What is with the trend toward extravagant weddings

[jrmasm]

I really don't care what you spend on your wedding but don't expect a more expensive gift just because you spent $200 per head.

And if you have 15 bridesmaids, 500 people at your wedding and arrive in a glass carriage pulled by 22 matching, prancing steeds don't expect me to pay for my drinks.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I really don't care what you spend on your wedding but don't expect a more expensive gift just because you spent $200 per head.

I agree with this (though I have only ever seen such expectations on the DIS). I tend to give nicer gifts to couples who are low on funds and have basic weddings because that is what they can afford--I figure they need the items more.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

I really don't care what you spend on your wedding but don't expect a more expensive gift just because you spent $200 per head.

I actually just RSVP'd no to a wedding because we couldn't afford the gift/plate ratio! Sad, isnt it? (I'm talking big buckaroos here..at least $500 would be expected.)

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I actually just RSVP'd no to a wedding because we couldn't afford the gift/plate ratio! Sad, isnt it? (I'm talking big buckaroos here..at least $500 would be expected.)

It isn't sad, it is a fact of life. I am sure that the couple understands. When we were younger, we refused a few wedding invitations for this reason. We still attended the wedding service and gave a gift, but didn't go to the reception. In other words, we were there for them at the actual wedding, and that is what matters the most.

 

[jrmasm]

I actually just RSVP'd no to a wedding because we couldn't afford the gift/plate ratio! Sad, isnt it? (I'm talking big buckaroos here..at least $500 would be expected.)

No, the bolded part is sad.

 

[NHdisneylover]

It isn't sad, it is a fact of life. I am sure that the couple understands. When we were younger, we refused a few wedding invitations for this reason. We still attended the wedding service and gave a gift, but didn't go to the reception. In other words, we were there for them at the actual wedding, and that is what matters the most.

I don't get this. Wasn't it you who talked earlier about your wedding having been a gift to your guests and the best (or most memorable or something like that) day of many of your family's lives If you threw this huge, extravagant affair for the reason you earlier stated (because it is something you could afford and wanted to do FOR your friends and family) then why would you expect to get a big gift in return for this? Or maybe YOU didn't expect a gift, but then why would you assume others who invite you to their weddings would?

 

[Nennie]

I had a "huge" "extravagant" wedding. It was a gift from my parents, and I really appreciated it. (I'm also from New Jersey, nuff said! LOL!)

I've been to many small, inexpensive weddings and they were lovely, and I had a great time. I don't look down my nose at them for having a small wedding, and would hope they don't look down on me for having a big wedding.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I don't get this. Wasn't it you who talked earlier about your wedding having been a gift to your guests and the best (or most memorable or something like that) day of many of your family's lives If you threw this huge, extravagant affair for the reason you earlier stated (because it is something you could afford and wanted to do FOR your friends and family) then why would you expect to get a big gift in return for this? Or maybe YOU didn't expect a gift, but then why would you assume others who invite you to their weddings would?

I didn't expect a cent in return, but I am a Bama boy who married a Long Island girl. We asked for and expected nothing from our guests. But not every couple/family is that magnanimous.

We were invited to one wedding that had a cost, per plate, of over $500. The family let it be known, and the reason was that they expected their daughter to get gifts to cover that cost - even though the parents were RICH and were paying every cent. We were saving for our own wedding, so couldn't afford to cover the $1k gift, so we didn't attend the reception. Everyone understood, and no one was insulted. My wife is still great friends with the bride.

Things are different on Long Island when it comes to weddings (and a whole lot of other things ). The expectation is that you cover the cost of your plate. Sometimes close friends and relatives are told not to sweat it, but that is the general expectation. At least, it was for the 30+ weddings that we were invited to attend over the years.

Edited to add: Most of my family is poor. Almost none would have been able to attend if we expected gifts equal to the cost of their plates. My wife and I even flew a few up, as they couldn't afford the airfare and didn't have cars that could make the trip. For us, it was a gift from us to them. Perhaps that is why my family remains so appreciative of that event in their lives.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I didn't expect a cent in return, but I am a Bama boy who married a Long Island girl. We asked for and expected nothing from our guests. But not every couple/family is that magnanimous.

We were invited to one wedding that had a cost, per plate, of over $500. The family let it be known, and the reason was that they expected their daughter to get gifts to cover that cost - even though the parents were RICH and were paying every cent. We were saving for our own wedding, so couldn't afford to cover the $1k gift, so we didn't attend the reception. Everyone understood, and no one was insulted. My wife is still great friends with the bride.

Things are different on Long Island when it comes to weddings (and a whole lot of other things ). The expectation is that you cover the cost of your plate. Sometimes close friends and relatives are told not to sweat it, but that is the general expectation. At least, it was for the 30+ weddings that we were invited to attend over the years.

Well then I guess I am just glad I don't live on Long Island where it is apparently considered "magnanimous" to "host" a wedding and not expect payment (in the form of a gift with a set value). In my world it is just considered being a host. Hosts throw the party with no expectation of ANY payment in return and are gracious and happy about any gift they do receive and most especially about any gift whoch seems to truly come from the heart (no matter the monetary value). I am sorry to anyone from Long Island (or elsewhere) if this offend you--I guess I just truly do not get the culture in this part of the US
Does it work this way for otehr events like birthday parties too I spend a lot on parties for my kids because i like to throw them and they like to host them but we still get typical gifts (which is FINE) and a few times a child has come without a gift which was also FINE (the kids' concerns each time were that no one notice and make fun of the empty handed child).

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...Does it work this way for otehr events like birthday parties too I spend a lot on parties for my kids because i like to throw them and they like to host them but we still get typical gifts (which is FINE) and a few times a child has come without a gift which was also FINE (the kids' concerns each time were that no one notice and make fun of the empty handed child).

As far as I know, only weddings.

The thing to remember - almost everyone benefits from this. We were married on Long Island, so our Long Island friends didn't give us less because we expected less. So no one loses out (unless they never get married or have children that get married), and young couples have a great start at life with the money received. People don't do it this way because they are greedy. It is just the way it is. People from Long Island are just a nice as people from Alabama.

 

[NHdisneylover]

As far as I know, only weddings.

The thing to remember - almost everyone benefits from this. We were married on Long Island, so our Long Island friends didn't give us less because we expected less. So no one loses out (unless they never get married or have children that get married), and young couples have a great start at life with the money received. People don't do it this way because they are greedy. It is just the way it is. People from Long Island are just a nice as people from Alabama.

So people in Long Island are just as nice as people in Alabama just not as magnanimous (sorry I just couldn't resist).

To the bolded: but the friends would have given you less had you spent less on the party?

I am not seeing how (almost) everyone benefits from this. People who cannot afford to throw such a big affair get crappy presents but still have to to give nice gifts or else miss out on their friends really import occasion? Does no one in Long Island have friends in a different income bracket than themselves. And boy if I were single with no plans to marry I would be fuming. Oh, and what if a Long Islander gets married in, say Alabama? Do you still get the gifts? NOT that I think it should be a tit for tat thing anyway--which is what bugs me so much. Seriously not trying to be rude--just trying to understated the rationale behind this totally weird (to me) set of wedding expectations that are apparently par for the course in Long Island.

 

[Liberty Belle]

LOL - the weddings you are describing are way too low key to happen around here. Decorations? You have your reception in upscale venues, with flowers alone costing thousands of dollars. And no need to wrangle the kids, because they're home with a sitter. Cocktail hour with a raw bar, passed food, tons of choices, and then on to a many course sit-down dinner. Mmm - I'm making myself hungry!

ETA - $150 a head is about average here, and many spend more.

Is everyone wealthy in your town? If not, what do the people with lower incomes do? Do they not get married? Just elope?

Here we see all kinds of weddings, depending on life style, income, and bride and grooms desires.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

So people in Long Island are just as nice as people in Alabama just not as magnanimous (sorry I just couldn't resist)...

Purposely taken out of context, but to make a joke, so I'll let it slide. I have made it clear that I think that Long Islanders are as nice as any others that I have met, including those from my home state in the deep South.

I am not seeing how (almost) everyone benefits from this. People who cannot afford to throw such a big affair get crappy presents but still have to to give nice gifts or else miss out on their friends really import occasion? Does no one in Long Island have friends in a different income bracket than themselves. And boy if I were single with no plans to marry I would be fuming. Oh, and what if a Long Islander gets married in, say Alabama? Do you still get the gifts? NOT that I think it should be a tit for tat thing anyway--which is what bugs me so much.

I would try to explain further but you don't really seem to want to understand. If I can get it, coming from a very different culture, anyone can get it. You just have to open your mind to the notion that different doesn't mean better or worse - it just means different.

 

[mjkacmom]

Is everyone wealthy in your town? If not, what do the people with lower incomes do? Do they not get married? Just elope?

Here we see all kinds of weddings, depending on life style, income, and bride and grooms desires.

I don't think everyone here is wealthy, but the average home price is $450,000, and average property taxes are $10,000, so it's a higher COL. $150 here is worth much less than $150 in other areas. I've been to weddings that were "wow," and some more modest, but they pretty much follow the same format. Every wedding I've ever attended here has been a traditional NYC metro area wedding. I'm just stating my personal experience.

 

[mjkacmom]

Purposely taken out of context, but to make a joke, so I'll let it slide. I have made it clear that I think that Long Islanders are as nice as any others that I have met, including those from my home state in the deep South. I would try to explain further but you don't really seem to want to understand. If I can get it, coming from a very different culture, anyone can get it. You just have to open your mind to the notion that different doesn't mean better or worse - it just means different.

Your NJ neighbor here gets it!

 

[FireDancer]

Interesting twist this thread has taken.

Anyway, I have some friends who had expensive wedding paid for by their parents and others who had something low key because they didn't have a lot of money to spend on what is essentially a big party. I don't think any more of people with big weddings or less of people with small weddings. I do think a lot of people try to show up people or at least keep up, and that just seems silly to me. If you want a big party then have it but don't just have it to keep up with the Joneses. It is supposed to be about the marriage anyway, not the party.

I also don't adjust what I give the couple because of the expense of the reception. What they get is based on how close we are as friends (or family). If a close friend has a reception at the local Chicken Shack and a more distant friend rents out the Magic Kingdom the Chicken Shack folks would get the bigger gift because they are the closer friend.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Purposely taken out of context, but to make a joke, so I'll let it slide. I have made it clear that I think that Long Islanders are as nice as any others that I have met, including those from my home state in the deep South. I would try to explain further but you don't really seem to want to understand. If I can get it, coming from a very different culture, anyone can get it. You just have to open your mind to the notion that different doesn't mean better or worse - it just means different.

To your first point--thank you for understanding it was just a joke. It is good to ligthen the mood once in a while you know.

To your second--yes I am truly trying to get it. I really do not know--would someone from a poor family just be excluded from all wedding celebrations and no one would care

Given that I live in a different country than I was raised in--and have lived in another one as well as well as in many US states--and my parents live in yest another country and I love learning about the different ways of doing things in these various places I truly do not think I am someone who can be accused of seeing all things different as bad or worse. I rarely do. But, from what I can gather of this practice from what you have shared here it does mean friends treat each other differently depending on income level and everyone is okay with that--and to me that is a bad sort of different or at least one I am happy not to be a part of--and I am usually very much wanting to be a part of the local culture (some different is worse--like how women are treated in some countries--not that this is anywhere near this level; just trying to give an example most of us here can agree on). But I might be misunderstanding, which is why I am asking.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Interesting twist this thread has taken.

Anyway, I have some friends who had expensive wedding paid for by their parents and others who had something low key because they didn't have a lot of money to spend on what is essentially a big party. I don't think any more of people with big weddings or less of people with small weddings. I do think a lot of people try to show up people or at least keep up, and that just seems silly to me. If you want a big party then have it but don't just have it to keep up with the Joneses. It is supposed to be about the marriage anyway, not the party.

I also don't adjust what I give the couple because of the expense of the reception. What they get is based on how close we are as friends (or family). If a close friend has a reception at the local Chicken Shack and a more distant friend rents out the Magic Kingdom the Chicken Shack folks would get the bigger gift because they are the closer friend.

If I understand Bama correctly this attitude (with which I fully agree--except as noted I may be inclined to go a bit higher for couples I know are struggling, who are often also couples who would have a low key wedding, but it is not because of the low key wedding) would offend Magic Kingdom renters from Long Island--but I may be confused, thus my questions

 

[NHdisneylover]

Your NJ neighbor here gets it!

So is this the case in NJ as well--or do you just socialize a lot with people from Long Island?

 

[FireDancer]

If I understand Bama correctly this attitude (with which I fully agree--except as noted I may be inclined to go a bit higher for couples I know are struggling, who are often also couples who would have a low key wedding, but it is not because of the low key wedding) would offend Magic Kingdom renters from Long Island--but I may be confused, thus my questions

Well, if they were offended they would be free to return the gift to me with no questions asked and no hard feelings on my part.