What should I say to my neighbor about her kids?

[TheLittleRoo]

Once again, thanks to all who've shared your ideas! I think my situation comes down between bullying and annoyance (mine). It is a form of "social Darwinism" - - that's exactly how the boy is taking advantage of the situation.

When DD7 got home from school today, I asked her to tell me the truth about something I wanted to ask her. I sat with her and asked her to tell me how she feels in the morning when these two kids ride with her to school, and does it bother her when they tease her. Her non-verbal answer came first; she looked down at her feet, and then her quiet little "yes". More answers came next, "it makes me feel bad in my tummy when (boy's name) bosses me around or calls me a slow poke". And then, "(girl's name) isn't so bad but sometimes she laughs when he says stuff. So, yes, DD is noticing and it does matter to her.

That's all it takes for me! I told her in the morning, I am going to explain the new rules for the rest of the year and not to feel bad like I'm saying it to her. It's going to be nice, friendly chatter in the AM, or plain silence in the car and there will be specific days for who gets the window seat in the back. (FYI, the 10 y/o girl sits up front, and there's a big honkin' car seat on one window side of the middle row in my SUV so someone gets squished between the car seat and the other kid) I also told DD7 she needs to stick up for herself too, in a big voice when something isn't right and that isn't the same as being bossy.

I'm also going to explain to the kids that if this doesn't stop the bickering and picking on each other, the next thing will be talking to their mom. Truthfully, I suspect they really wish their mom would drive them to school each morning, so they're sabotaging or at least acting out in my car. But that's her situation with them to unravel, not mine. Bottom line, this better be resolved quick or they're getting to school another way. I know their mom well enough to know she'll "pull a hard knot in their tailfeathers" (to quote aneeded. PP, hilarious!!) if she gets wind of how they're acting.

I'm happy that DD seems relieved and sorry I waited this long to ask her.

 

[Amy&Dan]

Good for you, I am glad you were able to talk to your dd. I definitely can see how this whole thing bothered you. Sure, kids will be kids, but in the end, you have a right to set the standard for yourself and your children. As I said in my earlier post, this sort of thing happened to me a couple of years ago and its amazing how annoying this sort of thing is day in and day out!

 

[Tinijocaro]

I would not address the mom yet. Let the kids know where they are to sit each and every time. You tell them where to sit. You tell them what type of behavior you will allow.
Remember, they are children, and they expect to be shown the rules.

I drive my DD and my neighbor's 2 kids to school every morning. I offered to drive her kids early in the year, and don't mind it as it's no extra work for me. She leaves for work around that same time and I am a SAHM, plus I do really like the mom. She is one of the nicest, best people around!
But. (there's always a but, right?) It seems like ever since Christmas, her kids have become increasingly surly in the morning and it's changing my and DD's moods in the drive to school. The younger one sits in the back with my DD and intimidates her into always sitting in the middle while he gets the window (and it's HER car!) Every morning, it's getting harder to listen to them either picking on her (in a kidding way, it's hard to call them out on it but I do when they cross the line) or just complaining and fighting between themselves.

So, I'm ready to talk to the mom (my friend) about addressing it with her kids, but I want to say this in the nicest possible way without sounding like I'm insulting her kids. This is something I don't get anything back for, btw - her kids come home via daycare van so she's not driving my DD from school. Like I said, I don't mind, I like her, I like being green with the carpooling, etc - - I just want to get to the bottom of why her kids have turned nasty and making them stop.

Any ideas? Especially from any Southern moms, who can say anything and make it sound like a compliment!

 

[mjkacmom]

Once again, thanks to all who've shared your ideas! I think my situation comes down between bullying and annoyance (mine). It is a form of "social Darwinism" - - that's exactly how the boy is taking advantage of the situation.

When DD7 got home from school today, I asked her to tell me the truth about something I wanted to ask her. I sat with her and asked her to tell me how she feels in the morning when these two kids ride with her to school, and does it bother her when they tease her. Her non-verbal answer came first; she looked down at her feet, and then her quiet little "yes". More answers came next, "it makes me feel bad in my tummy when (boy's name) bosses me around or calls me a slow poke". And then, "(girl's name) isn't so bad but sometimes she laughs when he says stuff. So, yes, DD is noticing and it does matter to her.

That's all it takes for me! I told her in the morning, I am going to explain the new rules for the rest of the year and not to feel bad like I'm saying it to her. It's going to be nice, friendly chatter in the AM, or plain silence in the car and there will be specific days for who gets the window seat in the back. (FYI, the 10 y/o girl sits up front, and there's a big honkin' car seat on one window side of the middle row in my SUV so someone gets squished between the car seat and the other kid) I also told DD7 she needs to stick up for herself too, in a big voice when something isn't right and that isn't the same as being bossy.

I'm also going to explain to the kids that if this doesn't stop the bickering and picking on each other, the next thing will be talking to their mom. Truthfully, I suspect they really wish their mom would drive them to school each morning, so they're sabotaging or at least acting out in my car. But that's her situation with them to unravel, not mine. Bottom line, this better be resolved quick or they're getting to school another way. I know their mom well enough to know she'll "pull a hard knot in their tailfeathers" (to quote aneeded. PP, hilarious!!) if she gets wind of how they're acting.

I'm happy that DD seems relieved and sorry I waited this long to ask her.

I think this is a great opportunity for your dd to learn to stand up for herself, with you right there to step in for her. If she's timid with these kids, she's probably timid with other children as well, which makes her an easy target for bullies. This might be a blessing in disquise!

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I'm always glad when parents talk to their kids

 

[OceanAnnie]

Once again, thanks to all who've shared your ideas! I think my situation comes down between bullying and annoyance (mine). It is a form of "social Darwinism" - - that's exactly how the boy is taking advantage of the situation.

When DD7 got home from school today, I asked her to tell me the truth about something I wanted to ask her. I sat with her and asked her to tell me how she feels in the morning when these two kids ride with her to school, and does it bother her when they tease her. Her non-verbal answer came first; she looked down at her feet, and then her quiet little "yes". More answers came next, "it makes me feel bad in my tummy when (boy's name) bosses me around or calls me a slow poke". And then, "(girl's name) isn't so bad but sometimes she laughs when he says stuff. So, yes, DD is noticing and it does matter to her.

That's all it takes for me! I told her in the morning, I am going to explain the new rules for the rest of the year and not to feel bad like I'm saying it to her. It's going to be nice, friendly chatter in the AM, or plain silence in the car and there will be specific days for who gets the window seat in the back. (FYI, the 10 y/o girl sits up front, and there's a big honkin' car seat on one window side of the middle row in my SUV so someone gets squished between the car seat and the other kid) I also told DD7 she needs to stick up for herself too, in a big voice when something isn't right and that isn't the same as being bossy.

I'm also going to explain to the kids that if this doesn't stop the bickering and picking on each other, the next thing will be talking to their mom. Truthfully, I suspect they really wish their mom would drive them to school each morning, so they're sabotaging or at least acting out in my car. But that's her situation with them to unravel, not mine. Bottom line, this better be resolved quick or they're getting to school another way. I know their mom well enough to know she'll "pull a hard knot in their tailfeathers" (to quote aneeded. PP, hilarious!!) if she gets wind of how they're acting.

I'm happy that DD seems relieved and sorry I waited this long to ask her.

Glad you got to the bottom of it. It sounds like you have a great plan. Good job!

 

[Sabeking]

OP I am glad you have talked to your DD and made that decision! Bickering, picking, harressing, bullying OR whatever people want to call it is disrespectful to you and your DD. I can't stand when people try to justify inappropriate behavior as OK just because they are kids! Is that how we teach them to be respectful adults? I heard that from parents when I taught school, OH they are just kids (Who become mean adults). That doesn't mean you lose your cool, which it sounds as though you haven't, you just tell them unemotionally "it isn't gonna happen."

I made the mistake of letting some kids act not so nice to my DD because I didn't want to tick the other parent off and then it DAWNED on me that I was putting my friendship with this parent ahead of my own child's feelings. Never again! Good Luck

 

[OceanAnnie]

How did it go today?

 

[Disney Doll]

Seriously -- your daughter is being bullied in her own car under her mother's supervision. Kids who are bullied retreat into themselves and try to pretend that it doesn't matter, hoping it will stop. With each post the description of what's going on in your car sounds more vicious (to me, anyway).

I would give them one chance -- "I am sick and tired of this garbage every morning -- you need an attitude adjustment and if you don't knock it off starting right now we're going to have a nice sit down chat with your mother." And don't move the car until people are in the seats YOU assigned them -- they have lost negotiation rights.

And as soon as the first one pipes up to complain, pull over, dial her number, and ask her to come over tonight for a quick meeting about the carpool situation, because the children are no longer getting along and you've tried to stay out of it but it's reaching serious nastiness levels now and you both need to sit everybody down and set some ground rules together.

This is how I'd handle it.

Children really never tell me what to do. Ever.

I also don't sugarcoat with kids...especially those who are old enough to know better, and these kids are. They screwing around because they have been allowed to. So it's good you've decided to stop allowing them to.

 

[TheLittleRoo]

Today was great! Last night, I told DD of the new rules and that we'd talk about it in the car in the morning, so she knew what to expect.

As soon as everyone was getting ready to get in, I told them we had new rules starting with seat assignments. It was my DD's turn to be in the window seat, which elicited howls from the boy. Then I launched into the next rule which is no whining, fighting or trash talk on the way to school or I'd be talking to their mom next. It's a short ride to school and there's no reason we can't talk about happy things or just be silent.

So I'm happy to report we had zero problems this morning, other than the brother and sister trying to start punking on each other. I think they were stunned to think I would intervene in their skirmish - but I told them I meant NO fighting between anyone. I think it will hold, but I had to laugh at DD's smug face in the rearview mirror when I laid down the law!!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Excellent! Thanks for the update.

 

[Miz Diz]

So glad this worked out!

 

[PrincessKitty1]

Today was great! Last night, I told DD of the new rules and that we'd talk about it in the car in the morning, so she knew what to expect.

As soon as everyone was getting ready to get in, I told them we had new rules starting with seat assignments. It was my DD's turn to be in the window seat, which elicited howls from the boy. Then I launched into the next rule which is no whining, fighting or trash talk on the way to school or I'd be talking to their mom next. It's a short ride to school and there's no reason we can't talk about happy things or just be silent.

So I'm happy to report we had zero problems this morning, other than the brother and sister trying to start punking on each other. I think they were stunned to think I would intervene in their skirmish - but I told them I meant NO fighting between anyone. I think it will hold, but I had to laugh at DD's smug face in the rearview mirror when I laid down the law!!

Awesome! You are modeling assertive behavior for your daughter, AND you are showing her that you care about her feelings and will put a stop to kids picking on her. This will give her the confidence and teach her methods to stick up for herself.

 

[breezy1077]

Awesome!

 

[muffyn]

Thanks for the ideas so far.My DD is not old enough to sit in the front, though I may allow it for the 6 residential blocks to the school driveway. .

I have a serious question.
I don't have kids to deal with in a car anymore, youngest is a 13 yr old grandson.
so they have laws or such that do not allow certain age kids to sit in the front?

I just am of that generation when they didn't have car seats OR seatbelts when my 1st was born. kids & toddlers were always crawling around in the front & back seats. my second child did have a car seat, but I know they were not that restrictive as nowadays with them having to be in the back seat or whatever facing backwards.

 

[laurie31]

I have a serious question.
I don't have kids to deal with in a car anymore, youngest is a 13 yr old grandson.
so they have laws or such that do not allow certain age kids to sit in the front?

I just am of that generation when they didn't have car seats OR seatbelts when my 1st was born. kids & toddlers were always crawling around in the front & back seats. my second child did have a car seat, but I know they were not that restrictive as nowadays with them having to be in the back seat or whatever facing backwards.

Next time you get in your car, look at the sun visor. My guess is there is a big red warning there, saying that serious injury or death can result if a child 12 or under rides up front. You've probably never noticed since you don't have kids that age to worry about.

Whether or not it's actually *illegal* depends on what state you're in, but it was (I believe - I could be wrong!) illegal in England even back in the 80's before air bags. It's just a really unsafe place to be in the car. Children don't belong there, even if your airbag is one that can be disabled, and if not - the airbag can cause very serious or even fatal injuries to a child.

In addition to brain injury, an airbag deploying can seriously injure the eyes.

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/491767_print

Airbag-related ocular trauma has been associated with a wide array of injuries in the pediatric population. The most common findings include periocular abrasion/edema/ecchymosis, corneal abrasion, corneal edema, and hyphema.[1,2] Our patient sustained a constellation of problems, including periocular edema, orbital floor fracture, corneal abrasion, hyphema, traumatic mydriasis, iris sphincter tears, lenticular opacity, vitreous hemorrhage, and choroidal ruptures.


Airbags are important safety features in modern motor vehicles and have reduced the risk of fatality for adult front-seat passengers. However, they are associated with a higher risk of fatality for pediatric front-seat passengers younger than 10 years.[8] This is due to the actively deploying airbag striking the child instead of the airbag making contact after being fully deployed as it is designed to do. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration warns that all children age 12 and under should ride in the back seat of vehicles.[9,10] As one example of the serious implications of airbag-associated ocular injury, this case highlights the importance of adhering to these safety recommendations.

 

[muffyn]

Next time you get in your car, look at the sun visor. My guess is there is a big red warning there, saying that serious injury or death can result if a child 12 or under rides up front. You've probably never noticed since you don't have kids that age to worry about.

Whether or not it's actually *illegal* depends on what state you're in, but it was (I believe - I could be wrong!) illegal in England even back in the 80's before air bags.

ok, thanks
I have never owned a car with an airbag in it , so probably thats why there isn't a sign in them.

 

[tonilea]

ETA: I should have read the entire thread before posting. It sounds like things have worked out well for you.

I don't know how well this would work for you..... but, before we had DS, we would often take some of the kids from church out with us for outings on Sunday afternoon. One day we had three little girls 10-12 ish. Two were sister and well... with girls three can just be a bad number.... anyway they started fighting. DH pulled the car over, turned around and said, "You are not my children. I can take you home." End of fight. lol

 

[Stacerita]

DH pulled the car over, turned around and said, "You are not my children. I can take you home." End of fight. lol

YOu can give that a try with your own kids too

 

[pahoben]

Clear solution. You need to recruit the older sister (can’t imagine it would be hard) and then you three girls start picking on the 7 year old boy. You could start making rules like boys always have to sit in the middle and girls by the windows.

This is the approach my daughters and wife use with me and it always works for them.