What would you do if...

[Colleen27]

I was just over 21 when I found out I was pregnant, so this hits close to home. I don't know what I would have done if my parents had the mentality that some of you do.

A 21yo, or even an 18yo, is within reach of being able to support herself and deal with the consequences of her choice, and I'd be happy to give my young adult child a boost to help her her get there. But a 15yo child is an entirely different matter; she is not in a position to support herself for many years, and will need extensive long-term help to get there at all.

 

[alex9179]

Actually, he has more power than that - he can refuse to consent to adoption without consequence. He doesn't automatically end up with the baby because he prevents an adoption; when the parents are unmarried presumptive custody still rests with the mother. I've see that in action more times than I care to count: the father (usually under immense pressure from his parents) refuses to sign adoption papers, ending the mother's hopes of placing the child with a loving family who wants and is ready for a baby, and then goes on with life more or less as usual. And the mother is left with the choice between raising the child herself or giving it up via 'safe haven' laws without the father's consent, knowing that if the father doesn't assert his rights the baby will end up in foster care.

This is true. He isn't required to raise the child. The state will go after him for child support if public assistance is sought, this includes foster care. Of course, remaining unemployed is a way to reduce that duty.

This is in response to the "she's on her own" comment. I believe in most states you can't toss your minor child out of the house without incurring legal problems. The rights and duties of parenthood demand the care and support of the child. The pregnant teen would have to be emancipated and that won't happen against her will or even at all unless a judge feels that it's in her best interest.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Have you ever found yourself pregnant at a young age?

I can tell you being kicked out of the house does not send a message of "we support you and are here for you". I think the reality of parenthood is loving and supporting your child no matter what they do and the mistakes they make, and there's no better way to teach then by example, in my opinion.

We got pregnant, on purpose, at 19. We were already engaged, and were in college. Not the smartest decision ever, but I wouldn't change it. If our parents abandoned us, I can't really even fathom what would have happened. We did end up renting an off-campus house, and had friends living with us help raise our DD, but we still needed family support. We probably would have never finished college.

 

[Pigeon]

I would discuss her three options with her.

I would make it crystal clear that dh and I are not raising a grand child. She and a child could live with us, but the baby would be 100% her responsibility. I would also explore with her the costs associated with raising a child, and her likely sources of income, as someone who hasn't even got a high school diploma. We would discuss the cost of child care, as dh and I would not be providing it.

We would support either of the other two alternatives.

Ultimately, it would be her choice, but again, I'm not up for raising a grand child.

 

[morethananyonex]

A 21yo, or even an 18yo, is within reach of being able to support herself and deal with the consequences of her choice, and I'd be happy to give my young adult child a boost to help her her get there. But a 15yo child is an entirely different matter; she is not in a position to support herself for many years, and will need extensive long-term help to get there at all.

I know there is a big difference between the ages in terms of capability to financially support a child. My point was even at the age of 21 I would have probably fallen apart if not for my family standing behind my boyfriend and I and loving and supporting us. I can't imagine being abandoned and pregnant at 15, my heart breaks for those girls

We got pregnant, on purpose, at 19. We were already engaged, and were in college. Not the smartest decision ever, but I wouldn't change it. If our parents abandoned us, I can't really even fathom what would have happened. We did end up renting an off-campus house, and had friends living with us help raise our DD, but we still needed family support. We probably would have never finished college.

I think family support is so important especially at a young age. I don't get the mentality of taking it away when it's needed most.

 

[kelis]

My brother and his gf got pregnant when they were 16. She told me before she told him (she and I were good friends). I insisted she tell him immediately and she did. She told him at that time that he had 2 weeks to tell his family or she would do it for him. After 2 days, she took my mom and step dad to lunch and told them behind his back. She informed my parents then that my brother had an additional 4 weeks to decide if he was going to be a father, which included marrying her, or she would write a letter stating that my brother was NOT the father. My brother was only given SIX WEEKS to decided if he wanted to be a father AND marry her OR play no part in the life of his (unknown at the time) son. Her parents apparently supported those 2 choices. Well that whole 6 week period of time came and went and she didn't hear from my brother, so she wrote the letter. Her parents never contacted mine. My parents made no attempt to contact her parents. Then the girl dropped off the face of the earth.

My brother went on to have 2 more kids and was an amazing father. He always wondered about his first child and would have loved to been a father to him.

Fast forward 10+ years and the girls shows up to my brother's funeral with her then 10 year old son. (his mom said he was raised knowing who his father was) He was the spitting image of my brother from the way he looked, talked, walked, laughed, everything. It was painful and amazing for all of us since we really had no clue what had become of this child and IF he really was my brother's. My nephew found out that day that he had a younger brother and a younger sister. As I later found out during a conversation with the mom, she apparently told him that he wasn't wanted by my brother and that led my nephew to question why he wanted the younger 2 and not him. His mother never told him about the letter that she wrote. Nor did she tell her family because they thought all along that my brother was a deadbeat. When I told her that my mom still had that letter, she freaked and has not spoken to me since. She has never allowed my mom to have a relationship with him and she only lets my bio dad see him because he sends her money every month (long story) So here this boy thinks that my brother didn't "want" him and his mother basically taught him that, when in reality she tried to force his hand with marriage or nothing. It's been a big mess, to say the least.

All this to say that I have 3 boys, so I can't imagine it from the parent of a daughter perspective but I certainly learned alot during the ordeal with my brother. So many things were handled badly on all sides of the table. If my son got a girl pregnant, the first thing I would do is have a sit down with the girl's family and find out what the collective plans would be. While I realize that the girl would have the ultimate say in the abortion scenario, I would hope she would not choose that. If she wanted to place the baby for adoption, I would be the first to raise my hand to take the baby. If she wanted to keep him/her, I would make sure that the girl knew, as well as her parents, that my son would emotionally, physically and financially involved and responsible. My husband and I, as grandparents, would also do everything we could to support our son, the baby and the mother of the baby. If she got kicked out by her own family, we would be the family taking her in.

 

[sbell111]

I think family support is so important especially at a young age. I don't get the mentality of taking it away when it's needed most.

I agree. It seems that many take the position that they will support their child no matter what happens as long as the child always does things their way and it never becomes at all inconvenient.

 

[kelis]

I will also add that I hope I never run into the tricky scenario of one of my identical twin boys getting a girl pregnant and neither of them fessing up. Either way I will know that it is my grandchild and be supportive.

 

[sbell111]

My brother and his gf got pregnant when they were 16. She told me before she told him (she and I were good friends). I insisted she tell him immediately and she did. She told him at that time that he had 2 weeks to tell his family or she would do it for him. After 2 days, she took my mom and step dad to lunch and told them behind his back. She informed my parents then that my brother had an additional 4 weeks to decide if he was going to be a father, which included marrying her, or she would write a letter stating that my brother was NOT the father. My brother was only given SIX WEEKS to decided if he wanted to be a father AND marry her OR play no part in the life of his (unknown at the time) son. Her parents apparently supported those 2 choices. Well that whole 6 week period of time came and went and she didn't hear from my brother, so she wrote the letter. Her parents never contacted mine. My parents made no attempt to contact her parents. Then the girl dropped off the face of the earth.

My brother went on to have 2 more kids and was an amazing father. He always wondered about his first child and would have loved to been a father to him.

Fast forward 10+ years and the girls shows up to my brother's funeral with her then 10 year old son. (his mom said he was raised knowing who his father was) He was the spitting image of my brother from the way he looked, talked, walked, laughed, everything. It was painful and amazing for all of us since we really had no clue what had become of this child and IF he really was my brother's. My nephew found out that day that he had a younger brother and a younger sister. As I later found out during a conversation with the mom, she apparently told him that he wasn't wanted by my brother and that led my nephew to question why he wanted the younger 2 and not him. His mother never told him about the letter that she wrote. Nor did she tell her family because they thought all along that my brother was a deadbeat. When I told her that my mom still had that letter, she freaked and has not spoken to me since. She has never allowed my mom to have a relationship with him and she only lets my bio dad see him because he sends her money every month (long story) So here this boy thinks that my brother didn't "want" him and his mother basically taught him that, when in reality she tried to force his hand with marriage or nothing. It's been a big mess, to say the least.

She gave your brother six weeks to make a decision and he chose to not even discuss the issue with her. From that alone, it would appear that her conclusion that he didn't want the child and had no interest in being the baby's father seems pretty accurate. I'm actually a bit shocked that neither your brother nor your parents made any attempt to follow-up on the issue.

 

[sbell111]

I will also add that I hope I never run into the tricky scenario of one of my identical twin boys getting a girl pregnant and neither of them fessing up. Either way I will know that it is my grandchild and be supportive.

If you know who your kids are seeing, then that hypothetical scenario will become much less tricky.

 

[JessicaR]

I know my mom was on of these teen moms. My grandmother gave her two options 1. Give me up for adoption or 2. Keep me and marry my dad when she graduated. SHe picked #2 and I think she regretted it She left us when I was about 10 and never really have much of a relationship with her now and she has never met her Grandkids.

That is heartbreaking. I'm sorry.

To those saying the father has rights - when I said they don't I meant the father and his parents have no rights prior to the birth of that child. It's the girls decision and that can be heavily influenced by her parents no matter what the boy and his family may want. Sorry I wasn't clear.

 

[kelis]

She gave your brother six weeks to make a decision and he chose to not even discuss the issue with her. From that alone, it would appear that her conclusion that he didn't want the child and had no interest in being the baby's father seems pretty accurate. I'm actually a bit shocked that neither your brother or your parents made any attempt to follow-up on the issue.

No, he spoke with her and even went to a doctor's appointment with her. He just didn't want to marry her and her 2 options for him were to be a father AND marry her OR nothing at all. After writing that letter, which was postmarked ON the day of the 6 week mark, (yes we still have the envelope too) she went completely off radar. BUT...my mom had a letter in her hand that went into great detail about how the baby was another man's and she lied about it being my brother's, etc so my parents never went through drastic measures to find her after she disappeared.

 

[kelis]

If you know who your kids are seeing, then that hypothetical scenario will become much less tricky.

Yes, mostly not tricky BUT I personally know of a scenario where this is a reality. A mother in my MoM group had a girl that was sleeping with both of the twins behind their brother's back so it did become tricky. I hope my boys are never that stupid but you can't ever put anything past a 15 year old. Just to be clear, the girl in this situation knew that she was sleeping with both twins but each of the boys did not know she was sleeping with the other twin.

 

[sbell111]

Yes, mostly not tricky BUT I personally know of a scenario where this is a reality. A mother in my MoM group had a girl that was sleeping with both of the twins behind their brother's back so it did become tricky. I hope my boys are never that stupid but you can't ever put anything past a 15 year old. Just to be clear, the girl in this situation knew that she was sleeping with both twins but each of the boys did not know she was sleeping with the other twin.

Pregnancy happens, but we still try to instill in our children that purely casual sex is verboten, right?

 

[luvmy3]

Your post doesn't alter mine in any way.

It doesn't matter that you have been giving her warning of how you will react ever since she was born. You reaction still wouldn't be appropriate or healthy, in my opinion.

If I tell my kids that I'm a bad parent, it doesn't change the effects of my bad behavior.

What reaction are you talking about, educating my dd on the realities of being a teen mother so she'll know exactly what to expect if she chooses to have a baby at 15? Or expecting my teen to be responsible for her decision and letting her have all the responsibilities of parenthood because that is what she chose for herself?
You can look at that and think its inappropriate or unhealthy but I've got to say to any parent who support a 15 year olds decision to become a parent isn't someone I'd take parenting advice from anyway.

 

[sbell111]

What reaction are you talking about, educating my dd on the realities of being a teen mother so she'll know exactly what to expect if she chooses to have a baby at 15? Or expecting my teen to be responsible for her decision and letting her have all the responsibilities of parenthood because that is what she chose for herself?
You can look at that and think its inappropriate or unhealthy but I've got to say to any parent who support a 15 year olds decision to become a parent isn't someone I'd take parenting advice from anyway.

Supporting a fifteen year old's decision to become a parent isn't exactly what this thread is about. The issue is what a parent should do once the horse is out of the barn. At that point, the time to be a hard nose about the issue has come and gone, in my opinion, and it's time to give the child and the grandchild appropriate support.

 

[cornflake]

In other words, you would be forcing your child by taking away all other options.

There is more to the choice of abortion than it just being one of the options. If your dd has a different belief system than you and doesn't believe in abortion, you would still take away her options and place to live so that she would live by your beliefs?
...
When giving a pregnant girl an option ALL parts of that option should be given to her. And abortion isn't the neat little way to get rid of a problem that you seem to think.

It's interesting to me how there is more than one person in the thread who said they would completely sever ties with a child who gave a baby up for adoption, but *I'm* the one who's cruel and crazy. The poster I quoted isn't the one who said that, to be clear, just... interesting.

Anyway, to the poster I quoted... no, I'm not taking away any part of her choice. She can have an abortion or not. That's her choice. The choice of whether to have an abortion doesn't come with 'or be supported by other people and have your child supported as well if you don't want to have an abortion.'

Doesn't for a 15-year-old, doesn't for a 25-year-old, or a 35-year-old. Plenty of adults decide on abortion because they don't have the resources to raise a child at that point in their lives. They don't have the option of someone else stepping in to support them and the kid so they can have what you refer to as "all parts of that option." Their options are their options.

If you're 15 years old, you do not have good options for supporting yourself and a child. That's the facts. You do not have the option of me doing it either, if you're mine. Not happening.

That's not a lack of unconditional love. Unconditional love doesn't, as someone said, equal unconditional support. If your kid was a thief or a drug addict (I'm not equating, I'm casting for something to be obviously demonstrative of my point), I don't think you would say that you love them so it's fine for them to live in your house and continue doing those things unabated.

I'm not supporting the choice to, nevermind funding the choice to, screw up your life. I'm also not having a child foisted into the house because my kid felt like it. That's not how that works, ino.

If you're 15 and pregnant you have all the choices that you have. You do not have the choice to have me financially support you and your child because you want me to. As for the people asking about the legality of that - having a child automatically emancipates a person.

Yes, I hope presenting those choices would force someone's hand - into realizing that it is not realistic to think that a 15-year-old could support a child by his or herself. Because it's not. Rational thought is a good thing. If this realization still hasn't come, well, there's the door. You don't get your way by saying 'I want it anyway.' Ok, have it. Not my problem - screw up your life on your own time, I will not be a party to it.

As to the 24-year-old with the lead paint, that's got nothing to do with anything, imo. Of course they can come stay. That's an adult, capable of supporting themselves and their child, who had an issue with their apartment. Has nothing to do with a child wants me to finance their foray into teen parenthood.

By the way, in general, antibiotics don't do anything to birth control, that's mostly a myth. Also, they should be using more than one method. Yes, accidents happen in that there are people who got pregnant on an IUD and such. However, when used properly, bc has something like a .0something failure rate.

First, double up - no teenager should NOT be using a barrier method to begin with and those should always be used with a spermicide, a hormonal method, something else, etc., which further adds. If there actually was an accident, well, then life is tough, same choice. However, any teen of mine JUST using the pill, would be hearing about their unbridled stupidity until at least the next decade, pregnant or not. There is no excuse for that.

Also btw, putting a name on the birth certificate does nothing wrt custody or child support one way or another.

 

[cornflake]

Also also by the way, luv3 suggested this approach could possibly prevent the problem from occuring. In my experience, it certainly does.

It's how I and most of the people I knew when I was a kid were raised, and how many I know now are. It's unequivocal and known from the start - there'll be no discussion, there just won't be any teen parents in the house, not happening.

Guess how many teen parents I knew as a kid?

Guess how many I know now?

 

[sbell111]

I think that the disconnect between cornflake's position and mine is that I would have unconditional love for my child and my grandchild. Therefore, while I would still love my daughter if she chose to give up the child or abort it, my preference would be for the child to be kept so that I can ensure that my grandchild has everything in his life that he needs, even if that is not convenient for me.

 

[sbell111]

Also also by the way, luv3 suggested this approach could possibly prevent the problem from occuring. In my experience, it certainly does.

It's how I and most of the people I knew when I was a kid were raised, and how many I know now are. It's unequivocal and known from the start - there'll be no discussion, there just won't be any teen parents in the house, not happening.

Guess how many teen parents I knew as a kid?

Guess how many I know now?

That proves nothing. The vast majority of people knew no teen parents growing up and still don't. That doesn't mean that kids weren't having sex. It just means that methods used to avoid pregnancy were effective (or they were lucky or they terminated the pregnancy).