What was the meanest thing a family member ever said or did to you?

[denisenh]

MeanLaureen, I have been there. I feel bad for you.
I took care of my grandmother all by myself. Even though my 3 sisters and my parents live within 2 miles of me, no one would help me or her when times were tough. Her only child (my ex-father) wanted nothing to do with her. I did it all, with love.

I did a good job handling everything until I just couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't get herself to the bathroom and she had fallen 3 times within a month, no injury thank heavens.
The first time she had fallen, I was out driving my youngest DD to preschool, when I came home and brought nanas breakfast to her, I saw towels thrown out of the bathroom, like an SOS. We both had a good laugh about it, but it was horrible too.
She spent the last weeks of her life in a "nursing home". The decision to place her was made after a hospital stay and it killed me, but it was the responsible thing to do. I knew that I had given everything I had to give.
I would say that the meanest thing that a family member has done to me was related to that situation.
When my grandmother passed away, April 8, 2001, and it was time to deal with her estate (money), I was told by my family that nana hated me, didn't want to live with me, that I was a horrible person, etc., etc. I know it isn't true, but boy, did it ever hurt. I have never cried so hard and so long in my life....months. You would never have met someone who loved her parents and sisters like I did. I was always there for them, the first one called when help was needed and I always helped, which I don't regret. I loved them all so much.
I am feeling better, but have been disowned.
(My ex-father was the executor of my grandmothers estate and was also disinherited in her Will. I think that was a huge source of anger for him.)

 

[danacara]

My parents divorced when I was six, but my father had a total breakdown a few years later. We never spent much time with him before or after, but the loss of child support was a major hit, we lived hand to mouth for years. To him, I was always "the smart one" and my younger sister was always "the pretty one." When I got into his alma mater but couldn't attend it due to the fact that um, Dad, there is no money here because you are so far in arrears, I have to go to the cheapest place I can for the sake of my siblings - he was so angry, he FILED SUIT to dispute my paternity. He also provided the court with a list of men he theorized "could be" my father, pretty funny given that the legal reason for my parents' divorce was his own adultury, and he later married the woman he'd been carrying on with.

The whole thing was thrown out of court in fifteen minutes. The last ten were the judge, from the bench, just tearing into him. "This is a daughter that any man would be proud of," "what she has accomplished given the obstacles is so impressive," "this case is an insult," he went on and on and I don't think my father even fully understood until that point just how crazy he'd become. I have the transcript and it's great for my self esteem, I flip through it from time to time.

All's well that ends well, I say.

 

[mickeyboat]

My FIL came to my work and blasted me at the receptionist desk that I was a bad mother and a bad wife to his son. He ranted about how I was not showing enough interest or working hard enough on our house, how we yelled at the kids all the time, how I don't get dinner on the table early enough and that DD4 does not like pizza. I can't even remember all the rest.

After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I told him that I was not going to discuss this with him right now and that he needed to leave.

Lauri - Your SIL was wrong to confront you in that manner in an email. I agree with what everyone else has told you. Your SIL does not understand your disease and how debilitating it is for you. You need to get her some information. You also need to remind her of the years you spent taking care of your mother.

On the other hand, it is terribly difficult to care for elderly parents. I can empathize with some of your SIL's frustration, especially if she is your mother's primary care-giver.

You all need sit down and come to some compromise. I don't think moving your mother around every other week is a good solution. Would it be possible for your other brother to go to her new home every once in a while to give your SIL a break? Is there an "adult day care" program in their area where your mother could go every once in a while. You could offer to pay for that.

Good luck reolving your situation.

Denae

 

[eeyore25]

I have a few....My sister found religion after her second child was born about 8 years ago. My parents and I went to visit her while I was on spring break. I was told that I was going to helll because I slept in the same bed as (at that time) my bf. He is now my husband. Although nothing ever happened, we just slept in the same bed. I was also going to hell because I wore sunglasses and pink finger nail polish. My sister is a little different. I guess her comments were not that bad. She does get out of hand. Since she has found religion, I have everything from how evil I am and how I will never be accepted into heaven. I don't think that I have done too many bad things.....I dunno

Back about 4 years ago, I was about 10-15 pounds overweight. My DH and his brother got into an argument at my BIL place. My DH and I were on our way out of the house when he brother yelled "get your fat cow wife off my property and get the he** out of here" That really hurt.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

I don't know if this is the meanest, but it is the one that hurts the most. Most of my high school and college life I was overweight. I REALLY ballooned up in college. Near the end of college I began losing weight through diet modification and excercise. One time when I was home after I had lost all my excess weight, my mom goes to me, "Oh look at my beautiful daughter." I guess I wasn't beautiful before. I don't think she meant it as I heard it, but it still upset me.

A more recent mean thing said about me (wasn't said to me) was my MIL right before Hurricane Jeanne when DH and I were trying to figure out what we were going to do (was he going to be working, were we going to stay at the house, were we going to evacuate to another place, etc.), she told him that she doesn't know what my problem is, that I stick to him like glue. I guess she was upset because she put herself in the position of whatever we were doing she would be doing because she lives in a manufactured home, and she had not made any plans of her own. Excuse me for wanting to be with my husband during a potential natural disaster.

 

[Virgo10]

Mine pales in comparison to some of these. This happened when I had my thyroid removed. At the time the doctors thought I had cancer. After the surgery, I had some sort of a heart event and ended up in ICU for 3 days while they monitored me for a heart attack. I was in the hospital for 6 days and during that time only my DH came to visit me as far as family. Not my mother, not my brother and not my daughter. I will credit my brother with the fact that at least he apologized later on but I will never forgive my kids. My son wasn't in the state at the time but he never called or sent a card.

My mother is gone now but I told her what she did was unforgivable. She never said I'm sorry and I never did forgive her. Even after my kids ignoring the whole thing, there is no way I would ever not visit my child if they were in the hospital.

Needless to say, that event totally changed how I view my "family".

Roberta

 

[mtblujeans]

WOW! My SIL is really bad but YOUR SIL is alot worse!! I cannot top what she has done to you! What a self-centered witch ~ and I don't mean the cute Halloween type!! I would like to know what you are going to do, although I realize it is none of my business.

Some of these posts are not necessarily the worst thing that anyone has ever said to us, but the thing that was the last straw. These people who purposefully hurt us with the terrible things they say and do are supposed to be the nurturers, the protectors, the ones who mean the very most to us! Not only do the words hurt, but the intent aims straight at the heart!!

 

[tc]

My parents divorced when I was ten after my father confessed to having an affair with his 1st cousin (ewww!) whom he later married. After about two years, my mother married the 1st cousin's ex-husband, kind of a wife-swap thing. Really weird. Anyway, my step siblings would come see us, and then we'd all go see my father and their mom. My step dad's kids were my dad's step kids. Have I completely confused you? Visiting went on for a couple of years, then my father decided that his step kids would come to our house, but we would not go to his house. Then they even stopped coming to our house. He never contacted us at all through my jr and sr high years.

Before the divorce, I was my Daddy's favorite. He called my Dutch and we went everywhere together. After the divorce, we had little or no contact. His wife never liked me (that could have something to do with me dropping cats in her lap when she wasn't looking, and she's really afraid of cats, but I was 5 at the time, and don't think you should hold a child accountable for those actions). I wrote him letters, sent him a graduation announcement and a wedding invitation. Then, when my first baby was born, I called him. I was excited and wanted to share this event with those I loved. I was in the hospital about a week due to a fever I could not get rid of. When I got home I had a letter from my father. I remember one sentence clearly, "What brazen audacity to call and tell be about your baby, when you've ignored me during the other important times in your life!" The letter was full of hateful sentences and basically said what a horrible daughter I was. I was shocked and devasted and I didn't understand why he was saying that. I assume my step mom didn't show him the letters, announcement or invitation.

Needless to say, I do not speak to my father, and my girls don't know him. They consider my step dad to be their papa, as I consider him my dad. There comes a time when you have to decide when no contact is better than toxic contact.

 

[Laurabearz]

When My step mom died, it was a Thursday.... not any Thursday, it was the Thursday before my Art Fair (first weekend in June Hyde Park for you Chicago DISers)....

My dad and I had cared for her 24 hours a day/7 days a week, for the past 7 months. I learned to change sheets from under her, wiped her, fed her, cried with her, I even learned to adjust and remove a cathider...... All while I was going to school.

My cousin came to add comfort the Monday after the art fair (4 days after Margaret had passed...) She entered my room and commented on how messy it was....

I lost it.

 

[Mskanga]

Where should I start? I got a whole bunch of them but the ones that stick out the most are when FIL told my dh that my oldest dd wasn't his because she didn't look anything like him. Then another one that we were trying to buy some property with them and said both my inlaws would own 51% of the property and dh and I would own 49%. When dh asked why , FIL said because I wasn't a real ( insert lastname here ) and then I asked if his wife was born with that lastname? he said no, dh got out of the deal.
Then after he died ( MIL passed four months before him ) all brothers and sisters were taking care of business in one room. Apparently there was an inheritance money to be split between brothers and sisters and there was an express letter from FIL stating that no significant others were to know about that money, because they were not family. Guess who the only legal significant other was? ME. All the other ones were boyfriends. They made DH promise he would not tell me about that money, and that same night I stayed with all the kids while they all went out shopping for new kitchen and bathroom windows and fixtures, and I thought they were taking care of funeral arrangements. Of course dh did not follow their wishes, he told me, he was furious at what they did.
Since then I have not seen them, I have heard of them but I have ignored them. As far as I am concerned they all died, and we are better off like that.

I guess I was family when they needed to be taken care of, doctor's appointments, or go to get FIL from his son's home 3 hours away because he had been kicked out a month after heart surgery, or when we went on vacation and took them with us, I was family then, but not for all the rest of the stuff.

 

[mrsltg]

My mother was extremely emotionally abusive when I was growing up. She still tries her old tricks (I'm 29), but I generally cut her off at the pass now. However, by far the meanest thing that has ever been said to me, the thing that I'll remember until the day I die is,


"You're the biggest mistake of my life. I wish you were never born."

And here's the kicker, she said it because she wanted to make me cry. I was too happy. It was the day before I began high school, I was just about 14, and I was really excited. She was in a mood and decided that the way to make herself feel better was to make me feel awful. I'll never forget the sinking feeling when she told me that. It still astounds me to this day. I look at my own daughter and I cannot ever, EVER imagine saying something so venomous to her.

Unfortunately I could list about 50 more things that would make your hair curl. But haha, I won! I am happy, successful, and I have share my life with the most wonderful man in the world and together we have made 2 beautiful children and have another on the way. Happiness really is the best revenge!!!


Lauri-

I am sorry for your disease as well as your beast of a sister-in-law. What a joy! Families really are special, aren't they?

Erin

 

[caitycaity]

wow, lauri, i don't have anything that compares to your story!

my mil has said some nasty stuff, but i don't really consider the inlaws family so i try to just let that kind of thing roll off my back. i know it can be hard.

 

[Crankyshank]

mrsltg, I guess we had the same mother

It's so astounding when family members say such hurtful things. It's even more so when it comes from a parent. I'm glad you too were able to "win"

 

[Keli]

What has surprised me most is the variety of what people think of as "the meanest thing a family member ever said or did to you" Some of the things people list are so incredibly outrageous and then others seem like things you could say or do on a day when you are just really, really frustrated and not being careful of others' feelings. It makes me think and evaluate the things I say and do towards people. I never want to be the person that said or did the meanest thing another individual remembers. And especially when the day comes that I am a mother in law. I will gard my words because I don't want to tear apart my family from careless words or actions.

As for myself, I can't think of too many things that people have said or done to me that were really mean. My dh and I both have pretty nice families so we have been blessed with very few conflicts with any of them. Hopefully that's a trend that will continue, lol.

 

[KarenC]

Nothing nearly as mean as what you wrote. I was raised Catholic, was married in a Catholic church and both our children were baptized in the Catholic church. My mother-in-law is a Southern Baptist. She was a real estate agent in St. Louis. One time she was working with a customer and couldn't find a home for her. Seems every neighborhood had Catholics living in it. The woman couldn't stand to live near Catholics and she said she could understand where she was coming from because she didn't like to either, but what could she do because they have so many children and they are everywhere.

Wow...what a thing to say about your grandchildren!

 

[suzannen]

Lauri,
I'm so sorry your SIL is so NOT understanding and ugly about your condition.

This did not happen to me, but it haunts me to this day. My first cousin, Cindy, was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer at age 30. Her mother (my aunt) couldn't deal with "the illness." My other cousin (her older sister, Ann, age 34), willingly took Cindy into her home, nursed her, and looked after her two kids until she died 7 months later. When my cousin, Ann, called to tell my aunt that Cindy had died, my aunt's response was "well, it's too bad it HAD to happen to my GOOD child." This was 8 years ago and my cousin is, needless to say, still devastated by this remark and somewhat estranged from her mother now.

I am always shocked at how cruel some people can be, especially family members.

 

[Planogirl]

My mother is another one who was "difficult" and I haven't talked to her now for about 5 years. It's her choice; she moved away and didn't bother to say where she was going. It really confused DS.

Lauri, I feel so sad for you. I hope that you can get this worked out. Maybe, she doesn't understand what you're dealing with as others have said? I can't imagine what she's thinking.

 

[mtblujeans]

 

[marlasmom]

Laurie - I am so sorry - for your illness and for the additional grief SIL has dumped on you. I understand how hard it is to take care of an elderly sick relative, but maybe the time has come to look into some sort of assisted living or nursing home. Please do everything you are supposed to do to get well asap.

 

[snoopy]

Originally posted by mrsltg
My mother was extremely emotionally abusive when I was growing up. She still tries her old tricks (I'm 29), but I generally cut her off at the pass now. However, by far the meanest thing that has ever been said to me, the thing that I'll remember until the day I die is,


"You're the biggest mistake of my life. I wish you were never born."

And here's the kicker, she said it because she wanted to make me cry. I was too happy. It was the day before I began high school, I was just about 14, and I was really excited. She was in a mood and decided that the way to make herself feel better was to make me feel awful. I'll never forget the sinking feeling when she told me that. It still astounds me to this day. I look at my own daughter and I cannot ever, EVER imagine saying something so venomous to her.

I am so sorry. That is the saddest thing I have ever read on these boards, I think. I am so glad you were able to overcome this sort of abuse, you must be an amazingly resiliant person. to you.