What made you stop talking to close family members? (be specific)

[gottaluvPluto]

It's sad, but at the same time I'm glad my family is not alone. We actually had to stop contact with my MIL because of the emotional and physical abuse she had towards our kids. We will let her back in our life, but she has to promise to never do it again. She refuses to do that.

My sister has stop contact with me because I told her she needed more help than I can give her. She has borderline personality disorder and is use to having drama in her life. She has tried to kill herself several times and is on a lot of medication. Anyway, she tried to kill herself again and bragged about how she knows how to get out of talking about her issues. I told her she truly needed to find a retreat to help her and she hit the roof. She has cut off contact with me, but I am truly enjoying the peace of the situation. My health problems are no longer there and I have a wonderful feeling of being free from the emotional abuse.

 

[Pixiedustaway]

I think this is a bit unfair. I have a very close knit family and luckily don't have these kinds of issues, but it is because of luck and not because I'm close with my family (or maybe we're close because we got lucky).

There's a difference between just getting over the hurt that comes with family as the closer you are the better you know the buttons and situations like have been discussed in this thread.

I've dealt with toxic people. I've been very very close with some and I think I would have had to make the same decision if they'd been family. Toxic people will take you down with them. It's not deciding to cut somebody off because your feelings are hurt. You do it because your emotional and physical well being are on the line.

This x1000. It's so easy to.say how you could.never.... but nobody hurts you worse then family. It's great when everyone gets along, but that is not always the case

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

My husband and I purchased a house down the street from my parents in 98. My father was very ill, had a heart transplant. We did everything from them and even took time away from our children.

Over the years the amount of help increased as my Dad passed and my Mom became older, diagnosed with COPD, and depression. My brother and sister pulled away at these times and were only around if they needed money.

Growing up my mother/father were cruel to me and I assume my brother and sister. I have blocked a lot away.

A few years ago my mother and sister became close due to my sister's mental condition becoming worse and my mother helping her. My mother changed and started saying things about my family including her grandchildren.

After a long hospital stay and rehab in which we all came home early from Disney, my mother told the Doctor that she hated me. Flat out always hated me and my family. I thought it was because she was in the hospital. She came home, I took her to doctors, she healed and was back to normal. She again stated she hated me and said some very awful things about my children. My sister also said words and statements that can never be forgiven.

The day I called my mother and told her since she hated me and my family that we were doing as she wished and totally walking away was the day I released the huge elephant off my shoulder.

it was hard. I love my Mom. I do not want to see her nor have a relationship with her though. I do not think I will be told when she passes away. I gave my children the choice to be in her life and it would not upset me. During their last visit with her she told my children that because of their mother she has taken them out of her will and they will get nothing even though they had been calling and visiting and kept everything drama-free. I have never had a day where my heart hurt so much for my children. They have cut ties also at this time.

Not all relationships can be fixed and or healed. I wouldn't wish a relationship like this on anyone!!!

 

[DVC Jen]

i've never understood HOW someone could completely cut ties with close relatives.

in the past i've had some major fights with my one sister but we've never even considered cutting ties with each other.

i have a very small family as both of my parents were only children and all of my grandparents, great aunts, and great uncles have passed.

its basically my parents, two sister, 3 nieces, and 1 nephew.
and then we have a few closer cousins and everyone else is distant relation and lives far from us.

i could not imagine not speaking to the few close relatives i have.

I wish I couldn't understand it either - but sometimes they are incredibly abusive - physically, emotionally, verbally. Sometimes the only way to change the situation is to walk away from it. I couldn't change my siblings. Oh how I wanted to. I wanted them to love me. I wanted them to accept me. I wanted them to respect me. They didn't, ever. In order to restore my health - in order to be happy and have some kind of peace in my life, I had to say good-bye to them. It was not done easily. It was not a knee jerk reaction. It took 28 years - but enough is enough. How I wish things could be different. it still makes me incredibly sad. I couldn't change them. I couldn't continue to allow them to treat me the way they had for so long. I deserve to be happy. I sincerely hope that someday they are able to find real peace and happiness as well. They also deserve it.

 

[jdb in AZ]

oh my gosh peeps i had no ill intentions here.
i think i should be able to have my own opinion just like everyone else.
i was not judging anyone.
if there's a reason for you not to talk to a close family member then thats fine.
i'm just trying to share my opinion about my family and my situations.

Count your blessings, and hope you never have to go through an estrangement.

 

[bookgirl]

oh my gosh peeps i had no ill intentions here.
i think i should be able to have my own opinion just like everyone else.
i was not judging anyone.
if there's a reason for you not to talk to a close family member then thats fine.
i'm just trying to share my opinion about my family and my situations.

You may not have intended to come off self righteous and condensending but it did.

The first line you wrote, was an opinion and you probably should have stopped there. The rest was just so dismissive of anyone else's feelings and so superior sounding that I had to look twice at it to make sure I wasn't mis reading it.

People posted some really tough situations on here and you pretty much told them that their family structure was lacking and that they were unforgiving monsters unlike you who was much closer to your family.

Then to compare being annoyed at your sisters dis organization and how YOU could forgive that while others cut off family for issues like abandonment, abuse and criminal mischief as some how less.

i just find it ugly, and that's my opinion.

I have not formally cut ties with anyone, but I've made no secret that I have no interest in any relationship certain members, while on the other hand I have chosen to forgive some family members who did no lasting harm and hurt me or my loved ones by foolish mistakes. No family is perfect, you just have to do what is best for you and the people you love.

 

[disney world dreamer]

You may not have intended to come off self righteous and condensending but it did.

The first line you wrote, was an opinion and you probably should have stopped there. The rest was just so dismissive of anyone else's feelings and so superior sounding that I had to look twice at it to make sure I wasn't mis reading it.

People posted some really tough situations on here and you pretty much told them that their family structure was lacking and that they were unforgiving monsters unlike you who was much closer to your family.

Then to compare being annoyed at your sisters dis organization and how YOU could forgive that while others cut off family for issues like abandonment, abuse and criminal mischief as some how less.

i just find it ugly, and that's my opinion.

I have not formally cut ties with anyone, but I've made no secret that I have no interest in any relationship certain members, while on the other hand I have chosen to forgive some family members who did no lasting harm and hurt me or my loved ones by foolish mistakes. No family is perfect, you just have to do what is best for you and the people you love.

ok so you think i'm ugly.
thats your opinion.
i'm letting you have it.

 

[3CW]

My father was physically abusive to my siblings and me as kids, to our mother, and to our stepmother, that I personally witnessed. And I'm assuming probably to my stepbrothers as well. As soon as I could convince my mother to allow it, I refused to have anything more to do with him. Unfortunately, this had the side effect of the rest of my paternal extended family cutting me off in turn, despite my attempts to maintain those relationships.

My sister is a sociopath/pathological liar who took my DH and I for thousands of dollars as we tried to help her escape a "bad situation" that turned out to be entirely fabricated. Just like the personality we'd thought was "her", which completely disappeared once she knew she'd been caught. We both still attend family gatherings on my mother's side of the family, but I don't engage with her beyond surface politeness at those events.

 

[Bec3b1g]

Addiction tears families apart. I wish there was a "right" thing to do. I wish that all it took was some love and support to help a loved one recover from an addiction. It is hell on earth to watch someone you love destroy their life. Never knowing if today's the day you get the call they've died. You're afraid for them to the point that you hope they go to jail and stay there because nothing else will keep them alive. I can't tell you the amount of times my dad has called me because no one has heard from my sister and he's afraid she's dead in a ditch. It takes a tremendous toll and overwhelms your life.

What I have learned is that my situation is my situation. Even within my own family, I would never judge where anyone's "line" is. Unless you live it, you just don't know what it's like. Sometimes cutting off contact is the only way to save yourself.

 

[BigAlsGal]

Interesting this thread is going because I recently stopped talking to my brother.

He's manipulative, unpredictable, lazy, self centered, volatile, and just plain abuses and takes advantage of people. He's been in jail/prison most of his young life. He's a complete snake.

I've tried sooooo many times to help him. To show him I care. No matter how hard I tried he kept revealing what a sack of crap he was. I can honestly say I've never done one underhanded thing to him and he has treated me like dirt.

I drew the line at a threat. I'm still struggling because I care for him. He's funny. We always shared a similar sense of humor. He CAN be good. You just can't trust him. When he decides to explode I believe he is the type of person who is capable of terrible things. I'm scared of him.

 

[JOCAmom]

i've never understood HOW someone could completely cut ties with close relatives.

in the past i've had some major fights with my one sister but we've never even considered cutting ties with each other.

i have a very small family as both of my parents were only children and all of my grandparents, great aunts, and great uncles have passed.

its basically my parents, two sister, 3 nieces, and 1 nephew.
and then we have a few closer cousins and everyone else is distant relation and lives far from us.

i could not imagine not speaking to the few close relatives i have.

I did not read the whole thread but this stuck out to me.

I don't have anything to do with my father. He lives 10 minutes from me and if I never saw him again, I would be happy. He was a serial cheater while I was growing up. He finally decided to leave my mom when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. It wasn't her husband who gave her shots to boost her white cell count. That was me. It wasn't my father who supported her when she lost her hair from chemo and decided to shave it all off. It was my 18 year old brother. He shaved her head with tears running down his face. Our life was in such turmoil and our father was more worried about if we liked his new girlfriend.

And after all that, I forgave him. I had a child by then who loved him deeply. I had 2 more children who also loved him. Then he met his current wife who had children of her own. And she wanted a daddy for them. What was a half way decent relationship with my father became strained beyond belief. His wife wouldn't come to any family gatherings we had because my mom might be there. He wouldn't come to any of my kids performance's because his wife was concerned my mother would be there. (my father didn't leave my mom for his current wife) But because his wife saw me as competition against her daughter, I was the odd man out. Disappointing me was not something he was concerned about anymore.

And I lived with that for a while. I got to the point that I didn't care if he talked to me. But I still encouraged him to be involved in his grandchildren's lives. I'd send him messages about their performances or other important things going on. He'd say he would show up but never would. Never an apology...it just was.

The final straw came when my oldest daughter was pregnant. Before she made a public announcement, she contacted all the immediate family members. My father included. He never acknowledged her. Never acknowledged her pregnancy, her son's birth or any way that she tried to include him. Why? Because her son is not 100% white. My grandson's father is Mexican and that is not acceptable my father. I will never understand it and I do not feel one bit of love for him anymore.

 

[SirDuff]

oh my gosh peeps i had no ill intentions here.
i think i should be able to have my own opinion just like everyone else.
i was not judging anyone.
if there's a reason for you not to talk to a close family member then thats fine.
i'm just trying to share my opinion about my family and my situations.

With respect, you may want to think about how you shared your opinion if you are confused as to why people feel you are judging them.

i've never understood HOW someone could completely cut ties with close relatives.

in the past i've had some major fights with my one sister but we've never even considered cutting ties with each other.

i have a very small family as both of my parents were only children and all of my grandparents, great aunts, and great uncles have passed.

its basically my parents, two sister, 3 nieces, and 1 nephew.
and then we have a few closer cousins and everyone else is distant relation and lives far from us.

i could not imagine not speaking to the few close relatives i have.

i was just saying that i never could no matter what the situation.
i guess if someone does not have a very tight knit family like i do that forgives each other easily it can be hard to get over what someone has done to them.

 

[ravenclawtrekkie]

I don't speak to the vast majority of my extended family. My father's side is just plain nuts and I've got nothing in common with any of them, so it's best for everyone that they're left alone. I used to be somewhat close to my mother's sister and her two children, but since my maternal grandparents died, I have no desire to have anything to do with them. They treated my mother and I horribly, demanding extra money from the estate and special treatment with regard to the ownership and sale of the house, despite the fact that we were my grandparents' sole caretakers for years and asked for nothing in return.

 

[sunshinehighway]

oh my gosh peeps i had no ill intentions here.
i think i should be able to have my own opinion just like everyone else.
i was not judging anyone.
if there's a reason for you not to talk to a close family member then thats fine.
i'm just trying to share my opinion about my family and my situations.

You judged. You were wrong.
This thread is about why people stopped talking to family members. You haven't done so, and could never see doing so. What exactly are you adding with your opinions except judgement?

You'd be better off just apologizing.
Calling posters "peeps" and spouting off about being able to have your own opinion just makes it worse.

 

[ilovefh]

Aside from issues with my immediate family, I just realized we all stopped talking to my uncle, or rather he stopped talking to us.

He has a crazy gambling problem. My grandparents put significant money away for all their kids to go to college. He didn't go but he wanted the money anyway. My grandparents helped him buy a house by giving him down payment money and consigning. He foreclosed on that home and needed a new on for him, his wife and step kids. It had to have a pool! So they helped him again and again he eventually foreclosed on that one too.

He drained them of a lot of money over the years. My grandparents informed him that since they had given him so much money over time that his part of the will was being reduced significantly. In the end he would just get 1/4 of the money they had left in the bank. He was angry and stopped talking to them, my mom and my uncles and subsequently us kids.

Then two years after my grandfather died my grandmother got sick and required a nursing home. This meant that her bank account went down to virtually nothing before she died. He was so mad that he didn't go visit her once when she was in the nursing home. My mom would go see her every day after school and she would often catch his wife and her mother visiting my grandmother. (Her mom and my grandmother had become good friends.) She always implored my mom not to tell him because he would be mad at her. Truthfully I respected her a lot for visiting.

When I called the hospital one day to talk to my mom and he answered I KNEW something must be wrong. My grandmother had died.

We never really spoke to him again, but his wife still keeps in touch. My mom had me invite him to my wedding to be the bigger person. He did come and stood in the back. She wanted a picture with me and my uncles and he obliged. I hated it because of the way he treated my grandparents made me so angry. My grandmother was so hurt and devastated.

His wife keeps in touch through emails and Facebook. She sends cards and such for important events in the kids lives. The ONLY time he has ever called any of siblings again was to ask for money for a lawyer and legal help from my uncle. His stepson was involved in a drug crime that resulted in one man dead and his stepson almost dead. They had gone to steal drugs from a guy staying with my stepsons' girlfriend. They brought a bat and a knife. The man ended up overpowering them and killed the man my cousin came with and almost killed him.

TLC has some crime show and it was even featured on that. How awful. Especially since right after it happened my cousin officially changed his last name to my grandparents. It's an uncommon Greek name and was always highly respected in the community. He thought the judge and jury would go easy on him if they thought he was part of our family. Despicable in my opinion.

We see my uncle around town but never speak to him. His wife keeps my mom updated on all of his health issues.

Thankfully when his wife went into a coma this fall for no apparent reason his daughter let us know and we got to visit her. She also kept us updated.

It all makes me sad because my mom does miss her brother. They were very close. I have no respect for him and it's been more than 15 years so I don't really even miss him. Honestly now when I think of my uncles I think of the other two.

 

[disney world dreamer]

calling me judgmental is the pot calling the kettle black
you are judging me for thinking i'm judging others

even though you will see me as being more judgmental i'll try to again explain my reasoning for not being able to understand how someone could cut out a close family member...

my family is very small...

if i cut just one person out it would be a major major major portion of my life and i could not imagine my life without one of my family members.

i'm not saying my family is better than everyone else's as those who keep quoting me seem to think

i will not apologize for my personal opinion as i was not judging anyone and if you feel i was then that is your opinion.

 

[cabanafrau]

ok so you think i'm ugly.
thats your opinion.
i'm letting you have it.

People have their opinions, no permission necessary.

 

[cabanafrau]

sister manipulated my folks emotionally, financially and wickedly. After my father died we came across a letter he had written to her stating he could no longer afford to help her, but hadn't mailed. I had no idea the amount of $$$ that went her way until he was gone. She to this day, declares she did nothing wrong as she sits in her home while parents lost theirs.

That may be what she declares, but it's more than likely she knows the truth of what she did -- and she can never escape that knowledge.

 

[DVC Jen]

calling me judgmental is the pot calling the kettle black
you are judging me for thinking i'm judging others

even though you will see me as being more judgmental i'll try to again explain my reasoning for not being able to understand how someone could cut out a close family member...

my family is very small...

if i cut just one person out it would be a major major major portion of my life and i could not imagine my life without one of my family members.

i'm not saying my family is better than everyone else's as those who keep quoting me seem to think

i will not apologize for my personal opinion as i was not judging anyone and if you feel i was then that is your opinion.

I personally didn't take what you said in a badly judgmental way but more of - ignorance to be honest. How I wish I had that ignorance and I am serious about that.

My parents died when I was a child. Both of cancer. I have 5 older siblings - much older. The oldest is 22 years older than I am and the 2nd youngest is 10 years older. When our father was dying I was 15/16 years old. I had no one to turn to because they were constantly fighting among themselves. How I could trust any of them when they were so mean to each other? Then when they found out I was getting more of an inheritance (since I was under age and our parents obviously knew none of them would take me on financially) that anger turned to me. They did everything they could to make me feel horrible. They embarrassed me (purposely) in front of friends. They yelled at me. They threatened me with foster care. They told me they knew I would end up pregnant and did I know if I did I would not longer get money from the state or my Dad's retirement? I wasn't even thinking about money. I was just trying to survive - honestly. I was physically abused by an older brother and every one of my other siblings turned their cheeks. The day I turned 18 my sister in law ( at that point I was paying room and board to live with a brother and his wife) sat me down and told me point blank that all of my siblings were very angry with me because of the money I had (13K) and I should divide it up and give it to them. I didn't. I had college and living expenses to pay for.

The day I got married one of my sisters made a pass at my brand new husband during our reception. She was 7 years older than him, married and had 2 kids. Everyone knew and just laughed about it.

My entire adult life there would be snide and snarky comments from my siblings. The worst came when we started to go to WDW on a regular basis. Yes - my husband makes a very good income, but I never once said anything about it to them. I never once help myself above them. However I could not even mention we were going to Disney, or when we got a new car (we went years and years with only one. I would take DH to work then my DD to school and reverse it all in the afternoon - all doing this while dragging a young infant with me) there would be never ending snarky comments. Our beloved cat died and when I said we had him cremated I was told that was shameful to spend that much money on a cat when I should have just tossed him out in the garbage.

I was not even invited or told about a birthday party for our oldest sister. I found out because I was accidentally included on an email about it. When I mentioned how hurt I was - I got slammed big time. No - i couldn't go. I lived 1000 miles away - but I could send a gift and call.. find a way to be included on some level. How dare I even say my feelings were hurt.

When our oldest had her 3rd brain surgery only ONE of my siblings called to see if she was OK. Then FOUR MONTHS after another calls. The second she finds out my DD was OK she started in trying to guilt me for not wanting to go camping with them instead of going to WDW. She even insulted my husband repeatedly because I said neither of us are campers (even though I went as a child). She didn't call to find out about my DD - she called to insult and try to emotionally manipulate me.

Then my husbands company was hit VERY hard by the recession and he found out 3 days before we were supposed to go back for a family wedding he was getting a 20K pay cut. We were panicked to say the least. The money we had set aside to go back for the wedding now had to be used to pay college tuition for our oldest. Did anyone understand? NO! Instead I was raked over the coals about that. Basically told I was lying and I could have gone if I wanted to. This was said by a sister whom in 20 some years had n ever so much as even attempted to come see me.

My oldest brother sent out the most offensive email - racially offensive after that horrible earthquake in Haiti. I privately messaged him back and told him I found things like that beyond offensive and please do not forward stuff like that to me again. Well he went off the deep end and decided to make it public - once again trying to humiliate me. He didn't though. By then I was so over it all.

When I tried to talk to another sister about it she had the nerve to ask me what my deal was with our oldest brother. I was stunned. This man beat me up when I was 16 years old. He threatened to kill me if I told our dying father. No one did ANYTHING about it. This man is violent, chauvinistic and racist to the extreme and what is MY deal with him?

That was the straw that broke the camels back. I sat down and wrote one long email and sent it to all of my siblings. I told them they were no longer allowed to treat me as they had been. I mentioned things they had done and said to me and NO MORE. I told them if they wanted to stay a part of my life they had to respect me, my family and the decision we make. If not - then I wish them well.

The responses I got back were filled with so much anger and hatred. How dare I stand up for myself. How dare I point out their bad behavior. I was literally told by my oldest that I am "just like Mom". It was the biggest compliment she could ever have given me. I loved our mother dearly. She died when I was 13.

My oldest brother lied about what he did to me. Why I have no idea. They all knew about it. They all knew what happened and when. He said I was younger than I was - as if that made it OK. Simple math could prove him wrong.

I only responded to one - the brother and sister in law I lived with for 2 years. I didn't beg them to try to work it out with me but I told them I hoped they would. I told them I would always love them and be there for them if they needed or wanted me.

I haven't spoken to any of them in five and a half years. I do speak to their children though. Some of their children I am very close to. They know what their parents are like and they know (and have told me) they know I was speaking the truth. They have also told me that ego, pride and saving face will prevent my siblings from ever reaching out to me again.

It hurts! it is the most painful thing I have ever gone through. I not only lost my parents, but I lost my entire family - with the exception of a few nieces and nephews and the family I created with my husband.

Every moment of every day it hurts and I wish it could be different. However the constant verbal abuse and emotional manipulation hurt so much more than having no contact at all.

I am working very hard on not being angry with them. I pray for their health and happiness every day. My head knows that this is all for the best and that I will more than likely never speak to any of them again. My head has accepted it. I am trying so hard to get my heart to also accept it.

I have also read quite a few articles about how serious childhood trauma - including emotional abuse can be as difficult and paralyzing as PTSD - that it is VERY similar. There have been times something has triggered a flash back - it happened to me once during jury duty with a man who beat his wife. That man had the same look in his eyes as my brother did when he was beating me. I broke down sobbing and had to be escorted out of the court room. In an instant I was taken back to that horrible moment.

So ya see - cutting ties with my siblings has been an extremely hard,yet I believe life sustaining choice for me.

I wish with everything I have that things could be different. I wish I had extended family to share with my daughters. How I miss having family holidays. I can not have one without the other though and I simple CAN NOT have any more of the bad. It was destroying me. Out of love for myself and my own family I had to say enough.

Don't think for a second it is easy. Don't think for a second it is not painful every single day. When I see family gatherings I get a lump in the back of my throat. When I hear or see posts about - hey I went shopping with my sister or I have the best brother/sister - I cry.

I want that so bad - but I could not, I can not and I will not allow them to rip me to shreds anymore just so I can pretend I have a loving and supportive family.

Disney World Dreamer - YOU are EXTREMELY lucky... I envy you.

 

[luvsJack]

Addiction tears families apart. I wish there was a "right" thing to do. I wish that all it took was some love and support to help a loved one recover from an addiction. It is hell on earth to watch someone you love destroy their life. Never knowing if today's the day you get the call they've died. You're afraid for them to the point that you hope they go to jail and stay there because nothing else will keep them alive. I can't tell you the amount of times my dad has called me because no one has heard from my sister and he's afraid she's dead in a ditch. It takes a tremendous toll and overwhelms your life.

What I have learned is that my situation is my situation. Even within my own family, I would never judge where anyone's "line" is. Unless you live it, you just don't know what it's like. Sometimes cutting off contact is the only way to save yourself.

Addiction does tear a family apart. You are 110% right. I have gotten "that" call and it tears your heart out. It was my bil, dh's baby brother who was just a few years older than my oldest son, a bil that I adored and an uncle dd loved to the moon and back. It takes more than love and support, it takes the person wanting help first and foremost and that person getting help. Family support is one part of the recovery.

If the addict never chooses to get help, there is absolutely nothing anyone can do and there will come a point for anyone that the line has been crossed and they have to wash their hands of the situation.

My father was a recovering alcoholic, and thank God, I can say recovering because that one word gave us many years of a wonderful relationship. It gave me my hero back.

Another bil and his wife are recovering drug addicts. He is now a preacher and they live a wonderful life.

Sadly my youngest bil, never got to the "recovering" part. He never got to the point of seeking help. And he died. If all it had taken was love and support, he would still be here. He had more love in his life than most people. But he had to want to get better and it just had not gotten there yet. He never stole from us, he never took anything that wasn't his to buy his drugs. He made sure his children were cared for and provided for. So he never crossed the line with any of us of anyone washing their hands. But, it he hadn't been the kind of person he was, we would have had to just for our own sanity. But I am glad it didn't.

I do think (and can't say for sure, but honestly think) if it had gotten to that point we could have done what the pp suggested and set boundaries but still been there for him.

Its just hard. Its hard for the addict and harder for the family.