Wedding RSVP's with added guests

[sbell111]

I definitely agree it is VERY poor taste to add on invites, but I don't think it is proper to invite a single-ton and not allow him or her to bring a guest. She probably doesn't yet know who she will be seated with, right? Isn't this something you find out when you enter the reception?

I was once invited to a wedding but warned by the bride's sister prior to receiving the invite that I might not be allowed to bring a guest because the count was getting high. I, of course, never said anything, but found this quite rude. The invite did include guest, so we went. If it was just for me I would have declined.

There are so many different friends and family groups and "coupling" at weddings (who do you slow dance with if you are by yourself) and the bride and groom do so much hopping between guests, I think it is only right to allow everyone (married or not) to bring a guest so that they have an enjoyable evening too.

I completely agree. At our wedding, the invitations were for couples, single people plus guest, or families with children. I could not imagine excluding children from our wedding nor could I forbid single people from bringing a guest.

I'm really surprised that there are people in this thread who know exactly how many people were at their reception. We had a few hundred people at ours. I have no clue exactly how many people there were or whether specific RSVPers actually showed (outside of the 50 or 60 'core' group of friends and family). I guess that maybe my wife is somehow aware of this information, but I rather doubt it.

For the caterer, I would take the number of RSVPers and add one or two percent. Between non-RSVPers, random guests and no-shows, you'll probably be very close.

 

[Pugsley]

Obviously there is not going to be agreement here on who should or should not be invited to a wedding. But I do think I’d rather listen to the opinions of etiquette professionals than random people who state their opinion as fact and insult anyone who has an opposing opinion. Anyway, I would think that it should be easy to agree that it is up to the people who are getting married and paying for the wedding to invite whoever they want to invite. If your date or children aren’t invited, either go without them or decline the invitation. Pretty simple. I do think it’s kind of sad that so many people are unable or unwilling to go places alone or without their children once in a while.

 

[manning]

When the uninvited guests arrive be graceful. Just tell them it is so nice to see them and.......give them McDonalds coupons with directions.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'm on the east coast, and it absolutely is the social norm in every one of the six eastern towns I've lived in

Well, not in CT, NY, NH or MA...at least not for the people I know. But I may know a bunch of low class slobs...

 

[Disney Doll]

I guess I just know better behaved kids. Just kidding! I can tell you've never been to a wedding with my mom or any of the older members of my family because they have no problem letting young parents know they need to take that kid out and I've yet to see anyone in the family brave enough to take on the little old ladies.

I think you may have missed the line I wrote immediately after the line you quoted. I wasn't advocating that all kids needed to go to all weddings no matter what. I don't really care one way or the other, actually, and since I had no young kids myself, I have no dog in this fight anymore.

I do know a lot of people who think their children are the "special snowflakes" of the world, so you may be right!

I don't have kids either, so as long as someone else's don't trip me or otherwise ruin my time, I don't care whether they are there or not.

 

[Chris2597]

Wow, I had no idea my original post would get so many comments and ideas...Thank you to all who contributed. As I posted earlier...I have talked to the few that sent in extras on the RSVP cards...they were fine not bringing their extras. As for the singles that have added a guest...We have decided to allow for the extra guest.

Now for another question. We asked for RSVP's to be returned to us by the end of this week. There are still about 50 cards not returned. The reception is going to be in a guard gated community and a list of the guests needs to be at the guard shack. They are very strict about this. If you arent on the list, you don't get in....so it is important to get the cards back. Should I call and inquire, email or just let it go??

 

[poohlover]

My DD just had a wedding renewal in June, they were married in CA last year before her DH was deployed to Iraq so no family were present. While we didn't get added guests, we had several people "reply" with being unsure...they were trying to attend...they said.

We had about 25 who did not reply so we used phone calls, facebook for their friends, and email.

My DH spoke to a DN of his that said "oh I'm so bad at those RSVP things"!!!

My DD was in her wedding party, yet she couldn't reply to hers! To really top it off this same DN did NOT bring a gift. My DD would have been happy with just a card, but nothing! I am unsure what to do if anything about that.

Good luck!

 

[Hollywoodhaha]

We are planning my sisters wedding right now.

What we are doing is send the invitations out in November or December before Christmas cards [wedding is in February] and on the form we have a place for if they have guests and how many.

Once we RSVP or not everyone that we possibly can get in touch with, we will give the food people the closest estimate on people attending.

 

[dakcp2001]

Now for another question. We asked for RSVP's to be returned to us by the end of this week. There are still about 50 cards not returned. The reception is going to be in a guard gated community and a list of the guests needs to be at the guard shack. They are very strict about this. If you arent on the list, you don't get in....so it is important to get the cards back. Should I call and inquire, email or just let it go??

Best strategy for this is to have someone unrelated call all of the people who did not respond, like a bridesmaid. That way people won't feel guilty about saying they cannot come, and you will not get stuck on the phone for hours chatting with all of these people. People do nto want to hurt your feelings by saying they cannot make it, so have someoen arbitrary do the calling. That way it can be a quick short call and people can say no without feeling akward. I did this for my best friend, and it was WAY more effective then all of the calls her mom made. I just said yes or no, and how many..and thank you have a nice day. I had quite a few people say that they were a NO but "didnt have the heart to tell her mom who was so excited about the wedding"

It sounds crazy, I know. I would never have imagined grown ups being too afraid to say they can or cannot come. lol.

 

[HerdOHuds]

Best strategy for this is to have someone unrelated call all of the people who did not respond, like a bridesmaid. That way people won't feel guilty about saying they cannot come, and you will not get stuck on the phone for hours chatting with all of these people. People do nto want to hurt your feelings by saying they cannot make it, so have someoen arbitrary do the calling. That way it can be a quick short call and people can say no without feeling akward. I did this for my best friend, and it was WAY more effective then all of the calls her mom made. I just said yes or no, and how many..and thank you have a nice day. I had quite a few people say that they were a NO but "didnt have the heart to tell her mom who was so excited about the wedding"

It sounds crazy, I know. I would never have imagined grown ups being too afraid to say they can or cannot come. lol.

This is some super advice! I did the calling myself for the folks that didn't send back the RSVP. It was uncomfortable and I think there were a few that just plain out lied to me!

We did have a couple that asked DH if we could 'just send on an invitation' to a gal from DH's high school (hello, it was 6 years since he had been to high school!) who would be visiting with them that weekend. DH didn't know the gal to speak to her, just knew who she was and I had never laid eyes on her. Being the uber-gracious woman I am, I ignored the request. We didn't have any extra room for acquaintances from long ago. Normally this couple is really fun and outgoing and good friends to DH and I. So at the reception, the wife has the nerve to ask if I didn't get a chance to send the other gal an invitation, I brushed it off and she said we must have been real busy!

I was left shaking my head. Everytime I see them, I think about how strange it was to request we add someone on to our invitation list! Now I know it isn't that weird!

 

[Scurvy]

Best strategy for this is to have someone unrelated call all of the people who did not respond, like a bridesmaid. That way people won't feel guilty about saying they cannot come, and you will not get stuck on the phone for hours chatting with all of these people. People do nto want to hurt your feelings by saying they cannot make it, so have someoen arbitrary do the calling. That way it can be a quick short call and people can say no without feeling akward. I did this for my best friend, and it was WAY more effective then all of the calls her mom made. I just said yes or no, and how many..and thank you have a nice day. I had quite a few people say that they were a NO but "didnt have the heart to tell her mom who was so excited about the wedding"

It sounds crazy, I know. I would never have imagined grown ups being too afraid to say they can or cannot come. lol.

I think this is a wonderful idea! They can just say they are helping you get your final numbers together for the caterer, which will drive home the point that they need to give their answer now and not drag their feet any longer. It's unfortunate that it's necessary to track down so many responses, but it seems like it's getting more and more common for people not to RSVP.

 

[Chris2597]

Got another rsvp with added guests today. I emailed that we couldnt accomodate the extra....I think there might be a bit of a conspiracy here as this person is friends with the person that added to her RSVP last week. I think they were trying to see if I handled both the same way. I have not heard back from the email today as of yet. It would not surprise me in the least if both of these were no shows.

 

[PammyK]

Well, not in CT, NY, NH or MA...at least not for the people I know. But I may know a bunch of low class slobs...

On the contrary, the people you know obviously have manners, class and an understanding of the rules of etiquette.

Seriously, if you are single, not in a relationship and invited to a wedding without a guest you are being given a choice. You may choose to attend as invited (without a guest) or you may choose to decline the invitation. Personally, I feel that if the couple believes that my presence will be a blessing to their wedding celebration then I will gladly attend as a single. I tend to feel very awkward in social situations, so while there may be a few uncomfortable moments, I don't mind because it is such a gift to share in the happy couple's celebration.

 

[disykat]

I feel like some people are beating this "singles must be allowed to bring a guest" thing to the point where it almost seems as if they don't want single people there without dates.

I just don't get it. Even if people are thinking of weddings as a social event, I went to lots of social events alone as a single person. I'm thankful I didn't have the "plus one" pressure when I was single! I still go to lots of social events alone as a married person. Do some people seriously just stay home if they can't find a date or their spouse can't make it?

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I feel like some people are beating this "singles must be allowed to bring a guest" thing to the point where it almost seems as if they don't want single people there without dates.

I just don't get it. Even if people are thinking of weddings as a social event, I went to lots of social events alone as a single person. I'm thankful I didn't have the "plus one" pressure when I was single! I still go to lots of social events alone as a married person. Do some people seriously just stay home if they can't find a date or their spouse can't make it?

Why yes they do!! There are people on the DIS who will not attend a wedding without their spouse, or go to a movie, or a party, or a girls weekend alone.

Somehow I missed the vows that said we had to be attached at the hip!

 

[3boymthr]

An 8 month old is hardly a guest. He or she would not even eat anything.

I think if you invite parents of children, you should expect the family to come to the wedding, I mean...really...why would you just invite the adults? I think weddings are a FAMILY event. I would never have a wedding and expect my guests not to bring their children, it is a family celebration.

The problem lies in these weddings with over 200 guests. That is your problem for having such an enormous wedding for sake of gifts and money, not for the sake of celebration of love and family. If you don't know them well enough to have their children present, then you must not know them enough to really care deeply on a personal level that they are at your wedding. (They meaning parents.)

Inviting guests that you do not know is not o.k. with me. I do think single people should be allowed to bring a date with them. You would never invite half of a married couple and who is to say their guest is "flavor" of the week?

When you put such tight restrictions on guests, you run the risk (especially parents) of having them choose between their children and getting babysitter which BTW...in this economy...how can people afford? (Just taking that perspective since that has been thrown out there for wedding sake) and not having the guest come to your wedding.

Call me crazy but the reason I invited people to my wedding was because I care about them and they are a part of my LIFE. Not just a name on a guest list.

I know this was posted much earlier in the thread but I have to comment.

Yes, a wedding is about family, but you have to remember that not everyone has a small family. We started counting people we wanted to invite to our wedding and my side - Just Adults in Just My Family - was over 150 people. With DHs side and family friends, co-workers, the total was over 250. Adding children/pre-teens to that number pushed the total number to over 350 (we invited the teenagers). Yes my family is THAT big, as is DHs. You have to cut somewhere and since most 2 to 5 yo don't appreciate spending enormous amounts of time at a formal wedding where there's nothing for them to do for hours on end - they were the ones we cut; And then we started cutting the family we weren't close to. So having a wedding with over 200 people does not mean it's all about the gifts. Sometimes it is about sharing your day with your family. Some people just happen to have bigger families.

Actually, I had a cousin tell me they were happy we cut the children so she had an excuse for a night out where they could party without guilt.

ETA - yes I did invite singletons with no guest those with no known girlfriend/boyfriend/partner. Just the person was invited. I had to cut somewhere and the flavor of the moment lost out to my 80 yo great aunt, so sorry.

 

[3boymthr]

Best strategy for this is to have someone unrelated call all of the people who did not respond, like a bridesmaid. That way people won't feel guilty about saying they cannot come, and you will not get stuck on the phone for hours chatting with all of these people. People do nto want to hurt your feelings by saying they cannot make it, so have someoen arbitrary do the calling. That way it can be a quick short call and people can say no without feeling akward. I did this for my best friend, and it was WAY more effective then all of the calls her mom made. I just said yes or no, and how many..and thank you have a nice day. I had quite a few people say that they were a NO but "didnt have the heart to tell her mom who was so excited about the wedding"

It sounds crazy, I know. I would never have imagined grown ups being too afraid to say they can or cannot come. lol.

This is some super advice! I did the calling myself for the folks that didn't send back the RSVP. It was uncomfortable and I think there were a few that just plain out lied to me!

This is a great idea. But OP, if some of your non-responders people are unsure because of health conditions, etc., especially if they are family, make sure the third party conveys that you need an answer as they need to be on the list so they don't arrive to a guard telling them sorry you're not on the list there could be hurt feelings. We had a few people who didn't respond because of their health - One response when we called - "Well I wasn't sure if I'd be up to it so I thought I'd just show up if I felt good that morning. I have my dress all picked out."

 

[disykat]

I had 150 people, only 13 of which were family members (our family all lives far away.) I didn't invite my parent's friends. I didn't invite everyone at work or people who were just acquaintances. I just was involved in lots of groups (mostly church stuff) where people were really close. I can easily see having over 200.

 

[Chris2597]

I got an email from the latest guest adder. She advised me that she had an update about her attendance at the wedding and reception. she said that a work function is now scheduled for that day, which will make it impossible to attend. She also added that she hoped that freed up space since the reception venue had limited the number of guests we could accomodate. I wrote her back and thanked her for letting me know she wouldnt be attending, but added that we had more than enough room to accomdoate invited guests and we would miss her.

 

[ead79]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It truly amazes me how some folks just take it upon themselves to decide who you invite to the wedding you're hosting.

According to the rules of etiquette, the only people invited to a wedding are those listed on the invitation. If your invitation's inner envelope doesn't say "and Guest," then you aren't supposed to invite a guest.

While it is not acceptable to invite only half of a married or engaged couple (or long term co-habitating couple), it is perfectly acceptable not to invite guests for single people. It is also acceptable not to invite children.

It seems to me like a lot of these awkward situtations could be avoided if guests (and in some cases brides--not in your case, OP) took some time to educate themselves on the rules of etiquette.