Wedding RSVP's with added guests

[NMAmy]

I don't think my sister could pick DH's nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts, and uncles out of a line-up. Most of these people meet on this one day, and never see each other again, except maybe if the couple passed away, at the funeral. My parents see my IL's at dance recitals, sporting events, and birthdays, but that's it. DH's siblings don't live here, my sister doesn't live here. It's not like, after the wedding, both sides of the family get together at all. I'm "related" to DH's family, but my family isn't.

I guess that explains the difference in our opinions then. I know everyone in my sister's ex-husband's family. All his siblings (and there are 7 of them) and their spouses and their kids. DH knows all my extended family--we often get together and not just for funerals and weddings. Those of us who live near each other often have dinner together and we have parties whenever family from out of town is visiting. I know all DH's extended family and they live in the UK. His niece just spent 3 weeks as our house guest. I still visit my ex's parents and his aunts and my SIL and they stop by my house for dinner whenever they're in town. I enjoy both of my extra families--my ex's family and DH's.

Heck, DH and I even know my niece's in-laws. We always see them at the kids' birthday parties and Easter.

 

[ShootingStarMom2]

Yes, it is up to the bride and groom to decide what kind of wedding they want, kids or no kids. Trust me, I understand that 100%. I was just hoping to see the ceremony and see my cousin on the happiest day of his life. It just surprised me, that's all. Our family that stems from being there for each other all the time was divided for the first time I can recall.

 

[Pin Wizard]

I can't believe some people would be that rude. Then again...I once had a mom show up at one of my son's birthday parties with his classmate...and their three other kids. Unannounced! I'd be letting them know in no uncertain terms (nicely) that "their" guests are not invited to attend. Limited numbers.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I wouldn't worry - I've never heard of it happening here, where weddings are typically $100+ a head affairs. I've actually never heard of it happening until these boards.

Thanks!! I know at my wedding the day before a good friend called and said that her baby sitter got sick. So I had to decide do I let her bring her baby, or not have her come. We decided to let her bring the baby. THankfully he was really good!! The only kids we had were mine, my little DN who was my flower girl and I told a good friend she could bring her DD as her date.

DS and FDIL are having 150 people.... I feel for them putting together the list. I know issues have already come up. DH and I were easy...we gave them a list of only 6 friends .

 

[JoiseyMom]

While I agree totally that it is the bride and groom's decision whether or not to invite children, I still disagree that it is ok to invite single people to a wedding without allowing for an escort, whether it is a significant other or the "flavor of the week."

Whether or not they are going to be sitting with those that they know, the hosts are still putting the guest in the very awkward position of having to either find a ride with somebody else or having to walk in alone.

I was always taught that this was beyond bad manners. They only time you invite a single person alone is if you already have a pre-determined escort that was also invited alone. IE; you are setting up the couple.

If you are inviting couples, then everybody should be invited as a couple. If your budget does not allow this, then cut out something else.

I disagree with this. If you are a young couple with lots of friends that can be alot of people! DS and DFIL have a large circle of friends. If they have significant others, then they get invited...otherwise they will come single or decline. The only children being invited are my 2 and my 2 nieces. They are inviting 150, and if they included everyones kids and in significant others, I can't imagine what the guest amount would be.

The wedding couple get to decide who they want and the type of wedding they have. It is not rude of them to do this. As a guest if you don't like it, you don't have to go.

My cousins DD only had 2 kids, my brothers at her wedding. My youngest 2 were not invited. I made the decision not to attend. I know my family wasn't happy, but with my DH staying home with the kids, I knew I wouldn't have had a good time without him, so I made the decision.

It would be rude to invite a husband with out a wife and vice versa, or a person and not their fiance.

RSVPing or showing up with people not on the invite is beyond rude!!

 

[Julia M]

The problem lies in these weddings with over 200 guests. That is your problem for having such an enormous wedding for sake of gifts and money, not for the sake of celebration of love and family. If you don't know them well enough to have their children present, then you must not know them enough to really care deeply on a personal level that they are at your wedding. (They meaning parents.)

I had a wedding of over 200 people. And I knew every one of them, and no, young children were not invited. And yes, I was (and am) close to these people. In fact, despite being married 18 years ago, we are still in contact with all the people who attended our wedding.

It's pretty insulting to assume that anyone with a large wedding who doesn't want young children there only cares about gifts and money.

But, of course, that's only my opinion. YMMV.

Julia

 

[npmommie]

I guess that explains the difference in our opinions then. I know everyone in my sister's ex-husband's family. All his siblings (and there are 7 of them) and their spouses and their kids. DH knows all my extended family--we often get together and not just for funerals and weddings. Those of us who live near each other often have dinner together and we have parties whenever family from out of town is visiting. I know all DH's extended family and they live in the UK. His niece just spent 3 weeks as our house guest. I still visit my ex's parents and his aunts and my SIL and they stop by my house for dinner whenever they're in town. I enjoy both of my extra families--my ex's family and DH's.

Heck, DH and I even know my niece's in-laws. We always see them at the kids' birthday parties and Easter.

This is how it is with us too. my dh and I know all the extended family of each brother's spouse and each of my brother's spouse.
we see each other holidays and other family events, i would certainly know them anywhere I see them, and dh would as well.

 

[Scurvy]

I actually checked many sites, and couldn't find one that says it's poor etiquitte not to invite "and guest."

That's not surprising to me, because it isn't against etiquette at all. Of course it is considered rude to split up an established "social unit" (a married or engaged couple; not a dating couple) but it isn't rude to invite your guests without their own guests. In fact traditionally speaking, "and guest" is actually considered rude. Each guest (or each household, at least) should receive their own invitation. Which means if I wanted to invite my friend Susan and her boyfriend Bob, they should get separate invitations. If they live together then it should be addressed to the two of them. But "Susan and Guest" is incorrect, even though it has become far more common for people to address invitations that way.


OP, I am appalled (though not at all surprised) to hear that your guests are rude enough to invite their own guests to your event. I'm shocked that so many people don't realize how wrong that is to do. If your name isn't on the invitation, you are not invited. I'm sorry you are having to deal with that! To answer your question on how to deal with it - you just have to tell them that it won't be possible for them to bring the extra guests. They are the ones who messed up; it's their own fault if they are embarrassed. You don't need to tell them that they were rude, but you can think it all you want. I know I would be!

 

[finallygoingtoWDW]

When I got married 13 years ago, my DH's brother was single. He was not dating anyone, didn't have a "flavor of the week". I expected that he was coming alone. I mean, he knew his whole family, knew all of dh's friends for years. Instead, I was informed that he "needed" to bring someone so that he wasn't alone. So there is my wedding album with pictures of some girl that he was friendly with and was available that evening. I don't know her name, never did, and never saw her again.

Do you mean in some candid shots of guests? Or in the formal family pictures? I was in high school when my sister got married. I brought my boyfriend at the time, but he was never in any of the pictures.

and a wedding is about starting a new family AND bringing 2 families together , the brides family and the grooms family.

But a lot of the examples given in some of these stories were co-workers' kids. That's not family. Does your whole family show up to one of your kids' schoolmate's birthday parties?

 

[PaddingtonBear]

I think if you invite parents of children, you should expect the family to come to the wedding, I mean...really...why would you just invite the adults? I think weddings are a FAMILY event. I would never have a wedding and expect my guests not to bring their children, it is a family celebration..

I think if you invite the parents of children you should expect the individuals listed on the invitation to come to the wedding. Otherwise you have rude selfish friends who are more invested in thier definition of what a wedding ought to be than they are in participating in your celebration. In the kids are invited, great. If not, suck it up and get a sitter or decline.

The problem lies in these weddings with over 200 guests. That is your problem for having such an enormous wedding for sake of gifts and money, not for the sake of celebration of love and family. If you don't know them well enough to have their children present, then you must not know them enough to really care deeply on a personal level that they are at your wedding. (They meaning parents.)..

What?! That's a lot of judgement. So if FIL insists on inviting his long time co-workers that I barely know I'm having a wedding for the gifts and money? Damn, why am I paying so much for it then? Look, lots of people have big weddings for thier own reasons, which likely have nothing to do with wanting gifts. That may have nothing to do with why they don't want a bunch of little kids running around.

When you put such tight restrictions on guests, you run the risk (especially parents) of having them choose between their children and getting babysitter which BTW...in this economy...how can people afford? (Just taking that perspective since that has been thrown out there for wedding sake) and not having the guest come to your wedding...

Ok, so what? If you can't afford a sitter, decline. Affording a sitter is NOT the most expensive part of attending a wedding. Holy smokes, we're going to a wedding this weekend and THANK GOD the kids aren't invited! Yay! Adult conversation, dancing, a nice dinner, a couple of grown up beverages. Sounds like heaven to me.

In my family weddings are family events. Most involve a lot of travel since my family is very scattered, so naturally the children are invited to the wedding since we've all come from out of state. I have always loved that. When we got married, I invited the children of all my first cousins. They had a blast, I had a mini buffet of pizza, chicken nuggets, fries and shirley temples, a kid table with coloring books, crayons, matchbox cars, etc. The kids had a great time. I had the DJ play songs from Shrek for them. It was fun. But that was what I wanted and I got married in a smallish city where things are cheap.

Now that I have two kids of my own, I would never dream of imposing my children on someone else's wedding if they wanted an adults only event. Its not up to me to decide what weddings are about. We already decided what our wedding was about- I'll let the bridal couple decide what theirs is about, thank you very much.

 

[Disneyland1084]

When I got married 7 years ago, I invited a childhood friend of mine and his parents. They all three lived together then. On the invitation, my friend ppolitely asked if he could bring his girlfriend. We said YES!!! It worked out great because my parents had to pay for 100 people, even though we were only expecting 85 people....My friend recently married his girlfriend. His wife just joined FB, and she made a photo of her from my wedding her profile pic....She hasn't aged at all in 7 years and I'm so jealous...I'm SOO off topic now.

 

[a1tinkfans]

The outermost envelope says it all. Mr and Mrs OR The XYZ Family or Mr XX or Ms YY or whatever.
For people/guests to just add people to the wedding is either rude and inconsiderate or just plain ignorance.
Either way, a polite note to say that you are terribly sorry but due to Venue restrictions additional guests cannot be accommodated and you hope they can still attend. Then just "hope" for the best.

Meanwhile, some one here posted that the kids were not invited as the B&G were more concerned with $$ versus love of family & friends????
Well, IMHO, a bride and groom CHOOSE to have the type of ceremony and reception THEY want and adult celebrations are just that, for adults...there is a time and place for kiddos and a time and place for No kids....its just a choice they make. Guests are just that, guests, not event coordinators adding others.... It is the guests choice to decline (if insulted) or any other issue (like no sitter). Some people like kids and I say, Good for them, I had very few kids at my own wedding, but it was OUR choice, not the guests...

Weddings are so joyous and each couple should have the wedding that THEY envisioned!

 

[Planogirl]

I never took DS to a wedding when he was young whether he was invited or not. He would have been bored out of his mind and when he was really little I would have gotten tired of chasing him. Besides I could stand to be away from him for a few hours.

Out of town weddings are different. I would either bring him and hope that someone could watch him for a little while or I wouldn't go at all.

Different strokes....

 

[MAH4546]

While I agree totally that it is the bride and groom's decision whether or not to invite children, I still disagree that it is ok to invite single people to a wedding without allowing for an escort, whether it is a significant other or the "flavor of the week."

Whether or not they are going to be sitting with those that they know, the hosts are still putting the guest in the very awkward position of having to either find a ride with somebody else or having to walk in alone.

I was always taught that this was beyond bad manners. They only time you invite a single person alone is if you already have a pre-determined escort that was also invited alone. IE; you are setting up the couple.

If you are inviting couples, then everybody should be invited as a couple. If your budget does not allow this, then cut out something else.

Agreed. It is beyond rude to invite a single person to a wedding and not allow them to bring a guest. When you budget, assume that a single person will bring a guest. If its too much, don't invite them.

To not expect singles to bring guests is beyond rude. It's pretty disgusting.

 

[Scurvy]

Agreed. It is beyond rude to invite a single person to a wedding and not allow them to bring a guest. When you budget, assume that a single person will bring a guest. If its too much, don't invite them.

To not expect singles to bring guests is beyond rude. It's pretty disgusting.

You certainly seem to feel strongly about this. I haven't ever seen an etiquette expert suggest this. In fact, the established experts tend to suggest the opposite - that it's rude to assume a guest will be invited, unless you are part of an established "social unit". Are you basing this on an etiquette book or just your own opinion?

 

[MAH4546]

You certainly seem to feel strongly about this. I haven't ever seen an etiquette expert suggest this. In fact, the established experts tend to suggest the opposite - that it's rude to assume a guest will be invited, unless you are part of an established "social unit". Are you basing this on an etiquette book or just your own opinion?

I'm basing it on social norms within my income class and where I live. I have never, ever been to a wedding where guests were not welcomed. And in planning mine, I absolutely made sure to budget for dates.

Ever see the film "The Wedding Date?"

It's just common social norm for singles to bring a guests to a wedding.

 

[Scurvy]

I'm basing it on social norms within my income class and where I live. I have never, ever been to a wedding where guests were not welcomed. And in planning mine, I absolutely made sure to budget for dates.

Ever see the film "The Wedding Date?"

It's just common social norm for singles to bring a guests to a wedding.

I did - that's a cute movie (and very different from the book it's based on!).

That's interesting - thanks for explaining. Since it's the norm in your area I can see why you might be surprised when someone wasn't inviting "and guests" to their wedding. It isn't the norm everywhere, though. A quick check of Miss Manners or Emily Post will show that it isn't normally considered rude to invite singles to events without dates. It is definitely nice to invite your guests to bring their own guests when your budget and space permit, but it is by no means a requirement. I think most guests likely understand that their hosts (especially at a wedding) would rather invite their own friends and loved ones than leave off half of the people they care about in order to accomodate people that they may not even know. I think the people who are offended by being invited as a single must not know the "etiquette rule" about social units - if you are part of one, your are absolutely correct to expect an invitation that includes both of you. If you are not, then you should consider it a nice bonus if you are invited to bring a guest.

 

[BelleWDW]

Agreed. It is beyond rude to invite a single person to a wedding and not allow them to bring a guest. When you budget, assume that a single person will bring a guest. If its too much, don't invite them.

To not expect singles to bring guests is beyond rude.

It's pretty disgusting.

My twentysomething son and his crowd often go "stag" to weddings of their friends-and thank Gawd he did last year.

He met the love of his life at a wedding in another city-there was a huge group of singles there who mixed and mingled.

 

[mjkacmom]

I'm basing it on social norms within my income class and where I live. I have never, ever been to a wedding where guests were not welcomed. And in planning mine, I absolutely made sure to budget for dates.

Ever see the film "The Wedding Date?"

It's just common social norm for singles to bring a guests to a wedding.

Well, I live in a high income area, and have been invited without a date. However, those invitations were received when I was in my early 20's, from people who were in their early 20's, not making a lot of money, and at a time where those single guests all knew each other (and many ended up in relationships after that evening ). I see no problem inviting singles, provided they don't have SO's, and there is a group of them that know each other. When you are paying $100+ a plate, most people would rather invite family and friends. The singles I invited to my wedding weren't dating anyone at the time, and a few had a REALLY great time at the wedding.

 

[sunnydoozer]

I'm basing it on social norms within my income class and where I live. I have never, ever been to a wedding where guests were not welcomed. And in planning mine, I absolutely made sure to budget for dates.

Ever see the film "The Wedding Date?"

It's just common social norm for singles to bring a guests to a wedding.

I disagree. If you look up current etiquette books it says exactly the reverse. You only invite long-term couples and no generic +1's.

I pulled my etiquette book from the 1940's and it says exactly the same thing. In fact if you thought the young lady might be part of a couple you would phone her mother and ask, if necessary you would obtain the young man's address and send the invite directly to him.

It isn't the social norm now, nor has it ever been.

On the previous page someone suggested not inviting singletons! Now that is poor etiquette! Too exclude someone, just because they aren't in a relationship!