What is with the trend toward extravagant weddings

[DisneyBamaFan]

...Given that I live in a different country than I was raised in--and have lived in another one as well as well as in many US states--and my parents live in yest another country and I love learning about the different ways of doing things in these various places I truly do not think I am someone who can be accused of seeing all things different as bad or worse. I rarely do. But, from what I can gather of this practice from what you have shared here it does mean friends treat each other differently depending on income level and everyone is okay with that--and to me that is a bad sort of different or at least one I am happy not to be a part of--and I am usually very much wanting to be a part of the local culture (some different is worse--like how women are treated in some countries--not that this is anywhere near this level; just trying to give an example most of us here can agree on). But I might be misunderstanding, which is why I am asking.

If that is the case, then you will have noted my comment in an earlier post that close friends and family that cannot afford the standard gift are often told not to sweat it. They still come, but give what they can afford. Most close friends attend these weddings, even if they are still college kids with no job.

There are no "rules", just guidelines. But, to be clear, the mother of my wife's friend would not have understood, so my wife and I (we were still dating at the time) chose not to go so as to keep her friend from having a war with her mother over our gift. She is the type of woman that "keeps score". She actually wrote down all of the gift amounts and is using it as a guideline for how much to give to their family at weddings, even if they have smaller affairs. She is still working from that list nearly 15 years later.

 

[mjkacmom]

So is this the case in NJ as well--or do you just socialize a lot with people from Long Island?

Well, I do have friends and family there, but it's more of a NYC metro area thing - people who live in the city, or move to areas that are good commuting distance from the city.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Well, if they were offended they would be free to return the gift to me with not questions asked and no hard feelings on my part.

Nah, you would just go on "the list".

 

[mjkacmom]

She actually wrote down all of the gift amounts and is using it as a guideline for how much to give to their family at weddings, even if they have smaller affairs. She is still working from that list nearly 15 years later.

LOL - our whole family keeps track. No one wants to look like the cheapskate (and no one has money problems - obviously, no one would expect a large amount if they had).

 

[NHdisneylover]

If that is the case, then you will have noted my comment in an earlier post that close friends and family that cannot afford the standard gift are often told not to sweat it. They still come, but give what they can afford. Most close friends attend these weddings, even if they are still college kids with no job.

There are no "rules", just guidelines. But, to be clear, the mother of my wife's friend would not have understood, so my wife and I (we were still dating at the time) chose not to go so as to keep her friend from having a war with her mother over our gift. She is the type of woman that "keeps score". She actually wrote down all of the gift amounts and is using it as a guideline for how much to give to their family at weddings, even if they have smaller affairs. She is still working from that list nearly 15 years later.

OKay thank you--as to the bolded, sorry no I missed that all I remember is that you and your wife were "magnanimous" about gifts but not everyone else is (sorry that description really stuck in my head) Okay--if most people are nice about it and just one friend's wacky mother really keeps score I can understand the idea that most people just follow the guideline but most people would not hold a grudge if a small gift came in either--thank you for clarifying.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well, I do have friends and family there, but it's more of a NYC metro area thing - people who live in the city, or move to areas that are good commuting distance from the city.

Interesting and thanks for the answer.
Yes I am now hoping neither of my kids falls for a New Yorker (city) because i will never figure this out (nor have we budgeted for throwing such an extravagant wedding).

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

OKay thank you--as to the bolded, sorry no I missed that all I remember is that you and your wife were "magnanimous" about gifts but not everyone else is (sorry that description really stuck in my head) Okay--if most people are nice about it and just one friend's wacky mother really keeps score I can understand the idea that most people just follow the guideline but most people would not hold a grudge if a small gift came in either--thank you for clarifying.

Well, to be completely honest, more than one wacky mom keeps score, but that is another discussion.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well, to be completely honest, more than one wacky mom keeps score, but that is another discussion.

As long as others see them as wacky and not Miss Manners it makes sense to me

 

[Scurvy]

I have also noticed that weddings seem to be getting more and more elaborate, and I agree that in some cases it seems to be because people are trying to one-up each other, just as they do with Sweet Sixteen parties or any other type of party. I don't care how elaborate or simple someone's wedding is. If the couple is having the kind of wedding they want, and they are trying to cater to their guests' comfort, then I think that's all that matters, regardless of whether the wedding is simple or extremely elaborate. If they are having an elaborate wedding simply to impress other people, I find that to be superficial and sad.

I think everyone should have the wedding that they want and that they can afford. I personally think it's foolish to go heavily into debt to finance a wedding, and I think it's absolutely terrible to expect your guests to help to cover the cost of your wedding. (From an etiquette perspective, that one is particularly egregious, whether it's for a wedding or any other party.) But assuming that neither of those things are happening, I couldn't care less whether the couple is spending a fortune or a pittance.

I also don't adjust what I give the couple because of the expense of the reception. What they get is based on how close we are as friends (or family). If a close friend has a reception at the local Chicken Shack and a more distant friend rents out the Magic Kingdom the Chicken Shack folks would get the bigger gift because they are the closer friend.

That's how I decide what gift to give, as well. If the couple from the MK wedding was offended because I didn't give them "enough", they wouldn't have to worry about inviting me to anything in the future. I don't need friends who are that greedy. I want people to invite me to their event because they want me there, not because they want my money. And if they can't afford to invite me unless I "cover my plate", then they at least need to be honest about it and just openly charge admission to their wedding, instead of assuming that everyone will know they're expected to cough up enough money for the privilage of attending.

 

[Jennasis]

I am attending my older sister's wedding next week. It's her second (she's the sister who had fireworks set off from the tables at her first wedding). She is trying to plan this second wedding to be simple, fun, etc. My MOM OTOH is constantly trying to add things on (some of you may remember the thread I posted last week about the cupcake wedding cake debacle).

Maybe it's a regional or generational thing? I cannot for the life of me fathom why my mom keeps trying to "UP" or plus my sister's wedding. Mom keeps complaining that without xy and z the party isn't "wedding-y" enough. Poor sister just wants to keep it simple. FTR Mom offers to pay for the add-ons but my sister just doesn't want them.

It's her wedding to do with as she pleases right?

 

[NHdisneylover]

I am attending my older sister's wedding next week. It's her second (she's the sister who had fireworks set off from the tables at her first wedding). She is trying to plan this second wedding to be simple, fun, etc. My MOM OTOH is constantly trying to add things on (some of you may remember the thread I posted last week about the cupcake wedding cake debacle).

Maybe it's a regional or generational thing? I cannot for the life of me fathom why my mom keeps trying to "UP" or plus my sister's wedding. Mom keeps complaining that without xy and z the party isn't "wedding-y" enough. Poor sister just wants to keep it simple. FTR Mom offers to pay for the add-ons but my sister just doesn't want them.

It's her wedding to do with as she pleases right?

She is paying for it so YES (and if not still yes to a degree--especially when turning down additional costs). However, I have seen many moms (all over) who act this way--she can join the wacky list

 

[NotUrsula]

I am attending my older sister's wedding next week. It's her second (she's the sister who had fireworks set off from the tables at her first wedding). She is trying to plan this second wedding to be simple, fun, etc. My MOM OTOH is constantly trying to add things on (some of you may remember the thread I posted last week about the cupcake wedding cake debacle).

Maybe it's a regional or generational thing? I cannot for the life of me fathom why my mom keeps trying to "UP" or plus my sister's wedding. Mom keeps complaining that without xy and z the party isn't "wedding-y" enough. Poor sister just wants to keep it simple. FTR Mom offers to pay for the add-ons but my sister just doesn't want them.

It's her wedding to do with as she pleases right?

It is, and also a denominational thing. An extended family member of mine converted from Catholicism to a Christian Fundamentalist denomination, and the norm in that particular church is the punch and cake style always held at the church hall. Her mother was terribly embarassed that the guests were not being offered the equivalent of a meal, and she went around to each and every guest and apologized for not feeding them. All of them except our family being members of this church, they thought she was out of her mind.

Another family member married into a Baptist family, and her Baptist MIL was fond of telling the story of the time as a teen that she attended an Italian wedding and was given alcohol-laced punch. She had ridden a horse to the wedding (it was in the country at the turn of the last century), and apparently she fell off the horse about a dozen times on the way home and had no clue why, until her father smelled the alcohol on her breath and caned her as punishment for drinking.

 

[wnissen]

To my mind there's a crucial distinction between extravagance for spectacle's sake and extravagance for the enjoyment of the guests. Some friends of ours booked a real band for their wedding; one with a half dozen studio albums that has toured around the world. Extravagant? Heck yes. No wedding needs a band of that caliber to be enjoyable. At the same time, it was wonderful to have a private concert in a scenic riverfront setting.

Having a wedding someplace extra fancy, with ornate decor, and tons of extras does not seem to be in good taste. Leave it for the actual royalty who, as pointed out above, are representing a country. There is much virtue in a celebration where one does not presume to be a pricess.

As for an expectation that one's gift would cover any fraction of the wedding cost, there is one word for it: revolting.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...There is much virtue in a celebration where one does not presume to be a princess...

My wife is as much a princess than any "royalty" walking the planet. There is no such thing as "royal" blood. And people in power are no better than you or I. Actually, considering all of the inbreeding, they are probably a sight worse.

 

[focusondisney]

And people in power are no better than you or I. Actually, considering all of the inbreeding, they are probably a sight worse.

Probably the best quote of the whole thread!!

 

[EMom]

To be fair, I hope you don't automatically judge people as not focusing on making a successful marriage just because they go "all out" for their wedding reception.

It bothers me when I've had people judge me as being shallow because I have a bling engagement ring/wedding band. My dad's goal was to make me a princess for a day, with all the trimmings, not to keep up with the Jonses, but because I was his little girl and he wanted me to have whatever I wanted for this day that would be the start of the rest of my married life.

I've been married 27 years and I have the awesome memories of an extravagant wedding AS WELL AS having kept focused on the marriage which has been going strong for 27 years now. Please don't automatically negatively judge those who have wedding with aall the bells and whistles. Speaking for myself, I don't deserve the criticism (I know no one here is criticizing me, but I've heard smart-butt remarks a feew times over the years from people who foiund out about my wedding. It's just wrong, and sort of discrimination against people who can afford it and want it.

Absolutely not! My comments are not so much about big/fancy/blowout weddings as they are about people having such weddings when they cannot afford to do so. If a couple has the money for a huge budget or the parents do, go for it if that is what makes you happy. As I said, I hope to give our DD a lovely wedding someday. "Fancier" than ours because she's our one and only and we dote on her. And we have a lot more money than my family ever did. And BTW, my ring is reasonably blingy too.

Really, I have two concerns. First, it's downright stupid and irresponsible to spend thousands/tens of thousands on a wedding IF you cannot afford it. Is that my business? Maybe, maybe not. People who will go into massive debt because they "deserve" their dream wedding even though they can't begin to pay for it tend to be the same people who buy homes, cars, clothes, jewelry, etc. they cannot afford and eventually cannot pay for.....And in the end, that does affect all of us. It will somehow have an economic impact on us. And I was taught (and am teaching my child) that you can't have everything you want. You have to be able to afford it or you don't get it. You have to work to earn it and there is no such thing as "I deserve it."

The second concern is focusing on the wedding to the exclusion of the marriage. Big mistake.

Not long after we married, a couple we were thick with got married. (We're all still married over two decades later.) She was Daddy's Little Girl and he and his wife had been planning nothing less than the best for her since the day she was born. They're very down to earth people, but had done well financially and wanted to celebrate the occasion with a wedding to remember. Yes, they had a blowout wedding, but the wedding was not the be all and end all to them. The marriage was and they knew that. That's what I mean by having priorities straight. The wedding is the path by which you make it to marriage. The path can be simple or elaborate, but the path is not the goal......it is simply the way you get to where you're going.

There is no crime in having an extravagant wedding, so long as the couple is focused on the marriage and not the wedding as the goal. (And they can afford it.) But sadly, I see too many women today (and yes, I partly blame all those ridiculous TV shows) who don't seem to be thinking even ONE DAY past the wedding. It's as if the wedding is the end of a book and there's a big "THE END" or "HAPPILY EVER AFTER" at the conclusion of the reception when in fact, the wedding is just the BEGINNING. That kind of thinking is a recipe for disaster. Maybe if those stinking TV shows did follow ups that shadowed the newlyweds for a year or two and people were able to see the reality of what happens when you don't put in much thought toward what marriage will be like, it would be helpful. It would be educational, at a minimum.

Now, does that mean a couple who has a swell-elegant wedding is doomed to fail at marriage? Nope. Not at all. But a couple who is going into massive debt for such a wedding is already setting themselves up for tension, resentment and stress vs. the couple who was able to afford that same wedding. Not good. And the bride who cannot or will not think past her wedding day (IMHO) probably doesn't stand as good a chance of reaching her silver wedding anniversary as the bride who is happy and excited about her wedding, but is even more excited about being married to this wonderful man and making a life with him.

The two weddings may look the same, but I don't think the one that was built on major debt has as good a chance as the one that was affordable....even if "affordable" was a ton of money.....affordable just means they could pay for it. And of two identical weddings, I believe the one with the better chance of success is the one with a bride (a couple, really) who is focused more on the marriage than the wedding....even if the wedding is an extravagant one.

In your case, it sounds as if you were in much the same situation as our friends. A daddy's girl who was going to get a fantastic wedding, but Daddy could afford it. And you knew the wedding was not the end goal...the marriage was. Daddy didn't lose his house or his 401K because of your wedding and you didn't wake up on the honeymoon saying, "Oh crap! What now?" I joke, but it happens all too often......

 

[Aisling]

My wife is as much a princess than any "royalty" walking the planet. There is no such thing as "royal" blood. And people in power are no better than you or I. Actually, considering all of the inbreeding, they are probably a sight worse.

I totally agree with this! I honestly can't understand how people think extravagance is for royalty (or heads of state)! Sorry to laugh, but it really is funny. Just because you see yourself as beneath royalty doesn't mean we all do. I had an opulent wedding, not to show off, but to have the wedding princess experience. And I didn't even wear a tiara, as so many brides today do. Someone needs to tell them they're treading too close to Princess Diana's wedding!

.

 

[Aisling]

Really, I have two concerns. First, it's downright stupid and irresponsible to spend thousands/tens of thousands on a wedding IF you cannot afford it. Is that my business? Maybe, maybe not. People who will go into massive debt because they "deserve" their dream wedding even though they can't begin to pay for it tend to be the same people who buy homes, cars, clothes, jewelry, etc. they cannot afford and eventually cannot pay for.....And in the end, that does affect all of us.

I ABSOLUTELY agree with you. If we couldn't afford it, my father would have never gone into debt over it. And I'd agree with him 100%!!!

 

[NHdisneylover]

Hi Aisling--I see you are from NYC also do you mind further enlightening me on the cover your plate thing?
Was the approximate cost per head of your wedding made clear to guests (by you or your family or however it is done--I assume it is a word of mouth kind of thing) with the intent of alerting them to what type of gift was expected?
Did you, or your family, expect guests to bring gifts that equaled the cost of their participation in the ceremony?
Did all (or nearly all) guests do so (regardless of your expectation being there or not)?
Because nothing you have said at all on this thread makes me think you would have--but then maybe it is just so taken for granted in your area?

 

[aprilgail2]

This is hardly a new trend in my circles.

Not new here either

!

ETA - $150 a head is about average here, and many spend more.

I think at this point you are getting a bargain if you can do a wedding at a catering hall for 150 a head!

ITA with the original post.

Whatever happened to just having peanuts, mints, and punch on a table in the middle of the room? Plus, you're gonna get some cake too.

"

I have only once in my 47 years been to a wedding that had nuts, mints and punch and that was down south in Virginia--- drove all the way down there and spent the entire time waiting to leave so we could go out and get some real food! We are from Long Island-when invited to a wedding you just expect you are getting some type of meal so no one would think to eat BEFORE going to a wedding-heck you want to save room for the cocktail hour, carving stations, hor dourves, pasta station etc that they have before they serve your meal!.... That reception was in the basement of a church that my family stil refers to as the "hell hole wedding" because it was in July- no air conditioning and hot as heck down in that basement!!