What would you do if...

[Sgt Mickey]

Interesting responses. Not the same you may have received 20 years ago. I have boys so I guess it wouldn't matter a lick what I say.

It does. I have three boys and one girl and I would do the same for my sons as my daughter. Only I guess I would have to hide my son since it is all his fault. BUT I would try to support them both and help both minors out as much as I could. I am still the Grandparent even if it is my sons child.

 

[momto2girls]

Gosh that is a hard one and so difficult for me to contemplate. I hope that I never have to deal with that.

I think I would suggest that my daughter strongly consider adoption. However, I would support whatever choice she made. I would, of course, never consider kicking her out of the house. I would do everything that I could to have her finish high school and college, so that she could support herself eventually.

I would be making sure that she understood completely that her life will change forever if she keeps the baby. I would support her and the baby financially, but the baby would be HER responsibility. Also, I would not be taking care of the baby for her. I had my children and have no desire to take care of any more children. So, I would pay for her to find daycare for the baby for when she is in school, but would not be doing it myself.

 

[AntePrincess]

I find that so sad. You would throw away your daughter in spite because she made a decision about HER child that you disagreed with. Let me go on the record and say that I would never make that decision.

Her hypothetical child is 1) my grandchild, 2) a member of the wider family, and 3) not "her" child anymore once they have been adopted out. Choosing to put a child up for adoption against the wishes of family members who are decent, non-abusive parents, actively preventing them from adopting the child so they could remain within the family, I have a hard time believing that that's not spiteful. As for my presumed spite, that's not the emotion in play, it is hurt and a feeling of complete betrayal. She would have done to my grandchild what my father attempted to do to me, the only way we could continue a relationship from there is if we managed to correct the mistake.

 

[JessicaR]

I understand what you're saying and it should be correct, however from the teen parent situations I've seen over the years, I would caution my daughters to think long and hard about the father and his parents before they become legally affiliated with the baby. Based on the situations I've seen, none have resulted in fathers stepping up and growing into their parental role in any way, shape or form. In several of the cases the parental grandparents have interjected themselves into the situation in very inappropriate ways and condone and support the father's immature choices.

This is not to say the girl's and their parents always act like paragons, but from what I've seen if anybody steps up for the babies it's the mom and/or her parents. Like I said, if it were my girls, if they had concerns about the father or his parents, I'd tell them to take a pass on the few bucks in child support to allow their child to have a better shot at stability.

Biased. But we already knew that. If you were the boys parents your tune may be different.

Instead, caution your daughters about having unprotected sex at 15, 16, 17, ...

 

[JessicaR]

It does. I have three boys and one girl and I would do the same for my sons as my daughter. Only I guess I would have to hide my son since it is all his fault. BUT I would try to support them both and help both minors out as much as I could. I am still the Grandparent even if it is my sons child.

Yes, you are but you have no say.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Her hypothetical child is 1) my grandchild, 2) a member of the wider family, and 3) not "her" child anymore once they have been adopted out. Choosing to put a child up for adoption against the wishes of family members who are decent, non-abusive parents, actively preventing them from adopting the child so they could remain within the family, I have a hard time believing that that's not spiteful. As for my presumed spite, that's not the emotion in play, it is hurt and a feeling of complete betrayal. She would have done to my grandchild what my father attempted to do to me, the only way we could continue a relationship from there is if we managed to correct the mistake.

I don't think it's spiteful at all.

There are a whole bunch of complications that can arise from family adoptions.

 

[AntePrincess]

I don't think it's spiteful at all.

There are a whole bunch of complications that can arise from family adoptions.

Family is complicated, I understand that, but I haven't given away my crazy uncle yet. You make sacrifices for the ones you love sometimes. (Or always, if you're a mom.)

 

[alex9179]

The PPs were clearly discussing their own daughters, not mothers who give their children up for adoption in general. I wouldn't see it as very generous if my daughters decided to give away a grandchild of mine in spite of my willingness to raise the child myself to keep them in the family. In fact, it would end my relationship with my child.

I bolded "giving it away is unacceptable". I think the term "give it away" rubs me the wrong way. You give away clothes, dishes, etc. It doesn't remotely describe the process of choosing adoption.

As far as cutting your child out of your life for choosing it, I guess she'd be better off Your support is available as long as she does what you want her to do? I have to believe that it's just a knee-jerk reaction and not something you'd see through.

I'm ALL for relative adoption if that's the solution for the family. In the end, the parents of the baby decide.

 

[handinpocket]

Her hypothetical child is 1) my grandchild, 2) a member of the wider family, and 3) not "her" child anymore once they have been adopted out. Choosing to put a child up for adoption against the wishes of family members who are decent, non-abusive parents, actively preventing them from adopting the child so they could remain within the family, I have a hard time believing that that's not spiteful. As for my presumed spite, that's not the emotion in play, it is hurt and a feeling of complete betrayal. She would have done to my grandchild what my father attempted to do to me, the only way we could continue a relationship from there is if we managed to correct the mistake.

Yes. Nothing to add but yes, yes, yes.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Family is complicated, I understand that, but I haven't given away my crazy uncle yet. You make sacrifices for the ones you love sometimes. (Or always, if you're a mom.)

I understand sacrifices...But think of how hard it could be on the adoptee as well.

I'm not saying either way(family of random adoption) is worse than the other... Just that maybe family adoptions aren't always the best choice.

 

[okeydokey]

Her hypothetical child is 1) my grandchild, 2) a member of the wider family, and 3) not "her" child anymore once they have been adopted out. Choosing to put a child up for adoption against the wishes of family members who are decent, non-abusive parents, actively preventing them from adopting the child so they could remain within the family, I have a hard time believing that that's not spiteful. As for my presumed spite, that's not the emotion in play, it is hurt and a feeling of complete betrayal. She would have done to my grandchild what my father attempted to do to me, the only way we could continue a relationship from there is if we managed to correct the mistake.

Her rights as the mother of that child supersede your rights as a grandparent in every way. If my child chose not to have to live her life seeing her child raised within in the family and chose to place the child elsewhere, then she is not seeing that choice as a mistake, and the choice is HERS to make.

 

[cabanafrau]

Biased. But we already knew that. If you were the boys parents your tune may be different.

Instead, caution your daughters about having unprotected sex at 15, 16, 17, ...

You already knew that? I do not understand what you mean. Because I mentioned my daughters and not my sons are you sure I don't have any?


Thank you for your parenting recommendation. I guess maybe you already knew I neglect that aspect of parenting?

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Her rights as the mother of that child supersede your rights as a grandparent in every way. If my child chose not to have to live her life seeing her child raised within in the family and chose to place the child elsewhere, then she is not seeing that choice as a mistake, and the choice is HERS to make.

I agree with this also, but here is a question...

Does it matter that the mother is a minor? Should the grandparent THEN have a say?

(I don't have an opinion on this, I am just curious what people will say)

 

[Ceila]

Why all the underage dad bashing on this thread? The 15 year old girl is underage, too. Why does she get the loving family support and he gets hunted down? Do you consider him a sexual predator because he had sex with an underage girl?

I'm assuming, of course, that a 15 year old girl is pregnant by a 15 year old boy. If the dad to be is in his 20s or 30s of course I would feel differently.

Thank you for being the first to say this! I am disgusted by those who would offer love and support to their daughter while offering the baby's father nothing more than a head start. In most cases , pregnancy is the result of TWO people making a decision to have sex. Why is only the boy villified? Having both a daughter and a son, I can see both sides of this. Neither my husband nor I would "go after" the other boy or girl. (Obviously I am not talking about rape, etc.)

 

[okeydokey]

I agree with this also, but here is a question...

Does it matter that the mother is a minor? Should the grandparent THEN have a say?

(I don't have an opinion on this, I am just curious what people will say)

No it doesn't matter. It is always the mothers child first. I don't think any judge in the land would force a 15 or 16 year old mother to relinquish her baby to a grandparent if the girl wanted to place with an outside family instead.

I can't Imagine any grandparent forcing the issue to that point.

 

[momto2girls]

Her rights as the mother of that child supersede your rights as a grandparent in every way. If my child chose not to have to live her life seeing her child raised within in the family and chose to place the child elsewhere, then she is not seeing that choice as a mistake, and the choice is HERS to make.

I agree!

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

No it doesn't matter. It is always the mothers child first. I don't think any judge in the land would force a 15 or 16 year old mother to relinquish her baby to a grandparent if the girl wanted to place with an outside family instead.
I can't Imagine any grandparent forcing the issue to that point.

I could see this happening though. (I don't agree with it)

But I'm sure when it does the media will be all over it.

 

[JessicaR]

You already knew that? I do not understand what you mean. Because I mentioned my daughters and not my sons are you sure I don't have any?


Thank you for your parenting recommendation. I guess maybe you already knew I neglect that aspect of parenting?

You are reading into what I said based on what you said.

Maybe you could re-read what you said.

I understand what you're saying and it should be correct, however from the teen parent situations I've seen over the years, I would caution my daughters to think long and hard about the father and his parents before they become legally affiliated with the baby. Based on the situations I've seen, none have resulted in fathers stepping up and growing into their parental role in any way, shape or form. In several of the cases the parental grandparents have interjected themselves into the situation in very inappropriate ways and condone and support the father's immature choices.

This is not to say the girl's and their parents always act like paragons, but from what I've seen if anybody steps up for the babies it's the mom and/or her parents. Like I said, if it were my girls, if they had concerns about the father or his parents, I'd tell them to take a pass on the few bucks in child support to allow their child to have a better shot at stability.

NOT one father has stepped up? OK that isn't biased at all. You are cautioning your daughters, why? Because the boys and their families do not step up ever. You said NONE.

 

[alex9179]

I don't know about all states but in Tx, if the custody of the child is already an open case in the courts, the grandparents (both maternal and paternal) can petition for visitation rights (custody/conservatorship).

I believe that a minor has the same parental rights as anyone of age. Interesting question...I'll have to look that up.


Edit: Yep, the pregnant minor is still her parents' responsibility, but that doesn't extend to making choices for her regarding her child. The court would respect her rights unless there is a reason to question her care of the baby.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I don't know about all states but in Tx, if the custody of the child is already an open case in the courts, the grandparents (both maternal and paternal) can petition for visitation rights (custody/conservatorship).

I believe that a minor has the same parental rights as anyone of age. Interesting question...I'll have to look that up.

I thought I knew something about this as well.

My neighbor back in TX is a foster parent. They were in the process of adopting two different babies and the grandparents came out of the woodwork and she lost them. (One she had since he was nine days old and they took him back at almost two)

***She has since found her forever child.