What would you do? Rotten teenager

[lisajl]

Twinmom....a for you!

It does not get easier...I have a DD18 and two boys almost 10 and 7. Geez...I dread to think of what they will do.

Best of luck to you...

Lisajl

 

[TINKTWINS]

Oh I certainly feel for you. I have been in a simmilar situation with my almost 18yo DS, if I dare call him DS. You can NEVER EVER predict what a kid will choose to do. When we caught DS we did a huge room search. We found pictures of him and all his friends at a party. Now my son was in a Catholic HS costing about 7,000. bucks a year, honor roll kid since 4th grade, football basketball player. Dated cheerleader, all his friends were on the football team, you get the pic. How nieve I was, I knew all these kids, I cooked pasta dinners every Friday night for the Football team, these kids came to my home ect. Well it was my kid who go caught. You quickly see how people turn on you and look down their nose at you!! I wanted to blow up the pictures to POSTER size and say look, heres your son the all star all scholastic, and heres yours, national honor society, heres yours star QB, and yours thats on the HS ministry ect. you get the picture.
None the less, it hurts, its scary, and you wonder where in the world I went wrong. Its not easy, and it doesnt get better over night. I actually had one mother say to me oh I know they have their little drinking partys on the weekend. I was horrified!! This is just not ok with me. Unfortunatly, there are SO MANY teens doing this now, its a constant on going battle. I wish you luck, I wish any parent of teens luck and prayers, even myself! Its just not as easy as you think it will be. Not all the money, good schools, parent involvement changes it. Trust me, he is our oldest of 7 and we have always been very involved in his life. The peer pressure must be so much more than when we were teens.

 

[Ronda93]

Finally, there's the money.

She shouldn't drive until you trust her with your financial future, or turns 18 and your name is not on the auto. An acquaintance is still reeling from the financial damage done when her 15 yo drove the family car into a neighbor's house - drunk. There's little insurance for that.

Holding parents reponsible comes right after "just say no" fails.

Good luck.

 

[Lucky4me]

Aw Tinktwins, don't be so hard on yourself. Underage drinking is epidemic in this country and NO ONES children are immune to it. I don't care how great of a relationship you have with your child, how perfect they are in every other respect, or how much they insist they'll never drink. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.

You have to do everything you can early on to educate them. You have to keep communicating. You have to keep your ears and eyes open. Then after all that you have to pray.

My sons partied in high school a lot. That's winding down now at 21 and 22. My 17yo dd (according to her) has never taken a sip. She's trustworthy and has never given me a bit of trouble. I still pray every time she walks out that door.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Dog, I like how you think. The punishment part is GREAT! I will have to remember that.

 

[MinnieM21]

Wow, I'm really sorry that had to happen. I don't understand why some teenagers drink..I'm almost 19 and have never had alcohol in my life and don't plan on it. Well, it's the people who she's hanging out with who are having a bad influence on her. I don't hang out with people who are into getting drunk and partying, therefore I don't do it either. And remember, just because she might be getting good grades doesn't mean that she won't drink. I know a lot of girls and boys who I went to high school with and had straight A's, yet they were the ones who were into drinking. I would have a talk with her about it and let her know about the consequences if she does this again. Also, I wouldn't let her go out past a certain time at night. You should maybe consider talking to her about the bad influences some of her friends might have on her.

 

[Soccer Princess]

I completely disagree with MinnieM21. Making her come in earlier or badmouthing her friends is only going to tick her off more. To be honest, that would make me want to go out and rebel against my mom.

It's great that your daughter has good grades, but that has nothing to do with her social habits. I partied a lot in high school and got a full scholarship to college.

Teenagers are going to drink. When she is in college there will be nothing you can do to control her actions. What you can do is to teach her to drink responsibly. Be there if she needs a ride home and encourage her to always have a designated sober driver.

Yelling and punishing her aren't going to stop her from drinking. I can honestly say I got in trouble for something similar my sophomore year (not driving) and heck yeah I still went out and did it. It just made me find more ways to hide it.

The drinking and driving issue does worry me. I'm on a college campus where there is a lot of drinking, BUT we always have a DD or if not, call a cab. Not only could you get in so much trouble with the police, you could kill someone. (Just a side note-- you do have to say whether you have a felony or misdemeanor on most college apps.)

Sorry so long but its JMHO ...

 

[sorcerormickey]

First of all, let me say to TwinMom - I AM SO SORRY FOR WHAT YOU ARE GOING THRU! I cannt imagine being in your shoes. You must be so angry and scared!

But, I must disagree with Soccer Princess when she says this:

Teenagers are going to drink

I am 28 years old and have never had a drink. My father was an alchoholic and that and smoking led to his cancers that killed him. Maybe seeing what alchohol does first hand had a huge impact on my decisions to drink or not. Not all teenagers are going to drink!!

I really have no advice, just good luck to you and you family TwinMom!

 

[crazelion]

Okey get ready to play devil advocate for a minute. Say she went a party and thought she was drinking punch that was non alochic and it was spike. I know all time when I was in high school they would spike the punch none us would know it. Some mixed drinks have a sweet taste to them and can't tell having alochic until it's to late.

Here her side the story first before judging her. Some may even slip her the date rape drug in her drink and had a bad reaction to it. The date rape drug is oderless and tastless and can make don't where you is.

Found out the story first.

 

[Disney Doll]

Screaming and carrying on will do no good, but your child does need to see that actions have consequences. You have taken the car away. If I were you, she'd never drive another one of my cars again. The next car that kid drove would be one that she bought and insured herself. If anything had happened to anyone because your daughter was driving your car drunk, you could have lost everything. I wouldn't carry on about it though...I'd be very matter-of-fact. I also wouldn't make her "car-free" life any easier by driving her anywhere. She'd walk or arrange and/or pay for her own rides. Again, adult decisions(to drink and drive), adult consequences.

I don't know where you live, but the hospital I work at has a program called TEDD-TV which is a trauma scenario built around a drunk driving teenager who gets into an accident. The ER staff does it in conjunction with the police and EMTs. They start with the drunk driver coming in through the ER doors, the reaction of the parents, the medical-care side of it(and believe me, they make it as bloody and gory as possible). My friend is involved in it, and she said they have actually had kids faint during this program, that's how intense it is. The last piece of the program is a speech by an EMT whose son was killed while driving drunk. This man was called to the scene of this accident as the EMT, and when he pulled up, realized it was his son's car. Talk about a nightmare. I've seen the program start to finish, and believe me, it is powerful.

I also wouldn't have a lot of trust in her, and I'd make sure she knew that. She actually sounds like a good kid who did something stupid, and I know that for myself, also a good kid who did a few stupid things in my teen years, disappointing my parents or losing their trust was worse than getting grounded and yelled at.

Don't make light of it either though. She must know that this is not acceptable behavior.

The bottom line...your house, your rules.

 

[dennis99ss]

Can I say chill a bit. Maybe you should not make a big deal out of it. She actually did the right thing. She didn't drive home. You punish her on the basis that she drinks and drives, but, she didn't drive. She pulled up the drive. Sure, Sure, any driving is bad. I think you should tell her how much respect you have for her and/or her friends for taking her, and her car home. Think of the peer pressure involved in asking for a ride at a party.

Kids are gonna drink. Although I worry about excess, etc. I worry more about the driving. Hopefully the, no matter what, call, and you get in no trouble will work when mine get older.

I didn't have any type of deal like that with my folks. I don't know if I would have used the offer even if it had been stated. I do remember coming home more than a few sheets to the wind on numerous occassions, in high school, college breaks, etc. No big lectures, just loud music and bright lights a couple hours after I got in.

 

[teh fish]

there is absolutely no excuse for driving drunk. I don't care if you have to wake up your parents or pay for a cab, never say "but it was the only way to get home".

taking the car was a good idea.

 

[Mad4Mickey]

I'm sorry that you are having problems . I have been very lucky I guess if you can call it that . I am sure that mine have done things that I would'nt like !

DD told me about 3 months that she had a drink at a party . I would not have known had she not told me . I really wanted to ground her , take her car, yell , scream, tell her she was ruining her life with bad choices and lock her in the house forever. BUT then my husband took control before I could even speak. He told her that he was proud that she would come to us . Then he sent her upstairs and drug me to our room . He told me that we would be making a mistake by yelling and screaming because then she would never come to us again . She did get into trouble but we didnt take her car and do everything I wanted to do to her . We did tell her she woud not be allowed out with the person who gave her the drink . ( The girls parents served them at their home ! )

Good luck and remember Killing is bad LOL
Mishell

 

[MsDisney23]

My DD is 19 and last Christmas (2002) she lost her best friend to a Drunk Driver. His name was Micahael Albano. "Michael's Law" was just signed by Gov. Jim McGrievey.

I would have to make it a must that she do some type of community service with a group like MADD or SAD. No if's and or but's. I believe in the long run she will thank you!

 

[HoneyPooh]

I posted and hit the back button a few times on this one. No, all the kids aren't going to do it. If all the kids your daughter knows ARE doing it, she needs a new set of friends who are not so dangerous to be around. They are out there, believe me, I was one of many of them. As my mom would have said "if all the kids jumped off the water tower, would you?". I know you said she rode with someone else back to her car, but was the person she rode with sober? My neice now proudly displays a tatoo on her hip of her best friends initials inside a broken heart. My neice's friend went to a party and everyone got drunk. Her friend was just coherent enough to know she shouldn't drive her car home, but not coherent enough to know how drunk (and stoned) the guy she gave the keys to was. She died when the car hit a tree at 100 mph. There were four kids in that car and every one of them was on the national honor society list and would be graduating with high honors. All the knowledge in that car didn't do a bit of good. As teenagers, for the most part (there are some VERY mature minded teenagers around) they aren't always able to make smart decisions, especially when they have already probably had one drink. That's why parents are responsible for them until they turn 18. Yelling at a kid won't kill them, driving drunk or getting in the car with someone who is drunk, could. My neice went to a different party that night or she certainly would have been in that car. She would have been drunk (and probably was at the party she was at) because my sister was so proud of her grades, amount of friends, athletic prowess and popularity, that she didn't put a halt to it before it got out of hand. My sister like being my neices "friend". And yes, they had the old "just call me if you DO drink and I'll come get you" agreement, but my neice had never called for a ride so my sister figured my neice wasn't getting drunk only having a drink. I think my neice would rather have been yelled at and I'm sure she wishes her friend's mom had yelled at her to. There was a rude awakening at my sister's house after that accident when all the stupid stunts my neice had pulled came to light. As long as you've always had a good relationship with your daughter, she should be able by now to understand if you yell at her and punish her that you love her but hate her actions. Make sure she understands that if you let it go, it would mean that you didn't care what happened to her. Also, the statistics on teen alcoholism are sobering (pun intended). All the stories start with "I had a drink at a party". The boys in the back seat of the car my neices friend was killed in said they heard her "screaming really loud and then she just stopped". I don't envy the OP but it definitely needs to be handled quickly and effectively with no wavering. Sorry for the length of this post, but as you can tell, I feel strongly about this. I have this nightmare of my neice "screaming really loudly and then just stopping" it could have so easily been my neice and not her friend.

 

[wilderness01]

Our life was changed forever when we were hit by a drunk driver. No, there was not anyone that died but serious injuries still haunt us years later. I would definately not give that car back. She is just entering her years of parties, etc. and if she has already been drinking and driving what is to stop her from doing this again? I would contact your local MADD chapter and take her to a meeting. It is amazing what you can learn at one of the meetings and hopefully the shock value will shock some sense into her before she hits an innocent family and/or harms herself. Although an accident like this would be unintentional, it is unforgivable and will change everyone's lives forever. Good luck to you.

 

[Misty89]

take her to a ER some weekend night and let her watch the mess that comes in from drunk driving.
i agree, her car would be gone. nothing fun for a LONG time. in my area we have a ton of drunk drivers and this year alone we have lost about 12 people from drinking and driving. I work in a place that i am in constant contact with drivers, and i have on average 2 customers per night whom reak of alcohol....if i could turn them in i would.
DD is CRIME and it KILLS - even inocent people fathers, mothers, wives, fathers and children.

 

[dennis99ss]

THE CAR IS GONE!!!!!! I WILL NOT GIVE IT BACK>

A neighbor called this am, it seems last night she got out of another car and then someone pulled up in her car, she got in her own car and drove the car from the end of his driveway home here. So she was not driving, still the car is gone I don't care if she drove it 4 feet or 4 miles she drove it drunk period the car is gone.



Did anybody even read this from the OP. The kid did not drive home. Ok, she drove from the neighbor. yea, bad, but come on! There is no big deal here! You should reward her for not driving, not punish her.

 

[Snowysmom]

Being a parent of teenagers is very difficult and it sounds like you have been doing most of the right things. Taking her car away is a great idea. She needs to realize what could have happened and accept responsibility for her actions. She didn't drive home herself which is good but she was still drinking and that is a big issue. Some people think all teenagers are going to drink so it is no big deal as long as they don't drive. To the contrary it is a very big deal. My 18 year old does not drink and has health issues that would get very serious if he did drink. He thinks getting drunk is one of the worst things you can do to yourself. My father and brother both drink to excess and my DS is disgusted by how they act when they have been drinking. The good thing is they don't drive after they have been drinking. Their health has suffered from the drinking. DS is a college freshman and he does not drink and yet has fun at college. Keep up the good work with your DD. You are a concerned and caring parent.

 

[wilderness01]

Dennis~

Reward her? For what? From the way I read the OP and then the followup it appears that the first time she did indeed drive drunk. Then it reads as the second time is the time she got out of another person's car and then drove it 4 feet. Can TwinMom clear this up? Or did I mistake the second post for it happening a second time? Whatever the case, TAKE THE CAR AWAY.

I don't mean to get all preachy and on a soapbox but here goes:

When you get hit by a drunk driver and have to live with everything that goes with it you understand that this is nothing to take lightly. It destroys lives! I know what I am talking about. We were very "blessed" by the drunk driver that hit us in that he was in a smaller van than ours. The point of impact was at my 6 month old daughter's carseat. Next to her was our 2 year old son. Our car was totaled as well as the other driver's minivan. The police said if we had been in a minivan our son and daughter would have been killed as well as my spouse who was sitting in the backseat. Drinking and Driving is against the law and should not be taken lightly! My spouse has permanent disabilities from this accident and we live daily with that. My spouse also needs more surgeries and will never be the same physically. If another person could be spared this kind of pain from educating people on the dangers of drinking and driving than at least something would be gained from the horrible accidents that happen everyday. We were one of the fortunate ones that no one was killed and I thank God everyday that we all had angels on our shoulders!

I know that kids are dumb and make mistakes. That is how they grow and learn. However nothing would be learned if she hurt/killed another human being. She would have to live with that for the rest of her life, along with the suffering family.

By the way, the man that hit us was in his forties. So much for learning from being "just a kid doing stupid kid things"!