What is with the trend toward extravagant weddings

[punkin]

I had a big expensive New York wedding. Most of my relatives "covered their plates". Some could not afford to and I was happy just to have them there (my grand-uncle in particular-I think he gave $10 or something like that). I did not plan a wedding from childhood. I had no wedding fantasies. I dated my DH for 7 years before we got married and I was in no hurry to marry. I decided on a big wedding because I just wanted a nice party like all my cousins had and that's what I got. I wanted all my relatives there to share my happy day, and yes I hope it was a highlight for them. I paid for everything myself other than my dress, which my mother covered. A good time was had by all and I did not go into debt. I just skimped on my honeymoon, which consisted of a long road trip from NYC to West Virginia.

Everyone is happy with what they are used to. If I was invited to a "church basement" wedding with nothing to eat or drink but punch and mints, I would be seriously shocked. I have never seen anything like that and I have been to some very frugal (but nice) weddings.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I had a big expensive New York wedding. Most of my relatives "covered their plates". Some could not afford to and I was happy just to have them there (my grand-uncle in particular-I think he gave $10 or something like that). I did not plan a wedding from childhood. I had no wedding fantasies. I dated my DH for 7 years before we got married and I was in no hurry to marry. I decided on a big wedding because I just wanted a nice party like all my cousins had and that's what I got. I wanted all my relatives there to share my happy day, and yes I hope it was a highlight for them. I paid for everything myself other than my dress, which my mother covered. A good time was had by all and I did not go into debt. I just skimped on my honeymoon, which consisted of a long road trip from NYC to West Virginia.

Everyone is happy with what they are used to. If I was invited to a "church basement" wedding with nothing to eat or drink but punch and mints, I would be seriously shocked. I have never seen anything like that and I have been to some very frugal (but nice) weddings.

It sounds you had a lovely wedding that was what it should be

Funny about your last part though: I have been to a punch and cookies on folding chairs at the VFW wedding , a nicest wedding this town has seen in a decade (which, being that it was in Iowa was very nice but I am still sure not that far off from normal from what it sounds like the NYC weddings are), a causal wedding outside on the North Shore with a reception there on the beach and a big fancy dinner in Hononlulu the night before, a wedding where a ballroom was rented out and a Rockibilly band played until 3 in the morning, a small affair in a restaurant, a pot luck on the groom's family's ranch, a NYE wedding held at my house--the grooms asked because we had a big house and nearly all their friends were also friends of ours and knew the way, and several more "typical" weddings. I have always figured each wedding is an expression of the couple getting married and their circumstances and have not really thought to ever expect one to be anything like another--maybe it is just because it happened that the first several I went to were all very different from each other

 

[NotUrsula]

It sounds you had a lovely wedding that was what it should be

Funny about your last part though: I have been to a punch and cookies on folding chairs at the VFW wedding , a nicest wedding this town has seen in a decade (which, being that it was in Iowa was very nice but I am still sure not that far off from normal from what it sounds like the NYC weddings are), a causal wedding outside on the North Shore with a reception there on the beach and a big fancy dinner in Hononlulu the night before, a wedding where a ballroom was rented out and a Rockibilly band played until 3 in the morning, a small affair in a restaurant, a pot luck on the groom's family's ranch, a NYE wedding held at my house--the grooms asked because we had a big house and nearly all their friends were also friends of ours and knew the way, and several more "typical" weddings. I have always figured each wedding is an expression of the couple getting married and their circumstances and have not really thought to ever expect one to be anything like another--maybe it is just because it happened that the first several I went to were all very different from each other

The only people I've ever encountered who tend to have really rigid expectations about what will or will not happen at a wedding tended to either be Catholics or Jews from a major city in the Northeast, or working-class Southern Baptists from a small town in the South. IME, those communities are more likely to have such strong wedding tradtions that very few dare to buck them, so there are good odds that in a lifetime of weddings every one followed the same pattern.

I grew up in the South, and there is definitely a religious divide there in terms of wedding customs. That's about as far as predictability will go, however. Once you've dealt with the issue of whether or not there may be alcohol and/or dancing, everything else is a new experience every time.
(For the most part, there is no "wedding hall" industry in the South. Venues do all kinds of parties, but it's very rare to find one that actually specializes in weddings to the general exclusion of other types of events.)

 

[luvsJack]

The only people I've ever encountered who tend to have really rigid expectations about what will or will not happen at a wedding tended to either be Catholics or Jews from a major city in the Northeast, or working-class Southern Baptists from a small town in the South. IME, those communities are more likely to have such strong wedding tradtions that very few dare to buck them, so there are good odds that in a lifetime of weddings every one followed the same pattern.

I grew up in the South, and there is definitely a religious divide there in terms of wedding customs. That's about as far as predictability will go, however. Once you've dealt with the issue of whether or not there may be alcohol and/or dancing, everything else is a new experience every time.
(For the most part, there is no "wedding hall" industry in the South. Venues do all kinds of parties, but it's very rare to find one that actually specializes in weddings to the general exclusion of other types of events.)

FYI: Now the Southern Baptists just have the reception somewhere besides the fellowship hall. All the dancing and drinking you could want! We have several old homes here that have opened up to be wedding/reception venues.

My niece (one of the ones I mentioned in a pp) had what she called a "Baptist" wedding and a "Catholic" reception. (hope no one takes offense, I am Baptist and thought the Catholic part was the best part) We had a blast. Her in laws are from New Orleans and REALLY know how to help put on a party. After she and her new husband left for the honeymoon, we all continued to party on!

 

[NotUrsula]

Oh, not always -- it depends on how long it takes to get rid of the Pastor. (There's a wink in that, folks. I trust we all know that most folks maintain the rules of their religion regardless of whether or not the pastor is present.)

My sister is a small-town wedding photographer, and our area's Baptist churches were not large enough to have their own halls. The VFW halls put in folding walls around the bar to get the Baptist business. I can remember the "Pastor Watch" that was a feature of nearly every Baptist wedding I ever worked in Louisiana -- someone would keep watch to make sure that the pastor was well and truly gone home before they unlocked the folding wall and cranked up the dance music. There was one minister in particular who used to deliberately "forget" something at the reception in order to come back 15 minutes later and check up. Most of the Baptists did indeed abstain from the alcohol, but the dancing was another matter.

Some small towns have old gracious homes that can be used for special occasions, but a lot of them don't. The VFW is often as stylish as it gets.

 

[Aisling]

Hi Aisling--I see you are from NYC also do you mind further enlightening me on the cover your plate thing?

I rarely ever know how much it is per plate, so I just estimate as best as I can. No one knew the cost at my wedding, either. It's not a "rule", bit it's the custom around here to at least cover your plate if you can. I never heard of any bride caring if the guest didn't cover their plate. It's something the guests choose to do. Nothing expected. The brides I know are having too much fun to care, and after the wedding they're thinking of their honeymoon!

Sure, you can't assume . . . but you also can't pretend that a whole lot of brides just want to have the big party and aren't putting all that much effort into the idea of preparing for marriage. .

Wow, you're sure assuming something huge about what's in the minds of a "whole lot of brides".

I'm not pretending anything. I'm sure there are brides who only care about the wedding and not much on the marriage, but I'd bet they are in the minority. The old steroetype that a bride with an extravagant wedding cares more about the fanfare than the marriage is rubbish. While preparing for the wedding, and during the wedding, of course that's her focus, especially if she's having a big wedding. But to judge that after the wedding she's not prepared for marriage is presumtuous and reeks of jealousy.

The way I see it, the couple "benefits" at their own wedding, but then they pay for it (by being obligated to give at other weddings) for the rest of their lives.[/

Again, rubbish. No one is "obligated". I gift big when I can and I don't when I can't. The same goes for the people I know. Everyone does indeed benefit from a big fancy wedding. I've gone to opulent wedding where the guests say "wow!" while they're enjoying the party. I have yet to be at a wedding where someone is criticizing the bells and whistles. If that's the kind of people you know, I'm glad they weren't at MY wedding...they should be in therapy to learn how deal with their problem which is WITHIN THEM and has nothing at all to do with the wedding. They're probably the same people who roll their eyes at someone buying an expensive car. Sad for them.

By the way, I love going to weddings, the backyard barbie type and the palace type.

 

[O RLY]

All I know is that personally I'd be happy with a a backyard cookout wedding. I couldn't imagine wasting my money on an extravagant wedding.

 

[Aisling]

All I know is that personally I'd be happy with a a backyard cookout wedding. I couldn't imagine wasting my money on an extravagant wedding.

The money spent on my wedding wasn't a waste. But I can understand others feeling it would be a waste for them.

 

[MrsPete]

FYI: Now the Southern Baptists just have the reception somewhere besides the fellowship hall. All the dancing and drinking you could want! We have several old homes here that have opened up to be wedding/reception venues.

My niece (one of the ones I mentioned in a pp) had what she called a "Baptist" wedding and a "Catholic" reception. (hope no one takes offense, I am Baptist and thought the Catholic part was the best part) We had a blast. Her in laws are from New Orleans and REALLY know how to help put on a party. After she and her new husband left for the honeymoon, we all continued to party on!

Yes, receptions here in the South are often held at old, historic homes -- just about every town has something along those lines. Also, vineyards are popular places for outdoor receptions. But the church fellowship hall as a reception location is not dead, especially when budget is an issue.

Wow, you're sure assuming something huge about what's in the minds of a "whole lot of brides".

I'm not pretending anything. I'm sure there are brides who only care about the wedding and not much on the marriage, but I'd bet they are in the minority. The old steroetype that a bride with an extravagant wedding cares more about the fanfare than the marriage is rubbish. While preparing for the wedding, and during the wedding, of course that's her focus, especially if she's having a big wedding. But to judge that after the wedding she's not prepared for marriage is presumtuous and reeks of jealousy.

I'm guessing that you're young and haven't seen enough brides put immense effort into a wedding . . . and then divorce within a year or two, often stating that they "just weren't ready" or they'd "married too young". I saw it first-hand with a couple high school and college friends. To say that it's just a stereotype is naive. You personally may've been wiser than these people, but they do exist.

Is this a huge number of people? Maybe not huge, but too many. Jealous of it? That'd be insane. I had a nice, though not over-the-top wedding -- it was exactly what I wanted, and we were able to buy a house the same week we were married -- but most importantly, my 20th wedding annivesary is coming up later this summer.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...I'm guessing that you're young and haven't seen enough brides put immense effort into a wedding . . . and then divorce within a year or two, often stating that they "just weren't ready" or they'd "married too young". I saw it first-hand with a couple high school and college friends. To say that it's just a stereotype is naive. You personally may've been wiser than these people, but they do exist...

IMO, you are making the mistake of confusing correlation with causation. I doubt very seriously that these marriages failed because of the effort/planning associated with their weddings and/or receptions.

 

[mjkacmom]

YesI'm guessing that you're young and haven't seen enough brides put immense effort into a wedding . . . and then divorce within a year or two, often stating that they "just weren't ready" or they'd "married too young". I saw it first-hand with a couple high school and college friends. To say that it's just a stereotype is naive. You personally may've been wiser than these people, but they do exist.
.

Well, I'm 43, and have yet to meet a couple that split up early on. Most of my high school and college friends have married, and one divorced after 12 years. Again, around here, weddings are pretty elaborate, and most marry in their late 20's.

 

[punkin]

Well, I'm 43, and have yet to meet a couple that split up early on. Most of my high school and college friends have married, and one divorced after 12 years. Again, around here, weddings are pretty elaborate, and most marry in their late 20's.

I only know of one couple who split early. They were clearly a special case from the very start. Everyone else went on to have children and the great majority are still married. All of us had big weddings where we actually fed our guests.

 

[FireDancer]

I doubt very seriously that these marriages failed because of the effort/planning associated with their weddings and/or receptions.

True, I highly doubt the success of the marriage is related to the cost of the reception unless the reception put them into bankruptcy.

One thing I did see first hand was a big wedding lead to a wedding that neither of the people getting married thought would last. The marriage lasted exactly 8 days (wedding, honeymoon, day after honeymoon annulment). While the marriage wouldn't have lasted even if they had eloped there is a chance that with a smaller wedding it would have been called off.

After everything fell apart we were talking with my friend and she admitted that they knew the marriage was a mistake but they already had paid so much for the hall, flowers, ect they just couldn't pull the trigger and cancel it. It was also harder for them to cancel it because it was a 3 city affair and people already had hotels and travel plans (they lived in DC, she is from here, he is from NYC).

In this situation, which is probably rare but not isolated to this one occasion, the large wedding while not causing a marriage to break up might have led to the wedding going ahead in the first place.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...In this situation, which is probably rare but not isolated to this one occasion, the large wedding while not causing a marriage to break up might have led to the wedding going ahead in the first place.

I know of one girl who backed out after everything was paid for. Her father was paying for everything, but she wasn't going to marry the guy after she caught him cheating. They decided to scale back a little with the cooperation of the hall and had a big party instead. I don't remember the theme, but it was a blast - though the father didn't pay for a "huge" wedding about 6 years later when the same daughter got married "for real". She still had a Long Island wedding, but not quite what she had planned the first time.

But I agree - when tens of thousands of dollars have been spent, there is pressure to go through with the event.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I rarely ever know how much it is per plate, so I just estimate as best as I can. No one knew the cost at my wedding, either. It's not a "rule", bit it's the custom around here to at least cover your plate if you can. I never heard of any bride caring if the guest didn't cover their plate. It's something the guests choose to do. Nothing expected. The brides I know are having too much fun to care, and after the wedding they're thinking of their honeymoon!

Thanks for the answer and the further clarification:goodvibe

Again, rubbish. No one is "obligated". I gift big when I can and I don't when I can't. The same goes for the people I know. Everyone does indeed benefit from a big fancy wedding. I've gone to opulent wedding where the guests say "wow!" while they're enjoying the party. I have yet to be at a wedding where someone is criticizing the bells and whistles. If that's the kind of people you know, I'm glad they weren't at MY wedding...they should be in therapy to learn how deal with their problem which is WITHIN THEM and has nothing at all to do with the wedding. They're probably the same people who roll their eyes at someone buying an expensive car. Sad for them.

To be fair to the poster you quoted--s/he was quoting disneybamafan who (very possibly unintentionally) made it truly sound like in Long Island people are EXPECTED to cover their plates ALWAYS at a wedding. He used as an example that he and his wife did not go to a good friend's wedding because they could not afford a $1000 gift which would have been required and when asked if he expected such gifts responded that no he and his wife did not but others are not as magnanimous as they are. He then posted the quote about everyone benefiting from the system. I agree with that poster that HAD the system Bama described been acurate that is a case of benefitting once and paying for ir for teh rest of your life as opposed to the actual system you and otherse have since described of throwing a lavish wedding because you want to and not caring about the gifts you receive but prefering to give gifts that cover your plate when you are able to and are on the giving end of things.
Oh, and for the record I do not htink you are young and jsut haven't seen couples split up. What an odd comment to make VERY few of my friends have split either--I guess we gravitate towards couples who really enjoy each others company as we do or something.

 

[Ember]

I think it has been more a "I wouldn't go into debt for THAT" which is slightly different. Personally I would not go into debt for a wedding, or anything of the things you listed (or a Disney--or other--vacation as referenced above). I am not big on debt though

Really? I think it is a lot of "I wouldn't waste money on that" type of thinking and comments. A selection of random quotes:

"I don't think I could justify even the really conservative budgets of $1-3k that I think could be money better spent. "

"I woulds rather that kind of money go towards my house or something a long term them that will benefit us for years to come and not just one day."

"Mom and Dad offered us a washer and dryer or the money they would have spent on one for a wedding. We chose door #1. The washer lasted 11 years and the dryer 13 years. They lasted longer than both of my cousin's high dollar weddings."

"Yadda yaddda yadda I get the "once in a lifetime" aspect"

"Having a wedding someplace extra fancy, with ornate decor, and tons of extras does not seem to be in good taste. Leave it for the actual royalty who, as pointed out above, are representing a country. There is much virtue in a celebration where one does not presume to be a princess."

"I couldn't imagine wasting my money on an extravagant wedding. "

It's seems easy to see why people feel like this:

You're not alone--weddings like mine have been criticized up one side and down the other on this board. While mine wasn't extravagant by some of these definitions (not by a long shot, LOL!), it wasn't a cake and punch type of affair either.

It always leaves me feeling like I need to justify my wedding, and I just don't think that's right. My parents gave us a generous amount of money for our wedding, and I saved additional money to add to that. I had the wedding of my dreams, and I don't regret it for a minute. By the same token, I don't begrudge anyone who chose a less expensive wedding--I've been to quite a few lovely cake and punch weddings that were a joy to attend.

DH and I were keenly aware that a marriage is about a lifetime together, and the wedding itself isn't at all what's most important. Just because our wedding celebration was important to us doesn't mean we don't know what's most important.

But really, even the people who only spent $500 on their wedding could be said to be wasteful. After all, technically all you need to do to get married is walk into a court house and sign a piece of paper and swear a short oath. There really is no practical reason to spent anything on a wedding (other than the license fee), if it's only the marriage that's important and not the pomp and ceremony of a wedding. So after the license, it's really only a matter of degree and personal preference as to what is wasteful.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Oh there have certainly been those comments--no doubt; I just don't feel that represents the majority of posters (there have also been a few very vocal posters). But I have not gone through and counted so I could be wrong.

 

[jodifla]

I'm OK with all weddings, as long as they don't pile up expenses on me beyond a gift. If you do a destination wedding, I may or may not be able to come.

What I think is too bad is people feeling pressured to keep up with the Joneses with shows like "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Bridezilla." It's easy to see that some brides get focused on the princess for a day aspect.

When and where I grew up, it was standard to have a church ceremony, and the reception in the church hall. It wasn't until I got to college in the '80s that I saw these elaborate sit-down affairs.

 

[Jennasis]

One thing I did see first hand was a big wedding lead to a wedding that neither of the people getting married thought would last. The marriage lasted exactly 8 days (wedding, honeymoon, day after honeymoon annulment). While the marriage wouldn't have lasted even if they had eloped there is a chance that with a smaller wedding it would have been called off.

After everything fell apart we were talking with my friend and she admitted that they knew the marriage was a mistake but they already had paid so much for the hall, flowers, ect they just couldn't pull the trigger and cancel it. It was also harder for them to cancel it because it was a 3 city affair and people already had hotels and travel plans (they lived in DC, she is from here, he is from NYC).

In this situation, which is probably rare but not isolated to this one occasion, the large wedding while not causing a marriage to break up might have led to the wedding going ahead in the first place.

I know of one girl who backed out after everything was paid for. Her father was paying for everything, but she wasn't going to marry the guy after she caught him cheating. They decided to scale back a little with the cooperation of the hall and had a big party instead. I don't remember the theme, but it was a blast - though the father didn't pay for a "huge" wedding about 6 years later when the same daughter got married "for real". She still had a Long Island wedding, but not quite what she had planned the first time.

But I agree - when tens of thousands of dollars have been spent, there is pressure to go through with the event.

Raises hand....

This was me at my first wedding. HUGE party (tons of fun) but I knew going in that I was making a mistake and that I shouldn't marry the guy. I was young and stupid and the party took on a life of it's own. So much money had been spent that I felt I couldn't walk away.

I left him 7 months later when the abuse kicked in.

 

[Aisling]

-- but most importantly, my 20th wedding annivesary is coming up later this summer.

And my 28th wedding anniversary is coming up this summer. So you see I've been to a "few" weddings in my time.

To be fair to the poster you quoted--s/he was quoting disneybamafan who (very possibly unintentionally) made it truly sound like in Long Island people are EXPECTED to cover their plates ALWAYS at a wedding.

My apologies to MrsPete. I'm sorry, I thought she was directing her comment at me.