What is an "average" inheritance?

[karice2]

These last few pages have been very interesting for me to read. I am in a situation where I am taking care of my dad. He is living with me and I am responsible for all of his care. He is 63 has congestive heart failure and is recovering from a stroke. We never thought he would get this sick because he was always very healthy. Biopsy that led to e.coli infection started all of this.

He is doing well now but cannot live on his own at this time. We are not sure if he will ever be able to live on his own. He does have a wife that is incapable of taking care of him and so he lives with me because I couldn't bear to have him unhappy in a rehab facility or nursing home.

Right now, I don't think that is the best decision for me or for him.

I am 35 and have decided that I will never have children or get married because of this experience. I love that my father is still here with me. We had an amazing relationship before he got sick but being 100% responsible for his care has put a strain on it that I am not sure we will ever recover. I don't ever want to be responsible for another human being again in life. Most of my personal relationships have suffered because I have to dedicate my life to taking care of him. Most days the only thing that I want is to eat a bowl of cereal and go to sleep but I have to make sure he eats and takes his medicine.

What I am saying is that for anyone who thinks people are heartless because they don't want to take on the responsibility for caring for their parents, consider the sacrifices that must be made for this to happen. In a sunshine rosy world, everything will be fine but most of the time there is a cost that is more than financial. The cost may be to your family life, your personal life and if you have children there is an impact to their lives as well.

 

[scrapquitler]

Household circumstances tend to be quite different than they were in the "olden days." If my father or MIL (both are 90) were going to move in with us, I'm not really that sure how much it would benefit them.

Dh and I both work and will be working for many more years. We have teenagers and we are rarely home in the evening, and have lots of activities and necessary errands that take us out of the house during the weekends.

The days of having someone, usually a woman, around to take care of the old folks is over for many families.

Absolutely. We are nearing the time when my Mom might need to move in with one of us (myself or one of my brothers) and my husband and I just had this exact realization...would it do a lot of good to move her in with one of us when none of us are really home that much? We all have kids, jobs, lots of activities...even if Mom moved in, she'd still be home alone most of the day/evening unless we took her everywhere with us.

 

[HM]

These last few pages have been very interesting for me to read. I am in a situation where I am taking care of my dad. He is living with me and I am responsible for all of his care. He is 63 has congestive heart failure and is recovering from a stroke. We never thought he would get this sick because he was always very healthy. Biopsy that led to e.coli infection started all of this.

He is doing well now but cannot live on his own at this time. We are not sure if he will ever be able to live on his own. He does have a wife that is incapable of taking care of him and so he lives with me because I couldn't bear to have him unhappy in a rehab facility or nursing home.

Right now, I don't think that is the best decision for me or for him.

I am 35 and have decided that I will never have children or get married because of this experience. I love that my father is still here with me. We had an amazing relationship before he got sick but being 100% responsible for his care has put a strain on it that I am not sure we will ever recover. I don't ever want to be responsible for another human being again in life. Most of my personal relationships have suffered because I have to dedicate my life to taking care of him. Most days the only thing that I want is to eat a bowl of cereal and go to sleep but I have to make sure he eats and takes his medicine.

What I am saying is that for anyone who thinks people are heartless because they don't want to take on the responsibility for caring for their parents, consider the sacrifices that must be made for this to happen. In a sunshine rosy world, everything will be fine but most of the time there is a cost that is more than financial. The cost may be to your family life, your personal life and if you have children there is an impact to their lives as well.

You are a great daughter! I am so sorry that this has affected your life so, though. You deserve to be happy too...and it sounds like you aren't. Remember to take care of yourself too! Hugs.

 

[crisi]

When my brother in law was dying of cancer, we tried to care for him in his home. It was impossible. We couldn't lift him to get him to the toilet. He wanted to die at home, but hospice was the only option we could manage. And he had a dozen people willing to take shifts and be there two at a time.

If its a matter of letting someone relatively independent move in with you, that's a whole different situation. Than someone who needs even light, but near constant, nursing care to use the bathroom, eat and get dressed.

 

[Colleen27]

I don't know . . . were you prepared to clean up your father's bathroom mishaps and wipe him and bathe him? My mother had to do that for years for my grandfather. She said it was the most humbling and draining experience of her life, and she's had some bad experiences. She also thought that he probably would have preferred to be in a nursing home than let his children see him that way. I guess I don't necessarily see putting the elderly in a nursing home as being "horrible" treatment...

So much depends on your resources, both emotional and financial. We cared for my grandmother until she died at 90. She had Alzheimers, diabetes, and several strokes and by the end yes, we were attending to her bathroom needs as well as other basic care like feeding her when she couldn't manage utensils independently. It was a very difficult experience, far moreso for my mother who moved in with her, but we toured several facilities and found that the places we could afford were places I wouldn't leave my dog. In-home care, where we knew she was well taken care of, was the best option even though it did mean covering nights and weekends ourselves.

 

[tvguy]

When my aunt had to go to a nursing home someone from the family visited with her every day. We found that made a huge difference in the type of care she received. It was really sad to see some of the people there who had no one checking in on them. .

This past year with my mom in the hospital, rehab center and now a board and care this is absolutely true. All three places commented on not only how nice it was for my mom to have someone there everyday, but how it helped the staff too, in case they had questions.
One of the ladies in the board and care today was saying she was 96, and was all alone because not only was her husband gone, and all her siblings and cousins, but all 3 of her children have passed on........all 3....in her words....having died from old age.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I really don't know. All three of my grandmothers out lived their husbands and used all their money to live on. I think my parents got a total of about $10,000 from my maternal gma and step gma. No idea what my dad got from his mother.

My parents had a hefty retirement account, but it's pretty much gone now, so we may inherit their home, but they may have to sell it before they die, too, so we'll probably just inherit things (furniture, etc).

Dh's mom has been a single mom since he was 13 and his sister in disabled, in a wheelchair, so whatever little amount of money she has and her home, no doubt will be left to Dh's sister.

 

[L&Lfan]

My sister and I each got a little over $400,000.00 upon my mother's death. My parents lived very frugally and each died at home with no long term care needed.

 

[barkley]

this thread is from almost 5 years ago but I think it's an interesting topic given some of the recent reports on the financial situations of average americans.

I just read a couple of articles about how despite bettering housing markets in some regions there are still lots of people who are upside down or have no real equity in their homes. combine this with losses in the value of retirement savings (i know lots of people who are still at lower balance than what they had prior to the recession b/c of their investment losses, and those are the people that have actually saved/continue saving-something like only 50% of households have retirement savings and of those less than 1/3 are adequately funded), and an upswing in adult children being more reliant on their parents for financial help (report i read said 1/3rd of adults age 18-34 are living w/parents-highest rate since the 1940's, and among people in their mid 20's 50-60% report getting regular financial support from their parents-up from 30-40% in the mid 1980's) and there may not be enough for mom/dad to get through their later years let alone leave anything as an inheritance.

i don't know any particulars about individual situations but i would suspect that my most of my friends (i'm in my mid 50's) who have lost parents and received any type of inheritances had it from the same 'source of fund's-their parent's home. no generational trusts or massive savings (though given their parent's type of jobs and wages/cost of living it's impressive what a concerted effort at saving even a little at a time can add up to over the decades even in a simple savings/cd's which is all many of our parents trusted). they just happened to be of a generation that didn't move around allot or buy/sell/buy/sell/buy......so the homes they purchased in the 50s, 60's and 70's even with the housing market crash were still worth upwards of hundreds and hundreds of thousands more than they purchased for. if their parents were fortunate enough not to have to eat through their savings/home equity then any inheritance tended to come from that.

these days i just don't know-i hope it's NOT the case but i wonder if instead of people looking at receiving a financial inheritance will be looking at financially inheriting the cost of supporting their parents (not the legacy i want for my kids).

 

[bdcp]

My grandparents never had a lot. My dad and his sisters got nothing as my grandmother outlived her money by 6 months or so. She was on medicare in the nursing home (alzheimers) when the money ran out. Up until then, her time in the nursing home, over 10 years was paid for out of pocket from some savings and the sale of her home. My mom's mother had money left and my uncle and my mom each got 50% which was about 25K each. My mom then gave me and my two sisters each 1K. My MIL is currently spending her money on full time aides since she can't be alone (falls, legally blind) so if she lives 4.5 more years, there won't be any money left. DFIL passed a year ago. My parents are healthy and living in a one level home that they will probably move from in a year or two to be closer to one of us. I don't know how much they have (I'm their executor, but don't have a clue) but I'm sure they have something as they were pretty frugal and still use almost all cash and own their home outright. They live on my dad's pension and SS. But, we don't expect anything from them. We've already told our boys we're spending all our money and they're okay with that . My point is, there is no real "average" that means anything since some people spend all their money on end of life care, even if they start with a lot. To us, an inheritance is never expected and definitely nothing to plan on since there are so many things that can change it.

 

[bluehen]

So sad. Why does this happen? Such a cruel thing to happen to our minds.

My father died of Alzheimers. It was horrible to watch not only mind and body go, but to see my father turn into a different person. This is the only thing that terrifies me.

 

[jen7233]

I don’t think an average can be accurately captured. But, I’ll tell you mine is zero so if there is a poll, I’m on that end. No matter, I’ll be ok in retirement from my own work. My mom only has social security income, I don’t know how she does it but she does and has since 65 and she’s turning 84. It’s truly amazing she’s never asked for a dime and has managed all on her own with social security, as she budgets her money so well and very frugal. My dad, 89 years old, don’t know if he has anything really, as he has never really been part of my life but I’d venture to say it’s being left to his live in mate of 40 years. His mate also reached out to me recently to assist in funeral costs when the time comes. I’m not certain my dad has much anymore because he has spent so much time in long term care the last five years in and out for months at a time.

 

[Dakota731]

I think it will continue to decrease. My parents generation seemed to be a lot more frugal than people nowadays. There are so many more people in debt spending beyond their means now than ever. I’m shocked when I hear of friends parents who retire with a large inheritance when they were uneducated and had low paying jobs. When now it seems people can make way over six figures and have no savings at all. It’s sad and not due to “more expensive cost of living in different cities” like people always say. There have always been cheaper and more expensive areas to live in this country. It’s a different lifestyle and I doubt some of these people looking to inherit money from their parents won’t be leaving money for their kids!

 

[tvguy]

this thread is from almost 5 years ago but I think it's an interesting topic given some of the recent reports on the financial situations of average americans.

I just read a couple of articles about how despite bettering housing markets in some regions there are still lots of people who are upside down or have no real equity in their homes. combine this with losses in the value of retirement savings (i know lots of people who are still at lower balance than what they had prior to the recession b/c of their investment losses, and those are the people that have actually saved/continue saving-something like only 50% of households have retirement savings and of those less than 1/3 are adequately funded), and an upswing in adult children being more reliant on their parents for financial help (report i read said 1/3rd of adults age 18-34 are living w/parents-highest rate since the 1940's, and among people in their mid 20's 50-60% report getting regular financial support from their parents-up from 30-40% in the mid 1980's) and there may not be enough for mom/dad to get through their later years let alone leave anything as an inheritance.

i don't know any particulars about individual situations but i would suspect that my most of my friends (i'm in my mid 50's) who have lost parents and received any type of inheritances had it from the same 'source of fund's-their parent's home. no generational trusts or massive savings (though given their parent's type of jobs and wages/cost of living it's impressive what a concerted effort at saving even a little at a time can add up to over the decades even in a simple savings/cd's which is all many of our parents trusted). they just happened to be of a generation that didn't move around allot or buy/sell/buy/sell/buy......so the homes they purchased in the 50s, 60's and 70's even with the housing market crash were still worth upwards of hundreds and hundreds of thousands more than they purchased for. if their parents were fortunate enough not to have to eat through their savings/home equity then any inheritance tended to come from that.

these days i just don't know-i hope it's NOT the case but i wonder if instead of people looking at receiving a financial inheritance will be looking at financially inheriting the cost of supporting their parents (not the legacy i want for my kids).

Yes interesting. My last post in this thread was 5 days after my mom's 90's birthday, and 4 days before she passed away.

I guess everyone is different and where you live is different. I have the complete opposite experience though. Retirement accounts are soaring.....even after the plunge of the past 2 weeks, stocks are up 34% in the last 16 months. And housing prices here are soaring, which is good for the retired who should be established and have had their homes paid for for decades. But, it is bad for people like my DD who is looking to buy.
The bad, healthcare costs are also soaring. Affordable Healthcare Act is kind of a bad name, More Accessible Healthcare Act might have been better. I plan to retire in 2 years, at age 63 so we will have to buy private health insurance for 2 years before becoming eligible for Medicare. Our real world quote our Financial Planner got in 2008 was $6,000 for that healthcare. I just got an update, at current market rates, it will be $34,000! Thankfully there is the COBRA option from my wife's work. COBRA used to be the most expensive option, now at $13,000 it is the lowest cost option.

 

[runwad]

Yes this thread is interesting, I miss these stimulating conversations that used to be common on the budget board back in the day.

My parents were typical at the time.. Mom stayed home raised 5 kids, dad worked 2 jobs to provide for his family. They both died of cancer 4 mos after diagnosis and left their kids mid 5 figure inheritance.

My In laws on other hand had close to a milion dollars but mil was in nursing home with Alzheimer's and its pretty much all gone. Fil now has altzheimers so what's left will soon be gone for his care.

Me, I have a LTC policy on my dh that will cover 3 years in a nursing home or more years with in home care. I pray I'm wasting my money and will never have to use it.

I do want my kids to inherit something so I have a term life insurance policy till age 80 that they will collect on to help them out a little in life should we use up our life savings on our care.

Inheriting that little bit of money from my parents helped us tremendously getting a little leg up and I'd like to help my kids the same way.

 

[smiths02]

My mom has nothing. Her social security payout will be minimal (she has about 10 years to go). She is only 20 years older than me, so I am sure my DH and I will have to help her until/unless she goes into a nursing home that medicare will pay for.

My husband's parents (in their 70s) do own their home with some land, but it is rural and relatively modest. Between both of them having social security, VA disability, a small pension for my MIL, some retirement savings, they are able to live comfortably now. However, they have no wills or long-term care insurance, and my MIL has had some health problems, so I doubt we will really see much if anything. Although, I think their money will take care of their needs and burial, etc. which is all we care about.

My ILs, though, have given us nice gifts at times when we needed them. They paid my DH's college. They've always helped in some way when we needed reliable vehicles, etc.

 

[gottalovepluto]

ZOMBIE THREAD!!!

 

[barkley]

ZOMBIE THREAD!!!

yes, but it's interesting to discuss changing trends in the last 5 years.

Yes interesting. My last post in this thread was 5 days after my mom's 90's birthday, and 4 days before she passed away.

I guess everyone is different and where you live is different. I have the complete opposite experience though. Retirement accounts are soaring.....even after the plunge of the past 2 weeks, stocks are up 34% in the last 16 months. And housing prices here are soaring, which is good for the retired who should be established and have had their homes paid for for decades. But, it is bad for people like my DD who is looking to buy.
The bad, healthcare costs are also soaring. Affordable Healthcare Act is kind of a bad name, More Accessible Healthcare Act might have been better. I plan to retire in 2 years, at age 63 so we will have to buy private health insurance for 2 years before becoming eligible for Medicare. Our real world quote our Financial Planner got in 2008 was $6,000 for that healthcare. I just got an update, at current market rates, it will be $34,000! Thankfully there is the COBRA option from my wife's work. COBRA used to be the most expensive option, now at $13,000 it is the lowest cost option.

i'm from your neck of the woods and most of those i'm speaking of are still there.

yes, ideally those retired/approaching retirement should be established and have homes paid in full-sadly that's not the reality. recent reports put the numbers at 44% of retirees still holding mortgages on their primary homes-with almost 1/3 of those estimating more than 8 years left on that debt-among those 75 and older the studies are showing the figure at 21% which is a HUGE jump from just 8.4% in 2001.

I know plenty of people who had the best of intentions on paying off their mortgages timely or even early but the economy got in the way-their wages went down, their healthcare insurance skyrocketed, and those whose intent was to pay for their kid's college saw increases they never anticipated (the average was 80% between 2000 and 2014 at public colleges, but that's just the average i know some of them saw much more). so if the choice came down to having health insurance or not-no brainer, they shortchanged their retirement savings. wages go down/commute costs go up (floors me how much bridge tolls into the bay area have increased since I left-and allot of my coworkers from your neck of the woods commuted there b/c of better housing options/lower crime/better schools)/cost of living in general goes up and they find that in order to fund their kid's college they have to raid their savings/home equity (if they bought at reasonable prices before the bubble burst and hadn't refi'd it to the hilt). I've never been of the mindset that a college fund takes priority over funding retirement but it seems to have become much more the norm so while their now well into adulthood 'kids' have no college debt (but plenty of other consumer debt) the parents are facing a retirement future that is much bleaker than the previous generation.

 

[Colleen27]

I think it will continue to decrease. My parents generation seemed to be a lot more frugal than people nowadays. There are so many more people in debt spending beyond their means now than ever. I’m shocked when I hear of friends parents who retire with a large inheritance when they were uneducated and had low paying jobs. When now it seems people can make way over six figures and have no savings at all. It’s sad and not due to “more expensive cost of living in different cities” like people always say. There have always been cheaper and more expensive areas to live in this country. It’s a different lifestyle and I doubt some of these people looking to inherit money from their parents won’t be leaving money for their kids!

Lifestyle is certainly part of the picture, especially for relatively affluent non-saver households, but to chalk it all up to people being less frugal than in the past is to disregard very real economic forces that each successive generation has to fight harder against.

My mom was a social worker for a government agency for her entire career. She's on track to leave a paid-off house, vacation property (undeveloped land), and low-six-figure inheritance behind, assuming she lives to 90 as is the norm for women in our family... mostly because of her pension, which is all but unheard of for my generation, and social security, which we're told not to count on. She also paid less for the four-year university I attended at 18 than I'm paying for the community college my son goes to, only had higher education expenses for one of her two children, and complained when her contribution to the family health insurance plan went up to $100/mo (mine is ~$700). And if you go back another generation, the numbers are even more stark - controlling for inflation my grandfather, an eighth-grade dropout in a manual-labor job, made more in 1968 than DH (an experienced tradesman with multiple professional certifications) and I (entry level with a four-year degree) make COMBINED today. (We found a box of old tax documents and pay stubs in a corner of my grandparents' basement a few weeks ago, which was interesting if a bit alarming.)

I agree that it is a different lifestyle, but not in the frivolous ways that usually get blamed for people not saving. Parenting costs more than it used to, most obviously in health insurance and college costs but also in the fact that every kid is expected to go on to higher education while in previous generations many did not, in the rising cost of childcare because two incomes are often necessary to afford rapidly-rising housing costs or to save for retirement when wages remain flat, in the increasing extracurricular costs that come along with the decline of a "just go out and play" culture, in academic enrichment expenses aimed at "keeping up with the Joneses" in an era of super-competitive college admissions, etc. And to a large extent, college support is replacing the inheritance for the middle class - the tens of thousands we save while they're young and spend when they're young adults to help our kids keep their student loan burdens down are funds that our parents' or grandparents' generations would have let sit for retirement/end-of-life expenses or inheritance.

 

[richkaryn]

These last few pages have been very interesting for me to read. I am in a situation where I am taking care of my dad. He is living with me and I am responsible for all of his care. He is 63 has congestive heart failure and is recovering from a stroke. We never thought he would get this sick because he was always very healthy. Biopsy that led to e.coli infection started all of this.

He is doing well now but cannot live on his own at this time. We are not sure if he will ever be able to live on his own. He does have a wife that is incapable of taking care of him and so he lives with me because I couldn't bear to have him unhappy in a rehab facility or nursing home.

Right now, I don't think that is the best decision for me or for him.

I am 35 and have decided that I will never have children or get married because of this experience. I love that my father is still here with me. We had an amazing relationship before he got sick but being 100% responsible for his care has put a strain on it that I am not sure we will ever recover. I don't ever want to be responsible for another human being again in life. Most of my personal relationships have suffered because I have to dedicate my life to taking care of him. Most days the only thing that I want is to eat a bowl of cereal and go to sleep but I have to make sure he eats and takes his medicine.

What I am saying is that for anyone who thinks people are heartless because they don't want to take on the responsibility for caring for their parents, consider the sacrifices that must be made for this to happen. In a sunshine rosy world, everything will be fine but most of the time there is a cost that is more than financial. The cost may be to your family life, your personal life and if you have children there is an impact to their lives as well.

I totally see your side here (as well as the other side). My MIL cared for her mother until she was diagnosed with cancer and was unable to due to being diagnosed with cancer herself. Her mother told her to put her in a nursing home for good (she had broken her hip for 2nd time and it never healed correctly so she was immobile from waist down). Then, even as she got better, she felt obligated to spend every waking hour at the nursing home with her mother. Due to this, she missed out on precious time with our son during his early years. Then her mother passed and finally we were able to drag her out of the house with us here and there, and when we did get her to go with us places, I loved seeing the joy on her face. Unfortunately, her cancer came back before long, along with other complications. By the time she got through round 2 and started feeling more herself, FIL's mother started declining and early dimentia. They tried to care for her until recently MIL was diagnosed with a 2nd type of cancer, and really unable to take on FIL's mother's care too. While being treated for 2nd type, the first type has started returning. I have a feeling this will be her downfall, or at least she will never feel well enough to enjoy going anywhere or doing anything much beyond daily life. She spent what little time she had feeling well taking care of everyone else and not much time to enjoy life or her grandson (there are 8 years between DH and his sister, and her kids are 11 and 14 yrs older than our son.....so they had their grandparent time before DS came along. I feel DS was robbed of experiencing the joys of trips with his grandparents, etc---- my mother passed away when I was 8 and my dad is helping my sister raise her daughter as a single mom, so he doesn't get much on that end either). I am not mad at her for spending her time caring for others, but at the same time my heart breaks for my son who lost out on such precious memories and emotions the others got to experience. There definitely is an impact on the others around you as a result of caring for your parents. That being said, I'd still take in either of DH's or my own father without hesitation if that was their wish or my husband's wish.