What would you do if...

[alex9179]

I thought I knew something about this as well.

My neighbor back in TX is a foster parent. They were in the process of adopting two different babies and the grandparents came out of the woodwork and she lost them. (One she had since he was nine days old and they took him back at almost two)

***She has since found her forever child.

I'm so happy for them! Dealing with CPS, and the State in general, is never straight forward!

 

[Geodesic]

Your 15 year old daughter told you she was pregnant and she wants to keep the baby? After the shock passes what would you say or do? How do you think you would handle it?

I don't know how I'd handle it in reality, but ideally, I'd like to stay calm and get honest with myself about what I'd willing and able to do for DD and the baby, so I could then tell DD what assistance I could/would offer so she could make an informed decision whether to keep the child. I'd also ask DD to re-evaluate her education and career plans because I'd want to make sure she had both realistic expectations and a plan to become financially solvent. Basically, I'd want to make sure that DD was being realistic about the impact that keeping a child would have on her life, and come up with plan to help her finish her education and find a get a good paying job ASAP.

 

[AntePrincess]

I bolded "giving it away is unacceptable". I think the term "give it away" rubs me the wrong way. You give away clothes, dishes, etc. It doesn't remotely describe the process of choosing adoption.

Oh, all right, I didn't understand that you were emphasizing "giving it away." I can see your point.

As far as cutting your child out of your life for choosing it, I guess she'd be better off Your support is available as long as she does what you want her to do? I have to believe that it's just a knee-jerk reaction and not something you'd see through.

I've yet to meet anyone who gave absolutely unconditional support to their child even when they do hurtful or self-destructive things. For better or worse, the trend goes the other way with most parents cutting off support for far less, such as those who abandon their 15yo daughters for getting pregnant at all. I can't fathom that myself.

I am human, warts and all, and forcing adoption on the wider family when the family could raise that child just fine crosses a line I can't go over.

I understand sacrifices...But think of how hard it could be on the adoptee as well.

I'm not saying either way(family of random adoption) is worse than the other... Just that maybe family adoptions aren't always the best choice.

I am thinking how hard it could be on an adoptee, from several perspectives. I was put through several failed adoptions as a child, including family ones, and ended up with my birthparents (for lack of a better word). I have also read a great deal of other adoptee's perspectives and believe family adoption IS erring on the side of caution (when possible, when the family is sane and otherwise healthy), even though every individual case is obviously different. I am speaking only of cases where the extended family wants to keep the child and has the means and ability to.

Her rights as the mother of that child supersede your rights as a grandparent in every way. If my child chose not to have to live her life seeing her child raised within in the family and chose to place the child elsewhere, then she is not seeing that choice as a mistake, and the choice is HERS to make.

Yes, depending on the state, the hypothetical 15yo does have that right, but she does not have any right to make any decision without criticism or the opinions of others. As far as I can tell, no one anywhere has that right for any decision. I fully acknowledge she wouldn't see herself as making a mistake, but that wasn't what was at issue anyway.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

Yes, you are but you have no say.

BUT really do I have a say over my daughter. I can't force her into adoption or abortion. I may have more of an influence but I can't force her into anything.

 

[JessicaR]

BUT really do I have a say over my daughter. I can't force her into adoption or abortion. I may have more of an influence but I can't force her into anything.

I don't know. Some parents have a say over their daughter. At 15, 16 I know quite a few parents that have had a say, sadly enough. The daughters don't seem to realize THEY have a say.

 

[leebee]

i'd do my best to persuade a 15 year old to have an abortion.

If she insisted on keeping the baby, i would then support that decision. She would be welcome to live with me until she was able to establish herself independently as an educated self-supporting single mother. I would support her financially until that time came.

We would work out child care based on her educational needs and my willingness to be tied down with child care at this stage of my life. Her education would come first, though. The more i could do to help her achieve her high school and college education as quickly as possible, the better.

I would also accelerate the process by which i taught her some real life skills - helping her learn to budget, choose a job with the benefits she would need to support a family, etc. She would have a far shorter learning curve than someone her age who graduated from college, took an entry level job and learned to eat ramen noodles before payday. Her priorities would be far different so i would try to work with her to make sure she knew what other responsibilities she would have as a mother.

I would always love her and any children she might have.

ita.

 

[aprilgail2]

Although, I understand where you are coming from, this statement misses the target in a big way. People who choose adoption are making the ultimate unselfish decision for their child. It's a dreadfully painful process and it's not done lightly in most cases. Those who choose this deserve respect, because a lot of people aren't strong enough to do this for their kids when they aren't equipped to care for them.

)

Thats all well and good and I was adopted and I wouldn't do that to a child if I had a choice- I had a great family that adopted me but the years and years of pain knowing that someone that was my own flesh and blood did not want me really sucked.

Yes, this is how I would handle it too. No grandchild of mine would be given away.

I agree 100%. Flesh and blood stays with us.

What if your child wanted to place the baby for adoption? I would support this decision.

I'm not sure how much babysitting I could do so she could continue her education. I have a full time job I need to keep.

I would not support that at all- I would rather keep the child that is my own flesh and blood myself than put it up for adoption.

 

[okeydokey]

Oh, all right, I didn't understand that you were emphasizing "giving it away." I can see your point.



I've yet to meet anyone who gave absolutely unconditional support to their child even when they do hurtful or self-destructive things. For better or worse, the trend goes the other way with most parents cutting off support for far less, such as those who abandon their 15yo daughters for getting pregnant at all. I can't fathom that myself.

I am human, warts and all, and forcing adoption on the wider family when the family could raise that child just fine crosses a line I can't go over.



I am thinking how hard it could be on an adoptee, from several perspectives. I was put through several failed adoptions as a child, including family ones, and ended up with my birthparents (for lack of a better word). I have also read a great deal of other adoptee's perspectives and believe family adoption IS erring on the side of caution (when possible, when the family is sane and otherwise healthy), even though every individual case is obviously different. I am speaking only of cases where the extended family wants to keep the child and has the means and ability to.



Yes, depending on the state, the hypothetical 15yo does have that right, but she does not have any right to make any decision without criticism or the opinions of others. As far as I can tell, no one anywhere has that right for any decision. I fully acknowledge she wouldn't see herself as making a mistake, but that wasn't what was at issue anyway.

But you would cut off your daughter for doing what she felt was right for her and putting the baby up for adoption. Even if she believes that doing so is not hurtful and self destructive, but brave and generous. I cant believe any mother would throw away her child because of that. It boggles my mind.

 

[Andtototoo]

Thats all well and good and I was adopted and I wouldn't do that to a child if I had a choice- I had a great family that adopted me but the years and years of pain knowing that someone that was my own flesh and blood did not want me really sucked.
.

Have you sought counseling for the pain you feel?

 

[mhsjax]

I would think his parents would be responsible for there child.

I agree. I have a DD and 2 DSs. I would 100% support my DD in keeping the baby and I 100% would want my DS to keep up on his end of the support, and I would help, after a paternity test. I have seen way to many girls try and trap a certain boy with another boys baby.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

I don't know. Some parents have a say over their daughter. At 15, 16 I know quite a few parents that have had a say, sadly enough. The daughters don't seem to realize THEY have a say.

I know my mom was on of these teen moms. My grandmother gave her two options 1. Give me up for adoption or 2. Keep me and marry my dad when she graduated. SHe picked #2 and I think she regretted it She left us when I was about 10 and never really have much of a relationship with her now and she has never met her Grandkids.

 

[Feckless]

I'm surprised at the number of posters that have said a teenage father has no rights. That is certainly not the case where I live! Both parents have an equal right to parent a child under the law.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

Thats all well and good and I was adopted and I wouldn't do that to a child if I had a choice- I had a great family that adopted me but the years and years of pain knowing that someone that was my own flesh and blood did not want me really sucked.

.

I don't know how old you are but there was lot of pressure with unwed mothers to give up their babies. I don't think that you were unwanted but I am sure your birth mother wanted something better for you.

I am the opposite I told my dad he should of gave me up. My parents were not ready to be parents and they never changed from day one of having me. They never grew up!!! I have no relationship with my mom and my dad is something else. My kids don't know what it is like to have Grandparents into them. Despite my parents I did and I am sad my kids will not. I thin I am at my babbling point now sorry it is late but I am almost 40 and still wish I had a family that was there for me.

 

[aprilgail2]

Have you sought counseling for the pain you feel?

Nope no need to- found my birth mom and all my half siblings too! Once that happened I could move on past it!

 

[Ed J]

I'm surprised at the number of posters that have said a teenage father has no rights. That is certainly not the case where I live! Both parents have an equal right to parent a child under the law.

It's only the fathers who remove their ball caps when inside who have rights.

 

[POPCITY]

I think that keeping a child, solely because it is "flesh and blood", and denying it the chance to have a life with a loving family who desperately want a child, can be incredibly selfish. My mother got pregnant with me when she was 18. She planned on giving me up for adoption, but her parents talked her out of it, because I was their grandchild. I understand that, and I love my grandparents dearly. My mom and I lived with them until I was four. Then she met someone, got married, and had my brother and sister. Stepdad was abusive, in every way, but aside from that, there was always the feeling that I was the oddball of the family, not my stepdads real child, just always on the outside. My grandparents, as I said, are wonderful people, and did everything they could, but I didn't live with them. When I wasn't with them, it was a painful, lonely childhood. I've wondered now and then how my life would have been different if the adoption had gone through.

 

[luvsJack]

What would I do? Its terrifying to think about!

But, I THINK (because like someone said, we don't really know until we are actually there) after taking some time to calm down, I would talk to her about every option and makes sure she understands her options and that it is her choice.

I would also call up the boy's family and we would meet to discuss this because after all, I think the boy has a right to be a part of the decision. Of course, it would be very much understood that if he wants to be part of the decision that he also has to be a part of the results of that decision.

I would NOT allow them to marry or live together, but I would expect him and his family to take responsibility for the baby, if the final decision is to keep the child.

I would then help and support my daughter as much as possible for her to finish school and to go to college so that she can give a good life to her child.

I would never, ever even remotely suggest that we would kick her out. Nor would I ever make her feel as if her life is over. Of course she would have to understand that it had changed.

 

[AntePrincess]

Thats all well and good and I was adopted and I wouldn't do that to a child if I had a choice- I had a great family that adopted me but the years and years of pain knowing that someone that was my own flesh and blood did not want me really sucked. .... I would not support that at all- I would rather keep the child that is my own flesh and blood myself than put it up for adoption.

I hear you, that's my take, when the family is able and safe.

I think that keeping a child, solely because it is "flesh and blood", and denying it the chance to have a life with a loving family who desperately want a child, can be incredibly selfish. My mother got pregnant with me when she was 18. She planned on giving me up for adoption, but her parents talked her out of it, because I was their grandchild. I understand that, and I love my grandparents dearly. My mom and I lived with them until I was four. Then she met someone, got married, and had my brother and sister. Stepdad was abusive, in every way, but aside from that, there was always the feeling that I was the oddball of the family, not my stepdads real child, just always on the outside. My grandparents, as I said, are wonderful people, and did everything they could, but I didn't live with them. When I wasn't with them, it was a painful, lonely childhood. I've wondered now and then how my life would have been different if the adoption had gone through.

I understand where you're coming from, your and my situations sound awfully similar, but the very fact that we have been through something so similar and come out on different sides of his fence indicates that there's multiple valid ways to react to the situation. I have encountered many more people like the PP and have come to believe that her take is the more common take, hence why I'd err on the side of a healthy family adoption than a stranger adoption. (In both yours and my case, it sounds like our "choice" was between some stranger adoption and an unhealthy stay home option. If I had a choice, I'd prefer where I ended up because the alternative, due to my father's waffling, would have been foster care.)

But you would cut off your daughter for doing what she felt was right for her and putting the baby up for adoption. Even if she believes that doing so is not hurtful and self destructive, but brave and generous. I cant believe any mother would throw away her child because of that. It boggles my mind.

Okeydokey, perhaps that's because you seem to be reading more into what I said than I meant.

- I would not cut my children off. That, to me, implies that I cease providing for them and supporting them financially. I wouldn't do that.
- I would not alter my relationship out of "spite." The relationship is altered by the scenario in question (my 15yo gets pregnant and makes sure the child is adopted out of the family), that scenario would hurt me extremely deeply and I would be very preoccupied with my own hurt. I would lose all trust and faith in the daughter, I would think of it as a betrayal and a vote of no confidence in both my mothering and our whole family. My avoidance would be out of hurt, shame (of myself, because I was that child at one point and I have failed as a grandmother and mother by the time this comes up), disappointment... I'm sure I could go on. I would be wounded, unable to look after her feelings at that point, and frankly uninterested.
- "Throw away her child?" In the context of this conversation, that's ridiculous.

I can say with certainty that there is nothing else I know of that would prompt me to totally withdraw from my child.

 

[StephMK]

I know two girls from my HS who had kids and kept them. ONe at 16 & one at 18. Both had lots of help from family and were able to continue their educations. I know the one at 18 was controlled by her parents, I'm not totally sure she would have chosen to keep the child.

If it were my DD, I would do everything in my power to help raise my g-child & make sure DD continued her education. We would have a talk about her current choice of major and pick something conducive to being a working mom down the road.

If she chose adoption, I would have mixed emotions but support her choice. I agree that it is a very strong, unselfish choice.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

I have a 14 year old daughter. She knows a girl who is also 14 who is going to have a baby this summer - before she goes to high school. The father is 19(!) and in my mind ought to be in jail. But he's not. Mom didn't do a good job raising the daughter and now the kid is having a baby. Would that baby be better off being adopted? Oh yes! But that won't happen. It just doesn't happen here. Girls don't seem to use birth control here and they don't terminate pregnancies. They have babies at really young ages and they keep them. They live off assistance and behave as if that's perfectly okay. Girls whose bodies and minds aren't finished growing are growing babies in their bellies.

If my daughter (who is adopted via family adoption) I would be shocked because we have a pretty open relationship. I think she'd arrange for birth control if she decided she was ready for sex. But, if indeed, she did become pregnant before she was old enough to raise a child I would strongly recommend that she terminate the pregnancy or place the baby up for adoption. I believe it would be best for the baby and for my daughter. If she chose to keep the baby she would have to understand she's responsible 24/7 for another human being. That's a huge responsibility.

I know adoption can be hard on everyone involved - the child who might feel abandoned, the birth parents who regret not knowing a biological child and the adoptive parents who may feel they could be replaced in the affection of the child they've loved and raised. But, adoption is better than a child trying to raise a child and more than likely not doing a great job for either herself or her child.