What made you stop talking to close family members? (be specific)

[gwynne]

How long do you have?

My father's mother HATED my mother and I. She made darn sure my father doubted my mother, and therefore me, since day 1. She would not allow her precious son to move out of the house, even though he was married and expecting a child. She questioned him so many times about my mother that eventually, my father told my mother that he didn't think I was his child - even after I was born and looked just like him. My mother was not allowed to get a job, go shopping, cut her hair, or even leave the house while she was married to my father. She couldn't even go sit outside - the neighbors might see her!

After 2 1/2 years, Mom had had enough and called her brothers to pick her and I up. She packed a small bag for me and nothing for herself. My father "ran away" (he was afraid of my uncles...all three were Marines; one at the time was a police officer and showed up in uniform, in his cruiser). The next day, we arrived here in CT where I grew up with her and her parents. My father immediately filed for divorce. Thankfully, my mother got custody of me.

Now...my father was supposed to pay $25 per week child support. He did...but he refused to EVER raise that.
He was ordered to carry medical and dental insurance for me. He didn't..."it's too expensive."
Beginning when I was 5, I had to visit him for 4 weeks per year. He was ordered to fly here (Indiana to CT) to pick me up and vice versa, because a child that age "shouldn't" fly alone. He did come to get me...the first time. At the end of the 4 weeks, he put me on a plane BY MYSELF and from then on, every year, I was on my own - because "It's too expensive to buy plane tickets. If you want me to come get her" (he said to my mother), "you can pay for my ticket."
The year that I was 7 or 8 years old, he wasn't even at the airport to meet me (O'Hare in Chicago). I had to find my way to the baggage claim by myself.
He didn't pay any child support for those 4 weeks that I was with him. In fact, he demanded that my mother pay him.
When I arrived at their house, my clothing was taken away from me. I was presented with a box of garage sale clothing and that's what I had to wear.
My father never took time off from work to spend with me. I spent my days going to garage sales with his parents.
I was not allowed to go outside, because the neighbors might see me and steal me.
I was not even allowed to enter the bathroom by myself, because I might fall (I quickly learned to run in, shut and lock the door, but I'd come out to someone standing there with an ear to the door). Showers were impossible - I put my foot down when I was 12, but my father would stand right outside the curtain to make sure I didn't fall.
Around the age of 12, I learned what taxes were. I then found out that my father had LOTS of money in bank accounts that were in my name and SSN - and my mother, as custodial parent, had to pay the taxes on the interest.
He also filed his taxes during the first week of February every year in order to make sure that he claimed me as a dependent before my mother did.

In all, he spent 6 months of my life with me (that I can remember...I don't count my first 18 months of life because I don't remember anything).

Finally, the year I turned 14, his mother said to me one day, "I got your mother out of his life and I'm going to get rid of you, too." A few months later, he drove out here to CT for a weekend visit. At the end of the weekend, he sat down with my grandmother (Mom's mother) and I and proceeded to tell the most fantastical stories that I'd ever heard. His mother had told him that she caught me in his room, going through his drawers, looking for items that other people had given me over the years. She told him that I stole a bunch of toys that they'd bought and smuggled them out in my cassette cases. And many other things...we sat there for 3 hours, yelling and screaming and crying over it all. He eventually stormed out of the house, and the next day he left for home. We never spoke again.

The week of my 31st birthday, I was playing around with genealogy on the internet and checked the Social Security Death Index to see if I could find any relatives. I was shocked to find out that my father had died 6 months earlier. I eventually learned that he'd had a massive stroke on both sides of the brain, one week after his 54th birthday. I can't say I really felt anything and I still don't. He wasn't a father to me - from growing up with my mother's parents, my grandpa was my "dad." But now I find that I'm struggling with what I might tell my son someday when he asks why he doesn't have a grandpa here.

Answer the questions kids ask.

If your son asks why he doesn't have a grandpa, your answer is "he died at a fairly young age". It's the truth.

If your son asks you to tell him
Stories about his grandpa, tell him The truth... That you didn't spend much time with him because your parents were divorced when you were young, so you don't have any good stories. I don't think you need to share the garage sale clothes and bathroom escort. Chances are he'lol n

More likely than not, since your dad was never in his life it won't be an issue.

This exactly right. If the son asks, he should get a basic answer. Keep it pleasant and then move along. All the details are not helpful. Those are best shared with an adult friend or therapist.

 

[elphaba91]

I have no contact with my father or any family on his side (which is really just his mother and brother). My father was apparently always a pathological liar but changed for a little while when he was with my mum. Then we moved interstate and he became addicted to gambling and would pawn things (the lawn mower, the camera with the film containing my sister's baby photos still in it) and stealing (including my older sister's tooth fairy money and money that my mum's family tried sending so she could afford to pay for food and bills) so he could spend more at the casino. He also sold my grandmother's car, which she blamed my mother for. She said to her that she loved my mother because she made my father change for the better, but as he had changed back she didn't love her anymore. We were living interstate at the time and were soon going to be out on the street if things didn't change so my Mum ended up moving back to our home state with my sisters and I, expecting that he would end up following, but he didn't. He turned up briefly a couple of years later, visited a couple of times, was served divorce papers and left and we haven't seen him since. We have stayed living locally and our details have always been in the phone book, so if he wanted to contact us he could have, he has just chosen not to.

His mother and brother are the same. His brother is a real estate agent and was selling a property across the road from my aunt's beach house when we were there one weekend. My aunt (who knows him as they belong to the same sailing club) took my older sister and I over and introduced us to him, either as 'our nieces' or 'your nieces', I can't remember which, and he didn't say a word to us. When we needed our father's signature for our passports they refused to help (luckily we got a court order instead). Then a few years ago my older sister passed away suddenly. My mum made sure that my father's mother was informed and she did come to the funeral, however did not say a word to us, even when my mum and I were standing on the footpath directly in front of her. My mum then wrote to her shortly after trying to mend bridges but she wanted none of it.

Okay...now here's the funny thing. I wrote all of the above earlier today, but ran out of time on my lunch break to finish it. I was just going to add that the reason I have stopped talking to these family members is because it was their choice for several years and so I feel that I shouldn't bother to seek them out now. I don't feel hurt by them, I don't feel curious about them, I don't feel as though there's something missing in my life, it just is what it is.

But now I have something else to add. This evening I found out that my younger sister actually phoned my father's mother today and is having dinner with her later this week. And apparently that makes me a ***** for not wanting anything to do with her. As some PPs have said, I just don't see why because I share DNA with her I have to force myself to have a relationship with someone.

 

[luvsJack]

The above post (#56) does not surprise me, coming from that poster.

But, I can't help but say:
Just as one other poster mentioned that women are counseled to get out of abusive relationships... and IMHO, most any other relationship is lessor than one's marriage... why should one stay in a bad (toxic, abusive) relationship just because it is 'family;...

I have the very same thoughts about the above post, regarding alcoholism.

It is a very negative and slippery slope, and IMHO, a huge mistake, to think that somebody can save, or 'fix', or be responsible for an toxic, abusive or addicted person, in any way.

I would actually shudder and cringe to think that my child (especially if I had a daughter) might find themselves in such a situation, and have that Florence Nightingale 'FIXER' mentality.

Not to even begin to mention the 'guilt' factor.

As far as I know, most all experts, and al-Anon, etc. make it the first priority for family members to understand that they are NOT responsible for, and and can not 'fix' an abusive, toxic, or addicted person. Bottom line is, the other person has to take responsibility for their own condition.

WOAS, I can't find the post numbers on my phone, so forgive me if you weren't referring to my post.

If you were, please re-read and allow me to clarify. I said support, I didn't say fix. No one can fix anyone. My dad decided after the birth of my younger son to get help. He made that decision. He checked himself into rehab and stayed there for 3 months. During that time we all went to meetings. We weren't there to do it for him but to support him and to help ourselves. The AA and Alanon groups talked about support.

My point was that if I had cut him out of my life due to his disease, I would not have been around during the many years of sobriety. My sons would have not have had the opportunity to know the most important man in their lives.

Thats not to say no one should cut someone from their life due to addiction. Sometimes it reaches a point where you have to or the addiction causes a person to be abusive. But to completely walk away even if there is a chance that the person wants help can be just as detrimental to your life as staying in their life.

 

[sunshinehighway]

WOAS, I can't find the post numbers on my phone, so forgive me if you weren't referring to my post.

If you were, please re-read and allow me to clarify. I said support, I didn't say fix. No one can fix anyone. My dad decided after the birth of my younger son to get help. He made that decision. He checked himself into rehab and stayed there for 3 months. During that time we all went to meetings. We weren't there to do it for him but to support him and to help ourselves. The AA and Alanon groups talked about support.

My point was that if I had cut him out of my life due to his disease, I would not have been around during the many years of sobriety. My sons would have not have had the opportunity to know the most important man in their lives.

Thats not to say no one should cut someone from their life due to addiction. Sometimes it reaches a point where you have to or the addiction causes a person to be abusive. But to completely walk away even if there is a chance that the person wants help can be just as detrimental to your life as staying in their life.

There's only so much support you can give someone before it takes over your life. Unless an alcoholic or drug addict is actively working to change, they will do nothing but drag you down with them.

 

[luvsJack]

There's only so much support you can give someone before it takes over your life. Unless an alcoholic or drug addict is actively working to change, they will do nothing but drag you down with them.

I completely agree. And like I said in my first post, everyone has their own breaking point.

In my life, I have seen people walk away from someone who started drinking or became addicted to pain meds. They weren't willing to turn back for any reason. The addict tried. They went into rehab. But nothing changed for them with their family. They had a choice to live life alone or with the drinking buddies. They chose not to be alone. The family that walked away couldn't fix them or do it for them, but just being willing to see the strides the family member was making would have helped.

But everyone's situation is different and everyone has to make their own choices and decisions based on what is best for them.

 

[gwynne]

I completely agree. And like I said in my first post, everyone has their own breaking point.

In my life, I have seen people walk away from someone who started drinking or became addicted to pain meds. They weren't willing to turn back for any reason. The addict tried. They went into rehab. But nothing changed for them with their family. They had a choice to live life alone or with the drinking buddies. They chose not to be alone. The family that walked away couldn't fix them or do it for them, but just being willing to see the strides the family member was making would have helped.

But everyone's situation is different and everyone has to make their own choices and decisions based on what is best for them.

It's always a good reminder that boundaries might be more helpful, long term, than black and white thinking. Many people think there are two choices, enabling or cutting someone out of your life. Actually there is a third. Limited boundaries. You don't need to pay their bills. You don't need to give them cash. Maybe meet for coffee or lunch. See how it goes. If it doesn't go well, back to call screening awhile. Growth is rarely linear.
Sometimes folks are hell bent on being destructive. Those people probably are beyond helping, but not everyone is in that group.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I completely agree. And like I said in my first post, everyone has their own breaking point.

In my life, I have seen people walk away from someone who started drinking or became addicted to pain meds. They weren't willing to turn back for any reason. The addict tried. They went into rehab. But nothing changed for them with their family. They had a choice to live life alone or with the drinking buddies. They chose not to be alone. The family that walked away couldn't fix them or do it for them, but just being willing to see the strides the family member was making would have helped.

But everyone's situation is different and everyone has to make their own choices and decisions based on what is best for them.

There would have been a third choice, get involved in new activities and meet new people. If that person chose drinking buddies, s/he probably would have started drinking again anyways.

You shouldn't judge those family members for the choices they made. Alcoholics are sneaky and liars. I bet if you spoke to those family members you'd heard some stories of really terrible behavior by the alcoholic and maybe not enough action in being accountable.

 

[kimblebee]

Let's not turn this into a judgemental thread. People make the choices that they feel are best for them. No one else knows what they are feeling so we should all just be supportive and let them live with their decisions. Cutting someone out isn't easy. Let them have their peace.

 

[ronandannette]

Almost 16 years ago my dad suffered a TBI. My mom did not handle it well and was very angry with him for years. She put my 3 siblings and I in a position of having to choose sides. I tried to stay neutral and make that clear to her, but it was a "you're either with me or against me" situation, so in her mind I was against her. That, plus years of conflict between the 2 of us, led to me having some major anger issues towards her. Admittedly, I did not treat her very well and I have since apologized and things are fine between us now.

During that time, my mom (still messed up from my dad's injury) turned to my siblings and relayed every event that happened between us. Of course she made herself the victim and never told them the things she said and did. That led to one sister becoming angry with me for how I was "treating" our mom. My mom brought my siblings into our conflict and my sister came after me. She would call me or send emails telling me how crazy I was and what an awful person I was and how I didn't deserve to have anyone love me. She felt sorry for my husband because he had to live with me. Mind you, none of this came from something that happened between her and I. It all came from events between myself and my mom.

I also learned at that time that she had made some comments to my husband, asking him why he married me and how could he stand living with me. She didn't understand what he saw in me. She told him that they (my family) were all on his side and that they wouldn't blame him or be mad if he left me. She said I didn't deserve him and I was lucky to have someone like him.

The last straw for me was at her wedding. She made it very clear I wasn't wanted there and neither were my kids. She called my kids names, criticized them, and excluded them from all wedding activities. She made special plans for all the kids, but mine were not included. At the time my kids were 11 months and 3. There were 7 kids (all under the age of 6) at the wedding and she bought little gifts for all of them but mine. Imagine trying to explain that to my 3 year old.

That was when I decided I was done with her. I tried talking to her, reasoning, and tried to understand her thinking. But she laughed in my face and told me to keep my "brats away" from her and her son. My breaking point was when she went after my kids and used them to hurt me. And the worst part was that she didn't see anything wrong with what she did. I didn't care if she was family, she was not going to treat me or my kids that way. That was 8 years ago. I've only said a few words to her since then and that was only to keep the peace for my parents' sake at their 40th anniversary celebration.

Not one person in my family stood up for me or my kids. No one called my sister out for crossing that line. I never talked to anyone about what she said, but they all know because she told them. And no one called me to sympathize or to even let me know that they felt bad about how she treated my kids. At the wedding my other sister's husband came to me and said "this isn't right" and he shared his kids' gifts with my 3 year old. But not one other person said anything to me.

I have absolutely no regrets over the decision I made about my sister. I don't miss her and it's been a relief to not have to deal with her verbal abuse. She is simply not a good person. My decision was validated 100% 7 years ago when Hurricane Ike hit. Our home suffered over $20,000 in damage due to losing over 75% of our shingles and having major water damage. It was a nightmare to clean up and repair. My sister must have heard about it from my mom because a few days after Ike she sent me a message on Facebook (we were not friends) full of comments like how great karma is and that we get what's coming to us. She's a rotten person to the core and not someone I want to have in my life ever again.

I didn't mean for this to be so long. But I hope my experience can help others understand why some of us do not believe that family is everything and that we shouldn't turn our backs on family. Sometimes years of being treated a certain way take their toll and it takes a lot of courage to finally say enough is enough. My siblings have not been there for me when I needed them, but my close friends have.

I just gotta ask...why did you go to that wedding??

 

[Wishing on a star]

I was kind of wondering the same thing about the wedding....

And on the other subject, I do see what you are saying LuvsJack!
But, as you can tell, I more-so agree with the other post just above.
It is hard.. It is a very, very, fine line.

In most, and notice, nothing is 100%, so I said MOST cases...
Support = Enabling
And, the 'supporter' is, IMHO, a victim...
Addicts and controlling/abusive personalities, pretty much by definition, are 'users'.

I have a really really strong view on the idea that anyone should feel obligation to support another adult in that way.
If the other person wishes to change their situation, then they, and they alone, have to have the desire, and motivation, and do the hard work.
I very firmly believe that another person, even the 'support' of another person, has no bearing on that.

So, thinking along those lines, I just had to offer a very strong caveat.

 

[luvsJack]

It's always a good reminder that boundaries might be more helpful, long term, than black and white thinking. Many people think there are two choices, enabling or cutting someone out of your life. Actually there is a third. Limited boundaries. You don't need to pay their bills. You don't need to give them cash. Maybe meet for coffee or lunch. See how it goes. If it doesn't go well, back to call screening awhile. Growth is rarely linear.
Sometimes folks are hell bent on being destructive. Those people probably are beyond helping, but not everyone is in that group.

Exactly and what I meant from the beginning.

There are many ways to be there for someone without allowing them to use you or being an enabler. Al Anon and counseling help you find that line.

 

[luvsJack]

There would have been a third choice, get involved in new activities and meet new people. If that person chose drinking buddies, s/he probably would have started drinking again anyways.

You shouldn't judge those family members for the choices they made. Alcoholics are sneaky and liars. I bet if you spoke to those family members you'd heard some stories of really terrible behavior by the alcoholic and maybe not enough action in being accountable.

I don't judge them nor am I now. I said plainly that everyone has their own line. What one can deal with another cannot and everyone has to make their own choices. We all have to do what is best for our own lives and our own family.

As for your first statement, you have no way of knowing that. None. Its very easy to say that he had another choice. Very different when you are trying to find new "activities" and new "friends" that have no relationship to alcohol or your past life.

I did know why the person I was referring to was cut out of the family. It wasn't about his actions while drinking. It wasn't about anything but the choice to drink. But, that was their line, and that was their choice. Didn't make it any easier on the addict. I don't know what happened to them, I do know what happened to him.

 

[gwynne]

Exactly and what I meant from the beginning.

There are many ways to be there for someone without allowing them to use you or being an enabler. Al Anon and counseling help you find that line.

And I want to say that it's an option. It's not the only option, and I don't judge folks who need to take stronger steps. But, sometimes, a bit of grace (with boundaries) is helpful for both the person in crisis and their relative.

 

[brookmey]

I just gotta ask...why did you go to that wedding??

I didn't want to and my instincts were telling me not to, especially since it was in a different state, but I did because I felt like I had to. I didn't want to give my family one more thing to be mad at me about. I didn't know until we got there that my sister had planned things for the other kids before we arrived. We got there a day after everyone else because of DH's work schedule. I really wish we hadn't gone. I was kind of in denial about my sister, like I couldn't believe how she was treating me and that she didn't want me there. There was no big conflict or fight between my sister and I, so I just couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that her actions were because of the issues between our mom and me, not my sister and me. That whole experience really woke me up to reality. It's kind of hard to explain, but I just think I was kind of in denial. I went through a lot of counseling to deal with my anger and my hurt feelings towards my sister, so I'm able to see things clearly now.

 

[SmallWorld71]

The short version:
DH and I no longer speak to his brother. When BIL's baby daughter was about 9 months old, DBIL just up and decided he didn't want to be a father anymore and cut his baby daughter out of his life. He even went so far as to stop working so that he didn't have to give any $ to his DD.
DH's brother is 12 years younger than him and DH practically raised him since their mother was pretty dysfunctional. DH was completely devastated when this happened and tried every thing he could to change BIL's mind. Nothing worked. He just didn't feel like being a father. (He was 26, not a young kid)
BIL did tell us he liked being an uncle and didn't understand why we didn't think he would be a good role model for our kids. There were a few people in DH's family who felt the same way and didn't understand why we were upset.
It's 6 years later and nothing has changed with BIL. My niece's mom was unable to afford things on her own without any child support and ended up moving back home with her mother who lives on the other side of the continent. DH and I keep in touch via facebook but we miss our niece terribly and my kids miss their cousin.

Never in a million years would DH and I have expected something like this to happen. But, it did. Never say never, I guess. For us, abandoning your own child is on our list of unforgivable acts.

 

[lauradis]

How long do you have?

My father's mother HATED my mother and I. She made darn sure my father doubted my mother, and therefore me, since day 1. She would not allow her precious son to move out of the house, even though he was married and expecting a child. She questioned him so many times about my mother that eventually, my father told my mother that he didn't think I was his child - even after I was born and looked just like him. My mother was not allowed to get a job, go shopping, cut her hair, or even leave the house while she was married to my father. She couldn't even go sit outside - the neighbors might see her!

After 2 1/2 years, Mom had had enough and called her brothers to pick her and I up. She packed a small bag for me and nothing for herself. My father "ran away" (he was afraid of my uncles...all three were Marines; one at the time was a police officer and showed up in uniform, in his cruiser). The next day, we arrived here in CT where I grew up with her and her parents. My father immediately filed for divorce. Thankfully, my mother got custody of me.

Now...my father was supposed to pay $25 per week child support. He did...but he refused to EVER raise that.
He was ordered to carry medical and dental insurance for me. He didn't..."it's too expensive."
Beginning when I was 5, I had to visit him for 4 weeks per year. He was ordered to fly here (Indiana to CT) to pick me up and vice versa, because a child that age "shouldn't" fly alone. He did come to get me...the first time. At the end of the 4 weeks, he put me on a plane BY MYSELF and from then on, every year, I was on my own - because "It's too expensive to buy plane tickets. If you want me to come get her" (he said to my mother), "you can pay for my ticket."
The year that I was 7 or 8 years old, he wasn't even at the airport to meet me (O'Hare in Chicago). I had to find my way to the baggage claim by myself.
He didn't pay any child support for those 4 weeks that I was with him. In fact, he demanded that my mother pay him.
When I arrived at their house, my clothing was taken away from me. I was presented with a box of garage sale clothing and that's what I had to wear.
My father never took time off from work to spend with me. I spent my days going to garage sales with his parents.
I was not allowed to go outside, because the neighbors might see me and steal me.
I was not even allowed to enter the bathroom by myself, because I might fall (I quickly learned to run in, shut and lock the door, but I'd come out to someone standing there with an ear to the door). Showers were impossible - I put my foot down when I was 12, but my father would stand right outside the curtain to make sure I didn't fall.
Around the age of 12, I learned what taxes were. I then found out that my father had LOTS of money in bank accounts that were in my name and SSN - and my mother, as custodial parent, had to pay the taxes on the interest.
He also filed his taxes during the first week of February every year in order to make sure that he claimed me as a dependent before my mother did.

In all, he spent 6 months of my life with me (that I can remember...I don't count my first 18 months of life because I don't remember anything).

Finally, the year I turned 14, his mother said to me one day, "I got your mother out of his life and I'm going to get rid of you, too." A few months later, he drove out here to CT for a weekend visit. At the end of the weekend, he sat down with my grandmother (Mom's mother) and I and proceeded to tell the most fantastical stories that I'd ever heard. His mother had told him that she caught me in his room, going through his drawers, looking for items that other people had given me over the years. She told him that I stole a bunch of toys that they'd bought and smuggled them out in my cassette cases. And many other things...we sat there for 3 hours, yelling and screaming and crying over it all. He eventually stormed out of the house, and the next day he left for home. We never spoke again.

The week of my 31st birthday, I was playing around with genealogy on the internet and checked the Social Security Death Index to see if I could find any relatives. I was shocked to find out that my father had died 6 months earlier. I eventually learned that he'd had a massive stroke on both sides of the brain, one week after his 54th birthday. I can't say I really felt anything and I still don't. He wasn't a father to me - from growing up with my mother's parents, my grandpa was my "dad." But now I find that I'm struggling with what I might tell my son someday when he asks why he doesn't have a grandpa here.

As hard as it might be tell him the truth, not all people should be parents, that his grandmother protected you from him as much as she could and he died when he was 54.

 

[quandrea]

Mine is a long story like so many others. I was actually the one finally cut off. It was because I tried to set boundaries. Doesn't always work.

My brother's life is a mess. He is in an unhappy marriage to a woman who puts her parents first. She had a difficult pregnancy and birth and I happily helped out. Cooked, cleaned their house, took care of mother and baby, did groceries. All as a gift to my brother, whom I loved. This while raising my three small kids.

Fast forward a few months. Baby is due to be baptized into what amounts to a cult--fringe group of a mainstream religion. I am asked to be godmother. I must decline because participating in the ceremony would end in the denouncing of my faith. My brother, sisters and parents are appalled. They all want me to look the other way and do it. My responsibility is to my husband and children. I resist. Somehow we manage to deal with things but the incident is not forgotten by my family.

A few months later my brother asks me to lie for him. I tell him I can't. That we don't lie in my home and I can't agree to lie for him. My parents and brother are outraged. Parents want me to apologise and I say I won't as I've done nothing wrong. My father blames me for all that is wrong in the family. Says he won't come for Christmas if I don't apologise to my brother. Smashes phone on my ear. Doesn't show for Christmas. That was the last time we spoke. That same day I got a vicious email from my brother cutting me off.

This was the culmination of years of problems. Basically all stemming from my putting my nuclear family first. Once when my baby was choking on dog fur from my parents' floor and I Heimliched her, my mother didn't speak to me for a week becaue I embarrassed her in front of her friends. My father once blew up at me because my husband spoke up when my dad was feeding my daughter using a butcher knife as a spoon. I could go on and on but the bottom line is, I was always wrong.

The only emotion I feel for them now is disgust. That they could hurt their grandchildren on Christmas is beyond me. I think what ended any hope of reconciliation was the day my daughter nearly died in February from an unknown heart condition. They knew and didn't even call to see if she was alive or dead. They are bad people and I don't want them near us.

 

[lauradis]

i was just saying that i never could no matter what the situation.
i guess if someone does not have a very tight knit family like i do that forgives each other easily it can be hard to get over what someone has done to them.

Maybe the difference is not "very tight knit family" but a toxic person that you shouldn't allow to mistreat you.

 

[lauradis]

The family member our family has basically cut off... We do talk to her when she contacts us but we don't plan or do things with her, nor do we contact her.

I guess we are still holding out hope that she will grow up or take the right meds.

The last straw for me was the last time she ( our cousin) stole from my sister. Our grandparents always gave us grandchildren small presents at any family gathering, a lot of the times it was the same item. The last present was a book, with special message inside and $100 bill. I watched my sister take the book and put it in her suitcase and put the $100 bill in her wallet. Fast forward to the next day, we all went to see a movie together. My sister opened her wallet to pay for ticket and no $100 bill???? When we got home she was sure it was just lost. Everyone searched and then my grandfather called us into the room to tell us he found the lost $100 bill in our cousin wallet folded and tuck behind a picture. He knew it was my sisters because he marked all the bills by our birth order (a silly thing he has been doing since the beginning of time lol). Her answer was sorry, I didn't mean to do it.

Her sister cut her off less then 3 years ago. Lets just say, don't call you sister and beg her to fly down and sit at your death bed and then post status update on FB of your self on the beach sun tanning, when your not on your death bed nor dying. What makes this lie so horrible, it was 2ish weeks after the 5th anniversary date of their mother's death for breast cancer.

 

[maymom96]

I have cut a great deal of family out of my life. I am ending the dysfunction cycle and don't feel guilty about it. I watched my mother cry after every family function because of how her siblings treated her. Even after my aunt stole everything from my grandmother and abused her, my mom continues to try to have a relationship with her sister. No thank you!
I have a limited relationship with my mom and sister. They greatly hurt me when they went on vacation with the person who molested me as a child. No explanation from them can take away the hurt I felt knowing they slept in the same house, did activities with and spent time with the monster who violated me as a child. The message sent is that they don't believe me. So while I still have a relationship with them, it's not close and it's under my terms.