What would you do? Rotten teenager

[chager]

I have to agree with the don't yell and don't lecture approach. When I was 18(a REALLY LONG time) ago my mom woke me up one morning and starting yelling at me about drinking, drugs, and driving. (I had been out late the night before)The only thing is I NEVER did any of those things. When I am really tired I can appear to be on something. She should have talked to me about everything and included don't drive if you are exhausted! I have always been the designated driver when we go out becuase I just don't care for alcoholic beverages.
I will admit I was drunk once about 8 years ago. I went to a coworkers house warming party and another coworker thought it would be funny to spike my drink! I was drinking punch and they put something in it. I didn't taste it but I felt the effects fairly quickly. I ended up staying several hours longer then I intended becuase I knew I had to let the stuff get out of my system. Everyone else there was trashed so I cleaned up the kitchen while drinking TONS of water. I had a long drive and couldn't have given direction to anyone to come get me if I wanted to. I wasn't familiar with the area. (They all suffered my wrath for a couple days after this. )
I may need to save this post for if DS ever comes home drunk so I remember what I have said

 

[ckr]

I wonder how and/or why she'd be out getting drunk on a school night?

 

[Pin Wizard]

I'm with Doc on this one. And I think the time to have the discussion of a kid being able to call mom and dad for a ride needs to be discussed BEFORE they ever show up at home drunk! Once they've shown up that way, it's Doc's plan.

 

[twinmomplus2new]

Thanks for all the advice last night obviously I was losing it.
In response to some of the questions, Why did I say I can not prove it? Because she was caught not driving but coming in drunk last Christmas break and denied it and since noone else in the family saw her it was my word against hers. That time she was punished for 2 weeks. Had the long talk about dangers of alcohol, call me to get you if you are at a party and this comes up, the whole 9 yards. Obviously it made no differance what so ever.

THE CAR IS GONE!!!!!! I WILL NOT GIVE IT BACK>

A neighbor called this am, it seems last night she got out of another car and then someone pulled up in her car, she got in her own car and drove the car from the end of his driveway home here. So she was not driving, still the car is gone I don't care if she drove it 4 feet or 4 miles she drove it drunk period the car is gone.

She just came upstairs and says, yes, she was drunk, was a t a party no big deal everyone was drunk. First off by my of thinking way big deal!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have called the parents of the kids she was with. Not gonna make me popular with them but I don't care.
We are supposed to be leaving in 2 hours with another family for a little vacation, Nice want to travel with me?

FYI.. you can oder portable breathlizer tests, online which I ordered at 2am last night. Although since she is now punished to the unforseeable future... I don't know what I am going to use them for.

As far as the dangers of alcohol. 2 days ago my godmother was admitted to the hsopitol, with liver failure, kidney failure, and heart failure from years and years of alcohol abuse. for the last 2 days my kid has listened to the phone conversations and the talk about how she is dieng in the ICU. I even gave a lecture to her on Monday night as to look at this, And see what can happen? And the next day she does this. If I survive this teenager It will be a miracle I swear.


CKR it is not a school night it is school vacation here.

PINWIZARD... This is of course past the time to have this discussion, It has been had many times, many ways. But since she is a teen they do think they are invicable. Go back and read my posts on my old screen name. I am very strict always follow up and always am involved and proactive. I shudder to think what she would do if I wasn't at the door waiting for her to come into the house.

I know I opened myself up for this by venting and posting, But trust me this is not a case of all the right stuff not being done, and myself not being proactive, This child is a straight A honor student never a behavior problem. Just got 108, 110 and 102's on her midterm. Just brought home a report card last week with an A-plus in honors latin. I always know where she is I call and double check, Don't say it can not hapen with your kid, Trust me it can it happened to me. Despite doing everything right.
Go figure...Thats what is stinging the most, I HAVE DONE ALL THIS!!!!It looks like the only thing I can do at this point is to keep her punished till eternity.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

what a rough period to go through.

I think you are doing the right thing taking the car away for the time being. I know you are very angry right now, but it really is better that she didn't drive herself all the way home. I hope whomever was driving the car was sober.

I hope things go better for you. Parenting a teenager is very difficult.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

{{HUGS}}

You will survive. It sounds as though she really doesn't get it. I think most teens don't.

 

[ckr]

You've at least made enough of an impression that she did not drive all the way home drunk. She seems to have known not to drive drunk, but wanted to see if she could get in the house unnoticed and having someone else drive her car into your driveway wouldn't have made that easy.

Give yourself some credit. You've made some progress.

 

[Lucky4me]

I not only took my sons car away, but I made him surrender his license and enter a 6 week alcohol awareness rehab program. Overkill maybe, but he'll never drink and drive again. For two years he walked, rode his bike and hitched rides with friends. Quite embarrassing when you're a college Freshman, but he survived.

 

[Feralpeg]

I'll probably get in trouble for saying this. One of the people I worked with had a son that came home drunk a couple of times. His parents had talked to him and even taking away his car keys for awhile. After the third occasion, they took him to meet with a police officer. The police officer took him to visit the family of a boy who died because he was driving drunk. He took him to visit the boy's grave. My co-workers son didn't drink after that.

They just don't think it can happen to them. How many adults drive after drinking and think it won't happen to them.

I know that if my DD started drinking, I would take her to the nearest police station, morgue or whatever necessary to get the message across.

Okay, start with the hate mail!

 

[Pooh93]

You are a good parent. I agree, you can talk until you are blue in the face and sometimes it doesn't sink in, but some of it must be sinking in because she did not drive home. Showing there are consequences for her actions should be a big wake up call and should help it sink in the rest of the way. Stand your ground. {{HUGS}} and hopefully, this too shall pass.

 

[sharbear]

twinmomplus2new,

It's hard being the parent of a teenager! I thought that it would get easier as they get older, boy I was wrong.

I think that you did exactly the right thing. It sounds like you have a great teenager who did a very stupid thing last night. I have a couple of friends who have the personal breathlizer, it helps when you want to prove a point.

Good luck, I think that you did exactly the right thing. Good luck with your trip and a moody teenager!

 

[Serena]

The only thing more I can say is to hang in there. She's testing her limits and yours'. But you will both get through this.

 

[Rajah]

I think ckr is right -- you're getting through more than you think. At least she didn't drive all the way home drunk, and that is a start at least.

I also think Feralpeg has the right idea -- I think taking her to talk to an officer who would do something similar (show a family who's son or daughter died drinking, etc) would be a good idea.

Good luck.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Don't say it can not hapen with your kid, Trust me it can it happened to me. Despite doing everything right.

Absolutely true. The kids I deal with are 3 sport athletes who are on the honor society, and in clubs at school. They have parents who care, and they drink, alot. Drugs aren't so much of an issue because they are athletes and to them that would hurt performance. I tell my kids if I knew they wouldn't get in a car and drive, or with a drunk driver, or if they wouldn't binge drink these larege quantities, I wouldn't be so worried about alcohol. All you can do is accept that you will be unpopular, and treat her like you don't trust her for now. I did stuff like this when I was in high school. There were things I did that scare me to death to think about now. And there was nothing anybody could have said to me at the time that would have changed the dumb stuff I was doing. My parents could, however, have not given me a car, known where I was, called friends parents, etc. And they should have done that.
My sons have a good friend who has a great dad. One day he drank a bit too much, it was late at night and there were kids biking on the road in the dark with dark clothing on. He hit them and one boy died. It is extremely likely that this accident would have happened even if he hadn't been drinking. But now he's in prison for 12yrs. He won't see any of his kids graduate from highschool or college. He won't be there for first dates or prom, etc. His family may lose everything and be forced to live in a small apt. And this is nothing compared to what the boy who died's family is going thru. This man rarely drank. It is amazing how one small decision can change so many lives.
Try to blot this out of your head just for your vacation. Relax, enjoy, cause when you come back and enforce the punishment I imagine she will make your life miserable.

 

[KarenC]

Originally posted by twinmomplus2new
I am very strict always follow up and always am involved and proactive. I shudder to think what she would do if I wasn't at the door waiting for her to come into the house.

I know I opened myself up for this by venting and posting, But trust me this is not a case of all the right stuff not being done, and myself not being proactive, This child is a straight A honor student never a behavior problem. Just got 108, 110 and 102's on her midterm. Just brought home a report card last week with an A-plus in honors latin. I always know where she is I call and double check, Don't say it can not hapen with your kid, Trust me it can it happened to me. Despite doing everything right.

With a 15 and 18 year old, I know how trying these times can be. And how much we want to try to protect them from all the dangers that are out there in the world. I totally support you in the decision to take the car away...she obviously can't be trusted with a lethal weapon.

When I was a teen, I didn't have a lot of "rules". My parents expected me to be good, and for the most part, I was. Woe be to any of us who disappointed my parents, though. I observed that, in my Catholic girls school, the kids who had the strictest parents tended to make the most bad choices. The parents' strictness became a challenge and it was a game to see what they could get away with. The kids whose parents trusted them to do the right thing, usually did. (Then there were the kids whose parents didn't care one way or the other--they were REALLY trouble.)

It seems to me that you and your daughter have gotten into an ugly cycle. She's rebelling and giving you sound reasons not to trust her. It's probably worth having a talk together with a professional to help her understand that you set these rules because you care so much about her and for her to understand what she can do to regain your trust so that you don't feel like you have to check up on her so much.

Being a straight A honor student can be a burden on a kid. They want to prove they're "normal". Her behavior sounds like a cry for help. It sounds like she has a solid foundation, and just needs some reinforcement and she'll be fine. Good luck to you.

 

[danacara]

I think you have to step back and think about what type of discipline your teenager is going to respond to best. As a starting point, you've done the right thing by taking away the car. Driving drunk is seriously not OK. But beyond that, if your daughter is really exceptional across the board - school is going well, you like her friends, she has a work ethic, etc - you might want to otherwise let this one go, or talk to her about your high school experiences. I was no saint in high school in terms of alcohol and my mother never condemned me for it - I think if anything she was happy that I had social skills - that left me in a position where I actually talked to her about what was going on in my life, what pressures I felt, etc. Keep in mind that a generation ago drunk at 18 was OK, so long as she doesn't drive, the sky will not fall down ... Just my $0.02 ...

 

[Evil Princess]

Originally posted by Feralpeg
I'll probably get in trouble for saying this. One of the people I worked with had a son that came home drunk a couple of times. His parents had talked to him and even taking away his car keys for awhile. After the third occasion, they took him to meet with a police officer. The police officer took him to visit the family of a boy who died because he was driving drunk. He took him to visit the boy's grave. My co-workers son didn't drink after that.

They just don't think it can happen to them. How many adults drive after drinking and think it won't happen to them.

I know that if my DD started drinking, I would take her to the nearest police station, morgue or whatever necessary to get the message across.

Okay, start with the hate mail!

No trouble for saying what you did, I personally think that after repeat offenses your co-workers did the right thing with their son.

Are you saying that if your DD started drinking, or drinking and doing destructive things, like driving home drunk, that you'd take her to the morgue?

It's just not realistic to believe that teenagers are never going to drink. Some don't, and more power to them, however, that just isn't the reality. Talking to your child about drinking, drinking and driving, parties and the date rape drug, and offerening to drive them home if their ride or if they themselves had too much to drink is much more effective with a teenager.

And I apologize for offering advice when it isn't asked for...
Honestly, though, I'm a college freshman, and the girls that go CRAZY in college tend to be the ones who had the strict parents...the girls who never touched alcohol and were never taught how to be responsible at parties, even while drinking. The 180 that the kids do when they're sheltered and get all the freedom is incredible, and sad at times.

twinmomplus2new, you did the right thing by taking away the keys. It's a tough situation, and everything will work out.

 

[Tiggeroo]

But beyond that, if your daughter is really exceptional across the board - school is going well, you like her friends, she has a work ethic, etc - you might want to otherwise let this one go, or talk to her about your high school experiences

Yep, I agree. I hope i didn't sound too harsh. If you don't have reason to suspect a real problem, and everything else is going well, just address the drinking and driving. Take away the car, and be the one to do the driving. Most kids make a drinking mistake or two in hs. My big concern with my kids is that they don't get hurt or hurt anybody else. With my dd I always told her to watch her drink and not let anybody else get a drink for her. To never walk around alone, the stuff to avoid things like rape and other creeps. Make sure your dd knows you will pick her up any time or place, no questions asked.
If there are other problems and you two are constantly butting heads and it interferes with your family or other areas of her life counseling might be in order, if only to help you to establish some ground rules.
I know some will disagree with me. I really think it's the rare teen who gets to 21 without ever drinking.

 

[Octoberbride03]

I haven't read all of these posts so if this is a repeat of somebody else's suggestion then i apologize in advance.

Make a call to the Medical Examiner's office or the state police barracks and ask them if they have a morgue program for teens. Several states have programs where teens actually visit the morgue and see ppl who died as a result of intoxicated drivers. This varies in gruesomeness, but has an effect like nothing else.

As for the car, i'd sell it out from under her and have her license pulled till 18. She clearly has no business driving.

Good luck

 

[Dog]

Twin Mom, I have found with experience that yelling and screaming till your blue in the face most of the time does not do any good but make the teenager rebel even more. Peer pressure is what causes incidents like this to occur constantly. First and this is MHOP find out where this party was, who hosted it etc. because if it was held in a home the Homeowner would have have been liable if anything went wrong. Contact the home owner or the parent of the person who threw the party. I bet that where ever or who ever threw this party the parent of the person had no clue that a party ever occurred and if they did well....shame on them. Remember if your daughter was in this condition how many others were in the same or worst condition leaving this party.

Now for the penalty faze..... I am not sure when you updated your post that she had drove the car from a neighbors house or that somebody drove her car home with her in it. In the state of MASS. if you had a BOC of .08 and above and the keys were just in the ignition you can be charged with OUI even if the car was just parked and she was sleeping in the car. I dont know what the penalty is in your state but here on the first offense it is an automatic loss of license for 120 days,driving school ( alcohol program) and court costs (lawers and police officer salaries) and or fines. All in total can cost $1000's. And this is the first offense.
Now why dont you become the Officer,Jusdge and jury on this and find out in your state how much money a first offense on average is and levy this on her (Maybe put it in a bank account till say she is 21 (legal drinking age) and give it back to her when she is responsible enough or needed in college. Take her license away for whatever time it is in your state. Also tell her in MASS a 17 year old is an ADULT thus she would have an adult criminal record. OUI is a very, very costly event and I have not even mentioned how much her insurance will go up (it will go through the roof because she is a junior operator..if you think the insurance is high now you havent seen anything yet and surcharged for the next 6 years).She will think twice about doing this again. Tell her you love her but she must be punished for this. She rolled the dice this time and won but there could be a time when she will lose and get caught or even worst a car accident that causes serious injury or death.