What made you stop talking to close family members? (be specific)

[FairestOfThemAll37]

i was just saying that i never could no matter what the situation.
i guess if someone does not have a very tight knit family like i do that forgives each other easily it can be hard to get over what someone has done to them.

I think this is a bit unfair. I have a very close knit family and luckily don't have these kinds of issues, but it is because of luck and not because I'm close with my family (or maybe we're close because we got lucky).

There's a difference between just getting over the hurt that comes with family as the closer you are the better you know the buttons and situations like have been discussed in this thread.

I've dealt with toxic people. I've been very very close with some and I think I would have had to make the same decision if they'd been family. Toxic people will take you down with them. It's not deciding to cut somebody off because your feelings are hurt. You do it because your emotional and physical well being are on the line.

 

[sunshinehighway]

i was just saying that i never could no matter what the situation.
i guess if someone does not have a very tight knit family like i do that forgives each other easily it can be hard to get over what someone has done to them.

My family was extremely close. Over the years we've all been there, helped each other and forgiven each other.
Sometimes things happen and there's just no going back.

 

[SEA333]

i was just saying that i never could no matter what the situation.
i guess if someone does not have a very tight knit family like i do that forgives each other easily it can be hard to get over what someone has done to them.

 

[lurkernj]

i was just saying that i never could no matter what the situation.
i guess if someone does not have a very tight knit family like i do that forgives each other easily it can be hard to get over what someone has done to them.

Have you had any situation similar to any of the above? If your family is tight knit and forgives each other easily, I'm guessing you haven't. Saying you never could, no matter what the situation seems very naive (and actually a little judgemental to those who have made this decision).

 

[kimblebee]

i was just saying that i never could no matter what the situation.
i guess if someone does not have a very tight knit family like i do that forgives each other easily it can be hard to get over what someone has done to them.

My family is very close and the person we cut out has no other family. We were her family and she did this to us. Why should she be forgiven for what she did? Good riddance..

 

[Chocolate Cake]

i was just saying that i never could no matter what the situation.
i guess if someone does not have a very tight knit family like i do that forgives each other easily it can be hard to get over what someone has done to them.

Could you get over someone hurting your child and refusing to change? Could you get over someone making constant sexual advances, even after you have told them no? Someone hitting you?

I hope my tone is not coming across as rude. That is not my intention. I am just curious if you have a breaking point?

We all have such different stories and breaking points.

 

[Jaya]

I still talk to everyone in my family but occasionally it's with clenched teeth - LOL.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

That was the permission I needed to just let it all go after 38 years of feeling like I was never going to be good enough to be an important part of her life. There hasn't been any communication past mass texts or emails since. I'm making my peace with it.

You really did try harder than I ever would. Especially after being told she really didn't want to be a mother. I would have hung it up then. But you gave it your all. You should be at peace.

My heart breaks reading all of these posts.

 

[disney world dreamer]

Have you had any situation similar to any of the above? If your family is tight knit and forgives each other easily, I'm guessing you haven't. Saying you never could, no matter what the situation seems very naive (and actually a little judgemental to those who have made this decision).

well everyone has different situations that cause stress/problems so no my family has not been in the exact same situations as others but that doesn't mean we have not had our share of problems but we do always work it out.
for example both of my sisters became single teen moms.
also my one sister did drugs.
my BIL stole money and prescription drugs from my parents
my dad's mom died when he was 13 and in an argument my mom brought it up because she knew it would hurt him.
my cousins didn't tell my dad that his favorite aunt passed away until it was too late for him to drive 12 hours for the funeral.
even with these types of situations we are still very tight knit and have gotten over the situations by leaning on each other not leaving each other.

i was just trying to voice my opinion like everyone else has been doing.

 

[HarleenQ]

i was just saying that i never could no matter what the situation.
i guess if someone does not have a very tight knit family like i do that forgives each other easily it can be hard to get over what someone has done to them.

Sometimes people use the 'we're family' and being close excuse to walk all over you, use you, and abuse you.

Our family was very close. We put up with things for years we never would have put up with if the person hadn't been family. Eventually, we stopped. They weren't changing, and they became detrimental to my family unit. That's the way it goes. It goes beyond fights and spats with family members.

 

[barkley]

i was just saying that i never could no matter what the situation.
i guess if someone does not have a very tight knit family like i do that forgives each other easily it can be hard to get over what someone has done to them.

for some of us we look to our 'nuclear family' (spouse/children) as our priority. no matter how tightly knitted I am with my extended family I could not and will not ever forgive or forget the direct threat I received that had I not gotten law enforcement involved and severed all ties with my family member would have left my children motherless, my husband widowed-and my sil a widow as well (death threat was made towards myself and my other sibling). it's not a matter of getting over what they have done-it's self preservation.

 

[Disneylover99]

well everyone has different situations that cause stress/problems so no my family has not been in the exact same situations as others but that doesn't mean we have not had our share of problems but we do always work it out.
for example both of my sisters became single teen moms.
also my one sister did drugs.
my BIL stole money and prescription drugs from my parents
my dad's mom died when he was 13 and in an argument my mom brought it up because she knew it would hurt him.
my cousins didn't tell my dad that his favorite aunt passed away until it was too late for him to drive 12 hours for the funeral.
even with these types of situations we are still very tight knit and have gotten over the situations by leaning on each other not leaving each other.

i was just trying to voice my opinion like everyone else has been doing.

I think what you describe are isolated incidents amongst family members that many families deal with from time to time.

But when you have toxic individuals in your life who cause chronic psychological stress? I can totally understand cutting those people out of your life.

 

[lurkernj]

well everyone has different situations that cause stress/problems so no my family has not been in the exact same situations as others but that doesn't mean we have not had our share of problems but we do always work it out.
for example both of my sisters became single teen moms.
also my one sister did drugs.
my BIL stole money and prescription drugs from my parents
my dad's mom died when he was 13 and in an argument my mom brought it up because she knew it would hurt him.
my cousins didn't tell my dad that his favorite aunt passed away until it was too late for him to drive 12 hours for the funeral.
even with these types of situations we are still very tight knit and have gotten over the situations by leaning on each other not leaving each other.

i was just trying to voice my opinion like everyone else has been doing.

I guess the issue is repetitious behavior. You seem to have a lot of people doing isolated things. What if the same person did all of those things and more and wasn't interested in changing, would you just get over it and let it continue, deal with it and forgive over and over? (not counting the teen moms, I couldn't imagine disowning someone over that) I'm not trying to be combative, just stating that at some point something needs to give.

 

[SEA333]

well everyone has different situations that cause stress/problems so no my family has not been in the exact same situations as others but that doesn't mean we have not had our share of problems but we do always work it out.
for example both of my sisters became single teen moms.
also my one sister did drugs.
my BIL stole money and prescription drugs from my parents
my dad's mom died when he was 13 and in an argument my mom brought it up because she knew it would hurt him.
my cousins didn't tell my dad that his favorite aunt passed away until it was too late for him to drive 12 hours for the funeral.
even with these types of situations we are still very tight knit and have gotten over the situations by leaning on each other not leaving each other.

i was just trying to voice my opinion like everyone else has been doing.

 

[disney world dreamer]

I like that you are asking these questions and stating your opinion.

Like I said before, my story went on for decades before I finally decided that in order for things to change, *I* would have to do something about it.

We have had various "tests" and "trials" in my family, and DH's family as well. Some are similar to what you have had.

I think, at least for me, that the biggest difference in the situations you describe, and I have had as well, is that they were one-time incidences that your family could analyze and move on from. Same in my family....my BIL punched his own brother (another BIL) so hard one time when they were drunk that the 2nd brother lost his sight in that eye.

They still love each other. It sucked at the time, but they worked it out and moved on.

What doesn't work is, someone who does the same thing over and over and over and never understands or realizes that it is not OK. Or, someone who doesn't want the same thing you do....my mother does not want to be a mother. I cannot make her be one. She wants to live her life of childless vacations and zero obligations other than to her husband. She's an emotional runner....she cannot handle problems, stress, or commit to loving someone and investing in family ties with them. AKA - selfish to the hilt. When you have someone in your life who doesn't want to make the investment in you that you want to make in them, you end up hurt over and over and over until you stop it.

I have mourned the loss of a relationship with my mother as if she died. As a child, I was the kid who always wanted to be near her, even as she pushed me away. I was the one who cried in the upstairs widow as she drove off and didn't return for over a year.

I will never be mean to her. I will never be rude. I have stopped investing emotionally in her because there is nothing there in return. I cannot lean on her instead of leaving her or I will fall over into empty space.

i do have a situation where someone does something over and over and over and still i would never cut ties with her.
my sister is always calling me or my parents wanting us to do something 5 minutes later when she's know about it for 5 days or 5 weeks or 5 months.
trust me it really irks me and we've had arguments about it but still we love each other so unconditionally that we would not cut ties.
its become more of a "well that's my sister" kind of thing.

 

[SEA333]

i do have a situation where someone does something over and over and over and still i would never cut ties with her.
my sister is always calling me or my parents wanting us to do something 5 minutes later when she's know about it for 5 days or 5 weeks or 5 months.
trust me it really irks me and we've had arguments about it but still we love each other so unconditionally that we would not cut ties.
its become more of a "well that's my sister" kind of thing.

I really don't know what to say to you if that is the only example you can give. Are you being serious??!!

I hope your family stays exactly how they are. They sound wonderful. You are very lucky.

 

[slo]

I honestly have no idea why my brother doesn't want anything to do with me or my family.

He started not coming to family gatherings at my house in 2013.
He avoided almost all of them in 2014.
Then for Christmas he emailed saying him and his wife weren't coming.
I emailed him back saying that if he ever wanted to discuss why he's completely avoiding anything to do with me and my family to set up a time and I'll meet him and we can discuss it.
He never took me up on that offer.
In March when my Dad died we said maybe 10 words to each other during the 2 days of the wake and funeral.
I have not talked to him since then.
His birthday is this month and I will send him an email wishing him happy birthday
He's moved, so I can't send a card.
I could ask my mom for the address, but in my opinion, if a 35 year old man can't give out his new address to his sister than that must mean he doesn't want her to have it.
I probably won't see him again until something happens to my mom

 

[DisneyCowgirl]

What doesn't work is, someone who does the same thing over and over and over and never understands or realizes that it is not OK.

Well-said. And I think that until you experience and recognize this in your own family, you might not be able to understand it and might think there could never be any reason to separate yourself from a family-member. I know I didn't.

 

[SirDuff]

i do have a situation where someone does something over and over and over and still i would never cut ties with her.
my sister is always calling me or my parents wanting us to do something 5 minutes later when she's know about it for 5 days or 5 weeks or 5 months.
trust me it really irks me and we've had arguments about it but still we love each other so unconditionally that we would not cut ties.
its become more of a "well that's my sister" kind of thing.

Sorry, but I really don't see the comparison between a sister who doesn't plan this and what many of the PP have described. I like you, have never cut a family member out of my life. However, I'm not going to tell those that have that the reason I haven't is because I'm better at loving unconditionally and forgiving than they are. No. I've been lucky enough not to have people in my family who act in a way that requires, for sanity, that I eliminate contact. Many in this thread have not been so lucky.

And, for the record, I have a family member just like your sister. That is something I role my eyes over. What others have described is totally different.

 

[mrsheppo]

My younger daughter and I have not been on speaking terms for about a year. She gave her first daughter up for adoption when she had her at age 19 (DH & I adopted the baby). 5 years ago, she was married and had another daughter and gave this one up for adoption too even though she and her husband were together. She and her husband decided they really didn't want kids. I am glad that the baby went to a family that wanted children instead of the baby being abused or worse. My daughter though let her MIL decide the baby's adoptive family so the MIL could have a relationship with the child as it was her only grandchild and is in the child's life to this day. I was upset that I have been denied the opportunity to even see the little girl. My daughter told me because I wasn't a Christian, the adoptive parents wanted nothing to do with me and I could have no contact. She constantly made snide remarks that if I was a Christian, I could have a relationship. At holidays and family gatherings, she always started fights or made rude remarks with her siblings over any little thing and ruined the occasion along with her storming out in a huff. Last year she got mad at me because the little girl we adopted did not send her a Mother's Day card. She blocked me from calling her, blocked me on FB, etc. I have made every effort to try and make peace with her but she is very stubborn and has been diagnosed as bi-polar and refuses help. One day, she may try to re-establish the relationship but in the meantime I think it must be her that makes the first move.