will remember-he did tell me I love you
that is only the second time-spontaneously!!



take him-life is too short and they grow up too fast!

 

[brymolmom]

This thread has really gotten me thinking - I was thinking about it this morning in the shower. And suddenly - it occurred to me. The way to express my feelings on this.

For all of you who have said to bring him and that life isn't 'fair' (meaning that it's ok to be unfair to the other two children) - would you be OK if today, your own mother called you to say that she is bringing (and paying) for a trip for your sibling and his family to go to WDW, but not bringing your family, because your sibling 'needs it' (more attention, more money, just needier)?

You might be much better people than I...but I would NOT be okay with this if my mother called me to say this. And I would go as far as to say that it might (not sure about this) affect our overall relationship in the future. If she doesn't have the the same feelings about me to give me something so special as she does for my sibling....not sure if I could muster up the same special feelings for her that I've always had. Of course - this has not happened so MAYBE I wouldn't hold a grudge, but I think I might.

And, I do know of many adult children who are estranged from their parents or at the very least not very close and in many of these situations their parents have treated one child very differently...Sure, life isn't fair - but I, for one, do not want to be that parent whose children pull away from them - at least not if I can help it.

Anyway - that expresses my feelings - if everyone who says to go would be ok if they get the phone call from their mom right now - that's great. And, imagine yourself getting that call - your feelings at that moment - that's the feelings you will be inflicting on the 2 not going. No matter what - I don't want to cause that feeling upon my kids unless it CANNOT be avoided.

 

[Tjaleks]

I haven't read any of the responses, but this is my opinion. TAKE HIM. Life is not fair in the sense most people think. I work with special ed kids and we have a saying. Fair means each child gets what he needs. So one may only have to answer 5 questions on a test while another has to answer all. If you feel this would benefit your son and your relationship with your son then take him. I have two boys and they know this already because this is how I have raised them. When I buy shoes for one because he NEEDS then I don't for the other if he doesn't need them. That is the way it is. It all does seem to work out in the end. Have a great time on your trip.

 

[TDISFAMILY]

Thanks everyone for the great responses so far. Keep them coming.
Do I think that this trip is going to make a difference for him as opposed to us just spending more alone time together? I don't know. One part of me thinks yes and another part thinks I need to make real changes that are going to last not temporary changes - for a weekend.

Being a parent is the single most rewarding, yet hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

I think you know the answer to your own question, I don't think a weekend in Disney is going to make a real change

Sometimes as parents, especially mothers, we are so busy worrying about everyone else's problems and needs, we forget about our own. Taking this trip by yourself may help you see the big picture, and get you the time to yourself that you crave and need. And you will come home a better mom for having had this "me" time. And then all 3 children will benefit from a rested and renewed mom. You may then be able to give 100% to your son's needs.

If mom isn't happy, no one's happy. And I bet a mom in Disney is a happy one!!

I think this is what I would do take the trip by myself ,enjoy having me time so when you come back home you will be recharged and can give 100% and come up with a perminant fix for the problems DS is going through

 

[adell557]

This thread has really gotten me thinking - I was thinking about it this morning in the shower. And suddenly - it occurred to me. The way to express my feelings on this.

For all of you who have said to bring him and that life isn't 'fair' (meaning that it's ok to be unfair to the other two children) - would you be OK if today, your own mother called you to say that she is bringing (and paying) for a trip for your sibling and his family to go to WDW, but not bringing your family, because your sibling 'needs it' (more attention, more money, just needier)?

You might be much better people than I...but I would NOT be okay with this if my mother called me to say this. And I would go as far as to say that it might (not sure about this) affect our overall relationship in the future. If she doesn't have the the same feelings about me to give me something so special as she does for my sibling....not sure if I could muster up the same special feelings for her that I've always had. Of course - this has not happened so MAYBE I wouldn't hold a grudge, but I think I might.

And, I do know of many adult children who are estranged from their parents or at the very least not very close and in many of these situations their parents have treated one child very differently...Sure, life isn't fair - but I, for one, do not want to be that parent whose children pull away from them - at least not if I can help it.

Anyway - that expresses my feelings - if everyone who says to go would be ok if they get the phone call from their mom right now - that's great. And, imagine yourself getting that call - your feelings at that moment - that's the feelings you will be inflicting on the 2 not going. No matter what - I don't want to cause that feeling upon my kids unless it CANNOT be avoided.

My feelings for my mom don't come from what she gives me, does for me, it comes from my heart, the fact that she raised me and loves me. So her personal decision to do something special for someone else is of no consequence to me, whether it be a family member or someone I don't know, her kindness to others does not negate her love for me.

Yes, I would be okay with that. If my mother called to say my brother's family had been struggling, let's say hypothetical, he lost his job, or wife has breast cancer, or they just had to move and kids are having a hard time adjusting so she is going to take them to disney, or send them I would be totally for it. Most likely I would send a gift basket or the like to make it special for them. When people have difficulties in life they need a helping hand, not a well it wouldn't be fair attitude. This type of thinking just teaches children to keep a tally sheet and keep score, to hold grudges and be juvenille in their dealings with others and that is no way to live life.

I second what PP said, fair is giving each child what they need. Not trying to put some type of tally on time and trips.

 

[adell557]

Well, I'm not a parent yet (5 more months!) but I really think this would be unfair. While it would be great for your son, unless you're planning on taking them all individually, or have something planned for them, I don't think it's a good idea. The oldest gets to go hunting with dad, and your daughter is the only girl so she gets a lot of attention. I don't know if those things equal a trip to Disney World. I think you would have some VERY hurt feelings.

I'm my father's only child, and when I was 8 he planned a trip to California, including a trip to Disneyland with his girlfriend and then told me about it when they got back. Also told me she didn't want to take me. Dumb move telling me? Yes. Can I understand now why he did it? Yes. Could I when I was 8? No. It caused a lot of resentment. It's not something you could keep from your other kids, they will be hurt, and depending on their ages, probably won't understand. I think if it was someplace other than Disney you'd be ok, but what kid wants to miss out on Disney.

It's not necessary for things to be "equal". How can you quantify "equal". We live 45 minutes from Disney so I wouldn't say that a trip to Disney is as equal to flying to Cedar Point or Six Flags. But some one who lives in those places would disagree. If you are searching for equal as a parent, you will be continually disappointed b/c it is an impossible feat.

 

[splashmtnfan]

Honestly, if it has been so rough in your home that YOU need to get away, and he is having probelms, do you think the two are connected???
If you need to get away what about the others? I don't feel it would be fair at all to take just him, I mean if you were just going to the beach, or a cabin in the woods, yea, maybe the others would understand. But are you seriously not even going to "spill the beans" to them when you get back? If you don't take him are you just staying completely silent about the trip? and if you take him how will you ever explain to the others that because he was having a rough time that he got to go, and they did not??????????

 

[MomtoAlexnWilliam]

Add me to the list that thinks this would be a really bad idea.

I think your heart is definitely in the right place, but I think you will find that if you take only one child to WDW it will come back to bite you in the backside.

I have two siblings who are "higher need" adults and my parents give them more attention, more of just about everything. They don't give to me or my kids because "you've got your act together and you and DH give the kids what they need." That response is really hurtful and has caused great rifts in our relationship over the years. Part of me wants to scream out "So, if I make poor decisions, you'll pay attention to me and give me special things???"

I would suggest a night out in town with the two of you. Can you plan a schedule time each week with each of the kids so that they all feel special?

I hope you enjoy your weekend -- alone or with your son.

 

[brandylouwho]

Add me to the list that thinks this would be a really bad idea.


I have two siblings who are "higher need" adults and my parents give them more attention, more of just about everything. They don't give to me or my kids because "you've got your act together and you and DH give the kids what they need." That response is really hurtful and has caused great rifts in our relationship over the years. Part of me wants to scream out "So, if I make poor decisions, you'll pay attention to me and give me special things???"

Ditto. I often feel this way about the relationship between my siblings & my grandmother (mom is deceased). It does hurt, even as an adult, even when I know her rationale behind it. While it is true that fair is not always the same I think somethings you can do or give can be too off balance. So, in the OPs case, some time alone with the middle son sounds like it is needed, but unless they lived in FL and they all get to go to WDW all the time, that time alone with him probably shouldn't be at WDW (IMHO).

Side note, that is something my grandma did that I thought was very fair and equal.. She paid for us all to go to Europe...not together, but when each of us was in high school. My youngest brother had to wait about 10 years after my trip to get his turn, but he did get it.

 

[Katy Belle]

Add me to the list that thinks this would be a really bad idea.

I think your heart is definitely in the right place, but I think you will find that if you take only one child to WDW it will come back to bite you in the backside.

I have two siblings who are "higher need" adults and my parents give them more attention, more of just about everything. They don't give to me or my kids because "you've got your act together and you and DH give the kids what they need." That response is really hurtful and has caused great rifts in our relationship over the years. Part of me wants to scream out "So, if I make poor decisions, you'll pay attention to me and give me special things???"

I would suggest a night out in town with the two of you. Can you plan a schedule time each week with each of the kids so that they all feel special?

I hope you enjoy your weekend -- alone or with your son.

I think this was really well put. Growing up my brother was a behavior problem and he got more attention because of it. My parents walked on eggshells around him. Now as adults, he still needs more help, expects it and gets it. I'm truly happy and proud to not need assistance at age 40, but it does still irritate me. I do feel like he still is the favorite because of his bad behavior. I am an adult and I love my parents and I don't let it affect our relationship, but it BUGS me.

As for the OP. You know your family and the dynamics. what is right for one family is wrong for another. You will have to decide what is right for you.

Katy

 

[Brynn]

Why not plan another weekend and go to a hotel together, that way you get your alone time and he gets one on one with you. Go to dinner, movies and swim in the hotel pool, I think that would mean the world to him and he gets more quality time doing things he may want to do with you.

 

[Rora]

While it would be nice for your middle child to have some one on one time with you at the most Wonderful Place on Earth... I'm not sure if it's a good idea. I would have been so upset if I had been one of the left out children. Like someone previously mentioned, it would be okay to take him somewhere by himself but to Disney? Not so much.

I think you can find another place to take him? Spend that weekend by yourself and relax!

 

[adell557]

Add me to the list that thinks this would be a really bad idea.

I think your heart is definitely in the right place, but I think you will find that if you take only one child to WDW it will come back to bite you in the backside.

I have two siblings who are "higher need" adults and my parents give them more attention, more of just about everything. They don't give to me or my kids because "you've got your act together and you and DH give the kids what they need." That response is really hurtful and has caused great rifts in our relationship over the years. Part of me wants to scream out "So, if I make poor decisions, you'll pay attention to me and give me special things???"

I would suggest a night out in town with the two of you. Can you plan a schedule time each week with each of the kids so that they all feel special?

I hope you enjoy your weekend -- alone or with your son.

I'm sorry that helping others whether be a lot or a little is hurtful. Or that you feel like you have to "keep score" on who gets what? I don't want to teach my children that, if someone needs more attention than they should be hurt, instead to be thankful that they don't need the extra help.

 

[adell557]

While it would be nice for your middle child to have some one on one time with you at the most Wonderful Place on Earth... I'm not sure if it's a good idea. I would have been so upset if I had been one of the left out children. Like someone previously mentioned, it would be okay to take him somewhere by himself but to Disney? Not so much.

I think you can find another place to take him? Spend that weekend by yourself and relax!

I think this communicates, you are special, but not "Disney" special. I say take him, he needs his mom and time with her.

 

[brymolmom]

My feelings for my mom don't come from what she gives me, does for me, it comes from my heart, the fact that she raised me and loves me. So her personal decision to do something special for someone else is of no consequence to me, whether it be a family member or someone I don't know, her kindness to others does not negate her love for me.

Yes, I would be okay with that. If my mother called to say my brother's family had been struggling, let's say hypothetical, he lost his job, or wife has breast cancer, or they just had to move and kids are having a hard time adjusting so she is going to take them to disney, or send them I would be totally for it. Most likely I would send a gift basket or the like to make it special for them. When people have difficulties in life they need a helping hand, not a well it wouldn't be fair attitude. This type of thinking just teaches children to keep a tally sheet and keep score, to hold grudges and be juvenille in their dealings with others and that is no way to live life.

I second what PP said, fair is giving each child what they need. Not trying to put some type of tally on time and trips.

Like I said, I was sure there would be people 'better than I' reading this. Good for you for your selflessness! And I mean that!

Can I ask how many sibs you have and where you fall in the birth order? Maybe this birth order thing does mean something in this scenario - and I fall into the 'I would care' category.

 

[MomtoAlexnWilliam]

I'm sorry that helping others whether be a lot or a little is hurtful. Or that you feel like you have to "keep score" on who gets what? I don't want to teach my children that, if someone needs more attention than they should be hurt, instead to be thankful that they don't need the extra help.

WOW! Why are you attacking me and making judgments about what kind of a person I am?

The OP asked for opinions and I gave one -- based on real life, personal experience. I did so politely and compassionately.

You completely missed the boat on my post. I don't begrudge anyone help. Gosh, if you only knew me in real life (in my house "fair doesn't mean equal") or if you only had completely read my entire post.

What I was responding to is how the other two kids would feel if mom took the troubled one to WDW. I stand by my original position that it would be a really bad idea. I also suggested in my original post that another alone time activity would probably work better. WDW is just too big of an event for most families. To leave out two of your three children could be very damaging to the two. Since the point of the trip is to help the middle child, I am sure the OP doesn't want to create new problems with her other two kids.

 

[eeyoregon]

YES, YES, YES! Take him.

I am doing just that: taking my youngest son in August.

I took my older son when he was almost 8 but left my other son who was almost 4 with my parents. I am a single parent and I was the maid of honor in a Disney Wedding at Epcot. There was no way I could keep track of a 3 1/2 yr old while helping with the wedding events.

I have always wanted to have a special trip with my younger son (also a 6th grader who has emotional/behavioral promblems too), like I did with his brother.

So, when they announced free dining again for this year I booked us! We are only going for 4 nights. We are staying at the Sports (his choosing) and he has made all of our ADR choices.

The best part of my decision is how supportive my older son is. He is excited for us...because he knows that the world doesn't evolve just around him and that it doesn't mean I like one of them more than the other. It's about sharing time with Mom.

I truly can not wait to have this special one-on-one time with him because in a few short years he probably won't want to hang out with Mom at Disney World and you can't get those special memories or that stage in time back.

Oh, and last year my oldest son got to bring a friend to WDW with us. When my younger son reaches that same age, he too will get to bring a friend.

 

[adell557]

Like I said, I was sure there would be people 'better than I' reading this. Good for you for your selflessness! And I mean that!

Can I ask how many sibs you have and where you fall in the birth order? Maybe this birth order thing does mean something in this scenario - and I fall into the 'I would care' category.

I have two brothers, both younger.